Author Archives: bookshelfbattle

Jun 14 2015
4 Comments
BQB and the Meaning of Life

BREAKING NEWS: Bookshelf Q. Battler’s Real Name Revealed!

Bookshelf Q. Battler's real name is Eduardo Ricardo Papageorgio Von Finklestein. Don't tell his enemies.

Bookshelf Q. Battler’s real name is Eduardo Ricardo Papageorgio Von Finklestein. Don’t tell his enemies.

EAST RANDOMTOWN, USA – Bookshelf Q. Battler’s 3.5 readers are plotzing like there’s no tomorrow over a major reveal on the Bookshelf Battle Blog, the real name of our illustrious blog host – Eduardo Ricardo Papageorgio Von Finklestein.

“It wasn’t that big a reveal to me,” said Aunt Gertie, one of the 3.5.  “I’ve known my little Eduardo since I was changing his stinky diapers but if he prefers being referred to as Bookshelf Q. Battler, then who am I to argue?”

Alien Jones, a space traveler from a far away galaxy assigned by his ruler, the Mighty Potentate, to aid Bookshelf Q. Battler in his efforts to get a writing career off the ground in any way possible, said, “Well, that’s just ridiculous.  There’s no possible friggin’ way that I’m going to be able to get people to read a book written by a guy named, ‘Eduardo Ricardo Papageorgio Von Finklestein.'”

When asked if that comment meant he that he was in disagreement with the Mighty Potentate, who has steadfastly maintained that BQB’s fabulous writing skills are the only thing keeping a new age of entertainment where reality television dominates over scripted media from sweeping across the universe, the Esteemed Brainy one replied, “Foolish Earth Loser!  That was just a joke!  Of course I concur with the wisdom of the Mightiest of Potentates, may his exuberance be known throughout the cosmos.  Eduardo Ricardo Papasomething or other…yes.  That’s a fine name.”

What are the chances of a man named Eduardo Ricardo Papageorgio Von Finklestein being published?  This reporter consulted with none other than Beatrix Carmoody of Carmoody and Associates Literary Agency.

“Look,” Ms. Carmoody said.  “I don’t care if the guy’s written a book that makes Shakespeare look like a circus monkey, with all the intrigue of Game of Thrones and all the epic wonder of Star Wars and Harry Potter combined.  If it’s got, “Eduardo Ricardo Papageorgio Von Finklestein” on the cover, then there’s no way anyone is buying that shit.”

Alien Jones was notified of this information.

Alien Jones in a rare display of emotion upon realizing his job just got 1,000 times harder.

Alien Jones in a rare display of emotion upon realizing his job just got 1,000 times harder.

“Ahh,”  said Mr. Jones.  “Well, I’ve read BQB’s work toward a novel and so far all he’s done is write out the lyrics to Baby’s Got Back a hundred times.  Oh and once in awhile he’ll type out, ‘I have no idea what to say so I’m going to go get a donut.’  He has about fifty pages of that.  Sooo, Shakespeare plus Star Wars plus Harry Potter and he still doesn’t have a chance because of his name?”

Alien Jones then excused himself and banged his head against a wall for fifteen minutes straight.  Upon his return, he stated to this reporter, “It’s no big deal.  If the Mighty Potentate says that BQB is the chosen one then who am I to argue with his Fabulous Potentositude? And I’m saying that because I truly believe in my mission and not out of an intense fear that the Mighty Potentate might vaporize me for disagreeing, as he has done with so, so many others.  All hail the Mighty Potentate.”

Bookshelf Q. Battledog, Head of Security for the Bookshelf Battle Compound, provided this insightful comment:

Woof.

Woof indeed, BQBD.  Woof indeed.  That says it all, doesn’t it?  But as Head of Security, is this cunning canine worried that his boss’s true moniker is out in the open?

Woof woof.

As always, a stoic security professional of few words.

One hundred pounds of badass in a five pound bag.

One hundred pounds of badass in a five pound bag.

What’s the significance of this big reveal?  This reporter went straight to the source.

“It’s not that big a deal,”  Bookshelf Q. Battler said.  “Sure, I comprised the security of the Bookshelf Battle Compound but, you know, it was for a hot nerd chick so whatever.  It’s not like anyone really reads this thing and I’m sure my 3.5 readers will be cool.  Things shouldn’t change at all and people should continue to call me by my codename, Bookshelf Q. Battler.  My real name can’t fall into the hands of my arch nemesis, the Yeti.”

The Yeti was unavailable for comment, as he was too busy being trained by Fit Nerd as part of a new series, Fit Nerd Trains the Yeti.

Stupid Yeti

Stupid Yeti

3.5 readers are directed to not share BQB’s real name with anyone, especially any smelly yetis they may encounter.

“So I shouldn’t have told everyone at the bingo hall?”  Aunt Gertie asked.

No comment, Gertie.  No comment.

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Jun 14 2015
2 Comments
BQB and the Meaning of Life

BQB and the Meaning of Life – Part 15 – BQB’s Real Name

PREVIOUSLY ON BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER AND THE MEANING OF LIFE

BQB dies.  Lives.  He must search for the meaning of life.

Read Parts 1-5

BQB and his bookshelf characters talk.  Holmes and Watson want to help.

Read Parts 6-13

BQB flies Air Third World on a mission to visit the war torn nation of Pango Tango, where the Great Guru lives. BQB hopes to ask him about the meaning of life  On the plane, BQB meets a nerdy female video game enthusiast.

Read Part 14

“And so, in Monster Nightmare, if you chop up a thousand monsters with your chainsaw, you get a distinguished chainsaw valor award,” the pretty she-nerd explained.

“Naturally,”  I replied.  “I wouldn’t want to chop up all of those monsters for nothing.”

Vicky shows Ed her video game awards.

