ANNOUNCER: Life. It sure can get you down. There are so many things to worry about and that’s just in your own personal life without even turning on the news to learn about the latest attempts by various wack jobs, fruit loops, psychopaths and yetis who are hellbent on tearing the world asunder.
WOMAN: Great. Thanks for reminding me.
ANNOUNCER: Luckily, there’s a new drug that can help.
WOMAN: I’m listening…
ANNOUNCER: Bookshelfitol!
WOMAN: Bookshelfitol?
ANNOUNCER: WHAT ARE YOU DEAF? CLEAN YOUR EARS! I SAID “BOOKSHELFITOL!”
WOMAN: What’s that?
ANNOUNCER: Why, Bookshelfitol is a miracle elixir formulated from a concentrated form of the Bookshelf Battle Blog. We took all of Bookshelf Q. Battler’s ramblings and squeezed them into a bottle for you to enjoy.
WOMAN: I don’t think that’s scientifically possible.
ANNOUNCER: Will you? Please? Huh? OK?
WOMAN: Sorry.
ANNOUNCER: Bookshelfitol is the cure for what ails you. Problems at work? One sip and your mind will be distracted by Bookshelf Q. Battler’s stories about his time as a member of a boy band, or his magical bookshelf that makes literary characters come alive in small versions of themselves, or his medically prescribed butt pillow.
WOMAN: I’d rather the problems at work.
ANNOUNCER: Can we get someone else?
WOMAN: I mean I’d love to hear about a nerd’s butt pillow!
ANNOUNCER: Ask your doctor if Bookshelfitol is right for you.
SIDE EFFECTS INCLUDE:
- Creeping crotch rot
- Burning sensations
- Blurred vision
- Tunnel vision
- No vision
- Visions of Bea Arthur eating a pickle while you’re trying to sleep
- Delusions
- Delusions of Grandeur
- Delusions of Ganders (Literally, one test subject thought about nothing but ducks for the rest of his life)
- Cauliflower ear
- Carrot nose
- Rutabaga ears
- Gout
- Toe fungus
- Your hand will totally fall off and then run around the room on its fingers. Moreover, it will develop its own personality and become part of the family like “Thing” on the Addams Family.
- Cravings for waffles, cereal, bacon, and breakfast foods covered in guacamole and sauerkraut.
WOMAN: That sure sounds like a lot of side effects.
BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE:
- Partial butt paralysis (You won’t get to decide which part. It’s a surprise!)
- Expanded Eye Crusty Syndrome
- Hair loss
- Hair discovery
- Hair return
- Bone density reduction
- Hallucinations
- You’ll become convinced that you once shared a taxi cab with Phyllis Diller and the Harlem Globetrotters and no one will be able to convince you otherwise
- You’re going to become a frigging Hulk Monster
- Halitosis
- Gingivitis
- Scabies and/or possibly rabies
- Intensified Flatulence
- Acne
- Horseface
- Webbed feet
- Tonsilitis
WOMAN: I’m pretty sure I don’t want to take this…
ALSO…
- The plague
- Leprosy
- Vomiting
- Nausea
- Diarrea
- (All of the last three at the same time, usually when you’re on a date)
- Your mind will convince you that your sofa has the voice of Morgan Freeman and it’s perfectly acceptable for a piece of furniture to narrate your life in a nostalgic yet authoritative manner
- In some studies, test subjects became werewolves. We’re not saying you’re going to become a werewolf but you might want to lock yourself up during the next full moon.
WOMAN: Someone call my agent. I want out of this commercial.
LAB TESTS INDICATED:
- Rabbits who drank it develop the ability to sing like Taylor Swift, with the exception of one who crooned like Sammy Davis Jr.
- Squirrels who sampled the concoction recited every line from the “Always Be Closing” scene in Glengarry Glen Ross.
- A test chicken became super intelligent and was elected to the presidency of Paraguay. Paraguayans claim the country has never been run better.
- Three chimps had a taste and fought over the rest of the bottle. A fourth chimp produced a film based on the fight entitled Mad Monkey: Beyond Bananadome.
ANNOUNCER: Bookshelfitol! Now in cherry, coconut and lemon meringue flavors! Ask your doctor if Bookshelfitol is right for you!
WOMAN: This is the last time I do a commercial for a blog with 3.5 readers.
Image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.
Bookshelf Battle 
[…] I don’t recommend taking cocaine, 3.5 readers and I also don’t recommend taking Bookshelfitol, but you should still read the commercial for it by clicking here. […]