If we’re basing it on just pure number of views alone, then it’s Bookshelf Q. Battledog. Apparently all I have to do to drive up site views is post more pictures of my man eating were-papillon licking his nose because the little guy has tricked everyone into thinking he’s adorable and not a trained furry, four legged ninja.
Who is your favorite character?
REAL NAME: Dr. Hugo Von Science
FORMER OFFICIAL TITLE: Distinguished Professor of Science, Advanced Science Institute of Science University (Professorship Revoked in 2015)
BIOGRAPHY: Dr. Hugo Von Science was once considered the greatest scientific mind of the modern age. He has patented over a million inventions,the most noteworthy including:
Dr. Hugo became known as “the most trusted name in science” by becoming an ambassador for all things methodical and rational. He appeared on many talk shows extolling the virtues of a scientific education and was a rock star to young science nerds the world over.
Many youngsters, BQB included, vied for coveted spots in his class at the Advanced Science Institute.
Dr. Hugo speaks with a thick German accent, referring to everyone as “mein leibchen,” a German term of endearment.
No one remembers when it started, but signs of bitterness have been working their way into Dr. Hugo’s personality for years. Perhaps it was one too many patents being absconded with by cold hearted corporations. Maybe it was one too many research grants being cut by the bean counters.
Whatever it was, Dr. Hugo would often make odd public statements, claiming he was working on inventions that he’d one day use to conquer the world, only to shout, “Woopsie! I vasn’t supposed to mention that just yet!”
If only Dr. Hugo’s absent minded rantings had been paid more attention to, a zombie apocalypse that devastated East Randomtown might have been avoided.
Enraged that useless reality television stars make more money that scientists do, Dr. Hugo turned a bunch of them into zombies. His revenge scheme got out of control when zombified celebrities spread the virus all over BQB’s hometown.
Dr. Hugo’s professorship was revoked and from his statue in the quad to the lecture hall that was named after him, the Advanced Science Institute worked overtime to cut all ties to the icon turned mad scientist.
He is currently at large. Authorities have been unable to capture him as he has been using his invention, the two-jump pogo stick, to launch himself wherever he wants to go in the world within two jumps.
The 3.5 readers are advised that if they see Dr. Hugo, they should not attempt to apprehend him themselves as he is considered armed, dangerous, and known to be smuggling multiple incredible exploding chinchillas in his teflon underpants at all times.
Even on the lamb, he continues, against BQB’s will, to file his column, “You Can’t Argue With Science.”
You really can’t, can you?
REAL NAME: Gertrude Scrambler
NICKNAME: Aunt Gertie
BIOGRAPHY: As aunt/adoptive mother of Bookshelf Q. Battler, Gertie and her husband, Hardassimo, were polar opposites when it came to parenting. Uncle Hardass was tough and strict, whereas Gertie encouraged BQB to pursue his dreams. As far as she was concerned, there was nothing little BQB could not do, and she wasn’t just saying that.
After her husband’s untimely demise, Aunt Gertie quickly embraced a life where she had no one else to take care of. Despite written demands in Uncle Hardass’ Last Will and Testament that the home he shared with Gertie be burned to the ground before being turned over to his lazy, good for nothing nephew, she gave it to her little bubalah anyway.
She then rented an apartment at Decrepit Oaks, but she’s barely ever there. She mostly uses it as a place to keep her stuff while she’s out drinking, dancing, partying, getting baked off mad crazy blunts, riding motorcycles and having obscene flings backstage at rock and roll concerts.
In other words, she’s doing her best to cram in all of the stuff she wishes she’d done when she was young before the Grim Reaper comes her way.
She was once a dedicated reader of the Bookshelf Battle Blog, but now looks at it as mundane and pedestrian. Everyone’s a critic.
Luckily, BQB was able to replace her with a podiatrist from Idaho who commented, and this is a direct quote, “I guess this is a good blog to read to pass the time while I’m taking a dump.”
Though he may have lost her as a reader, BQB never lost her as a supporter and confidant. Once in awhile, she even comes to the rescue.
