Daily Archives: June 5, 2016

How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 106

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The night gave way to morning. The dark sky slowly shifted to a light gray as a red sun peaked over the horizon.

Had Slade and Miles not been paying so much attention to their footing as they walked down the line of box cars, they might have enjoyed watching a beautiful sunrise.

Miles stopped when he realized that inside his mind he was no longer alone.

“I surely do feel sorry for you young’uns.”

Zeke.

Realizing something was amiss, Slade stopped walking. As a human, he was oblivious to the conversation.

“I reckon some things will never change,” Zeke continued. “My grandpappy used to warn me about strife he’d been through but despite his best efforts he was never able to keep me from making the same mistakes he did.”

Miles sniffed the air. He put a paw on Slade and nudged him back a few feet.

“And you’re just like I was,” Zeke said. “It’s not enough to tell you that you’ll get an ass whupping. You actually need to experience the whupping.”

“Miles,” Slade said. “What’s the hold up?”

Slade’s question was answered when a furry gray fist punched through the metal roof just in front of him.

A second paw emerged and a hole was torn until it was large enough for Zeke to emerge in all his gray, mangy glory.

Zeke hauled his arm back and socked Miles in the face, sending the young werewolf flying backwards.

Slade was about to come to his friend’s aid when Zeke’s two henchwolves popped out of the hole.

“Know your role, boy!” Zeke said as he tromped towards Miles. “The alpha leads and the pack follows. That’s the way it’s always been and it’s the way it will always be.”

Groans and snarls bellowed out of the hole in the roof. Hands, feet and other body parts poked out. The zombies had been packed to the roof and they were itching to get their mitts on Slade’s brain.

One henchwolf lunged at Slade only to take a silver tipped bullet straight to the head. The beast’s carcass fell into the open hole which led to a symphony of crunching bones and unruly growls as the zombies in the boxcar had their fill.

The second henchwolf was more wily. He knocked Slade down and dragged him close to the open roof, preparing to toss his victim into the zombie infested box car so he could be eaten alive.

Slade found himself in an unenviable predicament. A werewolf’s loathsome sharp teeth filled face was hovering over him, dropping drool all over his face. Meanwhile, zombie hands were reaching out of the hole, desperately trying to grab onto any piece of flesh they could find.

Blam! Slade blew the henchwolf’s brains out then scrambled away just in time to avoid being flattened by the enormous carcass.

Zombie hands felt around until they gripped the deceased henchwolf’s foot and dragged him into the pit. The car rocked as the zombies fought over all that werewolf meat.

Slade stood up and turned around. Zeke had wrapped his paw around Miles’ throat and had lifted the young werewolf into the air. Miles was kicking his feet to and fro, struggling with his hands to free himself to no avail.

Miles!” Slade shouted. “Just be yourself!

The young werewolf shot a confused look at Slade, annoyed at what he thought was a sappy sentiment.

Slade gripped his pistol by the end and hauled his arm back. “No! Be…your…self!!!”

“Did you honestly think a pathetic little whelp like you could ever challenge an alpha king?” Zeke asked. “Swear your allegiance to me this instant or I’ll tear you apart!”

Miles transformed into his normal boy form. His body became so small that he slipped right out of Zeke’s grip. Before the King could figure out what to do, Slade tossed his pistol.

The boy caught it. He pointed it at Zeke’s head, pulled the trigger, and the King fell dead.

“Sorry,” Miles said. “But I’m a Freeman.”

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Daily Discussion with BQB – Plagiarism and Self-Publishing

Happy Sunday 3.5 Readers.

BQB here to talk about an article in The Atlantic – Stealing Books in the Age of Self-Publishing by Joy Lanzendorfer.

The article discusses how it is too easy for some unscrupulous people to take the works of others, change them around a little bit and then pass them off as their own, profiling authors who have had this happen to them.

Apparently it happens more often than people realize, and it isn’t always so blatant that is easily discovered. Sometimes plagiarized books are up for awhile and as the article notes, it is usually a plucky reader that spots the similarities and alerts the author.

 

To make this a BQB Daily Discussion, what are some ways that self-publishers can protect themselves from such chicanery?

 

 

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Pick a New Theme for Bookshelf Battle

Happy Saturday 3.5 Readers.

I’m shopping for new themes. Take a look at some of them with me, will you?

After all, as my 3.5 readers, you’ll need to be as satisfied as I am:

#1 – NEWSMAG  – I like it but I’m not sure why the menu is there twice. This has been pretty much been my experience. I find something that seems acceptable but for one weird little thing:

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#2 – WILSON – Hmm.  I like posting various funny pictures right at the top of my blog, often pictures of the “bookshelf battles” occurring on my magic bookshelf. For the 3.5 people who read this blog, it really ties the theme together.

Otherwise, the theme is crisp, uncluttered, it does pull Twitter, Facebook feeds and other widgets up to the left instead of leaving them buried at the bottom like my current theme does.

I guess the tradeoff is the main photo becomes smaller and off to the left instead of prominently at the top.  Ironically, the photo does appear at the top on tablets and phones.

It’s free, so that’s a plus.  I do prefer the menu at the top but I think the design so clearly helps the user to distinguish what’s the written content and what’s the menu content that it’s not a concern.

Hmm. This one’s a contender.

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#3 – HIVE – This one needs two photos. First, it didn’t cut off “my” face but rather it all just comes out to big to come out in one screenshot. Take my word that my head is there and you just scroll down through a pretty sweet funny photo and bold headline before you get to the meat of the blog.

“BQB you wanted a blog that has a prominent photo and bold headline.”

