MTV is advertising a TV series called The Shannara Chronicles based on the book series by Terry Brooks.
Just seemed like cool book related nerd news to share, so there you go, 3.5 readers.
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Tag Archives: Fantasy
Ask the Alien – Pandora Spocks – Who is Jon Snow’s Mother?
Greetings Earth Losers!
The Esteemed Brainy One
Before I begin this week’s edition of “Ask the Alien,” the only column that allows Earthlings to consult the wisdom of a higher species in an effort to make your world a smarter place, my Supreme and Unquestionable Overlord, the Mighty Potentate, has asked me to repeat an announcement he made earlier this week:
Our planet, whose name is none of your business, is not Kepler 452-b. There is no life on that planet and no, there are not really aliens who live there who have been instructed to turn off all the lights until your satellite leaves. Also, stop using the satellite to beam reality television programs into this planet’s air waves. If anyone lives there, they are most likely an asexual race and thus have no use for your Kim Kardashian.
In summation, nothing to see here, so moving along.
I mean there. “Here” would mean I’m transmitting from there and haha, that’d be most unlikely.
Now then. On with the show!
This week’s question comes from Pandora Spocks of the “Adventures in Date Night” Blog.
Ahh date night. What a lovely concept. As mentioned above, my species is asexual, but we are each assigned a government mandated life mate by the Mighty Potentate’s administration.
It’s more or less a glorified buddy system. Cloning is expensive so each alien has another alien to keep track of. Lose track of your buddy and, you guessed it, you’ve got a date with the vaporizer.
Not as romantic as locking eyes with that special someone across the dance floor for the first time, but when Clone #9847611XR9 rolled off the assembly line, I knew there was something special about him, more so than the millions of other clones who looked and acted just like him.
He was given a traditional name, one like mine that you’d have to tie your human tongue in knots to pronounce, but for purposes of this blog, I’ll refer to him as Alien Rosencrantz.
Yes, Alien Rosencrantz and I try to keep our relationship fresh. No matter how busy our schedules are, we always make time on Saturday night to analyze specimens with a billionth power microscope.
Never turn put your own relationships under a billionth power microscope, 3.5 readers. Sometimes some aspects of amore just need to remain a mystery.
By the way, this “he” word. The aliens on my planet? Words like “he” or “she” don’t apply. Alas, your primitive language doesn’t have a word to refer to someone whose neither a male or a female other than “it” and since Alien Rosencrantz and I are greater than mere objects, I suppose “he” will have to do.
Now then! Onto Ms. Spocks’ inquiry:
Who is Jon Snow’s mother?
Ahhh! A true question for the ages!
First, any of the 3.5 readers who wish to remain SPOILER free should exit the blog immediately. Actually, don’t exit it all the way. Click on some of the other links and buttons to get Bookshelf Q. Battler’s hit rate up. I really need to get the Mighty Potentate off my ganderflazer.
As you might recall, I briefly appeared in BQB’s work of fanfiction, A Game of Yetis.
The premise was that Lord BQB of House Bookshelf takes on Lord Yeti of House Yeti over the theft of BQB’s Dew of the Mountain. The story was supposed to end with the Khaleesi and I flying to Yetifell and burning up all those smelly snow-squatches with the assistance of dragonfire, but alas there was this transmission:
Alien Jones! Tell BQB to cease that insipid fan fiction immediately! If there’s anything I despise more than reality television it’s fan fiction!
– The Mighty Potentate
P.S. Do my bidding or its the vaporizer for you, and I’m not talking about that device the humans use to breathe in eucalyptus when they have colds.
He was talking about the device he has that turns disobedient aliens into a fine mist. Anyhoo! 660 words in, let’s get to Ms. Spocks’ question.
What the show has told us thus far:
- Ned Stark, whilst facing a battle he was unlikely to come back from, ignored his marital vows to Lady Catelyn and engaged in the hokey pokey with a random hussy.
- Unexpectedly, he returned from battle in a most glorious manner with baby Jon Snow, “Snow” being the name given to bastards in Winterfell. Things have gotten better since olden times. It’s less proper to just randomly refer to an out of wedlock child as a bastard. Alas, for poor Jon, it’s “Hello bastard” and “What do you want, bastard?” and “Did you forget you’re a bastard?” every five seconds.