REAL NAME: Hardassimo J. Scrambler
NICKNAME: Uncle Hardass
BIOGRAPHY: Hard work. It’s the mantra that Uncle Hardass lived his life by, and a virtue he pushed on his nephew/adopted son Bookshelf Q. Battler.
Ahh, even today one of BQB’s fondest/worst memories is when Uncle Hardass came home from work one evening to find a young BQB eating junk food and hanging out with a bunch of his friends.
Uncle Hardass shouted, “BQB, what the hell are you doing? Lollygagging around when decent folk are slaving away in the salt mines. Get a job ya’ bum!”
His wife, Aunt Gertie quickly replied, “Oh leave him alone, Hardassimo! You’re ruining his third birthday party!”
“That’s no excuse” was Uncle Hardass’ answer and it certainly wasn’t one for him when he was a boy. There is literally not a single time period of his life when he wasn’t working. Consider:
Yes, Uncle Hardass was busy one and he was sure to let others know it. On his way to work, he’d drive past East Randomtown Park and shout profanity at lousy hippies who were having picnics when they should be working. It was his favorite pastime.
He never slept, opting instead to take a second job as an overnight newspaper deliveryman. Many East Randomtown residents recall being woken up in the middle of the night by a fist pounding on their doors, followed by the voice of a gruff old man shouting, “Get up off your ass and read your damn paper, ya’ lousy hippie!”
BQB recalls an Uncle that was very hard on him. Uncle Hardass despises writers, openly mocking them with, “Oooo la dee da! I’m a writer! I have opinions! My voice must be heard! Bah, get a job at the salt mines ya’ lazy bastard!”
And while BQB ignored the advice about writing, he took the part about hard work and applies it to his craft.
Thus, our nerdy blog host will always have a love/hate relationship with his Uncle. Hardass often mocked BQB’s aspirations, but at the same time, was the only adult in his life who let him know that he wasn’t “a special snowflake” and would have to work hard to succeed.
BQB was saddened when Hardass died but saw a ray of sunshine in that he wouldn’t have to listen to his uncle criticize his every move anymore.
That ray lasted for five minutes, quickly disappearing when BQB came home from Hardass’ funeral only to find a ghostly apparition in his uncle’s form, shouting, “JESUS CHRIST, SHUT THAT F%$KING DOOR! WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO? HEAT THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD ON MY DIME? GET A JOB YOU LOUSY HIPPY!”
It should be noted that BQB does have a day job but that never mattered to Uncle Hardass. Whether you’re the President of the United States or a bus station janitor, if you don’t work at the salt mines, he’ll tell you to get a job. You’re just not working hard enough, and certainly not as hard as he ever did.
Alas, BQB will never know a life without a grumpy old man criticizing him. But luckily, Uncle Hardass has slowed down and embraced retirement in death, now spending most of his time watching TV and writing his column, “Things That Really Frost My Ass,” a litany of complaints about whatever is drawing his ire at any given moment.
Yes, if complaining ever becomes an Olympic sport, Uncle Hardass will win a gold medal.
Do you have something fun to complain about? Share it with Uncle Hardass and maybe he’ll share it in his next column.
REAL NAME: H’awa’lekquar Zalazalazalazalazaladimmadimaballa Koveenomix Tromphilogate Scriblero 17.5 Twanny Twim Twally Bolorolax Bek ZsaZsaGabor Heeka heeka heeka heeka AWOLLAGAX!
NAME HE LETS YOU USE BECAUSE YOU CAN’T PRONOUNCE THAT SHIT: Alien Jones
OFFICIAL TITLE: The Esteemed Brainy One
NICKNAMES: AJ (used by Bookshelf Q. Battler and friends around the turn of the second millennium. Jonesy (used by the bounty hunter he will work with towards the end of the second millennium.)
BIOGRAPHY: After proving his bravery on the battle field, in outer space exploration, and in multiple scientific disciplines, Alien Jones was appointed to the Mighty Potentate’s advisory board, better known as “The Council of Esteemed Ones.” Though the Mighty Potentate has the final say in all matters, they provided the Potent One with the information he requires to make a decision.
