Daily Archives: June 12, 2016

How the West Was Zombed – Holy Crap

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Holy Crap 3.5 Readers.

Six months later, I finally closed the major arc of the book.

Every great story begins with a question.  Or questions.

The main one was would Blythe carry out his mission to transport zombies across the Mississippi River?

Answer – spoiler alert – no!

Still much more to go, but now it is mostly batting cleanup.

Oh I can taste all that sweet, sticky Amazon cash.  I’m going to eat at Applebees for a week.

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How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 112

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The zombies clawed over each other until they finally poured out of the hole that Zeke had torn through the box car roof. A few cars back, they were emerging through the holes that Miles had torn as well.

Slade laid down the heat and put bullets into brains. He quickly ran out of ammo and with no time to reload, he drew Gunther’s knife and stabbed furiously at the zombies that surrounded him, all the while struggling to maintain balance as the train cars rattled due to the increased speed.

A zombified Mr. O’Brien, once Highwater’s friendly photographer, was decapitated by Miles’ claws while Slade plunged his blade into the brain of what had once been Leo, the town’s preeminent drunk.

As soon as they cleared out the zombies in their way, the lawman and the young werewolf ran, with more zombies in hot pursuit.

Slade reloaded, fumbling to fill his pistols with silver-tipped bullets and maintain his footing at the same time.

It was day now. The sun shined brightly and warmed Slade’s face as he blasted a zombie that was grabbing his arm.

The zombies stopped. Slade was puzzled by this until Miles pointed up ahead.

Blythe.

The vampire was using his covered up hostage as a human shield, one arm locked around her neck while his free hand pointed his revolver at Slade.

“Stand down, zombies,” Blythe said. “Mr. Slade and I need to have a little chat.”

Slade and the vampire locked eyes.

“Drop your steel,” Blythe ordered.

Reluctantly, Slade set his pistols down on the boxcar roof.

“And you,” the vampire said as he looked to Miles. “Lose the fur.”

Miles morphed into his boy form.

“Bonnie!” Slade shouted. “Are you all right?”

“Mmmphh!” was the hostage’s muffled reply.

Blythe shook his head and pulled the sheet from his captive’s head.

Sarah. Her mouth was gagged but the fear in her eyes was palpable.

The vampire guffawed. Slade, for the first time since he’d become a U.S. Marshall, displayed a moment of weakness and dropped to his knees.

“Oh,” Blythe said. “Look at you, Slade. You’re too easy.”

“But you said…”

“What?” Blythe asked. “That I took the woman you love the most with me? I lied! That’s what vampire lawyers do!”

Slade stood up.

“The tiny fragments of whatever was left of your heart just snapped, didn’t they?” Blythe asked. “Ms. Lassiter is gone. I’d tell you that she’s dead but that’d be too easy. She’ll wish she was I guarantee you.”

The vein in Slade’s forehead pulsated to a boiling point.

“You’ll hate yourself forever for failing her,” Blythe said.

The vampire nudged his head toward Sarah. “You’ll hate this one for not being your beloved Bonnie…and you’ll hate yourself for hating her.”

Blythe pressed the revolver up against Sarah’s head. “Do I have to splatter her brains to get you to make a deal? Or will you realize once and for all that all a soul does is tear a man up inside and keep him from being his best possible self?”

Miles tapped Slade on the shoulder. The lawman ignored it.

“I’ll draw up a new contract later,” Blythe said. “But for now, a verbal accord will do. Agree to sell your soul to the Chairman or your say goodbye to your second best squeeze.”

“Slade,” Miles said as he continued to tug on the lawman’s arm.

“Not now,” Slade replied.

The vampire cocked the hammer of his revolver with his thumb. “What’s it going to be, Slade?”

Slade stammered. “I…I…”

“Slade!” Miles shouted.

“What?!” Slade shouted back.

“It sure is a nice day, isn’t it?” the boy asked.

Slade squinted his eyes as he looked toward the sun, then back at Miles.

It was time for Slade to hope.

