Bookshelf Battle

Holy crap, 3.5 readers.  Look at that crazy eyed, buck toothed mother fucker.

As you are all aware, I am a great philanthropist, a lover of all peoples and above all else, a tireless advocate for the civil rights of the incredibly ugly.  We didn’t choose to look like Plymouth Rock landed on our faces.  We were born looking like Plymouth Rock landed on our faces.

I love Willem Dafoe but seriously, the man looks like a giant greasy dump that grew a pair of ridiculous, incredibly haunting googly eyes.  Further, he’s got a set of teeth that look like they were designed  by MC Escher.

But did that stop our hideous hero?  No.  Despite the fact that he was born looking like the stuff of children’s nightmares, he headed off to Hollywood as a young man, a move I can only assume was met with derision by friends and family who told him he was way too ugly.

Yes, if you’re as ugly as Willem Dafoe the best you can hope for is a job as a bus station janitor, but this man refused that destiny and found box office success, starring in such critically acclaimed films as “Platoon” and “Born on the Fourth of July,” blockbusters like “Spider-Man” (so ugly he played a goblin) and he even played Jesus Christ in “The Last Temptation of Christ.”

Seriously.  Imagine how good an actor you have to be when you are so ugly that it’s possible the entire Christian faith may be offended by an ugly man playing their savior but then didn’t get mad because Dafoe was such a good actor.

Dafoe has been nominated twice for Best Supporting Actor – 1987’s “Platoon” and 2001’s “Shadow of the Vampire.”

Let me ask you this, 3.5 readers.  Why is it that Willem Dafoe was such a staple for big time movies for so long and yet has never been recognized with Oscar gold?  Why are so many young actors awarded before this longtime thespian?

Simple.  Ugly bias.

Willem Dafoe is super ugly, but he dared to become an actor and yes he often plays deeply scary, sphincter tightening roles but he’s proven his chops and branched out into other roles, sometimes even taking heroic turns.

In “Florida Project” Willem plays an ugly motel manager who is like the de facto father figure for the impoverished residents of a slum motel.  As a ugly American myself, it would bring me such great joy to see a fellow ugly man to take home the gold and not for playing a villain (typical staple of ugly actors) but for playing a positive role model.

Yes, if Willem wins it will be a boon to ugly people all over the world.  So many ugly boys and girls will feel free to take the paper bags off their little heads and believe in themselves for the first time ever.

3.5 readers, whether you are good looking or ugly (and let’s face it, if you’re good looking and you’re reading this blog then give me your looks because you’re doing it wrong), please join me in promoting the #OscarsSoPretty hashtag and also tweet your support for Willem Dafoe.

Maybe, just maybe, ugly Americans can rest a little easier knowing their contributions to the world are recognized.