“Take five, Igor.”
The hunchback removed his tiny hands from Dirk’s head. “Will do, sir.”
Dirk found him face to face with a dazzling brunette. She was wrapped tighter than a tick engorged with blood under a form fitting red dress and bow howdy, was Dirk ever warm for her form.
The lady put on her dainty hand. “Good evening, Mister…”
Dirk took the lady’s hand and smooched it. “Smegma. Dirk Smegma.”
“Smegma,” the lady said. “Excuse me, but isn’t that the name of the cheese like substance that sometimes builds up in an uncircumcised man’s…”
“Indeed,” Dirk said. “But I come from a long line of Smegmas, and I’m not about to change it now.”
“How very interesting,” the lady said. “I do appreciate a man who is loyal to his family.”
“My last name hasn’t slowed me down any,” Dirk said. “Why, with looks like mine, sometimes I think God just gave me the last name of ‘Smegma’ just to keep me from impregnating every last female on earth.”
The lady’s eyes widened. “My goodness, Mr. Smegma. You certainly are full of yourself.”
Dirk sipped on his rum and generic cola. “Yes, my dear, and perhaps you can be full of me later.”
Dirk and the woman laughed and laughed.
“Oh, but where are my manners?” Dirk asked. “What is your name, my dear?”
“Snatchatova,” the lady replied. “Natalya Snatchatova.”
“Of the St. Petersburg Snatchatovas?” Dirk inquired.
“The same,” Natalya answered.
“My word,” Dirk said. “In that case, the next round is on you, because rumor has it your family is loaded.”
“That is not a rumor, Mr. Smegma,” Natalya said. “My father is a very rich man, having built a fortune off of baby seal clubbing, dolphin clubbing, manatee clubbing…”
“I’ve heard he’s making inroads into puppy clubbing,” Dirk said.
“Yes,” Natalya said. “Naturally, when it comes to the clubbing of adorable creatures, one must diversify.”
“Naturally,” Dirk said.
“You drink rum and generic cola?” Natalya asked.
Dirk sipped through his crazy straw. “I like the way the bubbles tickle my nose.”
“I see,” Natalya said. “Perhaps something else will be tickling your nose tonight.”
Dirk laughed as he stared into Natalya’s big, brown eyes.
“Just to clarify, we’re talking about your vagina, right?” Dirk asked.
“Yes, Mr. Smegma,” Natalya said.
“Cool,” Dirk said. “Coolitty cool, cool, cool. Coolsville. Just wanted to be sure.”
“You know, Mr. Smegma,” Natalya said. “The life of a wealthy woman is not easy.”
“It isn’t?” Dirk asked.
“No,” Natalya said. “For, you see, I am used to getting whatever I want and tonight…”
Natalya ran her fingers up Dirk’s arm as she leaned her and whispered into her new friend’s ear. “…I want you.”
Dirk straightened his bow tie. “I think that can be arranged.”
Inside Dirk’s ear, there was a small communications device. “Dirk,” came the voice of an American woman. “Dirk, are you there? Come in, over.”
Dirk ignored the voice and offered Natalya his arm. “Shall we retreat to somewhere private for the purposes of dancing the horizontal mambo?”
Natalya took Dirk’s arm. “My dear Mr. Smegma. I thought you would never asked.”
The American woman’s voice was in Dirk’s ear again. “Dirk, don’t even think about knocking boots with that Russian skank. She sounds unclean. Come on, man, focus on the mission.”
Bookshelf Battle 