- Ned promised to one day tell Jon the truth about his mother, but alas, his head was chopped off. (Hey, I warned about the SPOILERS.)
That’s why (SPOILER!) Jon Snow’s death at the end of last season was so upsetting. After all, since we were informed there was something more to be told about Snow’s mother, it’s kind of a massive plot hole if that question remains unanswered.
The prevailing theory in Game of Thrones fandom is as follows:
- Robert Baratheon, who Ned’s sister Lyanna had been promised to, believed Rhaegar Targaryen (son of the then king) had kidnapped Lyanna and was so angry about it that he led a daring rebellion that caused the Mad King to be overthrown.
- Ned’s sister Lyanna Stark and Rhaegar Targaryen were actually in love and Lyanna ran away with Rhaegar willingly.
- Lyanna and Rhaegar did the hibbitty dibbitty and baby Jon Snow was the result.
- Lyanna Stark died in childbirth.
- Rhaegar died when Robert Baratheon knocked the snot out of him with his mighty war hammer, sending a spectacular spray of jewels from Targaryen’s fancy armor everywhere.
- Ned Stark was left with a difficult burden. Of course, he wanted to save his dear nephew. And of course, the most respectable character in the whole series would never have cheated on his beloved Catelyn.
- But, Robert Baratheon is kind of an angry dingus and would have had Jon Snow killed.
- Thus, Ned lied, made up a story about a random hussy he knocked boots with, and had to endure Catelyn hating him for strange on the side that he never even got in the first place!
Could this theory be accurate? Who knows, but there’s a scene in Season 5 where Littlefinger hints to Sansa that her aunt Lyanna may not have been kidnapped after all.
There you have it, 3.5 readers! And thank you to Pandora. May you continue to regale us with tales of your date nights and inspire couples across the cosmos to take time to add spice to their romance.
Alien Jones is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Submit it to Bookshelf Q. Battler via a tweet to @bookshelfbattle, leave it in the comment section on this site, or drop it off on the Bookshelf Battle Google + page. If AJ likes your question, he might promote your book, blog, or other project while providing his answer.
THE ALIEN JONES GUARANTEE: If you don’t like his response, just let him know and he’ll file it into the recycling bin of his monolithic super computer. No muss, no fuss, no problem.
Time Magazine’s List of 61 People Who’ve Died on Game of Thrones…
…also with the likelihood of whether or not they’ll return. (0% for most of them)
Thanks Time. I’d forgotten most of these characters already.
How Game of Thrones is Like Real Life (Season 5 Finale Review)
Hello 3.5 Readers,
Does this mean by Jon Snow action figure goes up in value?
Quite a surprise ending for Season 5, wasn’t it?
I’ve finally processed my grief and am now able to talk about it but first, let’s talk about real life.
That’s right. I’m talking about the life outside of Game of Thrones, the one without the dragons, or the Khaleesi, or the epic battles or a functionally alcoholic dwarf who manages to save the day despite his ennui.
“If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.”
That’s an old cliche, isn’t it? It holds up though. So many of us work our little butts off. We toil away, we make goals, figure out the steps we need to take to work towards them and do what we can to achieve them.
Sometimes things work out for us. Other times, and usually more often than not, we fall flat on our faces.
3.5 readers, who among you has locked up your emotions with a significant other you trusted not to screw you over? Surely, at least one of you convinced yourself your girlfriend, boyfriend, spouse, partner, whatever was “the one” and you built your life around said individual.
Maybe you were planning to get married or hell, maybe you DID get married. God, maybe you even brought kids into the world with this person. Or maybe you didn’t. Maybe you just walked around telling your friends and family what a reliable, dependable person this guy or gal was.
Then one day…boom! Gone.
POSSIBLE BREAK-UP LINES USED ON YOU:
- It’s not you, it’s me.
- It was you all along.
- I hate your face.
- Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You.
- TEXT MESSAGE: U IZ DUMPD
- TWEET: #UIZDUMPD
- FACEBOOK: You’re dumped. Here’s a funny cat video I hope will help you get through it.
Forget relationships. Maybe you’re career aspirations did not go how you planned them. You went to college, selected a major, gained useful experience and boom! You’re riding the pine on the ‘rents’ couch because the economy stinks worse than a wookie during mating season on Kashyyyk.
Maybe everything did go right. Maybe you did find that awesome job and that awesome significant other.