Vicky shows Ed her video game awards.

We talked for an hour.  Actually, she talked.  I listened.  Occasionally, I tossed out a witty comment, but she had the floor.

“Listen to me babble on and on about video games,” the woman said.  “I haven’t even bothered to ask you your name.”

She reached out her hand.  I shook it.

“Book…”

I stopped myself.  She was a stranger.  Best to use my given name, not my chosen name.  The magic bookshelf was a source of great power.  Knowledge of its existence was not to be shared with just anyone.

“Eduardo,”  I said.

“Nice to meet you, Eduardo,”  the woman replied.  “I’m Victoria.”

Victoria popped a piece of gum into her mouth and offered me a piece.  I took it and chewed it.  I wasn’t a big gum chewer but it had been so long since I’d been in the company of a beautiful woman that I was ready to do anything she asked me.

“Is that your full name?”  Victoria asked.

I laughed.

“No,”  I said.  “My full name is a bit of a tongue twister.”

“Let’s hear it,”  Victoria said.

“I’d rather not.”

“Come on,”  Victoria said.  “It can’t be that bad.”

“Eduardo Ricardo Papageorgio Von Finklestein.”

Victoria giggled.

“Yeah,”  I said.  “Book agents I queried laughed too.  ‘Good luck selling books with that moniker pasted on the cover!’ they said.”

“You’re a writer?”  Victoria asked.

“I was,”  I replied.  “I used to be.  I stopped.  I’d like to try it again.  It’s complicated.”

“Well, pleased to meet you Eduardo Ricardo Papageorgio Von Finkelstein,”  Victoria said.  “I’m Victoria Gloria Somersby  Stratenhaus.”

“Seriously?”  I asked.

“Seriously,”  she replied.  “But you can call me Vicky.”

“OK,”  I said.  “And you can call me Ed.”

“So tell me, Ed, why did you stop writing?”

“Um,” I said.  “I’d rather hear about this video game fixation of yours.”

“Oh,” Vicky said.  “Long story short, I used to design video games.”

I felt my heart skip a beat – in a good way.  I was in the company of a fellow artist.

“That’s amazing,”  I said.

“Yeah,”  Vicky replied.  “Have you ever heard of Sweet Destroyer?”

“Of course,”  I said.  “I used to have a mild addiction to it.”

“Most people do,”  Vicky said.  “I had an entry level job inputting the code that made the sweets shift around.  It didn’t pay much, but at least I was working in the field I loved.”

“Why’d you leave?”  I asked.

“The guy I was dating at the time dumped me,” Vicky said.  “Said he wanted a woman who was more grounded, down to earth, not living with her head in the clouds.”

“He wanted a girl who preferred a bland life over daydreams about video games?”  I asked.

“Yeah,”  Vicky said.  “How’d you know?”

“Just a wild guess,”  I said.

“So I gave up on video games and went to business school,”  Victoria said.

I broke out in a cold sweat.  Vicky’s story was hitting too close to home.

“Got an MBA,”  Vicky continued.  “I figured there was so much competition in the video game industry that I might as well try my hand at a more practical career.”

“How’d that work out?”  I asked.

“The best I could do was a job at Drying Paint Media,”  Vicky said.  “America’s Number One Producer of Drying Paint Videos.”

This episode of BQB and the Meaning of Life brought to you by Drying Paint Media

This episode of BQB and the Meaning of Life brought to you by Drying Paint Media

“Drying Paint Videos are in high demand?”  I asked.

“Sure,”  Vicky replied.  “People who buy paint want to know how its going to look on their walls when it dries.  Pretty boring work though.”

“At least you’re producing videos,” I said.  “That has to involve some creativity, right?”

“No,”  Vicky said.  “I don’t even get to do that.  I’m just the assistant to the assistant of the vice-president for corporate assistance.”

I felt like I was going to faint.

“Are you alright, Ed?”  Vicky asked.

“Yes.”

“Your face just turned as white as a ghost,”  Vicky said.

“Yeah,”  I said.  “I’m….I’m not really a fan of air travel.”

“Me neither,”  Vicky said as she stood up.  “In fact, excuse me for a moment, I have to go powder my nose.”

I sat back in my seat.  I smiled.  I felt my heart burst.  

Finally, I met someone who could relate to what it was like to be me.

I was feeling euphoric.

And then that feeling came to a grinding halt when I heard two muffled British voices coming from inside my bag.

“Holmes, I don’t think this is a very good idea,”  one of the voices said.

“Watson, stop being such a ninny!”  the other voice replied.  “Simply grab a pair of headphones when Mr. Battler is not looking and then we can revel in the comedic genius that is Pootie-Tang!”

Wow.  A big reveal – Bookshelf Q. Battler’s real name.  A juicy piece of information that our hero’s enemies would love to get their hands on.  Thank God only 3.5 people read this damn thing.

Join us next time on BQB and the Meaning of Life!

Copyright (c) Bookshelf Q. Battler 2015.  All Rights Reserved.

Images courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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Jun 13 2015
3 Comments
Pop Culture Mysteries

Pop Culture Mysteries – Case File #001 – Here’s a Story

Jake Hatcher, Official Bookshelf Battle Blog Private Eye

Jake Hatcher, Official Bookshelf Battle Blog Private Eye

A husband.  A wife.  Six kids, three from the man’s first marriage, three from the wife’s.

And a housekeeper who’s as loyal as a highly trained doberman is to its master.

The Brady Bunch aired on ABC from 1969 to 1974.  They’re often looked back on as a bastion of wholesomeness, a tame group who got along a lot better than most families do today.

Still, for the time, the subject matter was a bit risqué.  Men and women with kids from past marriages (or hell, past flings even) get married all the time, but in those days, it was a taboo topic for television.

Kids just don’t pop out of thin air.  There had to have been two other people involved in this story.

