Daily Archives: November 21, 2016

BQB’s Walking Dead Recap – Season 7, Episode 6 – Go Getters

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OBLIGATORY SPOILER ALERT

I gotta be honest 3.5 readers. I don’t always know exactly what’s going on with the Walking Dead, so if it ever sounds like I got it wrong then feel free to correct me.

There are so many characters and locations and story lines to keep up with and I am a busy man with a blog frequented by 3.5 readers to attend to.

Maggie’s alive though I don’t think anyone was really fooled into thinking she was dead.

The Saviors retaliate against the Hilltop by bringing the zombies though I didn’t really get why…for disobeying orders, for harboring Sasha and Maggie except the Saviors seem to be unaware they are there so I don’t get it.

Steven Ogg is going to make a career out of playing the angry Grand Theft Auto douche.  One of few people to get famous off of a video game character.

Carl and Enid: A Love Story Amidst a Zombie Apocalypse. Aww.

What say you, 3.5 readers?

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Warm-Up #4 – Person, Place and Thing

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I’ll give you a person, a place and a thing.

You write a story around it.

Here we go:

A teenager, a garage and his Dad’s wrecked car.

A British aristocrat, a rodeo and a jug of moonshine.

The Pope, New Orleans and a delicious Reuben sandwich with extra slaw.

Your mother-in-law, Barbados and a gallon of motion lotion.

Thomas Edison, Mars and a light bulb.

A lion tamer, a bathroom and a plunger.

The King of the Elven Warriors of Gooba Dooba, the top of a hill and a bag of pomegranates.

The Earl of Sandwich, a beach and a lobster roll.

Beethoven, Compton during the early 1990s and an invitation to tour a gangster rap recording studio.

An astronaut, Uranus and a gelatin mold in the shape of a giraffe.

Napoleon Bonaparte, a wacky frat party and a hacky sack.

Niles Batzengant, Professional Zombie Killer, Manhattan and a hickory stick.

An idiot, Thanksgiving dinner at your Grandma’s house and a bugle.

Cowboy Ron, a fast food joint drive-thru and an umbrella.

Phoebe the Wall Street investment banker, a used car dealership and a pack of playing cards.

Kenny the Depressed Vampire, a lonely hotel room and a wooden stake.

A supermarket cashier, Pismo Beach and a lucky rabbit’s foot.

Father Tom Connor, a confession booth and a box of crayons.

A train conductor, Grand Central station and a potato.

A horse riding instructor, the deck of a battle ship and a bag of stale Halloween candy.

Santa Claus, the back room of a lewd establishment and a bottle of the house’s most expensive champagne.

Stand-up comedian Stan Larue, the middle of a witch’s coven and a back scratcher.

Your high school gym teacher, a pirate ship and a loofah.

Ann Plattersburg, Renegade Garner, a tulip farm onboard the intergalactic space station and a bottle of hot sauce.

Jimmy the Stoner, the White House and a beer helmet.

Olaf the Viking Chieftain, tea time at a proper lady’s house and a tube of prescription strength anti-herpes medicinal ointment.

Robin Hood, a lending library and a whet stone.

Harrison Wellington, Novice Donkey Wrangler, the jungle and a cheese sandwich.

A robot repairman, a trash compactor and a box of cereal.

Famed actor Stu Winnebago, a psychiatrist’s leather couch and a pocket watch.

Professional hockey player Pete Sarbo, a ridiculously long ride at an amusement park and a toothbrush.

A dog walker, a haberdashery and a fedora.

Waldo the Passive Aggressive Clown, a children’s birthday party and a kazoo.

A lunatic, Chicago and a photograph of a turnip.

World famous checker player Xander Mazbett, a den of thieves and stolen cutlery.

A superhero, an ice cream parlor and an expired gift card.

A TV weatherman, the eye of a hurricane and a pair of sweet ass front row concert tickets.

A mad scientist, a cosplayer convention and an empty wallet.

An alligator wrestler, the Everglades and a dog whistle.

A pizza delivery boy, a Shaolin temple and a banana.

A samba dancer, a model train enthusiast convention and a broken pencil.

Frank the bartender, a beauty parlor and a bottle of cheap scotch.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Help Me Choose a Cover for Bookshelf Q. Battler’s Big Book of Badass Writing Prompts

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The results of my 99Designs book cover contest are in, 3.5 readers.

I don’t want to say anything.  I want you to feast your peepers on these designs cold and tell me what you, as a potential purchaser, would think when you see these designs.