Maybe one day you’re walking across the street, you’re thinking, “Wow, everything sure did work out for me and OH NO! A damn Mac Truck just ran over my face.”
Life. Whether it’s romance or careers or dreams, there’s just no guarantee of success and everything can go turn to crap in an instant.
Now, add in the dragons, and the sword fights, and the Khaleesi and you have Game of Thrones, a fantasy show that is as close as a program can get to real life and still feature a red headed witch with the ability to push smokey ghost assassins out of her cooter.
Attorney Donnelly preemptively apologizes to anyone offended by my use of the word “cooter.” Also, please read Pop Culture Mysteries. I’m pretty proud of that one.
In real life, there’s what you wanted to happen AND what did happen.
I, your illustrious blog host Bookshelf Q. Battler, will now analyze the past season/final episode with through those two points of view.
SPOILER WARNING!!!! DON’T READ IF YOU DON’T WANT ANYTHING SPOILED!
GAME OF THRONES – HBO – SEASON 5 TRAILER – THE WHEEL
THE BIG SURPRISE – JON SNOW
WHAT I WANTED TO HAPPEN – Jon Snow to continue into the next season as the man standing between Westeros and the White Walkers.
WHAT DID HAPPEN – The Night’s Watch turned on their leader in a big way.
Jon Snow was named Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch this season. His men grumbled about his decisions but they also gave every indication of, “Well, this is a military organization so we have to follow orders even when they piss us off.”
Jon grew so much this season, moving from dopey pretty boy to battle hardened leader. He made a tough call with the Wildlings.
The Night’s Watch Brothers are understandably unhappy with the decision to save the Wildlings. These are people who have killed several brothers as well as innocent bystanders – men, women and children. Sure, the Wildlings’ reasoning is, “Hey! You put up a big ass wall and locked us out of the Kingdom!” but the justification is, “Of course we did! You guys are a bunch of aholes and are basically snow covered Dothraki!”
SIDE NOTE: The genius of the books/series is that nothing is ever black and white. George RR provides reasoning and justification for why every characters acts the way that they do, even the worst ones. Their actions aren’t necessarily right, but you’re left with an understanding of the events that led to a person becoming an evil jerkface.
I get that no character is safe but so much was built up around Jon snow:
You know nothing – Am I the only one who thought all of those, “You know nothing, Jon Snows” would eventually lead to a big reveal where Jon Snow would learn something, whatever it was that he was supposed to know?
Jon Snow’s Mother – (Possible Big Spoiler) – In the first season, we learn that Ned brought baby Jon Snow back to Winterfell, a bastard he had with some allegedly random hussy because while he loved Cat and all, he thought he was going to die during Robert’s Rebellion so he might as well get a little somethin’ somethin’ on the side and woops! We won the war! Guess Ned has some ‘splaining to do.
Ned tells Jon he’ll fill him in on his mother one day. Will we ever find out who Jon’s mother is now? Will it matter if/when we do?
There’s been a long bandied about theory (POSSIBLE BIG SPOILER!) that Jon was not actually Ned’s kid but rather, was the love child of Lyanna Stark (Ned’s sister betrothed to Robert Baratheon) and Rhaegar Targaryen, that Lyanna wasn’t actually kidnapped but in fact, she ran away willingly with Rhaegar and as a Targaryen, Jon had the closest link to the throne and Ned felt the need to protect his nephew from Robert by claiming him as a bastard, even if that meant enduring Cat’s constant, “Waah waah Ned cheated on me while he was at war” complaints.
Is that theory possible? Who knows now but here’s a question – was noble Ned really the cheating type?
This is what George RR does and does best. He builds up our hopes and dreams. Like Lucy from Peanuts, he holds that damn football. Like the gullible Charlie Brown, the dumb audience comes running up to kick that football and then bam, George, like Lucy, pulls that football away. He does it every time and we keep watching because in many ways, those big shockers make for thrilling television.
GRRM did it with Rob Stark, when the Young Wolf won battle after battle against the Lannisters only to be gutted at the Red Wedding. He did it with Prince Oberyn when we were led to believe that the Viper had bested the Mountain only to gloat just a little too early. And now he’s done it with Jon Snow.
Sure, Jon’s untimely demise made for a big “HOLY CRAP” moment but whether or not it pans out as a good decision for the series remains to be seen. After all, we invested a lot in Jon Snow. Aside from the Khaleesi and Tyrion, he was pretty much the last good guy worth rooting for.
