World Renowned Motivational Speaker, Anti-Suck Book Author and Bookshelf Battle Blog Columnist, Vinny Baggadouchio
I’m Vinny Baggadouchio and like a giant vacuum cleaner with a stuck “on” switch, I’m sucking all of the suck right out of this sucky world, one sucker at a time.
Perhaps you have read one of my fine anti-suck books:
Six Ways to Suckday
When a Problem Comes Along, You Must Suck It
Suck Less Now…Ask Me How
Have You Ever Tried to Not Suck?
Suck Free in Sixty Days
Sucky Suckers and the Sucky Suckers Who Suck Them
Get the Suck Outta Here!
Don’t Hate the Suck Game, Hate the Suck Player
The Path to a Suck-Free Life
The Super Suck Cure
Help! I Suck!
Sucker Says What?
3.5 readers, let me tell you, the holidays are great but sometimes they can suck…especially for a person who already sucks.
Think about what a person who doesn’t suck is doing this time of year. The non-sucker is putting up twinkly lights with his kids and setting up the Christmas tree. He’s going shopping with his wife, putting on a tacky yet festive, drinking egg nog and singing carols around the fire with family and friends.
Alas, the average sucker does not have such a wonderful life. The average sucker is alone. He’s warming up a six month old TV dinner he found in the back of his freezer and Netflixing a sucky movie that was made specifically for Netflix.
That poor sucker. Due to his sucky life, he has no one to snuggle with,n o kids to give presents to, and few prospects, if any, of turning his life around.
And yes, as that poor, downtrodden sucktastic sucker falls asleep at his computer, his mind drifts off to the promises he made to himself last Christmas. “By Christmas of next year, I won’t suck! I’ll have a wife who doesn’t suck and be on my way to having kids who don’t suck!”
Perhaps the sucker has some extended family he can visit, but a self-aware sucker won’t be happy. He’ll be miserable. No one wants to be the sucker with a pity invitation. Non-suckers throw Christmas parties at their lavish, suck-free homes. Suckers are invited to them so they can sit in the corner and think about all the mistakes they made to lead to the present day where the holidays suck so bad for them.
You know who else has a hard time on Christmas? The sucker who wrote me this letter:
Dear Vinny B,
The holidays sure do suck. My wife divorced me five years ago because I sucked up our marriage by playing hide the turnip with her sister’s best friend’s cousin’s dog-walker’s wife’s sister. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but not so much now.
Christmas used to be a great time for me. I’d grab a cup of coffee, snuggle up with the missus and watch the kids open their toys.
Now I live in a sucky single-bedroom apartment on the corner of Crack and Meth Streets. I owe a ridiculous amount of alimony and child support and my children are being raised by their step-dad/my ex-wife’s former yoga instructor.
Every year, from Thanksgiving until New Year’s Day, I feel like shoving my head in the oven and cooking the suck right out of myself because I just don’t know if I will ever be able to climb the anti-suck hill in order to get back to the kind of suck-less life I used to have.
Big Time Sucker in Jacksonville
Wow. That’s a lot of suck to de-suck and dissect.
You know Big Time, I play it straight. I don’t sugar coat things. I’m not going to suck all over your leg and tell you that your leg doesn’t suck now.
What you did was a sucktabulous thing. There’s no excuse for it. That’s the bad news.
But wait. The good news is that you realize you did a sucky thing. So many suckers just suck their way through life with nary an understanding of why they suck so much.
You, on the other hand, feel suck shame and that means you are a self aware sucker. You are mature enough to know the difference between what sucks and what doesn’t suck and that means there is hope for you.
So the first thing I want you to do is to take a look at yourself in the mirror and forgive the sad, depressed sucker staring back at you. Yes, the sucker staring at you in the mirror sucked up your life. He looked at all the non-sucking goodness you had and like a skunk in heat, squirted it with a thick layer of suck spray.
That really sucks, but it has been five years. The mourning period is over and at this point, there’s no use crying over spilt suck. Once that suck is out of the bag, you can’t contain it. You just have to manage it.
The second thing I want you to do is apologize to your ex-wife. She signed up with a man she thought did not suck and did not get the non-sucker that she wanted. Let her know you’re sorry and you know there’s no fixing the suck you brought into her life, but you want to be a man and be a father to your children.
Third, you’re going to put your foot down on the suck and de-suck your life. Be the non-sucker you used to be again. Getting angry at yourself for past sucky behavior is normal. In a way, it is even healthy. However, at this point, you’ve reached a critical mass where anger, self-hatred and self-loathing will get nowhere.
These negative feelings won’t get your wife back. They won’t get your kids back. If anything, they’ll just keep sucking you down, down, down deeper into the suck pit of your sucky life until one day, you find yourself so deep that you can’t crawl back to the suck-free shore and there isn’t a single non-sucker around who would be willing to throw you a suck-free life line.
Improve and take care of yourself. Curb your sucky habits. Exercise. Eat right. Take care of yourself. Work hard at your career and find some passions that don’t suck in your spare time.
When you get time to spend with your kids, be the best, least sucky father you can be. Be a positive role model and maybe, when they’re old enough, apologize to them. Tell them you’re sorry you sucked things up and want to make sure they don’t repeat your mistakes so they can go on to become productive, non-sucking members of society.
Whether you are Big Time Sucker in Jacksonville, or just one of BQB’s random 3.5 readers, keep this in mind. The holidays are a celebration of joy, happiness and love. They are a time to reflect on the past year’s accomplishments and to plan exciting things for the year ahead.
If you feel none of that this season, it is because your life sucks but remember, you are aware of the suck. You are not ignorant of the suck and realizing that you suck is the first step one must take on the long road to not sucking.
Most importantly, remember how bad you feel this year. Don’t ball those sucky feelings up and bury them deep inside. Let them out with a good cry or a loud scream, then spend the next year doing your damnedest to de-suck your sucky life so that next year at this time, you won’t feel depressed. You won’t feel sad. You will be one of those non-sucking people who puts on a dopey sweater and hugs his family over the holidays.
Rome wasn’t built in a day or a year, so no, you won’t fix your sucky life in a day or most likely, even in a year. But a year is long enough to suck a lot of the suck out of your life and you never know, if you put the work in, there just might be a lady who doesn’t suck in your life next Christmas.
Just don’t suck it up this time, Big Time Sucker.
Until next time, I’m Vinny Baggadouchio, wishing you a Suck Free Christmas and a Happy New Year that Does Not Suck.
Don’t forget to buy my one of my anti-suck books at a book store that does not suck near you.
DISCLAIMER: Mr. Baggadouchio is an expert on nothing and has no credentials of any kind. Nothing he says is to ever be relied upon as advice or taken seriously. Those with sucky problems are advised to seek out real experts who are trained in the arts of de-sucking the lives of total suckers.