The lawman dove for one of his pistols. The boy wolfed out to his massive furry form, then picked up Slade and through him off the side of the car.

Slade hurtled through to the air in a leftward arc. He took one shot at the vampire before being caught in by Miles’ left paw.

The young werewolf had dug the claws of his right paw into the side of the box car. With all his might, he held on.

Slade looked down. The ground below quickly turned into water. The train was now over the Sturtevant Bridge, darting across the Mississippi River.

Blythe, still holding onto Sarah, peaked over the side and scoffed. “You missed!”

Slade sneered. “Did I?”

Blythe looked himself over, wondering what he’d missed until he saw it. Slade’s crack shot had pierced the chain holding his golden medallion, the gift from the Chairman bestowing upon him the right to be one of few vampires allowed to bask in the sun.

The vampire, for once in his long existence, was afraid. He dropped his revolver and fumbled to catch his talisman but it was too late.

It slipped off his neck and fell through the air into the water below.

Blythe hyperventilated. His face turned purple.

The vampire let go of Sarah and clutched his neck and struggled to breathe.

“Do you think…”

Blythe could barely get the words out.

“… this changes anything?”

The vampire’s eyes bugged out of his head. The veins in his face turned black. “We are legion…for we are many!”

Blythe pushed Sarah off the side of the box car. He then exploded in a burst of sticky, black blood. What had once been the Legion Corporation’s most cunning strategist now painted the roof and side of the box car.

There was no time to celebrate. Sarah screamed through her gag as she fell through the air. Slade reached for her but missed.

Miles roared. He let go of the box car, pulled Slade closer to his body, then caught Sarah.

As the trio fell, a few words from a familiar, overused voice carried through the wind into Miles’ highly sensitive werewolf ears.

“…the open minded masses of the future will no doubt look upon him with great reverence as the man who destroyed the Sturtevant Bridge…”

The young werewolf recognized Doc’s voice and realized no good could come out of this third person tirade. He hugged the two humans tight then maneuvered himself to take the impact of the water landing with his back.

The trio plunged deep into the river as they struggled to reach the surface, the sounds of a tremendous explosion filled their ears.

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How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 111

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Mayhew responded to Doc’s request with a deafening roar.

“A fair point,” Doc replied. “But consider this. My legacy as a world class thinker is at stake. No matter how wise I am, no matter how many suffering I have saved with the curative properties of cocaine, no matter how many women’s lives I have saved through gynecological examinations, I shall forever be remembered as the imbecile who caused a zombie apocalypse to grip the burgeoning Western region of the United States of America.”

The henchwolves roared.

“Ergo,” Doc said. “You are dealing with a man with nothing to lose. Relinquish the box.”

It was a three way standoff and no one was budging.

“Very well,” Doc said. He blasted both henchwolves dead then trained his guns on Mayhew.

Before Doc could get off a shot, his left leg was severed clean off by Mayhew’s claws.

The good doctor fell to the ground. Mayhew ran.

“Thought you’d get away that easily, did you?” Doc asked as he fired three silver bullets into the fleeing werewolf’s back.

Mayhew whelped. He too, was on the ground.

Doc used his hands to drag himself down the bridge. Blood poured from the werewolf’s wounds, but that didn’t stop him from getting up and slowly walking away with the box in hand.

Though Doc was falling apart, his mouth was still operational as usual.

“One can only presume that there is very little difference between human and werewolf anatomy,” the good doctor surmised. “Therefore…”

Doc took a shot and sent a silver-tipped bullet through Mayhew’s left ankle. The beast was immediately grounded.

“Would that you would have only turned over the device and vacated the area,” Doc said as he pulled himself over to the werewolf. “But like so many in this world, you too underestimate my resolve.”

The werewolf rolled over on his back and breathed heavily.

“Rest now, my good man,” Doc said as he put a silver-tipped bullet through Mayhew’s skull.

The train whistle blared.

Doc looked down the track. The Marvel was on the bridge now, about twenty feet away but gaining speed.

He picked up the detonation box and wrapped his hand around the plunger.

