Category Archives: Uncategorized

Jan 20 2018
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Inappropriate Musicals, Uncategorized

Dahmer! (The Musical)

Moving on with our inappropriate musical series:

SONG TITLE: Eat My Friends

(Jeffrey Dahmer is surrounded by a number of people who leer at him.  They all break out into song.)

RANDOM MAN:  He’s a weirdo!  He’s a bum!

RANDOM WOMAN: He looks like he never has fun!

RANDOM MAN 2:  He wears window pane glasses that scare us off our asses!

RANDOM WOMAN 2: He drinks scotch in the middle of the day!  What more do we have to say?

ENTIRE CHORUS:  Come on! Let’s run away!

(Dahmer looks up and cries.  He pulls a power drill and a paper mache head out of a duffel bag.)

DAHMER:  Why?!  Oh why do they all run away?

Frightened by my appearance before they hear what I have to say!

I’ve come up with the only way – to make them stay!

Yes, on my happiness this idea depends!

And that is why I’ll eat my friends!

(DAHMER revs up the drill.)

I’ll drill a hole…

(A new CHORUS returns.  Each CHORUS member represents a different voice inside DAHMER’s head.)

CHORUS: He’ll drill a hole!

DAHMER: Inside their heads…

CHORUS: Inside their heads!

DAHMER: And surely that won’t make anyone dead!

CHORUS: No it won’t!

DAHMER: Upon this action, the police will surely frown, but I can tell you, this is all very medically sound!

CHORUS:  Of course!

DAHMER:  If no one will be a friend to me, then I’ll drill their heads until they become zombies!  They’ll cater to my every demand! They’ll obey all my commands!

CHORUS:  And if that fails?

DAHMER:  Then I’ll eat ’em.

CHORUS: Wow!

DAHMER: Fella, eat your friends, it’s the only way to keep a compadre or a pal.

Fella, eat your friends.  Nothing could be sour when you devour your bosom buddy or your favorite gal!

Oh, I’m going to eat all my friends, oh why, oh why can’t you see?  A friend can’t get any closer to you than when they’re deep inside your belly!

Oh, I’m going to eat all my friends, fry them up in a pan!  Add some salt, but just a smidge!  Put the leftovers in my fridge…oh yes, I tell you yes, I’ll eat my friends!

CHORUS:  Jeffy, are you really, are you really going to eat your friends?

DAHMER: You know it!

CHORUS: Are you going to filet them sautee them and eat them up from head to thighs?

DAHMER:  Hell, I think I’ll serve them up with curly fries!  Oh why, oh why can’t you see?  There’s nothing tastier, nothing more delicious to me!  I can’t think a better way of time to spend…then dicing and slicing and grilling up a friend!

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Jan 18 2018
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Movies, Uncategorized

BQB’s Classic Movie Reviews – Little Miss Sunshine (2006)

Ahh, family.  Those people and your nose are two things you can’t pick.

Well, you can pick your nose, but you shouldn’t…at least not in public.  Do it in private because you still need to remove the boogers.  Just be careful to not stab your brain with your finger.

But I digress.  BQB here with a review of “Little Miss Sunshine.”

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Life is not perfect.  People are not perfect.  Families are not perfect.  Somehow, we must find a way to struggle along and find happiness amongst the sadness rather than hope for a perfect day when everything and everyone will be perfect.  That day rarely, if ever comes.

Such is the lesson of this little film.

Mom and Dad (Greg Kinnear and Toni Collette) are facing bankruptcy and their marriage is on the rocks.  Uncle (Steve Carell) is suicidal over the collapse of his career and relationship.  Big brother (Paul Dano) is a mopey little twerp who has taken a vow of silence.  Grampa (Alan Arkin) is so depressed that he’s turned to drugs.

In short, everyone is depressed because their lives are less than perfect.  Dad has squandered the family finances on a shady, fly-by-night attempt to become a motivational speaker.  Brother’s depressed because his dream may not come true.  Grampa is depressed because he’s old.  Uncle is depressed because his boyfriend dumped him and he wonders if he’s wasted his life being the nation’s foremost Marcel Proust scholar.  Mom is depressed because her family members stink.