That I do. That’s what intrigues me. It is like $150 which I don’t relish spending but I guess if it’s something I enjoy doing I guess I can sacrifice some dough for my 3.5 readers.

If you move to the second photo, you’ll see the posts come out in a newspaper like format.  Side by side, crisp columns.

You end up with a blog roll where many, many of more posts are clickable before you get to the bottom of the roll and have to click next to get to the back log.

No one ever clicks next.  So more posts before you reach the end could attract more than 3.5 readers.

So I’ll call what’s on the front page “teasers.” You basically get a paragraph of the post and then when you click it you get the whole thing.

I’m not sure why my photos don’t show up in the teasers but they do show up in the post itself when you reach it.

I’m not too worried about that because I have read other blogs where photos are in the teasers so there must be a way.

I’m on the fence on this one. It’s very beautiful. It does come with a lot of features that seem like they’d increase the ole click-a-roos.

But I feel like no one understands the concept of my blog as it is. It’s a blog about a nerd with a magic bookshelf who engages in all manner of nerdy hi jinx while he pursues a career as a novelist to appease an alien dictator.

Does this format make it a newspaper about all that above?

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#4 – PENSCRATCH – Oh my God. It’s got the prominent headline. It’s got the menu at the top. It’s got the menu at the top. It’s got the place for the funny header photo.

The shopping list is complete! But…shit. Is it me or is that font very light? It looks like what happens when someone tries to write with lemon juice on paper.

If I can figure out how to darken up the font and maybe come up with some spiffier fonts this one could also be a contender.

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CONCLUSIONS –

My gut is telling me to go with WILSON but I can also see the argument that PENSCRATCH is the closest to what I have now and perhaps I shouldn’t take my stinky socks off in the bottom of then ninth. Not crazy about that light font though.

Sheesh. Picking a new theme is like picking a mistress. Chunk’s like my toothless, frazzled hair wife. Sure, she’s not the best, but she’s always there for me and gets the job done.

If I’m going to leave her I want it to be for a super model that’s really going to rev my engine but it just seems like I’m trading one toothless wife for another toothless wife.

I’m from the 90’s. I can say things like this.

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BQB Applies Muhammad Ali’s Confident Trash Talking Skills to Blog Promotion

I am BQB and I am the Greatest Blogger who ever lived. I type a butterfly and post like a bee, you cannot ignore the words that your eyes already see.

I am the world’s fastest blogger. Fast with my fingers. I type so fast I make flames jump out of my keyboard. I keep the fire department on standby whenever I feel a musing coming on.

I write faster than a cheetah can breakdance. The other day I wrote a post so fast it broke the space time continuum. People read it before I even finished writing it.

If you match my typing fingers up against a bullet train, I’ll beat the bullet train every time.

I once blogged so fast that I made the earth rotate backwards just as Superman did when he turned back time.

The only way it could be fair for me to blog against the rest of you bums would be if I were to tie my best blogging hand behind my back. Tie them both back there for all I care. I can type better with my nose than most people can with their digits.

My blog posts are intriguing. They’re so intriguing that if you took every episode of Murder She Wrote, wrapped them up in soft taco shell made out of flour ground from the collective works of Stephen King and sautéed the whole mess in a sauce comprised of Agatha Christie’s sweat, the entire ensuing entree would not contain one quarter of the intrigue found in one of my posts.

People always be talking about The Huffington Post. You reporters are more crooked than an MC Escher staircase for writing that The Huffington Post puts my blog to shame.

The Huff Po may talk a lot of jive but I got the best readers and they number one, two, three point five.

I will blog circles around Huff Po.  I’m up posting ten articles before the Huff Po drags its stinking ass out of bed in the morning and I’m tweeting the links to my stuff before the Huff Po has its morning coffee.

That’s right I also tweet like a butterfly too.

People always be talking about how Perez Hilton is a better pop culture blogger than me. Perez Hilton couldn’t blog his way out of a wet paper bag. Man draws dicks on celebrity faces and he acts like that makes him a comedy genius or something. I can draw a better dick on a celebrity face any time anywhere.

All you reporters asking me if I think I can out blog Icanhascheesburger?

Please. I don’t care how cute and adorable those kitties are. I will slap the cheeseburgers right out their stupid mouths and send them to bed without supper.

No, you furry bastards, no you cannot have cheeseburger.

Can I out gawk Gawker? You better believe it. I have never been sued by Hulk Hogan and even though that’s because Hulk Hogan is not one of my 3.5 readers I can still say I have never been sued by Hulk Hogan. Pretty much everyone else out there can say that too but still. It’s a miraculous accomplishment to not have been sued by Hulk Hogan. I wear my lack of a Hulk Hogan suit like a badge of honor.

The Drudge Report? “Oh look at me I’m Matt Drudge I’ve been HTML coding my own blog since the 90s.” Dude, please. I’m too busy creating blogs that break the surly bonds of the stratosphere to code my own HTML. I let those turkeys at WordPress do all my HTML coding for me.

I’ll hand it to Matt that he blew the lid off the whole Monica Lewinsky scandal but had I been around in the 90s there would have never been a scandal because Monica would have been too infatuated with me, as most women are.

TMZ?  No. People prefer BQB. And when I say people, I’m talking about your wives, because once you go nerd, it’s the best you’ve ever heard.

3.5 hits may be the only clicks I gets but they’re also the only clicks I’ll ever need.

Because when you have the greatest 3.5 readers in the world then you are truly the greatest.

And finally, every blogger other than me is ugly. The greatest blogger in the world should be as pretty as me.

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