Daily Archives: December 20, 2016

Home Alone Wouldn’t Hold Up Today Because of Harry and Marv

Hey 3.5 readers.

Me again with another Home Alone observation.

So, when this movie came out in 1990, the general consensus among the public was that if you were in someone else’s home and you weren’t supposed to be there, then you deserved to get bashed in the face with a paint can, get a nail through your foot, get your head burnt with a blow torch, get a tarantula dropped on you, get shot in the penis with a BB gun, break your back by slipping and falling on ice and toy cars, have your hand burned and so on.

I should know because I was a kid who saw this film in the theater and let me tell you – white, black, young, old, rich, poor, conservative, liberal, or what have you, every one was laughing at those two and the general consensus was those two got what was coming to them and good for Kevin for giving it to them.

Sigh.  I feel bad there is so much division today when in 1990, we all were able to come together and agree that burglers deserve to be tortured mercilessly and caused multiple life threatening injuries by precocious children.

Today?  Eh, people feel sorry for criminals today.  If Hollywood ever remakes the movie, they might either scrap the abuse received by Harry and Mary altogether, or at the very least, they’d devote a portion of the film to explaining how “the Wet Bandits” turned to a life of crime.

You see, in the 1990 film, Harry and Marv were one-dimensional caricatures of criminals, a pair of incompetent bumbling buffoons who found great joy in ripping people off all day.

In a remake, you’d probably learn that Harry and Marv used to be pillars of the community, but alas they lost their jobs, couldn’t find work and ended up burgling houses in order to save up enough money to buy second-hand suits to wear to job interviews.

Kevin would feel bad for misjudging the poor souls.  He’d give them a meal and some of his Dad’s old suits and hide them from the cops and let them live in his basement until they find jobs and become pillars of the community again.

Either that, or Kevin would be sued by greedy trial lawyers for all the damage he did to Harry and Marv.

“Your honor, my clients were just a couple of poor men who fell on hard times and while they are truly sorry for burgling the McAllister home, did they really deserve the brain damage they were caused by taking those paint cans to the face?  I think not.”

Hey, if it is any consolation, this movie started a Joe Pesci-renaissance.  This movie was the first time I ever saw Pesci in anything.  He’d been in a lot of films before but then after Home Alone he pretty much got a part in like every 1990s gangster movie, so there’s some trivia for you.

What say you, 3.5?

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Zom Fu – Chapter 4

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Mei-Ling took a deep breath, stretched out her arms and delicately balanced her feet on the rope. Slowly, she put one foot in front of the other. As she walked, she swayed a bit to the left and a bit to the right, but was always able to correct herself each time.

Meanwhile, Bohai had ended the standoff with Junjie with a bo staff smack to Junjie’s jaw and was springing from bannister to bannister up the tower once more. Junjie remained in hot pursuit all the way to the eighteenth floor.

The Staff of Ages was within Mei-Ling’s grasp now. Her movements became a precarious dance. She kept her left arm straight out as she grabbed hold of the staff. A feeling of pride overwhelmed her, but there was no time to celebrate. Her ears filled with the sounds of fellow students at battle, prompting her to press forward.

“Bahh!” Bohai shouted as he kicked at the bannister. Junjie threw himself in front of the wooden railing and caught his opponent’s foot.

“Step aside,” Bohai said.

“Never,” Junjie replied.

The handsome hero delivered a roundhouse kick that knocked Bohai to the floor. Seeing his opponent on the ground, Junjie did not hesitate to pin Bohai down and deliver a deluge of rapid fire punches to Bohai’s face in rapid secession.

Bohai rolled out of the attack and jumped up to his feet. Both men traded punches.

“Damn you!” Bohai shouted. “Your loins have ruined your brain!”

“Your lust for power has ruined yours,” Junjie replied.

“Get out of my way,” Bohai said.

“Think of what you are doing,” Junjie said.

“I will stop at nothing to get what is mine!” Bohai shouted as he pounded Junjie’s face.

“You’d even kill one of us?” Junjie asked.

Bohai’s eyes lit up as if they were on fire. “I would kill all of you and step over your graves to rule this clan!”

With that, Bohai performed a backflip kick that grounded Junjie.

Out on the tightrope, Mei-Ling was holding the staff straight across in both hands, using it to keep her balance. Her concentration was broken when Junjie screamed.

“Mei-Ling!”
The acrobat didn’t turn around. Her situation was much too precarious for that. Instead, she gripped the staff with her left hand, then leaned down and grabbed the rope with her right.

Crack! Bohai kicked the the bannister into splinters and Mei-Ling plummeted rapidly.

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