BQB EDITORIAL NOTE: Seeing as how his mind contains a wealth of scientific information that can be shared with my 3.5 readers, I have decided to let bygones be bygones and reinstate Dr. Hugo Von Science as a Bookshelf Battle columnist.
I’m nothing if not a turner of the other cheek.
Dr. Hugo Returns!
Guten tag, Herr 3.5 Readers!
Dr. Hugo Von Science here, finally out of zie dog house with mein old student Bookshelf Q. Battler and ready to educate you once again with mein column, You Can’t Argue With Science!
You really can’t, can you 3.5 readers? A meteor will always have the upper hand no matter what you do.
Perhaps you might remember me from one of mein many fantastic inventions:
- The Taco-fier – Save the world by turning trash into tacos. Yummy and delicious tacos? Nein. It just makes taco shells filled with trash. However, I’m confident that I will be able to turn used syringes and condoms into delicious taco meat by 2035. So many cows will be saved.
- Hat in a Can – Did you forget your hat today? Just spray one on your stupid head. Mold it to whatever kind of hat you want. Spray yourself a derby, a bowler, or a fedora. The government demands I notify you that spray on hats have caused 999 out of 1,000 lab rats to die horrible deaths involving intense seizures and bowel eruptions but please. You’re a human. You’re much stronger than a stupid mouse.
- Ninja Socks – Put them on your feet and you will be able to perform death defying ninja like kicks! However, you’ll inevitably lose one in the washing machine and then if you only wear one of them you will only be able to kick like a Rockette, which, though impressive, is not as awesome as kicking like a ninja. Don’t split up your ninja socks. They work best as a set.
Undt last but not least…
- Das Sun Blocker 3000 – Ha ha. Ha ha….Muah ha ha! Turn over the world’s riches to me or else mein latest invention will block out the sun for 3,000 years! The world will turn into a frozen wasteland and no one will ever wear a swimsuit ever again! (Let’s be honest many of you shouldn’t have been wearing one to begin with and…woopsie! I wasn’t supposed to mention this doohickey just yet.)
Anyhoodles, das Zika virus!
Those pesky little mosquitos have really been wreaking havoc across Brazil, threatening to even ruin the upcoming Olympic Games.
Zika virus can even cause microcephaly which, long story short, can cause women to give birth to babies with small, deformed heads.
Undt now, das news outlets are reporting that scientists believe the virus may even be transmitted through the oral sexenheisen.
To prove that Bookshelf Q. Battler and I have buried das hatchet and set our differences aside, I shall now relay all the jokes that BQB told me when he heard this discovery:
- Who would blow a mosquito?
- Great, yet another excuse for women to avoid polishing the pickle.
- A little head could lead to a baby with a little head. (What? Too soon? Oh stop it and get a sense of humor.)
Finally, 3.5 readers, scientists have even suggested that deep kissing could lead to the Zika virus.
So, as if you all didn’t have enough to worry about, watch out for those mosquitos and also, what you’re putting in your pie hole, you terrible, terrible perverts.
Dr. Hugo Von Science is the Bookshelf Battle Blog’s Science Correspondent, as well as an Esteemed Professor of Science at the Advanced Science Institute of Science University. Additionally, he may or may not be a mad scientist attempting to conquer the world through the power of science in his spare time.