What happened to Mike Brady’s first wife?

What happened to Carol Brady’s first husband?

My employer, Bookshelf Q. Battler, was dying to know and thus began my first Pop Culture Mystery.

Want to know what happened to the original Brady Bunch spouses?

Well, you could throw a football to your brother, but you might break your sister’s schnozola in the process.

Better play it safe and read these fine tales instead:

Part 1 – Delilah walks her getaway sticks to a coffee shop, where I’m having a helluva time adjusting to modern sensibilities.  Can’t get a black coffee for less than a King’s ransom.  Can’t smoke without the whole joint coming down on you like a ton of bricks.  Did the Nazis have a comeback while I was asleep?

Part 2 – Agnes the Librarian comes to my aid, helping navigate the complicated world of the modern beep boop machine.  I miss the old days when a computer was the size of a warehouse and only the government had them.

Part 3 – I twist the lid off this mystery like it’s a jar of three week old pickles.  If you want to find out what happened to Mike’s first wife and Carol’s first husband, read on.

(I’m told you can watch the Brady’s antics now on something called Hulu.  I have no idea what that is because I’m from 1955.  I assume it’s something you’ll need a beep boop machine for.)

Do you have a Pop Culture Mystery? Put Hatcher on the case! Tweet your questions about movies, television, music, books and entertainment to @bookshelfbattle or leave them in the comments on the Bookshelf Battle Blog.

Copyright (C) Bookshelf Q. Battler 2015. All Rights Reserved.

Images courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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Jun 13 2015
5 Comments
BQB and the Meaning of Life

BQB and the Meaning of Life – Part 14 – Enter the She-Nerd

PREVIOUSLY ON BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER AND THE MEANING OF LIFE

Bookshelf Q. Battler, owner of a magical bookshelf where small versions of literary characters pop out of the books on said shelf and run amuck, dies on the toilet while crapping lightning, a condition which, as we learn, is very common.

In fact, you should do your part to help find a cure.

Our hero croaks, finds himself in God’s Waiting Room, where he’s told by his spirit guide, William Shakespeare, to seek the meaning of life.

READ PARTS 1-5

BQB is given a second chance at life.  Upon his return to BQB HQ, his book character charges are sorry for driving him crazy to the point where the aforementioned lightning incident occurred.  Holmes and Watson are particularly interested in helping.

A TV news story reveals that The Great Guru, a wise man who has consumed the knowledge of every book ever written, is cut off from the world in his sanctuary atop a mountain located in the middle of the war torn island of Pango-Tango.  Ironically, Pangonians and the Tangonians have been hacking each other to pieces and blowing each other up for twenty years as the result of a dispute over which side is the most peaceful.

READ PARTS 6-13

AND NOW BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER AND THE MEANING OF LIFE CONTINUES…

Ding.

The Captain’s authoritative voice came through the intercom.

“Thank you for flying Air Third World.  Our motto?  ‘If you wanna go there, who are we to talk you out of it?  We are cruising at an altitude of 35,000 feet above sea level and we invite you to watch our in-flight feature film, Pootie Tang.”

“Pootie Tang?”  I asked out loud.  “Seriously?”

“Seriously,”  the Captain responded, apparently expecting someone to question the airline’s choice of in-flight movie.

Pootie Tang at 35,000 feet

Pootie Tang at 35,000 feet

For once in my life, I lucked out.  The seat next to me was empty, so I kept my carry on bag on it.  I sprawled myself out and was about to take a nap, when the voice of a pleasant sounding woman sitting behind me caught my attention.

“So this is the award I got for wasting the most aliens on Space Killer,” the woman said.  “Oh!  And this is the award I got for killing the most terrorists on War Shooter!”

“Uh huh,” responded a male voice.

“This is the award I received for selling the most crack on Car Thief Mayhem,”  the woman said.  “I’m not actually all that proud of that one.  Maybe I should delete it off my record.”

“OK then,”  the man said.

“Oh!”  the woman said.  “This is the special victory medal I got when I finished Interplanetary Roleplayer as a female and as a male Sgt. Sequoia!”

The man behind me reached up and tapped me on the shoulder.  I leaned over to look back at him.  He was a macho manly man, about my age, who looked like he might have been a frat boy in his youth.

“Dude,” the man said.  “Can you switch seats with me?  This chick is boring the hell outta’ me!”

I peaked up over the seat.  Next to the man sat a beautiful she-nerd.  Big blue eyes, bright red hair, green glasses, and in her hands, a tablet that displayed all of her video game victories.

I hated to give up the extra room, but damn she was cute.  I grabbed my bag and switched seats with the man.  The woman didn’t notice.

“They give you an award for every hundred thousand zombies you dismember on Shuffling Living: The Video Game Experience,”  the woman said.  “Not to brag, but I have ten of those bad boys.”

“That’s cool,”  I replied.

The woman looked up.

“Where did the other guy go?”

“We switched seats,”  I replied. 

“Oh,”  she said with a frown as she folded a cover over her tablet  “I guess sometimes I get carried away.”

“I don’t think so,”  I said.  “I’d like to hear more about your video game achievements.”

“Seriously?”  she asked, flashing me the brightest grin I’d ever seen.

“Seriously,”  I replied.

Is love in the air for Bookshelf Q. Battler?  Tune in tomorrow!  

P.S – in the next part, we’ll learn Bookshelf Q. Battler’s real name!  You don’t want to miss it!

Copyright (C) Bookshelf Q. Battler.  All Rights Reserved.

Image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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Jun 12 2015
4 Comments
Pop Culture Mysteries

Pop Culture Mysteries – Enter the Blonde – Parts 1-6

By:  Jake Hatcher, Official Bookshelf Battle Private Eye

Jake Hatcher, Official Bookshelf Battle Private Eye

Jake Hatcher, Official Bookshelf Battle Private Eye

Dames.  They’re a dime a dozen until one day one passes by and makes your jaw drop faster than a 1929 stock ticker.