Each member of the council is an expert in a particular field. There’s the Esteemed Financial One, who oversees the Rakan Collective’s economy, the Esteemed Medical One, who serves as Surgeon General and then there’s The Esteemed Brainy One, or the being that is so knowledgable that the Mighty Potentate can rely upon him to provide advice on anything.
That position belongs to Alien Jones, and thus he is essentially the second most powerful being in the Known Universe.
Understandably then, the Esteemed Brainy One was none too pleased when he was assigned in 2015 to help BQB advance his writing career. So important was it to the Mighty Potentate that BQB write a novel so fantastic that it would inspire Earthlings to abandon reality television that he only trusted Alien Jones with this sensitive mission.
Internally, Jones disagrees with this mission and views it as beneath him. Often, he views BQB wasting time eating cookies and dancing in his underpants when he should be writing, leading him to question the Mighty Potentate’s claim that BQB is indeed the chosen one.
But he keeps a lid on his doubts because, as we all know, questioning the Mightiest of Potentates is a good way to get vaporized.
Jones has a lot on his plate. In addition to serving as the Esteemed Brainy One and as BQB’s advisor, he’s also a diplomat, explorer, and military operative, leaving him with many responsibilities to juggle.
On top of all that, he’s the author of “Ask the Alien,” a semi-regular column in which he uses his esteemed brain to answer any and all questions posed by BQB’s 3.5 readers.
If you have a question for Alien Jones, leave it in the comments on this site or tweet them to @bookshelfbattle
At this time, Jones has many supernatural powers, such as mind reading and the ability to cast force fields. However, the Mighty Potentate has foreseen that Jones will, at one point in the distant future, anger him so greatly that he will strip the Esteemed Brainy One of these powers, leaving him to earn his keep as a pilot for a down and out bounty hunter.
But that’s not something we early second millennium folks have to worry about.
REAL NAME: If he wanted you to know it, you’d know, pitiful human.
OFFICIAL TITLE: The Mighty Potentate
ALSO KNOWN AS: The Mightiest of Potentates, His Potentositude, His Potentosity, the Potent One
BIOGRAPHY: In the beginning, there was only the Vek.
HOW HE BECAME THE MIGHTY POTENTATE
They began as gray beings, approximately five feet tall, with skinny bodies, oversized heads, and large eyes.
Billions of years ago, on their home world of Vekto, this species rose from the primordial ooze and remained in a dark age period for countless millennia until one Vek discovered and developed a dastardly and devastating technology:
VAPORIZATION. The ability to turn a being into a misty cloud that eventually evaporates into nothingness.
Yes, with his vaporization cannon, this being declared himself the Supreme Overlord of Vekto. He did so with the best of intentions, demanding that all must abandon violence, greed, and corruption seek peace and prosperity lest they be vaporized.
It would become to be known as the “peace through vaporization” initiative.
Indeed, Vekto became very peaceful when that being vaporized everyone, becoming the last vek in existence.
After languishing alone for thousands of years, this being grew lonely and thus turned his attention to developing a new species – clones similar to the original vek, except he made them green and two feet taller so that he could easily kick their asses should they get out of line.
He called them “Vek 2.0” and made one very important improvement over those surly Vek 1.0 beings. He manipulated their genetic code to remove all genitalia and butts.
This being was a firm believer in the concept that sex had been the downfall of the Vek 1.0, that their constant wars were little more than chest puffery designed to attract quality mates. Remove genitalia and remove all violence.
Thus, as the only Vek left with a wang, he embraced his title, “The Potent One” or “The Mighty Potentate.”
He wasn’t wrong about his new creations. Without sex to confuse them, the Vek 2.0 embraced lives of education and higher learning, creating vast wonders unimaginable to the human brain.
They expanded past Vekto, contacting lesser species who, despite their primitive genitalia, were at least open minded and willing to learn the ways of peace and prosperity from the Vek 2.0.
Together, the Vek 2.0 and the new species they discovered united under the banner of “Rakan” a vek word that means “peace through vaporization.”