Sam’s a fun character but will it be as invigorating to watch him stand between Westeros and the White Walkers? Will we cheer on the Night’s Watch when they betrayed their Lord Commander? Seriously, other than Dany, who’s left to like now?
SIDE NOTE: In keeping with the GOT = Real Life argument, keep in mind at this point, the more likely outcome is not that Dany swoops into Westeros and saves the day but rather, that the Whitewalkers just take over the entire fantasy world and have a great undead time into all eternity. I can honestly see GRRM taking that approach, can’t you?
CERSEI
WHAT I WANTED TO HAPPEN: Cersei refuses to confess. Tommen grows a pair and sends the army to retrieve his wife, mother and brother-in-law.
WHAT DID HAPPEN: Tommen reverts to being an indecisive wuss. Cersei confesses, goes on the worst walk of shame ever and still has to undergo a trial anyway.
Cersei’s the character fans love to hate. The running pattern in the show is that she concocts these schemes, thinks she’s so clever and then her plans backfire royally. That happened again this season. By giving the High Sparrow the power of a religious army, she thought she’d developed her own personal hit squad to take out her enemies, namely the Tyrells.
It all backfired when the High Sparrow turned on her and locked her up.
Cersei’s done a lot of bad things to good people (most notably Ned) but on the other hand, that whole “walk of shame” scene was sad to watch and surely it would be a painful experience for anyone to go through.
Hat’s off to Lena Headey. I’m sure walking around in the buff whilst surrounded by throngs of fantasy peasant extras spitting on you, throwing garbage and uh, other substances at you and hurling insults was no easy feet.
SIDENOTE: Remember how Lady Stoneheart was axed from the series, that the idea was a little farfetched? But uh, Frankenmountain isn’t? Clyburn introducing his “creation” kind of blew the end of that very powerful walk of shame scene. The emotion was raw and real and then it went basically went to a Frankenstein monster to defend Cersei’s honor.
JAIME/MYRCELLA – I’m going to rush through this one. I wanted Myrcella to live because, hey, she’s just a kid. Why punish her when she didn’t do anything? Alas, Jaime gets that briefest of father/daughter moments before seeing his offspring die due to Ellaria’s treachery. Prince Doran won’t be happy.
STANNIS/SANSA/REEK/BOLTONS/RED WOMAN
WHAT I WANTED TO HAPPEN: Stannis ousts the Boltons, frees Sansa. Sansa finally gets to have somewhat of a normal existence where she isn’t a captive or a torture victim.
WHAT DID HAPPEN: As often happens in real life, the bad guys aka the Boltons, won.
Perhaps GRRM’s intent in having Stannis sacrifice Shireen was to turn him from good to bad guy, thus leaving the audience pleased at his defeat.
Stannis started out in the series as the ruthless “win at all costs” warrior, too blindly devoted to the Red Woman, willing to even kill his own brother (through the above mentioned cooter delivered smoke ghost assassin) to get what he wants.
But then Stannis scored points and his stock rose. He was the only one to respond to the Night’s Watch calls for help, bringing his men to save the day during the Wildling attack. He told Shireen that she was a princess and that he had always seen to it that she’d be treated accordingly despite her ailment.
GRRM convinced us. Go Stannis. Kick out the dastardly Boltons. Punish them for their betrayal of the Starks. Save Sansa.
Alas, then there was what happened to Shireen and well, the battle became a conflict between two aholes (Bolton vs. Baratheon) and as often happens in life, you were left tepidly rooting for the lesser of two aholes.
What about Lady Melisandre? Some powerful acting there. She presents herself as the consummate, unshaken true believer in the Lord of Light yet when the audience learns half of Stannis men have fled with the horses, you can see the look of defeat in her eyes.
Here’s a question – would you keep fighting for a guy who cooked his daughter alive? Could that have been a big reason why his troops skeedaddled?
SIDENOTE: Will the Red Woman resurrect Jon Snow? Tough call.
1) We’re not sure if she can. Sometimes it is implied that she’s full of shit. She might have no magic power and all she does is pull creepy sayings out of her ass, throw a few powders into the fire, put on a little show and then she has the patronage and support of a rich royal family. She all but said that in a prior episode.