Delilah K. Donnelly. Now that’s one attorney I wouldn’t mind handling my pro bono.

Get your mind out of the gutter, degenerates.  All I’m saying is when it comes to dinero I’m broker than a piñata full of candy at a kids’ birthday party, and I could use the gal’s advice on all the mysteries coming my way.

After all, she’s the one bringing them to me.

My new employer, one Bookshelf Q. Battler, is some kind of whacko who spends all his time thinking about popular culture.  Movies, television, music, books, entertainment – he can’t get enough of it.

But his obsession means he’s full of questions.

Delilah serves as a go-between, an intermediary, if you will.  The nerd thinks up the mysteries, the dame delivers them and who solves them?

Yours truly.

Want to know how this whole arrangement began?  You’re going to have to pop on your spectacles and do some reading, Jack.

Delilah K. Donnelly, In-House Counsel for the Bookshelf Battle Blog

Delilah K. Donnelly, In-House Counsel for the Bookshelf Battle Blog

Part 1 – I return to my office on a dark and stormy night only to find a blonde dame sitting in my deskchair.  She knows so much about me that it makes me uncomfortable.  Hell, the broad even knows everything about my ex-wives.

Part 2 – The gal reads me my whole life’s story. Odd, since I knew it already. It’s almost like she was doing it for the benefit of 3.5 readers. Also, I dish details about a top secret mission I was involved in during World War II.

Part 3 – The blonde introduces herself as Delilah K. Donnelly.  She’s a lawyer, which is too bad, because I’ve never met a member of the bar that didn’t make me clutch my wallet tighter.  Come to think of it, this lawyer makes me want to clutch something else…

Part 4 – Delilah provides me a letter from an odd fella who wants me to work for him.

Part 5 – Cunning counselor that she is, Delilah presents an iron clad contract to me.

Part 6 – Do I sign it?  Feast your peepers and find out.

No blondes were entered during the production of this story.  One did enter a room though, hence the title.  

Do you have a Pop Culture Mystery?  Put Hatcher on the case!  Tweet your questions about movies, television, music, books and entertainment to @bookshelfbattle or leave them in the comments on the Bookshelf Battle Blog.

Copyright (C) Bookshelf Q. Battler 2015.  All Rights Reserved.

Images courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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Jun 12 2015
3 Comments
Movie Reviews

Movie Review – Jurassic World (2015)

Dun dun…dun dun!  Da da dun da dun dun dun!

That was me trying to type the Jurassic Park/World theme song.

Nevermind.  OBLIGATORY SPOILER WARNING.

To paraphrase Jeff Goldblum’s line from the original film, this franchise, like life, keeps finding a way.

Bookshelf Q. Battler here with a review of this summer’s blockbuster dino-fest Jurassic World.

Movie Trailer – Jurassic World – Universal Pictures

Do you remember Jurassic Park?  I do.  As a kid, I spazzed out over the movie’s sheer awesomeness.  In fact, that flick was the first to use CGI on a massive scale to bring dinosaurs to life, thus ushering in an era of computer generated monsters, beasts and assorted bad guys.

In short, it blew peoples’ minds, mine included.  The best description I can give is for me, seeing Jurassic Park was probably a lot like how young people felt when they saw Star Wars in 1977.

The only downside?  Are we at the peak of what special effects can do?  Are we spoiled now?  Are we used to CGI?  Will someone ever figure out some other awesome thing to do in a movie that will knock our socks off, leaving a new generation of kids’ jaws to drop the way mine did when I saw the first film in this series?

Time will tell, but a movie growing public that’s grown used to the wonders of CGI reminds me of the line uttered by Chris Pratt’s character Owen Grady – “Aren’t dinosaurs enough?”

He asks that in response to Bryce Howard’s Claire, the administrator of the new Jurassic World theme park, who notes that every few years a new and even more fearsome dinosaur has to be created to keep the public’s attention.

Sorry Owen.  In theory, you’re right.  Dinosaurs should be enough and so should a steady diet of CGI effects dished out by Hollywood over the past twenty plus years.

But it never is.  Once the “wow factor” dissipates, whatever wowed us becomes yesterday’s news and we’re left wanting something bigger and better.

Here, we find it in the form of the Indominus Rex, the super dinosaur engineered to bring tourists to the park but alas, and perhaps as can be expected in these movies, he escapes, thus giving Owen a Claire a run for their money.

Owen is a dinosaur handler on the island working on a project to train raptors to work with humans.  The raptors were arguably scarier than the T-Rex in the first film.  Sure, the T-Rex might stomp or chomp you but the highly intelligent raptors will haunt you in a pack and find you wherever you’re hiding.

Raptors as the good guys in this film?  Say it ‘aint so!

There’s plenty of homages to the original film.  There’s a nerd with a soda cup and a messy work station ala Dennis Nedry (Wayne Knight who went on to become Jerry Seinfeld’s arch enemy Newman).  Claire’s nephews (the children in peril in this film) find a long discarded goggle hat similar to the one Tim wore when he and his sister Lex where the children in peril in the original.  Mr. DNA makes a cameo.  And of course, there’s a statue of John Hammond.

I don’t want to give much more away but suffice to say, it lives up to the hype and since the original, it is the first sequel to do Michael Crichton’s vision justice.

Sadly, we lost Crichton in 2008, but his books and the movies based on them live on.  After watching Jurassic Park, I ran out and got a copy of the book and I remember being inspired by a man who didn’t make his way into the entertainment industry through the usual route (i.e. I’ll jaunt off to Hollywood and see what happens!) but rather as a doctor who took his scientific/medical knowledge and used it to churn out stories that kept us in suspense.

