Bookshelf Battle

“Hey baby, wanna crinkle my foil?”

He seemed like such a sweet guy when you met him.  Alas, it wasn’t until after you fell for him that he started checking your purse for radio transmitters.

Ladies, is your man living in constant fear of “The Man?”

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Conspiracy Theorist:

10.  He owns a vast selection of tin foil hats, which he maintains prevent the government and/or aliens from reading his mind.  You’re not able to stop him from wearing his tin foil baseball cap out in public, but he’s not unreasonable.  He has agreed to stop wearing it backwards once he turns thirty.

9.  It isn’t easy to take him to a dinner party.  Your friends want to talk about movies, music and gossip.  He wants to talk about how Hitler and…

Your girlfriend will kick so much undead ass during the zombie apocalypse.

She thinks it’s the end of the world as we know it…but do you feel fine? 

Alas, to all good things must come an end.  Just as the dinosaurs were wiped out when they plugged in their curling irons all at once, so too may humanity cease to be one day.

But probably not while we’re alive.  It’s those future suckers who’ve got problems.

Or is the end closer than we think?  Your girlfriend sure seems to think so.

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Doomsday Prepper:

10.   Attempted to get you to drink your own urine to, and I quote, “get you used to the robust flavor.” Not only did you hurt her feelings with your emphatic refusal, you’re also not able to…

Ahoy mateys.

Yup.  There’s a joke about pirate booty to made here.

Last September, a band of pirates took over bookshelfbattle.com in celebration of National Pirate Week.

They taught you all how to talk like a pirate…but you didn’t learn how to speak like a she-pirate.

If your girlfriend were a pirate, here is the English to Pirate translation of things she might say to you…er, “to ye.”

10.  ENGLISH: Honey, I wish you’d help out around the house more.

PIRATE TRANSLATION:  Avast ye stinking bilge rat!  Batten down the hatches, trim the mainsail and swab the poop deck or it’s the cat of nine tails for ye.

9.  ENGLISH:  I’m in the mood for nookie. 

PIRATE TRANSLATION: ARRR ye filthy landlubber!  Raise the misen mast fer it be time to keel haul across the starboard bow.

8.  ENGLISH: I am not happy with you right now.

PIRATE TRANSLATION:…

Romance novels.

For Christ’s Sake, put a shirt on Chad.

Not only are they the fuel that keeps the fires of many a female reader burning, they keep the wheels of the publishing industry turning as well.

Ladies of all ages like a good story about a woman swept off her feet by the perfect man.

Said perfect man usually defined as being a) long haired b) muscular and c) shirtless.

It’s ok ladies.  I won’t point out that your love of these novels is more or less the equivalent of your boyfriend scoping out risqué sites on the Interwebs.

And romance authors, though I’ll never read them, keep churning them out as the more people who are reading anything, the longer the publishing industry stays afloat.

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Shirtless Alpha Male in…

Holy Shit.  Now there’s a guy who looks like he’s wasted a lot of time reading the Bookshelf Battle Blog.

Like most women, you might assume that your boyfriend is a doofus who doesn’t care about what you think.

But your boyfriend is different.  He puts in a ridiculous amount of time just to make it look as though he doesn’t care about what ANYONE thinks.

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Hipster.

10.  Wears black, thick framed Buddy Holly style glasses 24/7.  Even wears them if he doesn’t need them.  Not that I’m superstitious or anything, but if I got on a plane and saw a guy that looks like Richie Valens and then another guy that looks like the Big Bopper, I’d immediately get off the flight and take the next one upon seeing your…

Your boyfriend is magical.

No, I don’t mean that as in he’s perfect. I mean it as in he’s a damn spell casting practitioner of the dark arts.

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Wizard:

10.  When he asks you to polish his wand, he isn’t making an off color joke.  He literally dropped his magic wand in the toilet and only you can restore it to its naturally pristine state.

9.  He’s not the best guy to ask for a drink. The beverages he brings you look more like potions.  Green or purple. Smoking or bubbling.  (Note if your boyfriend is not a wizard do not rule out the possibility that your boyfriend might be Bill Cosby.)

8.  Whenever he stinks up the bathroom, he gives you fair warning by shouting, “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!”

7…

Wait until April 24th for Game of Thrones Season 6?

This a man cannot do.

For Lord Battler of House Bookshelf loveth his Game of Thrones.

Oh, how it has allowed nerds across the land to experience what Superbowl Sunday must feel like for the normals.

Yes, 3.5 readers I love GOT as much as you love your girlfriend.

And from BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be the Khaleesi:

(Note this list is mere fantasy.  If you’re reading this blog, you are a nerd who is unworthy of the Khaleesi.)

***NOTE: GOT SPOILERS AHEAD!  SPOILERS!!!!****

10.  Her wardrobe consists of 950 turquoise dresses. Khaleesi loves turquoise.

9.  No one at work ever steels her lunch from the communal fridge…BECAUSE IT’S A DAMN BLOODY HORSE HEART IN A BAG!

8.  You avoid arguing with her because you know that all arguments end with…

Science!

It’s the discipline that provides the answers to our most vexing questions about the world we live in. Ironically, with every question scientists answer, new inquiries pop up every day.

Most scientists are reputable members of the community, dedicated to following strict rules and procedures.

However, there are some scientists who dare to dabble in the depths of depravity that few are willing to tread.

As part of his penance for “accidentally” causing a zombie outbreak in East Randomtown last summer, Dr. Hugo Von Science has assisted the Bookshelf Battle Blog in creating this list of the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Mad Scientist:

10. Foreplay consists of him dropping his pants and shouting, “IT’S ALIVE…IT’S ALIVE!”

9.  His home decor consists of:

• Beakers filled with foaming potions, bubbling brews, and other strange concoctions.
• Giant switches that require you to strain yourself just to flip.
• Tesla…

Yes, your girlfriend is quite fetching.

I’d make a joke about how she could assassinate me anytime…but I really don’t want to be assassinated.

One might even say if looks could kill…well, hold that thought.

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be an Assassin.

10.  Constantly wears a fully body leather cat suit everywhere, at all times…EXCEPT…when you want her to.  When you want her to she just throws on those dumpy old smelly sweat pants you wish she’d throw away. Women.

9.  All of her seemingly minor faux pas may in fact be attempts to assassinate you:

• Undercooked chicken = bad cook? – Nope. Assassin! (An attempt to assassinate you via food poisoning.)

• Slippery floor = lousy housekeeper? – Nope. Assassin! (She’s biding her time until you slip and fall to your doom.)

• Constantly wants to do it =…

Lady Melisandre.

The Red Woman.

Skillfully played by Carice van Houten, the Red Woman may be Stannis’ other woman but let’s face it…she’s the only woman if she has anything to say about it.

From the home office in BQB HQ and just in time for the Season 6 Premiere of Game of Thrones, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be Melisandre:

10.  She’s very supportive of your work and career goals…to the point that she’s willing to push a shadow assassin out of her vagina to murder your enemies.

Hey.  Be disgusted all you want but that’s true commitment right there.  My entire life I’ve never even been able to get a woman to make a damn sandwich for me, let alone push a shadow assassin out of her vagina to use in the assassination of my enemies.

9.  Cares enough about you that…