Everyone in this film is depressed and yet, they all manage to unite in a common cause – to deliver little Olive (Abigail Breslin) to a beauty pageant in California.  Olive is a little nerd and not exactly beauty pageant material, but competing is her dream and her family does not want to let her down.

What can we learn?  Maybe we wallow in our sadness when our sadness only affects us.  If someone else’s happiness is on the line, we can somehow muster up the courage to do great things, like take a cross country trip in a broken down van that can only shift into the proper gear when it is pushed up a hill and then allowed to roll down in a turning motion.  Oh, and also the horn is stuck so all other motorists think the driver is being a dick and honking at them, so they honk back furiously.

Your life isn’t perfect.  The tools you need to fix your life are rarely perfect (i.e. things you need, like the family van, will break down at the worst possible moment) and yet somehow when the chips are down, we can find a way to help those we love.  The family members are sad, miserable and depressed yet they all love Olive and are willing to move mountains for her.

If only we could muster up that courage to pull ourselves out of depression?

Ignoring idea of perfection and enjoying an imperfect life is the overall theme of the movie, and while that is scene in the family road trip, it is also seen in the pageant itself.  Little girls made up to look like beauty queens (sickening) leaving Olive looking as though she is some kind of weirdo for even daring to get on the same stage, and yet the little girl has a lot of heart and is perfect in her own way.  Or perfect in her imperfection.

STATUS:  Shelf-worthy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Jan 18 2018
10 Comments
Uncategorized

No one reads my blog

It makes me so sad I want to eat cookies and watch “Gilmore Girls.”

Jan 15 2018
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Uncategorized

Alien Jones vs. The Yeti

Oh, what a wonderful world we live in when you can find a dude on Friday, ask him for artwork of an alien blasting a yeti and get this on Monday:

Thoughts?

I’ll be using this to promote an upcoming email newsletter. Alien Jones will be the author.

Jan 13 2018
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Tomfoolery, Uncategorized

If you’re just joining us…

…I got tired of trying to explain to people what this fine blog is all about, so I paid this lady to do it for me:

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Jan 13 2018
1 Comment
Technology, Uncategorized

If you have Microsoft edge…

…and you know how to make it so that your web browser is full screen instead of having it be down lower on the screen and then on top it shows all your tabs, past sites you’ve been to etc, how to fix that, it would be appreciated.

Thank you, 3.5 readers.  I’m sorry to inform you but your fearless leader doesn’t know everything.

Jan 13 2018
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Inappropriate Musicals, Uncategorized

Inappropriate Musicals – Balls of Glory: The John Wayne Bobbitt Story – Act 2

SONG TITLE: “Where Is It?”

(John Wayne Bobbitt wakes up.  He gets out of bed, stretches and yawns.  He breaks out into song.)

JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT:

Something’s missing…

(A chorus of neighborhood men flood the room.)

CHORUS:

Don’t you hate that feeling?  Is it under the bed?  Is it stuck to the ceiling?

JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT:

What did I loose?  Is it my keys?  Is it my shoes?

CHORUS:

Something isn’t right!  What a terrible fright!

JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT:

I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I’m feeling very indignant.  Something’s amiss.  Something is wrong.  Something feels so different.

CHORUS:

Did you lose your wallet?  We think we saw in on the coffee table!

JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT:

No, it’s not that, but I just feel so unstable.

CHORUS:

Did you lose your day planner?  We think you dropped it on the stairs.

JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT:

No.  This has caught me unawares.

CHORUS:

How frightful to know that something is gone, but to not know what is missing…

(JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT heads to the bathroom, lifts up the toilet seat and drops his pants.)

JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT:

Oh well, maybe I’ll figure it out while I’m pissing.  AAAARRRRRRRGGGGHHH!

(JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT returns to the bedroom.)

JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT:

Where is it?