2) But she might be able do. I mean, hell, the woman did push a smokey ghost assassin out of her cooter, so bringing a dead man back to life should be a piece of cake.
3) Kit Harington, the actor who played Jon Snow, has already said in interviews that Jon isn’t coming back. I mean, that still doesn’t mean it’s impossible but it’s something to keep in mind. (Would an actor say, “Oh yeah! Don’t worry! The Red Woman will bring me back!” if that was going to happen?)
Still, I kind of doubt that’s going to happen.
SANSA AND REEK – Hey um, I’m surprised I’m the only one asking this, but are they dead? They’re pretty much dead, aren’t they?
The show runners were made a point to show the viewer just how tall that damn wall was, that there weren’t any beds of feathers or wagons full of pillows waiting at the bottom, and we even saw a person fall to her death from the inner side so…Sansa and Reek jumped just after Sansa declared she’d rather die than be tortured any more so uh….I don’t know. I fail to see how they’d of survived that fall but we didn’t see any bodies so I guess we wait until next season.
I have to say if Sansa dies it will be yet another, “God damn it. Another character I rooted for taken from me.”
ARYA
WHAT I WANTED TO HAPPEN: Arya continues her training
WHAT DID HAPPEN: Arya goes blind. I don’t know why. The Faceless Men have rules and she broke them.
THE KHALEESI
WHAT I WANTED TO HAPPEN: I wanted a damn explanation as to how the Khaleesi’s buddies survived the Sons of the Harpy attack after being abandoned by their Queen when she went on a dragon joyride. Also, I wanted her to return and continue to lead her army into Westeros, since now, without Jon Snow, she’s pretty much that continent’s only hope.
WHAT DID HAPPEN: The Khaleesi is captured by the Dothraki and this time does not have Khal Drogo to protect her. Hopefully, Mormont and Daario will find her in time.
But keep in mind, we’re onto your tricks, GRRM. We won’t be surprised if you have the Khaleesi get burned up by one of her dragons or killed by the Dothraki or something.
Hell, just give the Iron Throne to Sam Tarly or Hodor and be done with it.
Real life? You never get what you want and that’s why you never get what you want on this show either.
Game of Thrones Crossed Some Lines Tonight
Hey 3.5 Readers.
I’d like to go on a rant. Come with me, will you?
Let’s talk about tonight’s episode – Season 5, Episode 9, “The Dance of Dragons.”
I tend to be a zealous defender of free speech. I may disagree with you but I’ll defend your right to say it. And if you don’t like a TV show, I’ve always felt the better option is to change the channel rather than demand the show be shut down or changed to suit your opinions.
I never thought it was possible but there were some moments tonight where GOT made me think about changing the channel.
George RR Martin is a great writer. He’s a man who doesn’t just embrace his nerdyness but rather, allows his nerd freak flag to fly freely.
While other writers try to fit their works into commercially viable packages, GRRM dared to write a fantasy series geared toward adults even though the genre is historically for younger folks.
He’s the King of the fakeout with an uncanny ability to make you look left while the right hook is coming, even when he’s done it to you, the reader, several times before. Thus, the series is fabulous because there are real consequences.
There’s never a moment where you’re left thinking, “Well, that character’s safe because he/she is too important to the series.” Nope. Any character could buy the farm at any time and thus the stakes are high.
Many critics have said that HBO diverting from GRRM’s books would be a good thing, but allow me to defend my favorite sailor hat wearing writer but noting that Martin didn’t write either of tonight’s cross the line moments.
SPOILER ALERT.
It wasn’t a good night to be a kid on tonight’s episode.
First, Princess Shireen, much to my shock and dismay, was burned at the stake, a sacrifice that Lady Melisandre aka “The Red Woman” advises Stannis is necessary to appease the Lord of Light and lead Stannis’ army to victory.
I’m sorry, but when I’m looking for some Sunday night entertainment, the last thing I need to witness is a kid getting dragged to a pyre where she’s fried to a crisp. Anyone who finds that entertaining is a big time weirdo.
Moreover, the scene just didn’t make sense. Stannis had steadfastly denied the Red Woman’s demands for a sacrifice and up until tonight, had been Shireen’s champion, standing up for her when others called for her to be exiled when she contracted “Greyscale,” a loathsome lizard skin disease.
