My Fingernail is About to Fall Off

Hey 3.5 readers.

This is some serious shit.

Two months ago, I slammed my left middle finger in a door because…well, I blame everyone but me, as I do with all of my problems.  Some say it’s a sign of low moral character to blame others for your own mistakes but if you ask me, the people who say that are to blame for everything.

But I digress.

For two months, I’ve been walking around with a left middle fingernail that was blacker than the darkest night on the wrong side of the moon.

I figured this problem would heal itself, like a bruise that eventually goes away.

But it was more than that, blood trapped under the fingernail, you see.

And so, last week I noticed the nail was beginning the bulge, like it was expanding a bit.

This week, I notice it’s getting a bit crusty, and there’s a hole between the nail and the part where the skin meets the nail at the bottom.

And some crusty blood has come out around the edges.

So, I broke down and saw a doctor, which I hate to do, because frankly, I believe all doctors are secretly trying to declare me dead over the slightest malady in order to harvest my organs.

“What?  This man has a black fingernail?  Knock him on the head with a mallet and donate his penis to science immediately!”

Damn penis scientists always trying to research my penis.

Anyway, the doctor said the nail is going to fall off.  She said a new nail would grow in.  I’m a little nervous about that, but I will take this doctor’s word and hope and pray for the best.

In the meantime, I’m concerned for the fate of this fine blog.  Soon, I will have to bandage the finger, keep it sanitary, soak it in anti-bacterial ointments and use it sparingly.  That could affect my tying, so I worry about the future of this fine blog and also, Toilet Gator, which I am in the last stages of completing the second draft.

Further, I worry about my ability to scratch my butt…by that, I mean, my butthole.  Oh my God.  It gets so itchy up there.  Like, unbelievably itchy.  And I have to go spelunking up there and well, I won’t be able to use my left hand and honestly, the right hand is probably out because what if I use my right hand and then I touch my left hand?

Ugh.  If any of you want to volunteer to be a butt scratched for say, the next 4 months until a new nail grows in, I’d appreciate it.  It’s the least you could do since I do so much to entertain you, but that’s OK, I understand if you don’t want to help, you lousy ingrates.

Please pray for me, pray that my new nail will be hearty, strong, and impressive to the ladies and that there are no complications that lead me to being a nail-less freak or that cause me to declared dead so that my penis can be experimented on by mad penis scientists.

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7 thoughts on “My Fingernail is About to Fall Off

  1. Liz Charnes says:

    Having survived the trauma of losing a nail, I assure you, it will all be fine. *passes over plate of cookies* Have a cookie.

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