Daily Archives: December 9, 2016

Giraffe Sex Song

Hey 3.5 readers. BQB here.

I was filled with dismay to read on CNN that giraffes are in danger of going extinct.

Giraffes are such wonderful creatures that I felt an immediate need to do something.

So, I made some calls to some of the music business peeps I met in my Funky Hunks days and to my delight, I am now going to turn this post over to Barry Yellowspots, the only giraffe in the world capable of singing 1970s Barry White style love ballads.

Barry, take it away.

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BARRY:

Aww, yeah thank you BQB.

:::Cue 1970s love ballad music:::

Do you readers know what time it is?

ALL FEMALE CHORUS:

What time is it?

BARRY:

It’s time to get freaky!

CHORUS:

Oooh, freaky!

BARRY:

It’s time to get nasty!

CHORUS:

Nasty!

BARRY:

It’s time….for giraffes to fuck!

CHROUS:

Start fuckin’ giraffes!

BARRY:

Girl, I see you across the savannah.

It’s like I’m in heaven and you are my manna.

We’re just a couple of spotted sheep-horse creatures.

And everyone knows our long ass necks are our greatest feature.

CHORUS:

Greatest feature!

BARRY:

We’re living proof that Darwin was right!

Because all those short ass little necked giraffes who couldn’t reach the highest leaves on the tree sure as hell ain’t fuckin’ tonight!

CHORUS:

Dead giraffes don’t fuck!

BARRY:

Now girl, no means no and if that’s your answer I’ll take it.

But if you’ve sworn a vow of chastity, please, oh please won’t you break it?

We’re the closest thing the world has to a unicorn.

And once we’re gone, the world will surely mourn.

CHORUS:

The world will mourn!

BARRY:

So girl, let me turn you on with my manly neck muscle flex.

‘Cuz it’s time for us to have…some hot and sweaty giraffe sex.

CHORUS:

Giraffe sex!

BARRY:

Whoa, uh oh Giraffe sex!

CHORUS:

Giraffe sex!

BARRY:

You thought we giraffes were all shit out of luck.

But don’t worry world, cuz we’re totally gonna fuck!

Whoa, uh oh, giraffe sex!

CHORUS:

Giraffe sex!

BARRY:

Girl, don’t you know this is what the world needs?

CHORUS:

The world needs it!

BARRY:

For all of us giraffes to get together and breed!

CHORUS:

Giraffe breeding!

BARRY:

Now girl, just be cool as I get into position.

For giraffes are endangered and I’m on a reproductive mission.

This ain’t about you or me baby it’s about the world.

And all the baby giraffes we’re about to unfurl.

Whoa, uh oh giraffe sex!

CHORUS:

Giraffe sex!

BARRY:

Don’t you know it’s the only way?

A bunch of horny ass giraffes must save the day!

CHORUS:

Save the day!

BARRY:

Damn baby, you wouldn’t know it because I got my neck leaned so far backwards it’s in the next county.

But if you could see my face, you’d see me smiling because of all of that sweet lady giraffe booty bounty.

CHORUS:

Giraffe booty bounty!

BARRY:

Don’t even worry about giraffe fellatio.

I’d have to climb up onto a damn tree just to make that a go.

Oh and girl, don’t even get me started on giraffe cunnilingus.

CHORUS:

Giraffe cunnilingus!

BARRY:

That would require an entire football field between us.

CHORUS:

So much between us!

BARRY:

Whoah, uh oh, giraffe sex!

CHORUS:

Giraffe sex!

BARRY:

Look, I swear this isn’t an elaborate scheme to get all up in that giraffe cooter!

CHORUS:

Giraffe cooter!

BARRY:

Whoa, uh oh, giraffe sex!

CHORUS:

Giraffe sex!

BARRY:

Giraffe extinction is real, just look it up on your giraffe computer!

BQB:  Thank you Barry and thank you 3.5 readers for educating yourselves on the need for giraffes to start fucking.  If you know a giraffe couple, please, I urge you, encourage them to fuck.

Put on a slow jam.  Set the mood lighting.  Pour them some wine and then politely tell them that they shouldn’t wait around for “the perfect giraffe” to come along because, hey, there’s a giraffe right there to fuck.

You know me, 3.5 readers.  I’m all about charity.  I’m against Lightning Infused Toilet Pastry Toilet Death.  I’m a proponent of #OscarSoPretty and now, I’m taking on a new cause…giraffe sex!