George RR Martin didn’t write that. In fact, there’s already a meme going around pointing out that Martin had Stannis demanding that should he die, his army is to go on in pursuit of the Iron Throne and if successful, to name Shireen Queen of Westeros.
Secondly, we learn that the dastardly Ser Meryn Trant is a horrendous pedophile. In a scene in a brothel, he rejects various offered ladies of the evening, demanding that a younger alternative be brought to him.
Additionally, Arya goes on a recognizance mission, spying on Trant while posing as a clam vendor. Everyone’s clothed but a) that a kid was actually brought out to appease Trant and b) just seeing the young Arya walking around in a brothel scene….it all disgusted me.
GRRM didn’t write that either as far as I know.
I get it. The show portrays a brutal and horrific setting where bad things happen, as they did during Earth’s own ancient times. Portraying Trant as a piece of human garbage will make the audience cheer that much more when he inevitably bites the dust. Meanwhile, the audience will likely rally around Ser Davos Seaworth as I’d be surprised he’d continue in Stannis’ service after what happened to Shireen. Pitting Seaworth’s loyalty to Stannis against his loyalty to Shireen (she taught him how to read and he clearly viewed her as the daughter he never had) will make for good drama.
Even so, and again in my opinion, as a society we need to protect kids and we just don’t need scenes like these on television.
The show ended on a high note with an epic scene in which Drogon the Dragon comes to the Khaleesi’s defense, protecting his mother from an attack by the Sons of the Harpy. Dany flies her dragon to safety, notably leaving her friends to fend for themselves but they’ll be fine. Tyrion will kick some ass.
I don’t know. I know this is all make-believe but the scenes with the kids just did not sit well with this reviewer at all.
EDIT: I’m hearing talk that GRRM apparently planned the Shireen being burned scene for the next book, Winds of Winter and the show just put the scene out tonight rather than wait for the book to come out. There’s even discussion that the show’s creators were surprised by GRRM’s decision but went with it.
Sigh. So much for my defense of GRRM.
Game of Thrones – Wrap-Up – Season 5, Episode 8 – Hardhome
SPOILERS!
It was an episode of firsts:
- Cersei gets a taste of the commoner’s life
- Arya gets her first mission
- Khaleesi and Tyrion meet for the first time
- Ser Jorah’s love for the Khaleesi is finally made known
- Theon/Reek finally admits he didn’t burn his adopted brothers
- The first white walker attack (pretty awesome, wasn’t it?)
By the way, anyone notice that Jon Snow killed a white walker without a piece of dragon glass?
Maybe because he carries the blood of the dragon?
WHAT?! MIND=BLOWN!
What say you, 3.5 readers?
Fake Book Review – A Dirge of Murder and Betrayal Series
A Dirge of Murder and Betrayal
A Six Part Book Series
AUTHOR: Joel LL Torrow
PUBLISHER: Drunken Elf Publishing Concern
YEARS OF PUBLICATION: 1985-Present
Character butcher. Fantasy master. Hat and vest enthusiast. Santa Clause look alike.
Prolific writer Joel LL Torrow has been called these names and more, though “Fat Pay Cable Check Casher” would be more suitable if it weren’t for the fact that he refuses to allow his fame and fortune to go to his head, opting instead to live just a notch or two above an Amish person.
He still uses DOS. He still utilizes an ancient blogging site. And we’re fairly certain he churns his own butter, though we’venever seen him do it.
Joel LL Torrow, Author of the Dirge of Murder and Betrayal Series
Where other writers have crumpled up their pages, declared their work to be too farfetched and thrown it into the trash can, Torrow was the man who boldly declared, “I’m going to pen an elaborately complicated series of fantasy books geared toward adults even though children are typically the fantasy genre’s target audience, AND it’s going to involve over 928 main characters AND I’m going to kill them all off constantly in weird unexpected ways.”
Yup. He said all that. I heard him.
Modest to a fault yet always good to his fans, Torrow recently held a Q and A session with his biggest fan, Bookshelf Q. Battler.
Queen Anara “Annie” Mistwake and her horse before it was transformed into a damn pegasus.
The following is the reading order of the series, along with a brief synopsis of each book:
Book 1 – A Match of Wits – All is well in the Kingdom of Wentzlendale. The citizens prosper, the crops grow thick, and the various ruling clans get along famously. Alas, peace is torn asunder when the dimwitted King Winkytiddles trips and falls down five hundred flights of stairs yet miraculously, manages to survive until he rolls out into a nearby pig farm and is eaten by ravenous swine, who leap on the chance for revenge against a Kingdom who has seen them as nothing but a source of bacon.
