Daily Archives: December 16, 2016

Zom Fu – Chapter 1

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Although he didn’t look a day over a hundred years of age, legend has it that Yaozu, the Nineteenth Infallible Master of the Clan of the Sacred Yet Inscrutable Tiger Claw, was approaching his one-thousandth year when he called upon his four most impressive disciples to assemble in the Tower of Masters Past.

“Wonderful,” the perpetually well-groomed Bohai said. “Just wonderful. How many more afternoons must we waste listening to that insufferable old fool babble on?”

Junjie brushed one of his long, black locks out of his eyes, then glared at his fellow student. “Show some respect.”

“Me?” Bohai asked as he clutched his chest in an overdramatic effort to feign surprise. “What about my precious time? Where is the master’s respect for that?

At the end of the line stood Niu, a big bald beast of a man who spoke in a booming baritone. “We are where we are meant to be. If we weren’t meant to be here at this very moment, then we wouldn’t be here.”

“Oh spare me your fatalist nonsense,” Bohai said.

“If you are meant to be spared then you will be,” Niu replied.

Bohai sighed. “I’m surrounded by imbeciles.”

Junjie leaned forward and craned his neck to the right, thus allowing himself a brief glimpse of the beautiful young woman standing between Bohai and Niu. Alas, the handsome hero only caught a quick peak at Mei-Ling’s enchanting eyes before his field of vision was blocked by Bohai’s pompous puss.

“Oggling our sister-in arms when we are supposed to be waiting for the master’s wisdom? Tsk, tsk, Junjie. Where is YOUR respect?”

In that moment, Bohai’s smarmy mug looked so punchable, but Junjie knew the master would not approve. So he used his words instead.

“It’s up your ass,” Junjie said.

Bohai’s face contorted with anger. He sputtered. He stammered. His mouth puckered as if it had just tasted a sour lemon. He was about to give Junjie a vigorous tongue lashing when he was interrupted by a gruff, gravelly voice.

“That’s the last place I would expect to find respect.”

The four thoroughly shocked disciples turned around to find the master had been standing behind them for quite some time. They balled their right hands into fists, punched their left hands, then bowed. The master did the same.

The Infallible Master wore a flowing white robe to match his long white hair and beard. He walked slowly with his back hunched over and rested his weight on a finely crafted cane, the length of which was constructed out of shimmering jade. A red ruby at the top served as a grip for the master to hold on to.

“Master,” Bohai said as his face turned crimson. “Why, I was just extolling your virtues but these three refused to hear of it…”

The master grinned and rested a boney hand on Bohai’s shoulder. “It’s all right, my son. I too was once a young man who considered all old men to be fools. Just know that old fools have ears that work better than you might think.”

The old man surveyed his students.

“Junjie,” the master said. “So gallant. So brave. And yet, I sense much self-doubt in you. Why you do not believe in yourself, I do not know, for your skills are formidable.”

“I doubt I have the intelligence to figure out why I am so doubtful,” Junjie replied.

The master flashed Junjie a deadpan glare until the young fighter said, “Oh right.  I’ll work on it.”

The master moved on. “Bohai.”

“Master?”

“No master can lead efficiently if he is surrounded by sycophants who only tell him what he wants to hear,” the master said. “You are a contrarian prick who would argue the sky is orange if I were to say it is blue, but I would not have it any other way.”

“Funny you mention that,” Bohai said as he wagged a finger at the master, “Because as it so happens, there are a few changes I’d like to make around here…”

“Not now, assface,” the master said as he moved on.

The master gazed at the most alluring member of the quartet. “Darling Mei-Ling. Your beauty and grace are matched only by your determination.”

Mei-Ling nodded.

“I can only imagine what horrors you saw as a child when Dragonhand destroyed your village.”

Mei-Ling nodded again.

“But it is my hope that one day you may learn to live with a past that cannot be undone, for only then will you feel comfortable enough to speak again.”

Mei-Ling frowned.

“Find your voice,” the master said as he gripped Mei-Ling’s shoulder. “For I know you have much to say and the world will benefit greatly to hear it.”