With over a hundred billion planets, citizens of the collective live highly productive lives, making new advancements in the arts and sciences daily, thanks to the fear that their ruler, the Mighty Potentate, will vaporize the shit out of them if they fail to do so.
But the Mighty Potentate is not without regrets. After vaporizing the Vek 1.0, he made a pact with himself that he’d never vaporize an entire species ever again, though he doesn’t let his subjects know that as he does not wish to lessen the power of his vaporization threats.
Still, this means that the Milky Way, Andromeda, and all points in close proximity thereto, are allowed to run wild, filled with the worse beings around, who do nothing but commit acts of violence and indecency all day long.
Referring to this section as “The Undesiredverse,” (i.e. the garbage planets he does not want), the Mighty Potentate does what he can to keep them contained and out of the Collective.
INVOLVEMENT WITH BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER
A fan of scripted media, the Mighty Potentate streams a lot of TV shows when he isn’t potentating. In the late 1990’s, he noticed a horrifying trend, that the humans were embracing reality television – programs in which morons are followed around by cameras that record them acting like morons.
The Potent One decided this could not stand and for years, searched for a human writer whose writing skills were such that he (or she) could be counted upon to produce a novel of such high quality that humans would be convinced to abandon reality TV altogether.
When he accidentally clicked on the Bookshelf Battle Blog, the Mighty Potentate declared Bookshelf Q. Battler to be the “Chosen One” and dispatched his emissary, Alien Jones, to assist BQB in his blogging efforts.
Since you’re not a citizen of the Rakan Collective, you’re not required to shout, “ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY POTENTATE” when you see the Potent One, but it could lessen your chances of getting vaporized.
NAME: The Yeti
OTHER NAMES: None. Only referred to as “The Yeti.”
OFFICIAL TITLE: International Fuzzy Monster War Criminal
BIOGRAPHY: Hailing from the frozen wastelands of Siberia, the Yeti was the leader of a group of yetis who believe that there should be no fun or entertainment of any kind in the world whatsoever. “From the day you are born, you should do nothing but stare at the dirt until its time for you to return to it,” is an old yeti proverb.
To be fair, there are many progressive yetis in the world who embrace science, technology, entertainment and more. Many yetis have spoken out against The Yeti’s quest to impose old fashioned yeti ways on the world.
Oh, and it should be noted that yeti related discussions tend to become confusing as every yeti goes by the name of, “The Yeti.”
This particular yeti is a dangerous one. In early 2015, he circumvented the Bookshelf Battle Compound’s security system, bested security chief Bookshelf Q. Battledog, and took Bookshelf Q. Battler and the Bookshelf Battle Blog hostage for over a month.
Luckily, BQB was able to best the Yeti in a best two out of three roundhouse kick to the face competition.
Relying on his scientific training, BQB built cold storage prison cell in his basement, where the Yeti currently resides (voluntarily as of mid-summer 2015).
Oddly enough, after being around BQB for awhile, the Yeti began to embrace entertainment. He has been free to go for quite some time, but makes up excuses that he’s still a prisoner so that he continue to watch BQB’s television and eat all his snacks.
When questioned about this, the Yeti feigns a continuing hatred for entertainment and a love of boredom, then proceeds to binge watch TV shows when no one is looking.
Sometimes he even does it when people are looking, such as on Scandal night, a weekly tradition in BQB HQ in which all characters report to the couch to watch the Kerry Washington hit show.
The Yeti pretends as though this is a terrible punishment, but then watches the program intensely anyway, often interrupting to ask questions about the plot and what other movies/shows the actors have appeared in.
And he also eats the seven-layered dip brought by Alien Jones.
NAME: Bookshelf Q. Battle Dog
NICKNAME: BQBD
TITLE: Chief of Security of Bookshelf Battle Headquarters
BIOGRAPHY: Bookshelf Q. Battledog began life as a tiny papillion puppy, purchased in a batch of a hundred puppies purchased by the Advanced Science Institute of Science University to be used in a project led by Dr. Hugo Von Science to see whether or not it was possible to splice werewolf DNA into small dogs.
Dr. Hugo assured his students, one of whom was Bookshelf Q. Battler, that this project was “purely for scientific research purposes only and was in no one an attempt by him to spread chaos across the world by introducing an infestation of tiny, harmless looking killer dogs that no one would ever suspect.
BQB grew rather attached to the dog assigned to him and when the Dean of Science University nixed the project due to a lack of funding, he took his new friend home, made him his pet, gave him a name and put him to work guarding his massive compound.
Mr. Battler trained BQBD in the way of martial arts, which helped our noble canine become grounded and centered, embracing a zen lifestyle in which he only focuses his intense rage on intruders. He’s devoured over 200 trespassers to date.
In his spare time, he is a voracious reader and an amateur philosopher. BQB and BQBD often engage in worldly discussions of an intense academic nature.
BQBD mostly communicates through a series of barks and woofs, yet BQB can still understand him. Very occasionally, BQBD will actually speak English, though how he’s able to do so or why he doesn’t do it more often is unknown.
REAL NAME: Victoria Gloria Somersby Stratenhaus
CODE NAME: Video Game Rack Fighter
NICKNAME: VGRF
OFFICIAL TITLES: Second in Command of the Bookshelf Battle Blog; Bookshelf Battle’s Video Game Correspondent; World Champion Car Thief Mayhem Player
BIOGRAPHY: Ms.Fighter was born in modest circumstances in West Randomtown, the town next door to East Randomtown, where our noble hero Bookshelf Q. Battler grew up.
She developed an interest in video games at an early age, playing the Atari while still in diapers. Over the years, she mastered all systems, including, but not limited to: Calicovision, the original NES, Sega, Super Nintendo, Game Boy, Nintendo 64, Game Cube, Playstations 1-4, XBox (Original – One).
A she-nerd in a time when nerds were social outcasts, Ms. Fighter preferred the virtual worlds of video gaming to her actual one and often imagined herself as a character in them. She did this so much that she experienced a psychological issue that made her believe the various video game toys she kept on her video game rack were a) alive and b) her friends. She eventually got a grip on reality but from time to time, likes to pretend that her favorite characters are only a call away if she needs them.
Mr. Battler and Ms. Fighter viewed themselves as oddballs and never thought they’d find anyone who’d understand them until they met each other on a quest to find the meaning of life.
They quickly discovered they have a ridiculous amount of things in common. Ms. Fighter is the Assistant to the Assistant of the Vice President of Corporate Assistance at Drying Paint Media, the world’s premiere of videos of paint drying on walls.
Similar to the path taken in life by BQB, Ms. Fighter acquired this position after an ex-boyfriend informed to her that her desire for a job in the video game industry would take her nowhere.
She now resides in Bookshelf Battle Headquarters and is generally considered Second-in-Command of the Bookshelf Battle Blog, often called on to take over when BQB is sick or in the midst of battle with one of his many enemies.
Together, BQB and VGRF work their day jobs, then come home to support one another in their true passions, writing for BQB and video gaming for VGRF.
Ms. Fighter is currently developing an indie game for tablets called “Weasel Catapult.” The object is to fling weasels as far as possible until they finally slap up against a wall to hilarious and comical effect.
Among her many accomplishments, she is the world champion in Car Thief Mayhem, and thus BQB usually just lets her drive.
REAL NAME: Eduardo Ricardo Papageorgio Von Finklestein
CODE NAME: Bookshelf Quvenzhané (Q.) Battler
NICKNAME: BQB
OFFICIAL TITLE: A World Renowned Poindexter, Reviewer of Pop Cultural Happenings and a Champion Yeti Fighter
BIOGRAPHY: As a young boy, BQB was abandoned by his biological parents, left on the doorstep of his Aunt Gertie and Uncle Hardass (i.e. Mr. and Mrs. Scrambler) with nothing but the clothes on his back and a magic bookshelf.
