Daily Archives: November 7, 2016

Douglas Adams Quote on Elections

Hey 3.5 readers.

I’ve written about this quote before but since Election Day is tomorrow, it made me think of it again.

I love Douglas Adams. With his Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy and subsequent sequels, he is one of the great humorists.

Funny, if you read The Hitchhiker’s Guide, he also more or less predicted the invention of the iPad as the guide itself was this great computerized technological book.

What Douglas Adams says about elections and politicians in The Restaurant at the End of the Universe:

“The major problem—one of the major problems, for there are several—one of the many major problems with governing people is that of whom you get to do it; or rather of who manages to get people to let them do it to them.

To summarize: it is a well-known fact that those people who must want to rule people are, ipso facto, those least suited to do it.

To summarize the summary: anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.”

Accurate? Not accurate?

What say you, 3.5 readers?

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OP-ED – I’m Still Convinced that Leo McKoy is a Robot and Also Lying About Delivering a Sandwich to James Van Der Beek

By: Bookshelf Q. Battler, Acting Mayor of East Randomtown and Mayoral Candidate

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3.5 readers, when the position for East Randomtown Mayor came up for election, I stood up, took a bold stand and said, “Ugh. Well, if there isn’t anyone who isn’t an asshole running then I guess I have to run even though it is a total inconvenience for me and is also as waste of time since everyone in this town is a big dumb dummy dumb face and no one will listen to me and everyone will just do whatever they want anyway.”

That’s the kind of decisive leadership this town needs and that’s the kind of leadership I can provide.

Sure, I  could brag all day about having a blog that attracts the attention of 3.5 readers, but I’d rather point out two things as this election season draws to a close.

First, whoever is running is not the real Leo McKoy. I saw Leo McKoy get eaten by zombies.  So whoever this is, it must be a robot designed to look like Leo McKoy designed for the sole purpose of some sinister genius to gain control of East Randomtown.

Why would an evil genius do that? I have no idea. East Randomtown really sucks and it isn’t like controlling this garbage dump of a town provides anyone with any strategic advantage, so your guess is as good as mine, but at any rate, there is, as my spirit guide Shakespeare would say, “something rotten in the state of Denmark.”

Second, we only have Leo McKoy’s word that he delivered a sandwich to James Van Der Beek.  Sure, if he did deliver that sandwich then that makes him one of, and perhaps the most important, famous, successful and influential people this town has ever produced, because as you know, the standard to be considered a great person in this town is very, very, extremely very low.

But we only have Leo’s word.  Do you think a highly successful James Van Der Beek would bother stepping foot in East Randomtown?

I don’t think so.

People, your only chance for this town to not get sucked into a giant pit of suck (as my motivational speaker Vinny Baggadouchio would say) is to vote for me, Bookshelf Q. Battler.

Or don’t. Honestly, if I lose I’d get more free time that I could use to attract more readers to my blog.  Perhaps I could get as many as 17.9 people reading this thing and then I’d be in the big leagues.

So vote for me but if you don’t its cool because at least I can say I tried.

PAID FOR BY THE COMMITTEE TO CONVINCE YOU THAT IF YOU DON’T VOTE FOR BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER THEN YOU MUST BE SOME KIND OF BIG DUMB DUMMY DUMB FACE AND THERE ISN’T MUCH MORE BQB CAN DO OR SAY IF YOU’RE ALL HELLBENT ON BEING THAT DUMB.

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Op-Ed – It’s Time to Stick a Rocket Up East Randomtown’s Ass and Fly it to Outer Space

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BY: Leo McKoy, Candidate for East Randomtown Mayor

3.5 readers, this Tuesday you will have a major decision on your hands.

Coke or Pepsi?

You know, it’s funny. I prefer Coke to Pepsi but Diet Pepsi to Diet Coke. Isn’t that odd?

Wait. That’s not the major decision.

Trump or Clinton?

Are you serious? Either way 50% of the country ends up hating the other 50%.

No, 3.5 readers, on Tuesday you will have the choice to choose me, or Bookshelf Q. Battler as the next Mayor of East Randomtown and in so doing, decide the course of our humble burg.