Which one would should I choose and why?  Tell me what you’d think of the book based on the various designs and any other comments you find helpful.

I’ll share my thoughts later but I want to hear what you have to say without hearing anything from me to bias the results first.

Check out the designs here then tell me what you think in the blog comments here at Bookshelf Battle.

 

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Warm-Up #3 – Opening Lines

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Warm-up #3 – Opening Lines

I will write the first line, you write the rest of the story.

“For as long as Darla could remember, her classmates never cared about the fact that she had a speech impediment due to the fact that her wretched Uncle Ignatius once scared her half to death by dressing up like a monster and jumping out of her closet on Boysenberry Day.”

“Captain Zapadoo hovered his space ship over the flaming wreckage and shouted, ’It should have been me but I’m glad it wasn’t!’”

“Kyle was the kind of guy who liked to play marbles and drink grape soda, so when he saw that someone had stolen his bag of marbles and his supply of grape soda, he became intensely angry.”

“The tension was sticky and creamy, not unlike a soft serve ice cream cone.”

“He was up, he was down, he was all over town but nobody was ever able to stop the Great Lowenberger from stealing onions from Farmer Glenn’s barn.”

“‘We’re going to steal everything that isn’t nailed down,’ Big Louie said to his gang as they entered the discount yoga mat warehouse.”

“It had become increasingly clear to Gloria that no one would ever love her as much as she loved throwing lawn darts at circus folk.”

“There comes a time in a man’s life when he has to stop petting every stray dog he sees and pick one to bring home.”

“It was a setup and it was all Barry’s fault because he was the one playing the flute.”

“The sun burned the horizon a crispy hue of crimson as Dolores hanged a man from the nearest tree for sniffing her under britches without permission.”

“Kincaid was a bad man but Jacoby was worse because he was the only man who had ever stolen a child’s candy while whistling a jaunty tune.”

“The vampire bit into his victim’s neck and was surprised to get a mouth full of rocky road ice cream instead of blood.”

“‘I’ll never take a detour through the desert ever again,’ Detective Jackson said to his partner as he pulled a cactus needle out of his backside.”

“A cool wind blew through Vanessa’s hair as she baked a stromboli and listened to a poorly produced podcast.”

“The mountain touched the sky and Sir Bradenborough had forgotten his backpack.”

“The flames danced in Jenny’s eyes as she thought about happier times, specifically, the day her father had bought her a pony named Xavier.”

“It was an act of sheer, unadulterated chemistry as Becky and Sam reached for the same tube of cold sore medication.”

“‘I’ve been thrown out of better dumps than this,’” Mrs. Broadside mumbled as she grabbed her coat and walked out of the PTA meeting.”

“The mind has its way of playing tricks, and Arlene’s mind was very busy.”

“The pair of castaways had been trapped in a life raft for seventeen days and when they ran out of rations, they couldn’t help but notice how tasty each other looked.”

“The golden treasure gleamed and glistened in the light as Maxwell stared at it longingly.”

“The zombies trudged into Benedict’s room, unaware that their target had snuck under the bed until a rogue fart gave him away.”

“‘We’ll always have Paris,’” Evan said to Stacy as they ran away from one another with their arms flailing to and fro in the breeze.”

“‘Brace for impact!’ the pilot said as he dipped his donut into his coffee and ignored every last button in the cockpit.”

“‘Rules are for suckers,’” Laramie said as he kicked a gnome down the street as if it were a pudgy little pointy hat wearing soccer ball.”

“The tide was low, the sand was wet and Mrs. Honeypepper had once again forgotten her sunscreen.”

“The angels smiled upon Dr. Craig Gadleaf as he bought a bratwurst for a homeless man.”

“Trevor knew his unkind remarks would awake a beast in Stephanie – a creature so dangerous that it could never be put back once it was unleashed.”

“It was not the best, worst, or mediocre of times.”

“The witches stirred their brew and waited for a victim to drink it.”

“The robot clinked and clanked as it walked to deck eleven.”

“Michael rowed the boat ashore but no one was there to shout “Hallelujah” once he arrived.”

“Bill couldn’t stand the scent of aardvark dung and he knew that would be a problem because Dave’s house was full of it.”

“War is hell and Derrick was about to learn that the hard way.”

“The icy shoreline was pristine and had not been trotted upon and many centuries.”

“Pastels were Emma’s favorite colors.”

“A roundhouse kick is not easily planted, but Vonda’s foot connected with her attacker’s stupid face quite easily on that fateful day.”