“And so ends the journey of Doctor Elias T. Farraday,” Doc said. “A misunderstood genius, reviled by the dimwitted masses of the time he had the misfortune of being born in, but once the dust settles and the history books are written, the open minded masses of the future will no doubt look upon him with great reverence as the man who destroyed the Sturtevant Bridge, keeping the zombie hordes away from the East and…”

The train whistle blared again.

“Oh for the love of God,” Doc complained. “A man can’t even finish a monolog around here.”

The good doctor closed his eyes, gripped the plunger tightly, then pushed.

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Movie Review – Warcraft (2016)

By: Special Guest Video Game Movie Reviewer Video Game Rack Fighter.

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Ms. Fighter – Currently in Training to Defend Her Title in the Upcoming 2016 Car Thief Mayhem World Championship Competition

It’s here! It’s finally here!

The long awaited film based on an online multi-player game is here.

Did it suffer the “video game movies suck curse?”

Read on to find out but beware SPOILERS.

VGRF here with a review of Warcraft.

Movieclips Trailers – Warcraft

Warcraft.  The online game in which humans can choose to be a variety of fantasy characters and fight for virtual power and gold has been around forever, or at least 1996.

That’s right millennials. Some of us were nerding it up before you were born and even before it became chic to declare yourself a nerd.

And now there’s a movie.  It broke the box office in China, bringing in over $145 million this weekend just in that country.  The Chinese love their Warcraft.

Kind of makes me wish I could go back in time and start my own video game company that allows people to pretend to be wizards, warriors, elves, orcs or what have you.

Speaking of orcs, let’s talk about the movie.

Orcs. Long considered the perpetually raging, possibly misunderstood buttholes of the fantasy realm, they’ve destroyed their world and rather than seek to mend their evil orcish ways, they cross through a porthole into the human realm of Azeroth and start conquering and pillaging and generally orcing shit up in true orc fashion.

Hmm. Maybe the Azerothians need to build a wall and make the Orcs pay for it?

Huh? Huh? Crickets. Hmm. Blame BQB. That joke was his idea.

Moving on. Naturally, the humans aren’t going to stand for all this orcish tomfoolery.  From thereon, it’s difficult to figure out who’s who and what’s what because all the human dudes are basically a bunch of long haired hipster beardos who all look alike.

But, if you make an effort to get past that, you’ll see Dominic Cooper as the King Wrynn, Travis Fimmel as Commander Lothar, and Ben Foster as Medivh the Guardian.

I don’t want to give too much away, but suffice to say hi jinx ensue when one orc clan leader has second thoughts about all the evil orcishness and seeks to ally himself with the humans.

Paula Patton plays Garona, the half-human/half-orc and the only one who could possibly bring peace between humans and orcs.

Yeesh. So I assume her father was an orc and her mother was a human.  Her poor, poor mother. She probably didn’t walk right for a year after that.

Crickets? Another joke suggestion from BQB.  Unless you laughed. Then it was all mine.

Ultimately, I don’t think this movie suffers from the “all video game movies suck” curse.

An actual effort was made to develop characters, a plot, a storyline. I won’t spoil the ending but it is obvious that further sequels are in the works.

If you aren’t a nerd or you dislike the fantasy genre, you probably won’t enjoy it.

It is more in line with the traditional fantasy genre style.  Nerds in robes – wizards, elves, dwarves, everyone geeking it up and expecting a nerd audience who knows what all this nerd shit means.

As I watched it, it dawned on me that George RR Martin was able to get a wide, diverse audience into his Song of Ice and Fire (aka Game of Thrones) series because he was able to take so many relatable human problems and insert them into a fantasy world.

But for Warcraft, you’re going to have to be a nerd to enjoy it.

Luckily for you, if you are reading this blog, you already are one.

Visually stunning. Worth to see it on the big screen.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.

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Daily Discussion with BQB – What’s Up With Orlando?

Uh…hey Orlando, I thought you were the happiest place on Earth.

Eh…seems odd to not say anything about it though all of the usual “I’m offering my prayers” and so on seems nauseating.

What say you, 3.5 readers?

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