CHORUS:

Where is what?

JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT:

My penis! My Johnson!  My cock!

CHORUS:

It’s not there?!

JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT:

No sirs, right now I’m wearing empty underwear.

CHORUS:

It’s probably the last place you left it.

JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT:

Could it be in the kitchen?  Could it be in the sink?  I’m sorry that I’m bitchin’ but it’s enough to make a man drink?

CHORUS:

Where, oh where is your best pal?  That is what we must know!

(JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT looks around.)

JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT:

Hey!  Did anyone see Lorena go?

(A knock at the door.  BOBBITT opens it.  A police officer hold up a plastic bag.)

POLICE OFFICER:

Sir, is this yours?

JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT:

Why, yes!  Where did it go?  It’s never left me before!

POLICE OFFICER:

We need to get you to a doctor.  See if it can be sewn back on.

JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT:

My God!  Will it ever work again?  Will an erection it ever yield?

POLICE OFFICER:

I have no idea.  We found it at the edge of an abandoned field.

JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT:

But officer! Please, tell me!  Will it ever produce a load?

POLICE OFFICER:

What do I look like?  A dick scientist?  It was just lying there on the side of the road!

 

 

 

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Jan 13 2018
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Inappropriate Musicals, Uncategorized

Inappropriate Musicals – Balls of Glory: The John Wayne Bobbitt Story – Act 1

ACT I

(It’s the 1990s.  An enraged Lorena Bobbitt enters her bedroom to find her husband fast asleep.  She raises her hands.  She’s holding a man’s shirt with a lipstick stained collar in one hand and a butcher’s knife in the other.  She breaks out in song.)

SONG TITLE: “Chop it Off”

LORENA BOBBITT:

He cheated…again!

(Chorus girls fill the stage, all dressed like neighborhood housewives.)

CHORUS:

He cheated again!  Why, oh why can’t you see?

LORENA BOBBITT:

That he had carnal relations with someone other than me?

CHORUS:

Oui!

LORENA BOBBITT:

My eyes are open now!  It’s clear what I have to do!

CHORUS:

Get in the car and leave him now!  For divorce you’ll have to sue!

LORENA BOBBITT:

I’ll make it so he can never, cheat on me again!  I’ll separate him from, his tiny little friend!

(LORENA raises the butcher’s knife.)

CHORUS:

Um…no we were just thinking, that you could just take all his money in court.  Make him open his wallet, but to be violent is to be a bad sport.

LORENA BOBBITT:

But if he goes to court he’ll find another woman.  He’ll cheat on that poor girl too.  No, to end this vicious cycle, there’s only one thing left to do.

(LORENA belts out a showstopper.)

Oh…I’m going to….CHOP IT OFF!

CHORUS:

No, this plan will surely fail!

LORENA BOBBITT:

Yes, I’m going to chop it off!

CHORUS:

Think of the headlines!  Think of jail!

LORENA BOBBITT:

I’ll be a hero to every woman who ever got the jilt.  Now you can chop off your husband’s penis, and not feel any guilt!

CHORUS:

You should probably feel some guilt.

LORENA BOBBITT:

Yes, I’m going to chop it off!  Nobody can stop me now!  Oh, I’m going to chop it off!  I’m going to shout it loud!

(LORENA walks to the bed, raises the knife.  Stage goes dark.)

 

 

 

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Jan 13 2018
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Inappropriate Musicals, Uncategorized

Inappropriate Musicals

Hi 3.5 readers.  I’ve decided I’m going to write inappropriate musicals for awhile.  If anyone from Broadway is interested, let me know.  If you have an inappropriate topic for a musical, please share.

First up – Bobbitt!

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Jan 12 2018
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Toilet Gator, Uncategorized

Toilet Gator Second Draft Edits Resume – AGAIN

I hate it when you lose work and have to do it all over again.  I just feel like your first gut feeling is always the best, it’s impossible to recreate.

But try, I must, for the world needs, nay, DESERVES…TOILET GATOR!

toilet-gator-book-1

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