Mei-Ling smiled sheepishly.

The master stood before the fourth disciple. “Niu. You are big as an ox and twice as loyal.”

“If that is what I am, then that is what I am,” Niu replied.

“Yes,” the master said. “And while I applaud your ability to accept the twists and turns that fate inevitably throws our way, I hope in time you will realize that fate merely sets up the words on a page. How we arrange those words is up to us.”

“If I am to figure that out then I will, master,” Niu said.

The master took a step back and looked at the entire group.

“Like all of this clan’s disciples since time immemorial, the four of you were brought to this sanctuary as orphans. Some of you were unwanted and unloved. Others were wanted and very much loved by parents who left this world too soon. Time is as fast as a leopard and twice as cunning, for sooner or later, it sneaks up on everyone, even your master. I recall when you were all mere babes and now you stand before me, having learned all I am able to teach you.”

The master’s face turned grave. His eyes looked weary.

“And though I have been blessed with an entire millennium,” the master said as he tapped the end of his staff on the floor. “I have learned that my fire will soon grow dim and burn out.”

A single tear rolled down Junjie’s cheek. “Master, what are you saying?”

The master took his hand off the top of his staff, gripped it by the mid-section, and raised it high into the air. In doing so, the group was fascinated to see that the ruby was glowing bright red.

“The Staff of Ages has indicated to me that the time to select the Twentieth Master of the Clan of the Sacred Yet Inscrutable Tiger Claw has come.”

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Introducing Zom Fu

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Yes, I know I have a ridiculous amount of irons in the fire aka half finished stories.

Yes, I know I should stop doing that.

I love kung fu movies.  I love zombies.  I was inspired.  I will most definitely finish and publish everything I have started, but I think my first novel really needs to be “clean” or as clean (clean as in not dirty) and this is as clean as I get.

So behold, Zom Fu, a send up of cheesy kung fu movie tropes and also, zombies.

My thought is perhaps over the next year or so I can release a Zom Fu novel, then a Zombie Western and go back and forth.

I know.  I’m all over the place.  I’m sorry.  Let me know what you think.

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Who Was Mommy Kissing in the “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” Song?

3.5 readers, drop everything you are doing.  Seriously, I don’t care if you’re in the middle of brain surgery, either performing it or having it performed on you.

Today, we are, once and for all, going to figure out who Mommy was kissing in the song, “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.”

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The year was 1952.  The baby boomers were booming and everyone liked Ike.  Sock hops and malt shoppes were frequented by youngsters and every woman’s middle name was “Sue.”  Becky Sue.  Peggy Sue.  Annie Sue.  You get the picture.

A young lad by the name of Jimmy Boyd records a song written by Tommie Connor.  The song is a hit and an instant Christmas classic.  It is unlikely you’ll get through the holiday season without hearing it at least one time.

But forget all that.  Is Mommy having an affair with Kris Kringle?

I’ve got to know.

The lyrics:

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus
Underneath the mistletoe last night
She didn’t see me creep
Down the stairs to have a peep
She thought that I was tucked up
In my bedroom, fast asleep
Then I saw mommy tickle Santa Claus
Underneath his beard so snowy white
Oh, what a laugh it would have been
If Daddy had only seen
Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night.

POSSIBLE THEORIES:

#1 – Mommy Kissed the Kid’s Father, Who Was Dressed Like Santa Claus

Once in awhile a father will go the extra mile and don a Santa suit to surprise his stupid little children.  So perhaps this kiss was innocent.  Perhaps Mommy was kissing Daddy.

EVIDENCE:

  • “Then I saw Mommy tickle Santa Claus, underneath his beard so snowy white.”

Hmm…inconclusive.  Maybe it was a fake white beard and Mommy tossed it up to give Daddy the old tickle action.  Or then again, one would have to move Santa’s beard in order to tickle his belly.  Who knows?

  • “Oh, what a laugh it would have been if Daddy had only seen Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night.”

