Toilet Gator – Chapter 94

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It was sheer chaos at the Sitwell Park Mall. Soldiers scrambled to secure the area as looters ran out of stores carrying boxes, gadgets, gizmos, merchandise and food in their arms.

“You’d think people would just stay home at a time like this,” Sharon said.

“Oh,” Cole said. “You know how it is. Every time there’s a hurricane, a bunch of assholes run around screaming…”

“…I need my bread and milk!” an old lady hollered as she pushed a cart full of food out of the mall’s Price Town store. “I’ll die without my bread and milk!”

“Everyone always thinks they’re going to die in a storm if they aren’t stocked up on bread and milk,” Cole explained.

A random soldier barked orders into a megaphone. “People, please disperse! Vacate the mall immediately!”

“Cole,” Rusty said. “Look at this place. It’s a powder keg ready to go off.”

A homeless man ran out of an electronics store with a flat screen TV. “The end times are upon us! If the hurricane doesn’t get us, the toilet gator will! Repent, sinners! Repent!”

“Hate to say it but Rusty’s right,” Sharon said. “Is now really the best time to go to war with a half-ton eating machine?”

Cole turned his baseball cap around backwards. “It’s now or never baby.”

Rusty shook his head.

“What?” Cole asked.

“Even I know better than to wear a backwards hat after forty,” Rusty said.

Cole had borrowed Rusty’s breakaway pants, and the weather proof fabric made a “swish, swish” sound as Cole walked.

“I can’t believe you used to wear this,” Cole said. “Did it ever get you any action?”

“You’d be surprised,” Rusty said.

The trio stopped right in front of the cherry red Yarikazi Diablo, the one still on display courtesy of the late Mayor Beaumont Dufresne’s Slightly Used Car Emporium. V8 engine, maximum horsepower, capable of accelerating from zero to sixty in ten seconds, anti-lock breaks, automatic transmission…it was fully loaded, not to mention, incredibly shiny.

“It’s a damn shame what’s about to happen to this car,” Rusty said.

“I’ll try to get it back in one piece,” Sharon said.

“Women drivers, no survivors,” Rusty said.

“Bite me,” Sharon replied.

Cole opened up a duffel bag and pulled out a long metal slim jim. He passed it to his ex-wife, then pulled out a rope and clipped one end to his belt. Oddly, the belt was secured around his naked waist, since the breakaway pants didn’t have any loops.

The soldier spotted the trio from across the mall and shouted into his megaphone. “You three! Whatever you’re doing, stop it immediately and leave! That’s an order!”

Cole didn’t have a megaphone, so he shouted as loudly as possible. “It’s ok! We’re cops, here to kill the toilet gator!”

Unfortunately, Cole’s voice barely traveled to the solider’s ear, what with all the commotion going on. “What?!”

Cole held his hands up to the sides of his mouth, forming a cone shape to yell into. “I said, ‘We’re cops, here to kill the toilet gator!’”

The soldier was about to approach when he spotted two women fighting over a pair of high heels.

“They’re mine, bitch!” the first woman cried.

“They’re too small for your fat feet, ho-bag!” the second woman shouted. “They’re mine!”

The soldier ran over to break up the fight, giving the trio the time they needed to complete their car heist. The doors unlocked and Sharon pulled the jimmy stick out from the thin slot between the window and the door.

“Since when do you know how to do that?” Cole asked as he handed the other end of the rope to Rusty.

Sharon poked her hand underneath the steering wheel and pulled out a series of wires, all in an effort to hot wire the car. She used a small blade to splice a few wires together and within seconds the Diablo’s engine began to hum.

“Whoa nelly,” Rusty said. “Listen to that tiger growl.”

Sharon sat up in the driver’s seat and looked up at Cole. “You learn a few things in the FBI.”

“Apparently,” Cole said.

Cole leaned down and shared a kiss with his love. Rusty gagged. “Cough, cough, pussy! Cough, Cough.”

“Whatever,” Cole said. He rested his hands on Rusty’s shoulders and looked the redhead in the eyes. “You’re my best friend, Rusty. I mean that.”

Rusty held back the tears. “Cole, if I could, I’d really like to snuggle you for a moment.”

Cole backed away. “Not on your life.”

The former police chief picked up his end of the room and walked towards the men’s restroom. He turned one last time to catch a glimpse of Sharon, then looked at Rusty. “Keep her safe.”

Although Rusty wasn’t in the military, a powerful feeling of emotion came over him, causing him to salute Cole. “Will do, boss. Will do.”

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