When you get in that voting booth, ask yourself:

  • Do I want to vote for the only candidate who will fill the community pool with cherry slushee slush on a daily basis?
  • Do I want to vote for the only candidate who will make Ultimate Fighting the official town sport?
  • Do I want to vote for the only candidate who will hold Free Titties and Beer Night at the Random Bar? (FYI the beer will be free for an hour and for off brand beer only and did I say free titties? I meant free kitties. Damn typo.  Titties are never free, but we have plenty of stray felines in search of a good home and they don’t mind that you’re an alcoholic who came to free beer night.)
  • Do I want to vote for the only candidate who has pledged to rid the town of space aliens, zombies, yetis and other wacky organisms?
  • Do I want to vote for the only candidate who delivered a sandwich to James Van Der Beek?

If you answered yes to all of the above, then you must vote for me, Leo McKoy, the most famous resident of East Randomtown. My sandwich delivery was may more important than BQB’s dumb blog with a mere 3.5 readers.

If you elect me, I’m going to stick a giant rocket up this town’s ass and fly it into outer space.

No, not really. Don’t be stupid. I’m talking figuratively. Shit. The East Randomtown public school system really failed you people if you can’t recognize a metaphor.

I’m saying I’m going to make the town awesome and it is going to feel as awesome as if you were on a rocket to outer space, which I can only assume is an awesome experience.

PAID FOR BY THE COMMITTEE TO ELECT LEO MCKOY BECAUSE BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER IS A DUMB JERKFACE AND NO ONE READS HIS STUPID BLOG.

BQB’s Walking Dead Recap – Season 7, Episode 3 – “The Cell”

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Oh, I’m on Easy Street, la dee de Easy Street…

Daryl is in Neegan jail, punished with dog food sandwiches, solitary confinement, beatings and “Easy Street” playing on a continuous loop non-stop.

Neegan monologues way too much but Daryl is showing the mental toughness he needs to get out of this situation.

Will Dwight remain loyal to Neegan or will he team up with Daryl?

What say you, 3.5 readers?

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Movie Review – Hacksaw Ridge (2016)

Sometimes a conscientious objector can still be a badass, 3.5 readers.

BQB here with a review of Hacksaw Ridge.

OBLIGATORY SPOILER WARNING

This film tells the story of Desmond Doss (Andrew Garfield), an Army medic who became the first conscientious objector to win the Medal of Honor after saving seventy-five men during the Battle of Hacksaw Ridge in World War II Japan.

Having experienced too much violence as a young man, the devoutly religious Doss vows to never commit violence and would rather die than hurt anyone, even if that someone is about to hurt him.

Naturally, the Army is puzzled as to why the hell he voluntarily signed-up if he won’t carry a rifle.

His superiors, played by Vince Vaughn and Sam Worthington, go out of their way to get him tossed out of the army as they can’t fathom the idea of a soldier who is unwilling to learn how to shoot a weapon.

Will Doss earn their respect in the end?

The first half of the film is a tad hokey.  Lots of war movie cliches mixed in with Doss’ battle with the brass to pass basic training without touching a gun.

The second half is a blood and guts fest. Explosions and gun fire galore. Stabbings, mutilations, flame throwers, grenades, missing limbs, all kinds of gore.

Movies are able to speak with images and the message the director is giving us is, “war is hell.”

Some films and the overall media try to capture what it is like to be a soldier and fail.  Patriotic movies are all well and good but this movie takes us onto the battle field in all of its “Holy shit my friend just got his face blown off and now a guy is stabbing me and holy crap my face is on fire and my leg just got blown off!” butt puckering glory.

Thus, if you want to join the army, make sure you’re joining for the right reasons (not just because a spiffy uniform is involved) and understand there will be many butt puckering moments you won’t be able to even comprehend until you face them.

Further, politicians should consider what soldiers must go through during war time and avoid war at all costs.

That’s the message I took away from it, anyway.

It’s definitely an underdog story as Doss takes heaps of abuse from his unit for his non-violent ways only to prove his bravery and save tons of men on the battlefield.

Speaking of underdogs, Mel Gibson’s career is also on the line here.

You remember Mel, don’t you?

Beloved actor/director. Starred in and directed a lot of great movies. Had a reputation of “Well, if Mel’s in it then it will be good” and then he had some, well, I won’t get into the details but let’s just say some well documented breakdowns.

Since then, he’s starred in some films that were sort of blah.  This is Hollywood letting him at the helm with a big budget and a great script so…I mean the film is fabulous Oscar bait and though I don’t wear my emotion on my sleeve, even I found myself crying as Desmond proved all the naysayers wrong…

…but, it is still hard to get over those nasty rants, Mel.  I don’t know.  You might have to cure cancer or something.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy and worth a trip to the theater for the explosions, but skip the popcorn if you don’t want to hurl once the guts and limbs and assorted body parts start flying.

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