EAST RANDOM TOWN, USA – The blogosphere is atwitter by reports that Bookshelf Q. Battler, World Renowned Poindexter, Reviewer of Books, Movies, and Cultural Happenings, Champion Yeti Fighter, and Blogger-in-Chief of the Bookshelf Battle Blog will find romance in the upcoming serial, “Bookshelf Q. Battler and the Meaning of Life.”
BQB’s 3.5 readers, especially his Aunt Gertie, want to know who the lucky (or unlucky) lady is!
ALIEN JONES: My intelligence indicates that BQB has been trying to build a woman in a lab for years. Perhaps he’s finally figured it out. Then again, I’d already know if he has, since I know everything.
DR. HUGO VON SCIENCE: Silly alien, BQB has known how to build women in a lab for years! “How to Build a Woman in a Lab 101” is a required course at the Advanced Science Institue of Science University, of which BQB is a prestigious alum. Nein, if it were that simple to find love, BQB would have built a woman for himself years ago.
THE YETI: ROAR! Whoever she is, I feel sorry for her. BQB is a loser!
UNCLE HARDASS (GHOST OF): I agree with that furry whatever-it-is. My good for nothing nephew will never be able to support a woman until he gets a job at the SALT MINES!
REPORTER: With a news story this big, we went straight to the horse’s mouth and asked Bookshelf Q. Battler himself.
BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER: Well, I’m still hoping it’s going to be Katee Sackhoff.
BQB: I realize she’s a famous actress and stuff and I only run a low budget book blog, but I’m fairly confident she’ll make an appearance when she realizes that this blog will give her exposure to 3.5 readers, one of which is my Aunt.
REPORTER: If she passes?
BQB: Ultimate Fighter/Actress Gina Carano. I’ve always wanted a woman who can defeat my enemies.
REPORTER: We’ve read an advance copy of your story. It’s not Gina Carano.
BQB: Damn it! Black Widow?
REPORTER: You mean Scarlett Johannson?
BQB: No! I mean the actual Black Widow! I need a woman who can defeat my enemies!
REPORTER: What enemies? The Yeti is the only one we know of.
BQB: And he must be defeated!
REPORTER: You heard it here, folks. This summer, Bookshelf Q. Battler finds love when he least expects it.
(It’s not Katee Sackhoff or Gina Carano or Black Widow.)
BQB: But it’s totally a Katee Sackhoff robot!
REPORTER: It’s not a Katee Sackhoff-bot.
BQB: You just like raining on my parade, don’t you?
Alien, mad scientist, old man and yeti images courtesy of a shutterstock.com license)