Chris Pratt continues to inspire nerds everywhere.  Honestly, when you first started watching Parks and Recreation, did you think the guy playing Andy would ever find himself as a summer blockbuster leading man two years in a row?  He’s not that cookie cutter, exceptionally handsome dude that looks like he got yanked off the Hollywood assembly line that we’ve grown used to.  Rather, he kind of looks like a guy we’d want to have a beer with after the movie.

Bryce plays the bean counting administrator well, obsessed with work and dollars only to realize the gravity of the situation when the Indominus goes for a stroll.

Dr. Wu (B.D. Wong of Law and Order fame), was in the first film and he reprises his role here.  SPOILER ALERT – he runs of with some dino DNA, thus leaving this reviewer to speculate that the door is opened for yet another sequel.

It’ll have to be awesome, because apparently, the average, run of the mill dinosaur just isn’t good enough anymore.

STATUS:  Shelf Worthy

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Jun 12 2015
2 Comments
Uncle Hardass

And Now a Message from Uncle Hardass…

By:  Uncle Hardassimo “Hardass” J. Scrambler, Bookshelf Q. Battler’s Extremely Cranky and Deceased Uncle

Uncle Hardass

Uncle Hardass J. Scrambler

Mother of God.  You people actually read this nonsense?  “Oh look at me!  I’m friends with an alien!”  “Oh look at me!  I have a blog!”  “Oh look at me!  I have 3.5 readers!”

Well la dee freakin’ da.  Everyone wants to be a writer anymore.  No one can be bothered to roll up their sleeves and put a good honest day’s work in at the Salt Mines.  You all want your salt but you want some other guy to get it.

Here’s a newsflash ya’ bunch of unwashed hippy good-fer-nothins!  While you’re all tappity tapping on your electro-thingy-ma-whosits, people are busting their asses just to bring salt to your table.

Think my good for nothing nephew cares?  Nah.  He’s too busy “blogging.”  Jesus.  I’m glad I’m dead so I don’t have to be reminded of the fact that all the work I put into raising that kid amounted to him writing a “blog” for the benefit of 3.5 readers.

In fact, here’s how it all went down on my death-bed:

BQB:  Uncle Hardass!  Don’t die!  I’ll do anything!  I’ll even get a job at the Salt Mines!

UNCLE HARDASS:  Aack!  Too late!  Thank God I’m dying.  If I live long enough, you’ll probably disappoint me by taking all the effort I put into raising you and starting a blog for the benefit of 3.5 readers!

BQB:  That actually sounds like a good idea…

UNCLE HARDASS:  Aack!  Oh God!  This is it!  I hope there’s no hippies in the afterlife!  Aaack!

First, I called it.  That buffoon went and started a blog for 3.5 readers.  I’d kick myself in the ass for giving him the idea but I’m a ghost and my foot would just go through my ass.

Second, there’s nothing but hippies here.  I’m not sure if I’m in Heaven or Hell.  I might be in my own personal Hell where I’m surrounded by hippies who just babble on about all the art they want to create while I bust my ass everyday until the end of time at the Afterlife Salt Mines.

Then again, this is probably Heaven, because I like working at the Salt Mines and bitching about useless hippies.

Anyway, what was my point?  Oh yeah.

My nephew’s story, “Bookshelf Q. Battler and the Meaning of Life” starts again tomorrow and I’m here to ask you to not read it. The more people read it, the bigger his ego will get and then he’ll never face facts and accept the solid employment that only the Salt Mines can offer.

He thinks he’s being real avant garde with this stuff.  You’ll learn his real name though I don’t know why you’d want to because I just refer to him as “the moocher.”

TRANSLATION OF A CONVERSATION BETWEEN A YOUNG BQB AND UNCLE HARDASS:

YOUNG BQB:  Uncle Hardass!  Will you read me a story?

UNCLE HARDASS:  A story?!  How the expletive deleted do you have time for a story?  Why don’t you have a job at the Salt Mines yet, ya moocher?

YOUNG BQB:  I’m three.

UNCLE HARDASS:  And?!  So what?  Are you going to use that excuse forever?  You sound just like your Aunt!  “He’s only three, Hardassimo!”  “Stop trying to make him get a job, Hardassimo!”  “Stop gluing a beard to his face in an attempt to pass him off at the Salt Mines as a little person day laborer, Hardassimo!”

YOUNG BQB:  Read this book to me!  It’s called “The Three Billy Goats Gruff.”

UNCLE HARDASS:  Oh alright.  Jesus H. Christ.  Shit like this is why the Japanes are beating us hands down.  You think those kids are reading stories right now?  No.  They’re too busy making transistors and practicing karate and shit.  All you kids who want to read and write will be crying your eyes out when your lack of hard work leads to the Good Ole U S of A being overtaken by the land of the rising sun but alright, here we go.  “Once upon a time…blah blah blah….there were some goats….”

YOUNG BQB:  You’re not reading it right!

UNCLE HARDASS:  I’m making improvements!  Alright, so there were three hard working goats who worked eighty hours a week at the Salt Mines and were happy to do it.  And once upon a time, they were walking across a bridge when an incredibly lazy troll popped out of nowhere and harassed the shit out of the hard working goats.

YOUNG BQB:  I don’t think that’s how it goes…

UNCLE HARDASS:  “Boo!”  said the hideous, lazy troll.  “I’m a writer!  I sit around and make up stories all day while hardworking goats like you slave away in the salt mines!  La dee da I’m so special!”

YOUNG BQB:  I’m going to bed.

UNCLE HARDASS:  Good!  And put your beard on tomorrow!  One of these days I’ll convince the foreman that you’re a little person day laborer and not my lazy moocher of a nephew!  I had three jobs when I was your age, you know.

