Op-Ed – It’s Time to Stick a Rocket Up East Randomtown’s Ass and Fly it to Outer Space

shutterstock_287108603

BY: Leo McKoy, Candidate for East Randomtown Mayor

3.5 readers, this Tuesday you will have a major decision on your hands.

Coke or Pepsi?

You know, it’s funny. I prefer Coke to Pepsi but Diet Pepsi to Diet Coke. Isn’t that odd?

Wait. That’s not the major decision.

Trump or Clinton?

Are you serious? Either way 50% of the country ends up hating the other 50%.

No, 3.5 readers, on Tuesday you will have the choice to choose me, or Bookshelf Q. Battler as the next Mayor of East Randomtown and in so doing, decide the course of our humble burg.

When you get in that voting booth, ask yourself:

  • Do I want to vote for the only candidate who will fill the community pool with cherry slushee slush on a daily basis?
  • Do I want to vote for the only candidate who will make Ultimate Fighting the official town sport?
  • Do I want to vote for the only candidate who will hold Free Titties and Beer Night at the Random Bar? (FYI the beer will be free for an hour and for off brand beer only and did I say free titties? I meant free kitties. Damn typo.  Titties are never free, but we have plenty of stray felines in search of a good home and they don’t mind that you’re an alcoholic who came to free beer night.)
  • Do I want to vote for the only candidate who has pledged to rid the town of space aliens, zombies, yetis and other wacky organisms?
  • Do I want to vote for the only candidate who delivered a sandwich to James Van Der Beek?

If you answered yes to all of the above, then you must vote for me, Leo McKoy, the most famous resident of East Randomtown. My sandwich delivery was may more important than BQB’s dumb blog with a mere 3.5 readers.

If you elect me, I’m going to stick a giant rocket up this town’s ass and fly it into outer space.

No, not really. Don’t be stupid. I’m talking figuratively. Shit. The East Randomtown public school system really failed you people if you can’t recognize a metaphor.

I’m saying I’m going to make the town awesome and it is going to feel as awesome as if you were on a rocket to outer space, which I can only assume is an awesome experience.

PAID FOR BY THE COMMITTEE TO ELECT LEO MCKOY BECAUSE BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER IS A DUMB JERKFACE AND NO ONE READS HIS STUPID BLOG.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: