Fireworks. Booty shaking. Q-Bert-esque Stage. Athlete parade.
Makes me wish I’d played a sport when I was younger but no way Uncle Hardass was getting up at 3 a.m. to drive me to practice.
Is there really an Olympic trampoline event?
I wonder what other obscure events there are.
If there is an Olympic pizza eating competition I’m bringing home the gold in 2020, bitches.
Happy 4th of July, 3.5 Readers.
Feel free to tell me your favorite patriotic book in the comments.
Happy 3rd of July 3.5 Readers.
Here’s my grill at BQB HQ:
What’s on your grill, 3.5?
Share with BQB in the comments.
Hey 3.5 readers.
Do you stumble upon this blog by accident? Were you looking for directions on how to get away from here?
Anyway, the world of Bookshelf Q. Battler can be very confusing. Here is a rudimentary guide that you should read immediately.
Drop everything you are doing, study it intently, and allow all other important doings in your life to be neglected.
Bookshelf Q. Battler.
Our humble poindexter’s life is so vastly complicated that everything you need to know to avoid confusion has been laid out before you as follows:
Part 1 – Bookshelf Q. Battler, the 3.5 Readers and the Magic Bookshelf – or, the Head Nerd in Charge, the people who waste their time on his schlock, and the mystical piece of office furniture that makes his life interesting.
Part 2 – The Magic Bookshelf Characters – aka the little people who are eating BQB out of house and home, when they aren’t trying to blow it up.
Part 3 – BQB’s Family and BQB HQ – Where BQB hangs his hat and the people (and dog) most welcome there.
Part 4 – The Aliens – The Mighty Potentate who has declared that Earth’s fate rests on BQB’s writing career (sorry, Earth) and Alien Jones, the being dispatched by the Potent One to watch…
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Sorry 3.5 readers.
I never did post the answers to this, did I?
The answers:
1) C – Uncle Hardass believes there’s no tougher job in the world than working at the salt mines. Whether you are president or a toilet scrubber, if you tell him you have a job anywhere other than the salt mines, he will address you as if you are a lazy bum that has no job.
2) B – BQB was a member of the Funky Hunks. He still gets checks for 3 cent residuals once a year. Some lady in North Dakota keeps buying the Funky Hunks’ jams.
3) B – BQB’s main squeeze is the incomparable Video Game Rack Fighter.
4) D – BQB is the assistant to the assistant to the vice-president of corporate assistance at Beige Corp., the world’s premeire producer of beige products and accessories. It is as exciting as the color the company is dedicated to.
5) B – Indeed, BQB died on the porcelain throne after eating a lightning infused toaster pastry. A bolt of lighting tore out of his tucas with roughly the strength and speed of a thousand jet engines. God allowed him to return for a second chance at life and he has used this chance to entertain 3.5 readers.
6) A – Leo claims to have once delivered a sandwich to James Van Der Beek and therefore as the man who delivered a sandwich to James Van Der Beek, claims that he is the most famous man in East Randomtown. Further, he sees BQB’s blog with 3.5 readers as a threat to his fame.
7) D – The Burger Wagon has not yet sponsored this fine blog, but BQB is currently in negotiations.
8) D – Yetis, backward in technology as they are, prefer Commodore 64s.
9) D – Dr. Hugo invented all three of these fine inventions.
10) C – Intergalactic fast food workers are no better than the ones we have on Earth. The Mighty Potentate has often threatened Alien Jones with vaporization for failing to bring back honey mustard for his chicken fingers.
Really, you hate to be a dick, but you’ve got to look in that bag before you pull away from the window. Don’t trust those minimum wage slaves. They don’t make enough to care about your taste buds.
In honor of the two year anniversary of bookshelfbattle.com, test your knowledge vis a vis all things Bookshelf Q. Battler.
Post your answers in the comments. Answers to come later. Prize=absolutely nothing. This blog has no budget.
QUESTION 1
Uncle Hardass wants you to get a job at:
A. McDonald’s
B. The Manure Factory
C. The Salt Mines
D. A Nissan Sentra Dealership
QUESTION 2
BQB was once a member of which late 1990’s/early 2000’s rap duo:
A. The Sweaty Boys
B. The Funky Hunks
C. West Street Posse
D. The Hairy Chest Duo
QUESTION 3
BQB’s current girlfriend is:
A. Blandie Settler
B. Video Game Rack Fighter
C. The Hot Ass Blonde Chick from Network News One
D. Katie Sackhoff-bot
QUESTION 4
BQB’s employer is:
A. Tan Stuff Unlimited
B. Grey Wonder Shop
C. Stucco Shack
D. Beige Corp.
QUESTION 5
BQB once died on the toilet after eating…
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Hey geeks, nerds and assorted poindexters.
BQB here.
How the West Was Zombed is climbing back up the Wattpad Horror charts!
Currently #220!
Read. Follow me. Vote. Comment. Help me make the zombification of Wild West that much better.
I’m not going to write a very in-depth review, but it was cute, funny, and they took the concept of an app based video game that requires you to shoot birds with a sling shot at pigs and make a whole movie about it.
Worth checking out.
And finally, the post that started it all. The Top Ten Warning Signs That Your Girlfriend Might Be a Damn Zombie.
If your girlfriend is falling apart emotionally, it’s probably your fault for being a lousy ass boyfriend.
But, if she’s falling apart literally and still moving around and/or trying to feast on your brains then she may very well be a damn zombie.
From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, the Top Ten Signs that Your Girlfriend Might be a Damn Zombie:
10. She’s been nibbling on your ear a lot lately…but she never did that before.
9. She wants you for your brains. No, not the thoughts in your brains. You don’t have any because you’re stupid. She wants your actual brains.
8. She bumps into walls more than usual.
7. You handed her your credit card and shouted, “Free shopping spree on me, baby!” She sniffed said card and upon determining that it wasn’t brains, chucked it her over her shoulder.
6. She keeps trying to take selfies with other she-zombies but her lips keep falling off whenever she tries to do the duck face.
5. She looks really mad at you. You ask her why she’s mad at you and she’s all like, “Grr…argh…I think you know why…grr….”
4. She…
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A Brief History of the Cold War:
It started 5 minutes after World War II. The Russians tried to take over the US and force us to stand in line for toilet paper and turn all our women into chubby babushkas named Olga.
Then Ronald Reagan put an end to all that bullshit by besting Mikhail Gorbachev in a best two out of three jello wrestling competition.
And then after that it looked like the Russkis were going to knock the shit off for awhile but you know, what with the rise of Putin and all, you might want to keep an eye on your girlfriend if she knows more quotes from the Communist Manifesto than from those romance movies in the previous post.
The Russians.
Oh sure, they say they want to be our friends but then as soon as we aren’t looking they kick the Ukraine in the balls and give East Europe a wedgie.
Let’s face it. For many Russians the Cold War never ended and they’re looking for their chance to spread communism across the globe.
Fellow American men, here are some warning signs that your girlfriend might in fact be a Russian spy:
10. You asked her if she is a Russian spy and her answer was “nyet.” Nyet, of course, is Russian for “no.” This is a clear sign your girlfriend is a Russian spy as an American woman would have responded, “No” or “Shut up and buy me something assface.”
9. You glanced at her cell phone and noticed she has “Putin” listed in her contacts.
8. She gets up in the middle of the night, strips naked…
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I got through this entire post without making a joke about witches riding a broomstick in an appropriate manner or you know as an innuendo for, never mind.
Witches are ladies, dammit and they don’t play that shit.
Witch.
Not exactly the nicest thing to call your girlfriend…unless she is one.
From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warnings Signs that Your Smoochy Poo might be a Witchy Poo:
10. She’s always green…even when she isn’t sick.
9. But unlike Kermit, being green is easy for her.
8. Whenever she leaves, your broomstick is nowhere to be found. That’s ok though because you weren’t that much of a housekeeper anyway you dirty slob.
7. You’re not entirely sure water would melt her, but now that you think of it, you can’t recall ever seeing her drink a bottle of Aquafina. Maybe she’s a witch or maybe she’s just not a dumb ass who is willing to shell out good money for bottled water when the tap is perfectly fine. (But seriously, if you two live in Flint, Michigan and she doesn’t drink…
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Bookshelf Battle 