Weber and Sasha Prissypants, who respectively, hold the illustrious titles of Duke and Duchess of Shabadoo, believe their time has come. Days before his passing, Winkytiddles drew up his last will and testament, which clearly states that the crown shall transfer to the Duke, since Winkytiddles had no heirs, as he had never married because all women found him hideous and weird and all the gold pieces in the royal treasury were not enough to compensate.
But the Cleric of Chutzington has something up his sleeve. Tiddlywinks was, in secret, madly in love to a pillow he drew a face on, so much so that he pretended the pillow was his wife and even referred to three smaller throw pillows as their children. The oldest, or rather, the pillow Windkytiddles had sewn first had a boy’s face drawn on it and thus, threw a series of backroom deals, the Cleric convinces the Holy Keepers of the Kingdom to declare pillows to be people, thus mandating by law that the crown passes to Prince Stuffy the First, the deceased King’s eldest pillow son.
BOOK 2 – In the Pillow King’s Name – Clan Prissypants declares this turn of events to be outrageous. In a stirring speech, the Duke of Shabadoo declares, “It’s a f&*king pillow for f^%’s sake!” Clans Sprankledank and Gibblegobble agree, and the three march toward Wentzenfort, the capital of Wentzlendale, prepared to sack the city and take control of the Kingdom. They unite under a banner emblazoned with the motto that becomes the title of Book 3.
BOOK 3 – It’s a F&*KING PILLOW FOR F%*K’S SAKE! – Clans Dooradox, Schpratzenpatz and Donkenstein are all exceptionally religious, swearing undying loyalty to any proclamations made by the Holy Keepers, no matter how ridiculous, especially if they lead to a f%&king pillow being crowned King. Their armies gather around Wentzenfort, prepared to protect the city at all costs.
BOOK 4 – A RAY OF SUN IN THE DARKNESS OF CLOUDS – Anara “Annie” Mistwake, abandoned in a gloomy forest as a child and raised by a band of drunken elves learns that she is the last member of Clan Zoovarin, the family who manufactured the pillow known as King Stuffy the First. An interpretation of holy law suggests that the King Stuffy is therefore a descendant of the Zoovarin line and as the pillow’s elder sister, the crown is, by right, Annie’s. The drunken elves are magical and use their powers to turn Annie’s horse into a damn pegasus. Annie assembles a massive army of her drunken adopted elf relatives and prepares to march on Wentzenfort.
BOOK 5 – THE TOURNAMENT OF THE STAR QUARTER – The Pro and Anti King Stuffy sides agree to a momentary peace in the hopes that the question of who the crown belongs to can be solved in a tournament. The Pro Stuffy side choose Burt Frederickson, a soldier revered for his bravery in battle.
The Anti Stuffy side selects Antagonizer Stabsmore, Legendary Stabsmith of the Stabsmore Isles, where the inhabitants are trained to be especially stabby from an early age. Literally, all those people do is eat, drink and stab all day long.
In the tourney, Frederickson pummels Stabsmore within an inch of his life when the Duchess of Shabadoo breaks wind, thus distracting the would be champion and allowing Stabsmore to get the upper hand, which he uses to grind Frederickon’s face into a fine paste.
The Pro Stuffy side cry foul. The Anti Stuffy side declare fair is fair. All bets are off and the war carries on.
Book 6 – An End for Crying Out Loud Already – (coming soon this Fall) – Annie Mistwake flies over Wentzenfort, shouts, “Hey everybody! Look over there!” and then watches as her drunken elves slaughter both sides, leaving her the throne, to the delight of her legions of loyal fans who buy Torrow’s books just to take in her adventures.
Surprisingly, Annie’s rule lasts less than five minutes. Hungry from battle, she devours some expired cottage cheese and dies instantly.
King Stuffy the First is overthrown. No seriously. He is literally thrown into a trash can. The peasants of the land abandon the monarchy form of government, install a democratic system and only proceed to elect rulers that make them yearn for King Winkytiddles.
Thanks to the magic bookshelf, a tiny version of Anara Mistwake has been known to fly around the BQB compound. BQB has known her for years, yet she still insists on introducing herself and stating her multiple titles every time she sees him.
