I am BQB and I am the Greatest Blogger who ever lived. I type a butterfly and post like a bee, you cannot ignore the words that your eyes already see.
I am the world’s fastest blogger. Fast with my fingers. I type so fast I make flames jump out of my keyboard. I keep the fire department on standby whenever I feel a musing coming on.
I write faster than a cheetah can breakdance. The other day I wrote a post so fast it broke the space time continuum. People read it before I even finished writing it.
If you match my typing fingers up against a bullet train, I’ll beat the bullet train every time.
I once blogged so fast that I made the earth rotate backwards just as Superman did when he turned back time.
The only way it could be fair for me to blog against the rest of you bums would be if I were to tie my best blogging hand behind my back. Tie them both back there for all I care. I can type better with my nose than most people can with their digits.
My blog posts are intriguing. They’re so intriguing that if you took every episode of Murder She Wrote, wrapped them up in soft taco shell made out of flour ground from the collective works of Stephen King and sautéed the whole mess in a sauce comprised of Agatha Christie’s sweat, the entire ensuing entree would not contain one quarter of the intrigue found in one of my posts.
People always be talking about The Huffington Post. You reporters are more crooked than an MC Escher staircase for writing that The Huffington Post puts my blog to shame.
The Huff Po may talk a lot of jive but I got the best readers and they number one, two, three point five.
I will blog circles around Huff Po. I’m up posting ten articles before the Huff Po drags its stinking ass out of bed in the morning and I’m tweeting the links to my stuff before the Huff Po has its morning coffee.
That’s right I also tweet like a butterfly too.
People always be talking about how Perez Hilton is a better pop culture blogger than me. Perez Hilton couldn’t blog his way out of a wet paper bag. Man draws dicks on celebrity faces and he acts like that makes him a comedy genius or something. I can draw a better dick on a celebrity face any time anywhere.
All you reporters asking me if I think I can out blog Icanhascheesburger?
Please. I don’t care how cute and adorable those kitties are. I will slap the cheeseburgers right out their stupid mouths and send them to bed without supper.
No, you furry bastards, no you cannot have cheeseburger.
Can I out gawk Gawker? You better believe it. I have never been sued by Hulk Hogan and even though that’s because Hulk Hogan is not one of my 3.5 readers I can still say I have never been sued by Hulk Hogan. Pretty much everyone else out there can say that too but still. It’s a miraculous accomplishment to not have been sued by Hulk Hogan. I wear my lack of a Hulk Hogan suit like a badge of honor.
The Drudge Report? “Oh look at me I’m Matt Drudge I’ve been HTML coding my own blog since the 90s.” Dude, please. I’m too busy creating blogs that break the surly bonds of the stratosphere to code my own HTML. I let those turkeys at WordPress do all my HTML coding for me.
I’ll hand it to Matt that he blew the lid off the whole Monica Lewinsky scandal but had I been around in the 90s there would have never been a scandal because Monica would have been too infatuated with me, as most women are.
TMZ? No. People prefer BQB. And when I say people, I’m talking about your wives, because once you go nerd, it’s the best you’ve ever heard.
3.5 hits may be the only clicks I gets but they’re also the only clicks I’ll ever need.
Because when you have the greatest 3.5 readers in the world then you are truly the greatest.
And finally, every blogger other than me is ugly. The greatest blogger in the world should be as pretty as me.