By: Douche Shark, the World’s Douchiest Shark
What up, 3.5 bros?
Pound it, bros. Pound my fin. Don’t leave the fin hangin’ bro. Don’t leave it…aw nice there you go.
Check it bros, not much going on since I last checked in and downloaded my details. I’m still dope. I’m still fresh. I’m still the biggest, baddest, toothiest killer fish in the sea and all the sexy, fly ass she-shark hunnies are after me.
“Oh Douche Shark,” the she-sharks say. “We can’t stop touching your fin” to wit I am known to reply, “That’s cool because there’s plenty of Douche Shark fin to go around ladies and I’m not going to be rationing it any time soon.”
But you know what, 3.5 Brosephs? I worry about you all. I worry that you aren’t chilling enough. You’ve got to chill. You’ve got to paint yourself yellow so you can totally mellow, bro. I’m like, super serious right now. Seriously bro. Don’t deny my seriousness.
Here are like, some things or whatever, that I, Douche Shark, like to do when I need to chill:
- Limp Bizkit. You gotta have Limp Bizkit. You just have to. Is it rock? Is it rap? Is it a man who just banged his thumb with a hammer by accident and now he’s screaming in pain? You’re guess is as good as mine, Broheim.
- I like to get my fin frosted. You don’t got a fin, bro? Aww, that’s bullshit bro. You gotta get your hair tips frosted then. Like, just mix in some blonde with some black and you know what your hair should be at least seventeen different colors bro.
- Take and post 900 shirtless selfies of my sweet, rockin’ shark bod. Yeah, all the she-sharks are like, “We aren’t cool with that” but what-evs, brah. If they don’t like it they can swim aside to make room for a she-shark that digs my rockin’ shark abs.
- Catalog my wardrobe that consists entirely of sleeveless shirts and backwards hats. I mean, yeah, a hat isn’t backwards until you put it on your head backwards but don’t complicate the situation, bro. Don’t contradict me bro. I’m all hopped up on shark steroids and shark energy drinks so it puts me in a hella bad mood, bro. FYI dude, you can’t go wrong with a backwards hat and a sleeveless shirt no matter how old you are. Buy a metric shit ton of backwards hats and sleeveless shirts because they will complete your ensemble no matter how old your ass gets.
- Get my ass a sweet spray on tan. I am not a happy douche shark unless I am an orange douche shark. Don’t blame me, bro. The sun doesn’t reach the depths of the ocean where I live. It’s not my fault you don’t know science, guy.
- Talk to peeps on my bluetooth. People are impressed by that shit, let me tell you. When the fish see me with my bluetooth in, they’re all like, “Shit, that is one important douche shark because he can’t put the phone down for a minute and just swim.”
- Ahh dude, you know what else is a good look bro dude guy? I like to wear sunglasses but not over my eyes but on the tippy top of my head. That way, I’m prepared for the sun. The sun could attack at any minute but as long as those sunglasses are on the top of my head, I can just pull them down within seconds bro and then the sun is defeated. I can only chill when I have my top of head sunglasses on.
- I gotta spend at least five hours a day working on my shark car. It’s a piece of shit from 1972 but I like to spend all my duckets on it. Put some solid ass spinning gold rims on it. Get some fuzzy ass dice and a horn that plays Limp Bizkit and tiger skin seat covers and big ass monster truck tires and, what? Yo, eff you, bro. Don’t be coming up here and telling me that for all that scratch I could just buy a brand new car. That’s not how this douche shark rolls, son.
- Pump those guns son. Get your ass to the gym. Work your muscles. Give everyone unsolicited advice and when they aren’t interested then just say something like, “OK, fine, just keep doing it wrong then, bro” then be sure to snap at least a hundred and fifty photos of your gun pumping to throw up on Facebook.
- While I do most of my travel by swimming because I’m a shark, I do from time to time enjoy a good cruise in my sweet ass tricked out 1972 shark ride. When I do, I like to beep the shit out of my horn at the guy in front of me at the exact instant the light turns green. I don’t even wait, bro. Not thirty seconds. Not a minute. Just, “Green…BEEP!” You gotta beep as soon as the light turns green, kid. Otherwise the guy ahead of you won’t know what to do. It’s not my fault people are stupid bro. I blame the public school system and the asbestos and lead paint and whatnot. So many people get stupid just by licking lead paint and asbestos its insane, bro. It really is.
OK 3.5 bros, that’s all the douchy chillaxing advice I’ve got for you as of this moment in time, but if you’re a douche and you’ve got some advice on how to be a douche for all the other douches reading this shit then by all means, share in the comments, bro.
Until next time, I’ll be swimming up to some crunk ass parties uninvited and drinking all the beers, cuz.