“‘I object!” Attorney Brestleton shouted as the witness flipped the defendant the middle finger.”

“Memories can be deceptive and as Marlene entered the monastery, she ignored all the sights and sounds around her because for the life of her, she just could not recall whether or not she had left the stove on.”

“Dead men may tell no tales, but it takes a live man to read a book, and the book Jeremy was reading was a real stinker.”

“As Roland plucked exactly fourteen feathers out of a deceased ostrich’s behind, he began to question the decisions he’d made in his life.”

“Audrey was a very unhappy lady and she always let everyone know it.”

“Ten years had passed since the vile Lord Fontlaroo Von Stinkface had conquered the world and no one had cracked a smile or eaten a jelly donut ever since.”

“Nigel ran and ran and ran until he tripped on a rock and fell flat on his face.”

“Mike was about to be arrested by a Canadian Mountie and he was depressed because he had never eaten a shrimp cocktail before.”

“Azkabobalot the Destroyer searched many worlds and when he finally found his victim, he decided to give him a pass.”

“Aunt Edna always wrapped herself up in her favorite shawl whenever there was a lunar eclipse, but no one ever knew why.”

“Alex thought he could stop a train with his mind but he was wrong.”

“The best way to make God laugh is to either tell him your plans or make a silly face in his general direction.”

“Otis hated kale chips as much as he despised Fred’s toupee.”

“It was late summer and the sea bass were jumping when Uncle Clyde jumped off a bridge.”

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BQB – Warm Up # 2 – Famous Last Words

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Warm Up #2 – Famous Last Words

Choose your own setting and characters and write a scene that ends with someone saying your choice of:

“I’d love just a dab of potatoes au gratin for they are delightful this time of year.”

“What? How dare Prince Montgomery imply that I resemble a baboon’s backside during mating season?”

“You never know what’s in your pockets until you check.”

“Ow! I can’t believe you slapped me in the face with a radioactive hemorrhoid donut pillow!”

“Why did you kill Artie? He was so handsome and kind and he smelled like peppermint schnapps.”

“I’ll take one of those and one of those and three of those.”

“Had I known this party was going to be such a torrid affair I would have attended sans pantaloons.”

“Avast, ye scurvy dog! Walk the plank ye dirty scoundrel, for it’s off to Davy Jones’ locker with ye, arr.”

“Damn baby, we gots to do this again.”

“Don’t trip just because I look so good.”

“I hate these shoes. They squeak too much and they smell terrible.”

“Has anyone seen my squirrel’s nut sack? He never leaves his tree hole without it.”

“Well, that’s the last time I visit Cucamonga without a fiver and a fifth of tequila.”

“Hey you with the face!”

“Oh yeah? You and what army?”

“You’ll never take me alive, copper!”

“Three strikes! You’re out!”

“It only rains on Tuesdays in December.”

“What a woman. I’ll never meet another one like her.”

“What a man. I hope I never meet a doofus like him again.”

“All aboard the Titanic!”

“I think I left my sandwich in my other genes.”

“Do you really love me?”

“If the Count has a problem with me, he can tell me himself.”

“I enjoy causing large, obnoxious explosions and walking away slowly without looking back at them because I am an action movie badass and that’s what action movie badasses do.”

“Paging Miss Womtana. Miss Womtana, you are needed in suite three.”

“It’s a good day to slurp ice cream.”

“It’s a good day to quit watching game shows.”

“It’s a good day to die.”

“It’s a good day to come back to life.”

“It’s a good day to sleep in my barcalounger.”

“Who sings this song?”

“I can’t believe we’ll never see Murray again.”

“One lobster with extra butter please.”

“That schmuck was the lousiest tipper I’ve ever seen.

“Whoa. I can’t believe you wore that out of your house. Go back and change.”

“Only one more minute till the tuna turns on his flashlight.”

“Brother, can you spare a packet of soy sauce?”

“If Jim wants a divorce then no one is stopping him.”

“I’ll sue!”

“Ma’am, would you mind handing me the taco salad?”

“If I live for a thousand years I’ll never understand this.”

“That guy is the worst.”

“Laurie? Sure, I know Laurie. Face like a science experiment gone wrong, but a sweet gal. The kind of gal you want to hold hands with on a park bench and swap stories with until you’re both old and gray.”

“Doug left me with Chad and Chad is insane.”

“Freud could study you for a year and still not figure out why you’re bonkers.”

“Lady, I have no idea why you’re constipated.”

