Oh for the love of…
Disney is giving the live action remake treatment to Beauty and the Beast, purported to be the best story of how true love blooms despite what one looks like or don’t judge a book by its cover or what have you…
…but really it is about a French girl whose father is kidnapped by an angry dog man and then the girl trades places with her father and then she develops Stockholm syndrome and falls in love with her captor but really the only reason that love persists is because he gets turned in a handsome prince with a giant ass house and a staff of servants and a shit ton of money.
Honestly, people. You think Belle would get down with a broke ass dog monster man if he was living in a rent controlled section eight government subsidized apartment without two nickels to rub together?
“Hmm let me think if I want to be with this broke ass dog monster man and uh…no!”
Worse, Gaston, oh Gaston, yes you were a braggadocios douche but your heart was in the right place. You heard that some broad had been kidnapped by a dog monster so you went to save her ass.
Sure, you were only saving her because you thought maybe she’d fall in love with you but stop fooling yourself, ladies, that’s why any man does anything for you. From that guy you always call when you need something heavy lifted to that stranger on the subway who just gave you a piece of gum, every man hopes that the most insignificant little bit of assistance offered to a woman is going to get him laid but oh, oh my God, let’s all be hypocrites and shit on Gaston and cheer when his ass gets thrown off a roof because he wanted to save some dame.
And yes I’ll probably see it. Damn it, Disney! You’ve hoisted me on my own petard and you get my money by making me pay to see a story you’ve already shown me yet again!