And then I also hear that at some point in this lousy series, BQB is going to find himself a woman!

I don’t know whether I should be happy for him or sad for the gal.  I mean, hell, it’s about time my nephew settled down and started a family of his own but on the other hand, I have no idea how this clown will ever support a woman without a job at the Salt Mines.

I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised.  I was quite the ladies’ man myself in my day.  How else do you think I scored a fox like Gertie?  Well, she used to be quite the looker anyway.  Now she just kind of looks like a wrinkly basset hound with a wig on it.

Don’t tell her I said that.  She’ll find a way to nag me even though I’m deader than disco.  Nobody reads this thing anyway right?

Read BQB’s story.  Don’t read BQB’s story.  I don’t care.  I know everything but young people never want to listen to my advice.  Make your own mistakes I guess.  God knows my lousy excuse for a nephew has.

If you’ll excuse me now, I have to go haunt my old house.  It’s the one I told Gertie that she is under no circumstances to give to BQB when she goes to the old folks home, but she’s another one that never listened to me.

Oh, right, I’m supposed to refer to it as the “Bookshelf Battle Compound.”  More of BQB’s delusions of grandeur.

Kids these days.  I tell ya.

Get a job, ya bums.

Uncle Hardass croaked years ago after a steady diet of pastrami finally caught up to him.  Even so, BQB is certain he can hear him haunting the Bookshelf Battle Compound.  Occasionally, he even manages to post on BQB’s blog from the afterlife.

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Jun 11 2015
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BQB and the Meaning of Life

And Now a Word from Our Sponsor (Lightning Infused Toaster Pastry Toilet Death Awareness)

Together, we can find a cure for LITPTD.

Together, we can find a cure for LITPTD.

BEN AFFLECK:  Hello.  I’m acclaimed motion picture star Ben Affleck.  Everything I’ve been in has been great.

Gigli?

Neverheard of it.  Will you people get over it, already?  Look, you’d make any movie if you were dating J. Lo and…nope.  Nevermind. We’re not hear to talk about that.  We’re hear to talk about a horrendous illness that is sweeping across the globe.

LADY GAGA:  Gosh, Ben!  What is it?

BEN AFFLECK:  It’s a physical condition that’s uglier than that dress you’ve got on, Gaga.

JOE NAMATH:  It sounds awful, Ben.

BEN AFFLECK:  It sure does legendary football star Joe Namath.

KERMIT THE FROG:  Hi Ho Ben, why don’t you just tell us what it is already?

BEN AFFLECK:  LITPTD

AL ROKER:  Say what?!

BEN AFFLECK:  LITPTD, or in laymen’s terms, “Lightning Infused Toaster Pastry Toilet Death.”

CROWD OF CELEBRITIES ON STAGE GASPS

IGGY AZALEA:  Crikey, Ben!  What in the deep digeridoo is that?

BEN AFFLECK:  Every year, thousands of people die after eating a toaster pastry infused with a concentrated lightning bolt. It’s not their fault.  Lightning infused toaster pastries are so damn delicious that no mortal is able to resist.  Sadly, what goes in must come out and sure enough, the lightning comes out in a big way.  Too big for the human body to handle…usually while the afflicted individual is sitting on the toilet.

KERMIT THE FROG:  Did you say, “usually?”

BEN AFFLECK:  I did.  Unfortunately, the best case scenario for a LITPTD sufferer is to die whilst on the commode.  Of course, we’ve all seen the news stories about LITPTD afflicted individuals rolling over in the middle of the night and taking out their spouses who happen to be sleeping in bed with them.  Of course, our hearts and prayers go out to those poor folks who were attending a telemarketer convention when one of the attendees inflicted by LITPTD wasn’t able to find a bathroom in time and accidentally took out an entire seminar on how to call people during dinner.

KERMIT THE FROG:  Did you say thousands of people suffer from this?  Is LITPD really that common?

BEN AFFLECK:  Yes, Kermit. Right now as we speak, someone is dying on the toilet while trying to push out a lightning bolt that was consumed in the form of a toaster pastry.

NICKI MINAJ:  (Sweetly) Only cherry toaster pastries though, right? (ANGRILY) – BECAUSE TO DIE FROM AN ORANGE TOASTER PASTRY WOULD BE A FRIGHTENING SIGHT!

BEN AFFLECK:  No Nicki.  Lightning can strike any flavor of toaster pastry and make it extra delicious and hard to resist, despite the fact that eating it results in a certain, painful, and exceptionally hilarious death.  Strawberry.  Chocolate.  Vanilla.  No toaster pastry is safe from becoming a vessel of impending doom.

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE:  What can we do, Ben?

BEN AFFLECK:  What celebrities do best, Justin.  We can raise awareness.

CELEBRITIES GATHER TOGETHER AND BREAK OUT INTO SONG

Cure LITPTD Today

By: A Gaggle of Concerned Celebrities

ALL:

There’s a rumble in my tummy!

I don’t know what to do!

Oh lightning infused toaster pastry!

Why did I eat you?

You looked so delicious.

So I ate the entire thing.

But now out of my backside…

A damn lightning bolt will fling!

Whoa…whoa..whoa…CURE!

CURE LIGHTNING INFUSED TOASTER PASTRY TOILET DEATH!

Won’t you donate today and make this madness go away?

Whoa…whoa…whoa..CURE!

CURE LIGHTNING INFUSED TOASTER PASTRY TOILET DEATH!

Cure it today and make it safe to go to the bathroom again….

ATTORNEY DONNELLY SAYS:  This is just a parody.  Literally, none of the above mentioned celebrities participated in a telethon/music video to raise awareness for Lightning Infused Toaster Pastry Toilet Death.  None of them said any of these horrible things.

BQB:  Because they didn’t care?