Growing up, it was an interesting existence in the Scrambler household. Aunt Gertie was carefree and nurturing whereas Uncle Hardass, a longtime advocate for the virtue of a hard day’s work, attempted to get his nephew a job at the salt mines on his third birthday. Despite disguising young BQB with a fake mustache and claiming the lad to be an adult little person, the foreman was a wily one and not to be fooled.
There are no words that adequately capture the sense of wonder Mr. Battler felt when he put a book on his shelf for the first time only to have the characters pop out in little versions of themselves and talk to him. The first such characters to do this were Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson (created by the esteemed Sir Arthur Conan Doyle).
Other characters would follow to keep the boy company, which he desperately needed as no one at school wanted anything to do with such a prominent poindexter. (Back in those days, geek/nerd culture just wasn’t as accepted as it is today. Pioneers like BQB made it possible for you to let your nerd flag fly today, millennial nerds.)
Uncle Hardass’ lessons in stick-to-it-tivity were not lost on our nerdy hero. As a young man, BQB held a number of positions, including, but not limited to: dog, hamster, rabbit, and ferret walker, catapult repairman, donkey washer, parking lot valet, gum scraper, fungus cleaner, hand model, toilet scrubber, taco chef, pizza delivery man and amateur thumb wrestler.
It wasn’t easy juggling all of those jobs, but he did it to put himself through college at the Advanced Science Institute of Science University, where he trained in the ways of science under the highly respected scientist, Dr. Hugo Von Science.
After graduation, Mr. Battler declined opportunities in the science industry to focus on his true passion – writing. In his youth, BQB spent many a night writing stories, beginning with his first epic, The Attack of the Killer Mutant Fish. It was universally panned by the magic bookshelf characters, who were kind enough to listen to BQB recite his tales.
BQB landed a job as a staff writer at The Encylopedia Factory, which paid him a modest wage to write articles about the world all day long. It wasn’t much, but it was a foot in the door in the industry he loved, so it made him happy.
Unfortunately, his girlfriend at the time, Ms. Bland Life “Blandie” Settler was anything but. After viciously ridiculing BQB’s desire to become a successful writer (as well as making a number of slanderous and false statements about BQB’s prowess in the boudoir), Blandie dumped BQB like yesterday’s garbage, leaving our nerdy hero depressed, heartsick and forlorn.
He threw away his pens, pencils, notebooks and other writing paraphernalia and went to night school to retrain in the field of business, as he believed that becoming a rich, douchy businessman was the only path to winning the love of a woman.
Upon graduation from the Advanced Business Institute of Business University (under the tutelage of noted businessman Dalton Von Business), BQB quit his beloved job as an encyclopedia writer to take an entry level position as the Assistant to the Assistant of the Vice President of Corporate Assistance at Beige Corp, the world’s premiere producer of beige products and supplies. If you want a drab color that doesn’t make a statement, contact Beige Corp. today!
Mr. Battler assumed this position would be a mere stepping stone on his way to becoming a fabulously wealthy hot chick attracting businessman but alas, many years later, he still holds the same job, only makes a few cents more than he did as an encyclopedia writer, and often wonders what his life would have been like had he spent his time pursuing the career he wanted rather than the one everyone else wanted him to want.
In 2014, a depressed and dejected BQB was stuffing his face hole with a burrito in a Taco Bell parking lot when it occurred to him that self publishing technology had grown to the point where it was possible for him to pursue a writing career in his free time.
The Bookshelf Battle Blog, located at bookshelfbattle.com, was born and BQB spent most of 2014 figuring out to blog. He’s still working on it. If you’ve figure it out, let him know.
While the blog began as a tribute to BQB’s favorite literature, past and present, along with scenes of the battles that rage across his magic bookshelf, it eventually morphed into a chronicle of his efforts to become a successful writer, and the adventures that occur along the way.
Aliens, zombies, an evil yeti, bookshelf characters that run up his credit card bills and destroy his house – Mr. Battler is a magnet for all things supernaturally weird but somehow he always saves the day, because when it comes down to it, BQB may not be much to look at, but he is a survivor.
Bookshelf Battle 