Daily Archives: November 25, 2016

RIP Florence Henderson

Oh my God, 3.5 readers.

It is a very sad day here for the pop culture fest that is Bookshelf Battle due to the news that Florence Henderson has passed away at the age of 82.

I mean, she lived a full life and got to do great things and lived to an old age but still, she was truly America’s mom.

She played Carol Brady, the mom on the Brady Bunch, then in her post-Brady years, made a career off of cameos where she’d either do something hilariously un-Mrs. Brady-like or would appear as a funny motherly figure or something.

I never heard of some of her other pre-Brady gigs before but the news outlets are reporting she did have a pretty noteworthy Broadway career and spent some time on The Today Show before becoming Alice’s boss.

Oh God, I’m so shaken by this tragic news that I’m going to refrain from asking why did Mrs. Brady need a house keeper if she didn’t have a job.  We all know why. Six kids are a handful and the woman needed assistance. Stop judging, haters.

2016, you dick! How dare you take America’s mom?

Anyway, I’m sure you’ve seen plenty of Brady Bunch clips on the news today, so I’m going to share the Weird Al Yankovic clip where she starred opposite Weird Al in his Amish Paradise video.

What are your favorite Florence Henderson memories, 3.5 readers?

PS thank you the Yeti for letting me out of the cage to write this Florence Henderson report.  It is nice to know that we can put our rivalry aside in dark times like these.

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Movie Review – The Trust (2016)

Hey 3.5 readers. BQB in captivity here. Just sneaking out of my cage and onto the computer while the Yeti takes a nap.

Money! A heist! Lots of Nicolas Cage yelling!

BQB here with a review of The Trust.

I tend to shy away from films that just end up on streaming services without much theater play (I assume this was as I don’t remember it being in the theater) but this one caught my eye so I checked it out.

Believe it or not, millenials, but there was a time when Nicolas Cage was a big box office draw.  The intense eyes, the flaring nostrils, the ability to be serious and/or charming one second only to fly into an intense, scary rage the next…

…eh but now the world just can’t tolerate a leading man with a receding hair line anymore.

And I suppose he has engaged in some wackiness but oh well. That’s neither here nor there.

All I know is you should see The Rock (1996) if you want to see one of the best action films ever made and understand why the dude was a big hit back in the day.

Moving on…

The Trust stars Cage and Elijah Wood as Officers Stone and Waters, two level Las Vegas cops  who learn of a drug operation’s high security vault.

The buddy cops start out slightly bent if not completely crooked but when they learn of this big score, they put their minds to a plan and work it, only to discover what lies inside the vault is nothing what they expected.

Quickly, the level of “trust” the two amigos have long held with one another is shattered and, well, if I tell you much more than there’s no point in streaming it.

I have a hunch the film was written around Cage and Wood, as if they somehow knew they’d like to work together so someone came up with a script.  Both characters seem to have Cage and Wood-like personality traits.  Stone (Cage) is serious and normal one moment, a bundle of rage the next. Wood is a neurotic nerd too crippled by ennui to get his act together.

I mean I’m not saying Wood is crippled by ennui but he has played that type of character before, most recently in that dumb FX sitcom Wilfred where his dog walked around as a human from time to time.

Veteran comedian Jerry Lewis (yup, he’s still alive) has a cameo as Stone’s father, though he doesn’t matter much to the overall movie other than you as the viewer get to go, “Hey, Jerry Lewis is still alive. Good for him.”

It’s low budget and there are some logical leaps but it is interesting to watch the duo plan and carry out their very complex caper.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy. Find it on Netflix.

Hey, this has been BQB and I’m off to my cage now. Don’t tell the Yeti I was here.  Don’t forget to follow me on Twitter @bookshelfbattle if you want to save me from the Yeti’s vile clutches.

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You Will Watch Nothing But C-Span When The Yeti Controls the World

By: The Yeti, International War Criminal/Fuzzy Snow Monster, Self-Appointed Ruler of the Bookshelf Battle Blog

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Hilarious jokes? Wacky and neurotic observations?  Movie reviews?

