Hey 3.5 readers.
Ahh, Valentine’s Day. That day of the year where couples celebrate their love, and single people wallow in their misery.
Have you got no sweetie to canoodle with on this February 14? No worries. From BQB HQ, now VGRF HQ, in fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Things You Can Do on Valentine’s Day If You Are Single:
#10 – Cry
It’s natural. It’s healthy. It pushes toxins out of your system. Have a ball while having a ball. Personally, I won’t cry over…<sniff sniff> that loser BQB…<sniff>.
#9 – Hug Your Cat
Video Game Rack Fighter Cat is my fluffy valentine. If you don’t have a fluffy valentine, maybe there’s one at the pound who would love to be yours.
#8 – Eat Lots of Ice Cream
Preferably, with the cat under one arm and the spoon in the other hand thus to maximize the total possible amounts of cat snuggling and scooping of ice cream into face hole.
#7 – Fart Freely
You’re single. You have no one to offend. Let ’em rip.
#6 – Foil a Super Villain’s Plot to Take Over the World
There’s always a super villain up to no good somewhere. Also, not gonna lie, foiling a super villain is a great story to tell on a date. You’ll definitely have a valentine next year if you foil a super villain’s plot. Then again, I have foiled several super villain plots and I am dateless this year. Harrumph.
#5 – Drunk Dial Exes
Pretend to be a telemarketer just so they’ll talk to you again. Or just be quiet and listen to them breathe. Better yet, load up Lionel Ritchie’s Hello and press play when your ex answers.
Nothing convinces an ex that they goofed up big time by letting you get away than calling them a bunch of times and having Lionel sing, “Hello…is it me you’re looking for?”
Oh wait. They weren’t looking for you. That’s why they are exes. Scratch this plan. Don’t call your exes. You are better than this.
#4 – Invent a Fake Valentine
Send yourself roses and chocolates at work. Sign the card from “A Secret Admirer” or pick a swarthy name like, “Ricardo Montalban.” Just make sure no one in the office is a fan of Fantasy Island.
You’ll know the swag is from you, but your office co-workers will at least assume someone wants a piece of what you’ve got. Enjoy the compliments all day. Eat the chocolate and cry all night.
#3 – Declare Yourself a Jehovah’s Witness for a Day
All holidays stink because the only one we should be celebrating is Jesus. Why are you idiots celebrating Valentine’s Day when you are too stupid to concentrate on a love related holiday and remember to love Jesus at the same time? Bunch of dummies.
Renounce your new faith on February 15 or what the heck, you could hold onto it until St. Patrick’s Day if you prefer.
#2 – Build a Sex Robot
I took a tour of BQB’s super secret science workshop and between you and me, he has tried to make a whole ton of sex robots. None of them work though. They’re hot robot babes, but all they want to do is wash your hair and give you a pedicure. BQB is the worst robot programmer ever.
#1 – Go to that Place Where That Person Said They’d Meet You
Remember when your old flame said, “If neither of us have found anyone in X number of years, then meet me at such and such monument or famous public place.”
Have X number of years passed yet? Better get over to that place then. Then again, you could just punish that dirtbag for not being with you when he had the chance and stand him up while you watch TV and snuggle with your cat and ice cream carton.
Are you a single person? No, seriously, you probably are if you are reading this blog, but you know, I didn’t want to just insult you by automatically assuming. If you are sans date this year, how will you spend this holiday?