“Surprise!”

“That’s just life in the big city.”

“Swell. That’s just swell.”

“I think I love you but I better check with Aunt Matilda just to be sure.”

“Fantastic heist, gang. Let’s meet back at the hideout in an hour and nobody do anything stupid, capiche?”

“Sorry, I broke character again.”

“I’ve met the Duke of Tuscany. I’ve eaten caviar with the Duke of Tuscany. The Duke of Tuscany is the best friend I have ever known and we have frolicked naked in the strawberry fields many times together. You, my good man, are not the Duke of Tuscany.”

“Cripes! I’ve been shot!”

“Waldo is a jerk. Let’s never ask him for butter again.”

“I’m lost.”

“Who moved my cheddar biscuit?

“Larry, why don’t you just ask for directions already?”

“Kate, I want you to marry me. You’re the only one I want to move to the Bronx with.”

“Well whoop-dee-friggin-doo. Let’s like we got a real boy scout on our hands here, fellas.”

“As God as my witness, I’ll never drink that much again.”

“Girl, you ain’t all that a box of cookies.”

“‘Ello guvnah.”

“Platypus – the other white meat.”

“Oh no! The killer is coming this way! I know! I’ll run upstairs and take a shower!”

“Marvin? Never heard of the guy.”

“I think you need to back off.”

“Sir, you are certifiably bananas.”

“What a wild goose chase that ones.”

“Did anyone think there would be ducks on the moon?”

“Best car on the market.”

“I’ll see your ten and raise you twenty and a pocket watch worn once by a guy I met on a bus.”

“I feel funny.”

“I smelly funny.”

“You look funny.”

“Funny is as funny does.”

“Sure, you can dance, but do you know how to sing?”

“Don’t cry for me. I’ve been to New Jersey.”

“Oh Lana, will you ever stop playing canasta long enough to realize that I matter?”

“Why?”

“Who is that running through the gymnasium in a gregarious manner?”

“That’s the last time I pay a contractor up front.”

“I can do this for days.”

“Jupiter is my favorite planet in the solar system.”

“I am not to be taken lightly.”

“I will not drink flat soda.”

“Love is for suckers.”

“What have you done?”

“I want to make an honest woman out of you.”
“Hey baby, nice tea kettle. Does it whistle when its hot?”

“Bravo! Bravo! Encore! Encore!”

“It aint over till the fat lady sings.”

“If Jasmine wants a quiche, Jasmine gets a quiche.”

“I’m tired of running.”

“I’ll never talk! I’m no squealer and nothing you do will make me turn rat.”

“What a wonderful day in Idaho.”

“If looks could kill I’d be in perfect health.”

“What a silly bunch of idiots we’ve got in this neck of the woods.”

“I’ll never speak to you again. Call me Thursday.”

“If it aint broke, don’t fix it.”

“Why did you take all the pudding?”

“This is perfectly safe.”

“What a fine predicament you’ve gotten us into.”

“Don’t worry. Lenny will fix everything.”

“Cash only. No credit.”

“There are so many naked people in this room it was just declared a nudist colony.”

“I need a fresh pair of underwear.”

“Clean up on aisle seven.”

“Well sure, it works now!”

“Well, I never!”

“Why don’t you look me in the eye when you say that?”

“We’re all gathered her today to remember the life of our dear friend.”

“I hate you.”

“I want to see you again.”
“Let’s meet at this very spot in twenty years if neither of us is married.”

“Let’s meet at this very spot in twenty years if neither of us has tried swordfish by then. I hear a good sautéed swordfish steak is delicious.”

“Let’s just throw caution to the wind and be together now and forgot about meeting in this spot in twenty years.”

“You’re an animal! Do you hear me? An animal!”

“That worked out well.”

“I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

“What a fine kettle of fish.”

“Never trust an imbecile to deal cards.”

“Love never strikes twice.”

“And I lived to tell the tale.”

“Oh Betsy, why do you do this to me?”

“Ring me sometime.”

“I got the blues.”

“I can’t catch a break.”

“Who are you looking at?”

“I caught a walrus. I let it go. Man was not meant to own a walrus.”

“You catch more flies with honey than vinegar, but what some ignoramus would want a bunch of flies to begin with I’ll never know.”

“Oh sweetheart, don’t cry. Tell me all about it.”

“Hello, police? I’d like to report a robbery.”

“I just read the most fascinating book.”

“Do you come here often?”

“And that’s how I saved the duchess from the jaws of a hungry T-Rex.”

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