Bah ha ha ha!  No, you puny 3.5 readers only get C-SPAN.

Today I control the Bookshelf Battle Blog. Tomorrow, I shall control the world.  And I will make the entire planet incredibly boring.  It will be so boring that C-SPAN will be on every channel.

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Ask the Alien – How to Save Bookshelf Battle from the Yeti’s Furry Clutches

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By: Alien Jones, Intergalactic Correspondent

Greetings Earth losers.

Holy bioluminescent space crap.

I walk away from the Thanksgiving table at BQB HQ for a minute to feed the meter next to my space ship and by the time I get back, the damn Yeti has changed the locks and taken over the joint.

Not gonna lie.  This does not bode well for my career, or frankly, my little green life, because as you know, for some strange reason, Bookshelf Q. Battler is the Mighty Potentate’s Chosen One, the one who will allegedly write and publish a novel that is so breathtaking that it will convince all of humanity to give up on reality television.

Personally, I don’t see it. I’ve seen more work ethic in Nyquil addicted sloths than I have seen in BQB, but hey, what the Potentate wants is what the Potentate gets.

And his going to get my vaporized if he happens to check this blog and find out that BQB has been imprisoned and that a damn fuzzy international war criminal hellbent on turning the entire world into a boring place is in charge.

3.5 READERS: How do we save BQB, Alien Jones?

Oh thank the Potentate, 3.5 readers. I’m so glad you asked.

Twitter.

Yetis only love boring things and if this blog starts getting more follows on its companion Twitter page, then that will be just way too stimulating for the Yeti to handle and he will surely bail.

3.5 READERS: Can’t you just vaporize the Yeti?

Really? That’s how it’s going to be? The alien has to do everything?

Bitches, please. Get your asses to Twitter and follow your favorite nerd and save his ass from the Yeti and my ass from the Mighty Potentate…please. Pretty please…with space sugar on top.

BQB’s handle is @bookshelfbattle or you can just go here.

Don’t delay, 3.5 readers, because when it comes right down to it, my safety, er I mean BQB’s safety, is all that matters.

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Welcome to Yetishelf Battle (Or, Bow Down Before Your Furry Overlord, 3.5 Readers)

By: The Yeti, International War Criminal/Fuzzy Snow Monster and New Appointed Ruler of Yetishelf Battle (Formerly Bookshelf Battle)

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Muah ha…muah ha…MUAH HA HA!

Yes, 3.5 readers, it is I, the international war criminal/fuzzy snow monster known as, “The Yeti” and I am now in full control of the Bookshelf Battle Blog.

My plan was foolproof.  I laid in wait until BQB, VGRF, and even the incompetent security chief Bookshelf Q. Battledog were in a deep Thanksgiving food induced coma and then I took control of Bookshelf Q. Battler Headquarters in fabulous East Randomtown.

As you know, yetis love boring things and boring things alone and this foolish blog was far too stimulating.

Sure it has 3.5 readers today, but what if there are 11.7 readers tomorrow and 25.8 readers the day after that? Anarchy and madness, I tell you.

BQB’s awesome movie reviews? DONE!

BQB’s rants and ravings? GONE!

The goofy columnists? Try, my goofy hostages.

Boredom is the name of my game and from now on, this blog will be incredibly boring.

Super boring things that you can expect from this blog from now on:

  • Pictures of cats, but they won’t be doing adorable things. They will be just licking themselves.
  • Reviews of phonebooks printed in 1972.
  • Dramatic readings from dish washer operational manuals.
  • The national budget.
  • Documentaries about feet.

And that’s just the start of it!

You are doomed, 3.5 readers. Doomed, I say! Doomed to be bored forever, for BQB shall never be heard from again!

Is this the end of Bookhelf Q. Battler and the Bookshelf Battle Blog as we know it? Stay tuned…

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BQB Social Media Logo and Cover

If I were to gasp pony up some more dough and get a BQB Facebook/Twitter Cover and Social Media logo, what would it look like?

 

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