ATTORNEY DONNELLY:  Because there isn’t such an affliction!

BQB:  Could of fooled me!  I’m still sitting on a prescription butt pillow!

Image courtesy of Eggib on openclipart.org.

BQB and the Meaning of Life returns this Saturday.

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Jun 11 2015
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You Can't Argue with Science

You Can’t Argue with Science: Dr. Hugo Reminds You of BQB and The Meaning of Life

Guten tag, mein leipshin!

Dr. Hugo Von Science

Dr. Hugo Von Science

It is I, Dr. Hugo Von Science here mit mein column, “You Can’t Argue With Science.”

You really can’t, can you?  Go on.  Try it.  Argue with a molecule and see where it gets you.  Nowhere.

Perhaps you remember me from one of my amazing inventions:

  • The Super Collider Walnut Cracker – Harnesses the power of the super collider to send molecules hurtling at unimaginable speeds for the purpose of cracking mein delicious walnuts.
  • Chimpanzee Mind Control Helmets – Have you ever wanted to live vicariously through a chimp?  Now you can.  You’re welcome.
  • The Spoiler Stratifier – Tired of your favorite television shows being spoiled by people who have more time to watch TV than you do?  Try this special pair of ear buds that translates any spoiler uttered by a dufus into the sound of a Swiss man yodeling.

And of course…

  • The Stench-a-fier – Provide me with all the gold bars in the world or your cities will reek with the stench of a billion skunks dipped in old buttermilk and…woopsie!  That one isn’t perfected yet.  Mein bad.

Anyhoodles, have you forgotten all about Bookshelf Q. Battler and the Meaning of Life?  Of course you have, mein leipshin.  It’s all right.  You all have the brain capacity of a bunch of buzzing gnats.  It’s ok.  We all can’t be a distinguished Professor of Science at the Advanced Science Institute of Science University like yours truly, Dr. Hugo Von Science.

Here’s a refresher of BQB’s epic adventure:

Parts 1-5 – BQB dies on toilet after eating a lightning bolt that was concentrated into a pop tart.  In death, his spirit guide, William Shakespeare, advises him to seek the meaning of life.  Critics praise the tale, especially the intense realism as well as the author’s bold gambit in educating the world about the scourge of toilet/lightning related fatalities.

Parts 6-13 – Our hero is given a second chance at life and recovers from his injuries at the Bookshelf Battle Compound.  Various tiny book characters apologize for causing his injury.  BQB decides that the secret of life must rest in the brain of the Great Guru, a wise man who lives high atop a mountain smack dab in the middle of the civil war plagued island of Pango Tango.  The inhabitants have been massacring each other for years over an argument as to which side is most peaceful.  (Yes, you read that right.)

Pop Culture Mysteries returns in July with a special episode in which Detective Jake Hatcher investigates whether Han or Greedo from Star Wars shot first.

In the meantime, you can start reading Jake’s quest to figure out what happened to the original Brady Bunch spouses.

What do you think happened to them, mein leipshin?  Personally, I don’t think Mike or Carol had first spouses.  I bet the Brady children were cloned in a lab, but that just could be mein bias for, as you know, I am a man of science.

And you can’t argue with science.

Toodle-ooo herrs unt frauleins!

Dr. Hugo Von Science is a Distinguished Professor of Science at the Advanced Science Institute of Science University.  He has patented over a bazillion inventions and may or may not be attempting to conquer the world in his spare time.  His column, “You Can’t Argue with Science” is a recurring feature on the Bookshelf Battle Blog.

Mad scientist photo courtesy of shutterstock.com

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Jun 10 2015
22 Comments
Pop Culture Mysteries

Pop Culture Mysteries – Case File #001 – Here’s a Story (Part 3)

PREVIOUSLY ON POP CULTURE MYSTERIES…

READ:

PART 1 PART 2

AND NOW THE POP CULTURE MYSTERIES CONTINUE…

I returned to my office, worn out and weary after a day of shaking the beep boop machines to see what would fall out vis a vis the mystery of what happened to the original Brady Bunch spouses.

Correction – I let Agnes the Librarian do all the work.  This new fangled technology confuses me more than Chinese Algebra translated into Greek.

Like a monk studying a holy book, I poured over the printouts Agnes made for me and came up with the following:

OBSERVATION – Though tame by today’s standards, the Brady Bunch was ahead of its time.

Hatcher ponders the possibilities.

Hatcher ponders the possibilities.

No matter what happened to the original Brady Bunch spouses, one thing became apparent to this sleuth after watching a few episodes:

Mixed/blended families were not a big staple of old television.

Hell, I remember watching a few sitcoms in the early 1950’s.  When the show called for a night time scene, the mother and father would be shown sleeping in separate beds, as if the fictional characters weren’t canoodling like a pair of jackrabbits when the cameras were off.

I’m still getting up to speed on all the pop culture I missed, but I’m fairly certain Mr. and Mrs. Brady were one of the first TV couples to share a bed on camera.

And if you can imagine that it wasn’t easy getting couples to share a bed on TV, it was yeoman’s work to get a show on the air that featured a man with kids marrying a woman with kids.  Happens all the time but for whatever reason, it used to be considered unseemly to talk about.

THEORY #1 – The Original Brady Spouses Were Bumped Off

As a detective, one of the first tasks at hand is to establish motive.  Did someone have a reason to do something?  Someone having a reason to do something doesn’t automatically mean they did said thing but it can give you some insight into the case.

Mr. Brady’s Motive – None as far as I can see.  He was the only one bringing any money into the house. Why would a guy bump off his first wife just so he can marry some dame and dole out extra cash to raise her three kids?  Hell, he even had to keep a housekeeper on the payroll just to corral all those rugrats.  Doesn’t seem like a deal most fellas would sign up for, let alone kill for if you ask me.