This line is typically cited as evidence that that Daddy was just dressed up like Santa.  The songwriter may be trying to give the listener a clue where the listener goes, “Oh OK this was just a stupid kid who saw something he didn’t understand and then basically accused his mother of being a whore under false pretenses.”

Personally, I can buy this, but I would like to know whether the husband was known to work late or be out late and whether or not the couple was having problems.

Were other holiday icons known to frequent the house late at night?  Did the kid ever see his mother kissing the Easter Bunny or engage in lesbian kissing with the Tooth Fairy?

The song just doesn’t give me enough info.

#2 – Mommy Cheated on Daddy With Santa

So, the kid is pretty convinced this is Santa.  Kids are stupid.  I can’t condemn Mommy just on the word of a little kid.  Yet, it is noteworthy that the kid does seem pretty sure. Yet, due to his youthfulness, he doesn’t appear to understand the gravity of the situation.

“Oh what a laugh it would have been if Daddy had only seen Mommy kissing Santa Clause last night.”

Ahh.  So sad.  The words of a little mush brained child who doesn’t understand how the world works.  No, Daddy would not have laughed to learn that his wife was unfaithful.

I’d like to know if the kid told Daddy about this.  If Daddy laughed then, ok.  Daddy’s in on the joke.  Daddy dressed up like Santa and he laughs because the kid didn’t realize what was going on.

If Daddy doesn’t laugh upon being told this information, then he’ll surely question Mommy as to who she was kissing.

#3 – Mommy Was Kissing a Random Obese Bearded Man (Or, Mommy Might Be a Biker Bitch)

The kid doesn’t say he saw a red suit or any reindeer.  Sure, a long white beard and a fat stomach is Santa’s signature look, but it is also the look of your average, run-of-the mill, unfriendly neighborhood motorcycle gang.

Do we know for sure that while Daddy is out working to support the family, Mommy isn’t making out with random bikers who look like Santa in exchange for her meth fix?

I’m not saying this is happening, but I’d like to know more.

#4 – Mommy and Daddy Were Role Playing

Daddy dressed up as Santa, not to spread holiday cheer, but because Mommy and Daddy are perverts who work costumes into their perversions.  Today Daddy dresses up like Santa and asks Mommy to sit on his lap.  Tomorrow Mommy dresses up like an Amazon warrior princess and gives Daddy a spanking.

Huh.  Now I know why the 1953 sequel, “I Saw Daddy Getting a Spanking From an Amazonian Warrior Princess” was a total flop.

#5 – The Kid’s a Liar

Maybe he’s just a little turd that was naughty so Mommy sent him to bed without supper and so the kid got his revenge by recording a hot track in which he falsely accuses his mother of infidelity.

#6 – Daddy’s a Cuckold

Daddy knows Mommy kisses Santa Claus.  Daddy likes to hide in the closet and watch.

#7 – The Kid Dreamed It

Maybe the kid isn’t a liar per se but maybe he has a wild imagination.  Maybe he ate too many cookies before bedtime and the sugar rotted his brain.

#8 – Mommy Kissed a Bearded Woman

I’d have to know if the circus was in town at the time to be sure, but Mommy may very well have been kissing a portly bearded woman.

#9 – Daddy Looks Like Santa Claus

Maybe Daddy is also fat and has a white beard.  Maybe this is an older couple who had kids late in life or maybe Daddy is like Trump and Mommy is like Melania where you have a couple with a large age difference.

And finally…

#10 – Mommy is Straight Up Kissing Santa Claus Behind Daddy’s Back

Maybe Mommy’s a shameless floozy.  Maybe Daddy is a jerk and has been denying Mommy his affections so Mommy sought comfort elsewhere in the form of an obese, bearded holiday icon.  Perhaps Daddy has been giving it to Mrs. Claus on the regular so Santa and Mommy conspired to seek revenge and this is the best they came up with.

All I know is the kid seems pretty sure about what he saw.  That’s all I’m saying.

Who was Mommy kissing in the “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” song 3.5 readers?

Discuss in the comments!

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