Good Day, 3.5 readers.
Lead Counsel for Mr. Battler, Delilah K. Donnelly here.
It is my unfortunate duty to inform all 3.5 of you that Mr. Battler and his longtime girlfriend, one Miss Video Game Rack Fighter, have split up over irreconcilable differences.
Although terrible news, this normally would not be a matter of legal concern. However, as it turns out, Ms. Fighter was an incredible legal researcher and was able to convince a court of law that by virtue of East Randomtownian Law, she and Mr. Battler had established a common law marriage by living together in sin for so long.
After an intense, seventy-eight hour negotiation session, a divorce agreement was reached and the property of the Bookshelf Battle Blog shall be divided as follows:
- BQB HQ – Goes entirely to Ms. Fighter in recognition of the two years she lived there, even though Mr. Battler lived his entire life there and it was gifted to him by his beloved Aunt Gertie.
- The Magic Bookshelf – Goes to Mr. Battler as Ms. Fighter views it and the characters who live it as little more than a nuisance.
- Ms. Fighter’s Video Game Rack – Entirely to Ms. Fighter, though Mr. Battler may borrow her copy of Car Thief Mayhem once a month but only if she is not playing it.
- Mr. Battler’s Action Figure Collection – Entirely to Ms. Fighter, not because it has any monetary value but because Mr. Battler believes that he will not be able to attract anyone with a vagina if he retains it.
- Mr. Battler’s Collection of Used Whoopie Cushions and Rubber Chickens – To Mr. Battler in an effort by Ms. Fighter to show that she is not a total monster.
- Mr. Battler’s Vintage 1990s Pornographic Magazine Collection – Sold at public auction and distributed evenly between the parties. Now the property of ex-mayoral candidate Leo McKoy, who has been known to enjoy photos of half-naked women wearing nothing but flannel lumberjack shirts and hair-dos reminiscent of Rachel from Friends. Mr. McKoy’s only public comment on the matter was, “I’ll be there for you…ugh.”
- Alimony – Ms. Fighter retains the right to garnish 99.99% of Mr. Battler’s earnings as an assistant to the assistant of the vice-president for corporate assistance at Beige Corp., the world’s premiere producer of beige products and accessories.
- Bookshelf Q. Battledog – Full legal custody with Ms. Fighter. Court supervised visits for Mr. Battler every third leap year.
- The Yeti – Full legal and physical custody to Mr. Battler. Ms. Fighter will be within her rights to sue for mental pain and suffering if Yeti visitations are attempted.
- Alien Jones – Retains his position as Mr. Battler’s intergalactic advisor. Will continue to nag Mr. Battler until he writes a novel that inspires the masses to abandon reality television so that the Mighty Potentate will not conquer the planet.
- Dr. Hugo Von Science, Uncle Hardass, Vinny Baggadouchio, Search Engine Optimized Poet, Nerdstradamus and Other Assorted Bookshelf Battle Blog Columnists – Will now be employees of Ms. Fighter.
- The Bookshelf Battle Blog – Full ownership goes to Ms. Fighter. Mr. Battler will no longer be allowed to post on penalty of being shot into the sun via a high velocity cannon. Ms. Fighter will be able to post whatever she wants.
- Mr. Battler’s 3.5 Readers – Now the property of Ms. Fighter. They are not allowed to read anything written by Mr. Battler under court order.
This is indeed a horrendous development, 3.5 readers. Mr. Battler did so enjoy posting for your enjoyment, and even when you did not enjoy it, which by my understanding was most of the time.
I understand that you know me as one of the finest attorneys in the land and therefore you may wonder how Ms. Fighter was able to reach such a one-sided settlement. All I can say is, she started high and sold low. The alternative to this agreement was that Mr. Battler would have been required to slam his genitalia in a steel loading dock door from now until the end of his life and record every slam and post the footage on YouTube.
All things considered, I’d say Mr. Battler got off easy.
As for Detective Dashing and myself, Ms. Battler has issued no decrees as to whether or not she will utilize our services at this time. As far as I am concerned, I shall remain Mr. Battler’s attorney until further notice and will continue to advise him as he begins his new life in the roach infested Random Motel, East Randomtown’s premiere pay-by-the-hour lodging resort.
Mr. Battler thanks you for being his 3.5 readers and asks that you do not weep for him, for, as he bravely put it, “It was better to have had 3.5 readers and lost them than to never have had 3.5 readers at all. Also, Video Game Rack Fighter Sucks Yeti Butt.”
His words, not mine. I do not say such vulgarities.
Enjoy the rest of your day, 3.5 readers.