Mrs. Brady’s Motive – To be a kept woman.  Carol never had a job and yet Alice the housekeeper did all the work around Casa del Brady.  Sure, it’s understandable that with six kids a woman might need an extra hand, but out of all the episodes Agnes the Librarian showed me on the library’s beep boop machine, I didn’t see Carol lift a single finger, fold a bed sheet, or even rinse out a pair of track marked underpants.

As said above, motive does not always mean guilt (or that a crime even occurred in the first place).  All I’m saying is if some rich architect broad wanted to give me a life where I could just sit back and let some happy go lucky housekeeper do all the work, I might tempted to outfit my wife for a pair of cement shoes.

Luckily, I’m not married at present.  And honestly, out of the three wives I loved and lost, Muffy’s the only ex that I’d seriously consider the proposition for.  And even then, I wouldn’t.  I might be many things, but a law breaker ‘aint one of them, Jack.

Conclusion – If there’s one thing I’ve learned in all my years as a law man, it’s this:

Few secrets last forever.  Sooner or later, they bubble up to the surface.

You’ve got a big house with six kids, a man, a woman, a housekeeper, an occasional cousin (Oliver) and regular visits from Sam the Butcher.  Had the original Brady spouses been put on ice, then someone would have noticed something off in the family dynamic and would have squealed louder than a prize pig at the county fair.

Thus, this detective concludes there was no foul play.

Theory #2 – Divorce

Splitsville.  Calling it quits.  The old dumparooni.  Make no mistake about it, divorce was a taboo topic back in the day.

I asked Agnes to run the stats on divorce between 1950 and today.  Here’s a chart that barked at me like a junkyard dog in search of a bone:

TOP REASONS GIVEN FOR DIVORCE BY YEAR

1950 – Husband attempted to murder me more than seven times and I’ve had enough. I hope Jesus will forgive me for breaking my vows.

1965 – Husband cheated on me fifty times and the fifty-first time was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I hope I don’t burn in hell for leaving.

1975 – Husband cheated on me ten times and hey, you other women can put up with more than that if you want but ten times is too many for this empowered female.  Vows schmows.

2000 – I hate my husband’s face.

2010:  I need more me time.

2015 – Husband farted in my presence, broke my fantasy of living in an ideal perfect marriage. Note to self:  find a fartless husband.

SOURCE: The Fake Institute for Made Up Research

See a pattern? As time progressed, people became more accepting of couples breaking their wedding vows like so many smashed dishes.

In the olden days, people either stayed together until the end of time and if they didn’t, then no one wanted to hear about it, especially on national television.

I determined Mike Brady and his first missus weren’t divorced.  More on that later.

First, here’s the intel I honed in on vis a vis Carol:

“Creator Sherwood Schwartz maintains Carol was divorced from her first husband, but nothing about it was mentioned on the series. At that time, divorce was a subject matter that was still considered largely taboo for television, particularly a series aimed at family audiences.”

Source: IMDB

Further, after viewing the first episode, The Honeymoon, which shows Mike and Carol getting married, Carol tells her parents, “I don’t know what I’d of done without you the past few years.”

Is that a vague clue?  Did Carol have to rely on her parents after her first marriage turned as sour as a six month old jug of buttermilk?

Another clue – Carol, before the wedding, tells Mike, “A few years ago I thought it was the end of the world…”

Why did Carol feel like it was the end of the world?  Perhaps because her first marriage blew up like a Tiajuana firecracker on Cinco de Mayo?

CONCLUSION:  Would that most of my cases wrap-up so easily.  Carol and her first fella broke up but the subject was considered too risqué to discuss on TV at the time.

THEORY 3 – Death

In the first episode, there’s a scene in which Bobby has hidden a picture of his biological mother, afraid that Carol wouldn’t approve of him having it displayed in his room.

Mike tells Bobby to put the picture back up, that he and Carol don’t want Bobby to forget about his mother, and that she’d be proud of him.

CONCLUSION:  Seems obvious that the first Mrs. Brady died from natural causes, though I suppose there could have been some kind of accident.  We aren’t told the details of the original Mrs. B’s demise, but it was obviously a tragic event that caused a lot of sadness in the male side of the Brady Bunch household.

Mr. Battler, for the sake of your 3.5 readers, I’ll wrap this report up with some info about the show:

THE BRADY BUNCH

Years on air – 1969-1974

CREATOR:

Sherwood Schwartz

ACTORS/ACTRESSES:

Robert Reed (Mike Brady)

Florence Henderson (Carol Brady)

Ann B. Davis (Alice Nelson aka Alice the Housekeeper)

Maureen McCormick (Marcia Brady)

Eve Plumb (Jan Brady)

Susan Olsen (Cindy Brady)

Barry Williams (Greg Brady)

Christopher Knight (Peter Brady)

Mike Lookinland (Bobby Brady)

WHERE TO STREAM IT:

Available on Hulu.  Though vague, the first episode provides answers as to what happened to the first Brady spouses.

FINAL OBSERVATIONS:  Parents.  Kids.  Love.  Happiness.  It’s what every family wants.  Ideally, it all lasts forever.  Unfortunately, it doesn’t always work out.  Sometimes the Man Upstairs makes a mess of your plans and takes a parent away or sometimes a couple isn’t able to make it work as a package deal.

Sometimes parts of families come together to “form a family.”  A new one.  Who are we to say that’s wrong?

Corny as it may seem today, The Brady Bunch was a pioneer when it came to putting mixed/blended families on television.

shutterstock_278169329

Have a pop culture mystery?  Put Hatcher on the case!  Tweet your questions about movies, music, books, cultural happenings and more to @bookshelfbattle or drop it in the comments on bookshelfbattle.com

Copyright (C) Bookshelf Q. Battler 2015.  All rights reserved.

Detective and stamp images courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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