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Baby It’s Cold Outside (Politically Correct Millennial Version)

“Baby, It’s Cold Outside.”  It’s the go-to Christmas song whenever male and female celebrities want to cut a Yuletide single.

Good for its time but today, let’s be honest, it’s a tad rapey.

Fear not, for I, BQB, have rewritten it for modern times.  Enjoy!

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:::A couple enjoys a drink by the fireside as snowflakes can be seen coming down through the window:::

WOMAN: I really can’t stay.

MAN: Baby…er, I mean fellow person it’s cold outside.

WOMAN: I’ve got to go away.

MAN:  Fellow person it’s cold outside.

WOMAN:  This evening has been…

MAN:  I had been hoping that you’d drop in, but I say that only in a pleasant, non-threatening manner and with no ulterior motive whatsoever.

WOMAN:…so very nice.

MAN:  Will you sign this form indicating your consent to allow me to hold your hands in order to determine if they are cold as ice?

WOMAN:  My mother will start to worry.

MAN:  Beautiful, uh I mean, person whose looks I did not notice whatsoever because beauty is a social construct of the mind, I’d like to ask what is your hurry though please be aware you are in no way, shape or form required to tell me.

WOMAN:  My father will be pacing the floor.

MAN:  Listen to that fireplace roar.  Perhaps we can sit a spell and talk about how your father is a cog in the patriarchy’s vast anti-female machine.

WOMAN:  So really I’d better scurry.

MAN:  Person, please don’t hurry.  Really, your preferred level of speed is your business.

WOMAN:  Maybe just a half a drink more.

MAN:  Turn on Pandora while I pour.

WOMAN:  The neighbor’s might think.

MAN:  Person, it’s bad out there…and I only say that because I have your safety in mind and not because this is an elaborate rouse to engage in inappropriate activities with you, though I understand why you would suspect me of that because I am a disgusting man.  Please take the bed and I will chain myself in a cage to make sure I don’t succumb to my vile mannish ways.

WOMAN:  Say, what’s in this drink?

MAN:  I don’t know but I got it at the same liquor store Bill Cosby goes to.

WOMAN:  I wish I knew how…

MAN:  Now, I wish to point out that your eyes are like starlight now, but I only say that in an artistic sense and not in a romantic sense because you are not a piece of meat to be ogled.  I am so ashamed of myself.

WOMAN:…to break this spell.

MAN:  I’ll take your hat, not because of some outdated idea of chivalry because I fully understand that you are capable of putting your own hat away, but because I would just appreciate the opportunity to assist you with your hat, though if that isn’t cool, just say the word and I will step away from your hat.  Also, I was thinking about mentioning that your hair looks swell but I won’t because “swell” is another social construct.

WOMAN:  I ought to say, “No, no, no, sir!”

MAN:  Oh no, the patriarchy strikes again!  Person, you are not required to call me “sir” and please, by all means, say no.  Say the word and it is out in the freezing cold blizzard you go.  I’m not even going to ask if you would mind if I were to move in closer.  In fact, I’m going to get a tape measure so I can make sure we are separated by ten feet at all times.

WOMAN:  At least I’m gonna say that I tried.

MAN:  Please, you would not hurt my pride if you left.  Male pride is a social construct.  I wish I could find my pride and rip it out of me to teach the patriarchy a lesson.

WOMAN:  I really can’t stay…

MAN:  Person, you must get out!

BOTH:  Ah, but it’s cold outside!

WOMAN:  The snow is so high I can’t get home!

MAN:  Better that you freeze out there than another man gets his way!

WOMAN:  Say, lend me your coat.

MAN:  Here, now please leave and do not delay!

WOMAN: You’ve really been grand…

MAN:  Men are the worst in this land.

WOMAN:  Why don’t you see?

MAN:  They really should round up and jail everyone with a pee-pee.

WOMAN:  There’s bound to be talk tomorrow.

MAN:  Slut shaming is a source of national sorrow.

WOMAN:  At least there will be plenty implied.

MAN:  I’m going to tell everyone I curled up in the corner and cried.

WOMAN:  I really can’t stay…

MAN:…then you totally shouldn’t!

BOTH:  Ah, but it’s cold outside!

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Ducktales Trailer

Disney XD is coming out with a Ducktales reboot soon.

The trailer doesn’t show much but I’m excited.  I know it is a cartoon but I loved this cartoon as a kid.

We see Uncle Scrooge’s money and we hear Donald’s familiar, “Yeah!” and the iconic theme song.

I worry they may have modernized it.  I hope Huey, Dewey and Louie don’t need a trigger warning before each adventure or something.

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