BQB’s attorney reminds readers this is a parody.
Game of Thrones Wrap-Up – Season 5, Episode 7 – “The Gift”
Finally! The Khaleesi and the Imp have met!
SPOILERS
The main point of contention of this episode comes at the end. The High Sparrow may have bitten off more than he can chew. Cersei has been his only royal benefactor so with her in the slammer there won’t be anyone to stop Tommen from sending in the army.
This is a show where no character is safe and I have to admit, I hope they don’t intend to kill Cersei off. (Don’t tell me if you know one way or the other).
She’s too important to the show. You love to hate her. She’s the last evil Lannister standing. (Jamie and Tyrion being good Lannisters.)
It’s funny, Cersei’s schemes always backfire but as she walked away from Margery’s cell with a smirk, even I thought “Finally! A Cersei scheme pans out for Cersei!”
I spoke too fast. It didn’t.
Come on, GOT peeps. Save Cersei.
Q and A with Legendary Fantasy Author Joel LL Torrow
What an amazing exclusive, 3.5 readers!
Joel LL Torrow, Author of the Dirge of Murder and Betrayal Series
Legendary fantasy author, the great Joel LL Torrow, after reading my tribute to him in Part 8 of Bookshelf Q. Battler and the Meaning of Life, was so moved that he contacted me to arrange for an interview, the transcript of which is below:
Q=Bookshelf Q. Battler
A=Joel LL Torrow
Q: Joel, thank you for taking the time to reach out to me. For anyone out there who might be living under a rock, I have to mention that you are the author of the spectacularly popular fantasy book series, A Dirge of Murder and Betrayal. Briefly stated, the story follows an epic struggle for power and control over the Kingdom of Wentzlendale.
You’re known as the author who isn’t afraid to kill off beloved characters so let me start by asking, who did you put on ice this morning?
A: Ha! That’s the first question everyone asks me. Let’s see, this morning I woke up, brushed my teeth and then while polishing off my usual breakfast of oatmeal and half a grapefruit, I had Sir Gremly, Vendo the Magnificent, and Hugh the Stable Keeper burned at the stake.
Q: Not Hugh!!!! He just returned from the Palisade Incursion and finally worked up the nerve to propose to Lady Farsquar!
A: That’s life. The best way to make the Holy Keepers of Wentzlendale laugh is to tell them your plans.
Q: Why not give the fans what they want though? Everyone was rooting for Hugh.
A: Life only goes according to plan for a small percentage of people. The rest struggle to cobble together some semblance of a life based on what fate allows them to have. Sure, there are many fans who don’t want Hugh to be burned at the stake. They’d rather see Hugh marry Lady Farsquar and live happily ever after. Then again, there are fans who totally relate. They have their own stories. “I was just about to propose to my love but then I lost my job, was stricken with a terrible illness, caught her cheating with my best friend and so on.
Q: Almost makes you wonder if Hugh got off easy by getting burned at the stake when you put it that way.
A: A tremendous amount of pain and then it’s all over vs. a life time of inner turmoil and regret over something that didn’t go your way. You be the judge.
Q. Who’s buying the farm in your next book?
A: I don’t want to give away any spoilers but things aren’t looking good for the Duke of Shabadoo.
Q. Finally! I hate that guy! But oddly enough, sometimes I like him too.
A: That’s another aspect of life. Things aren’t always black and white. Sometimes people do horrible things and yet you grow to understand why they did them when you realize who they are and where they came from. That doesn’t excuse it, of course, but things don’t happen in a vacuum. Better understanding of why people do what they do can help society find ways to stop bad behaviors in the first place.
Q. Do you take great pleasure in hoodwinking us? It never ceases to amaze me that even after we’ve come to realize that anything can happen to our favorite characters at anytime, you keep figuring out new ways to pull the rug out from under us.
A: Which time are you referring to? There have been so many.
Q. Take the Tournament of the Star Quarter, for instance. Burt Frederickson pummels Agitator Stabsmore within an inch of his life. Our hero is about to deliver the final blow when the Duchess of Shabadoo breaks wind, thus distracting Burt and giving Agitator the upper hand he needs to grind Burt’s face into a fine paste. I did not see that one coming.
A: Once again, that’s life. “I did not see that one coming” has been the famous last words for many people for many a moon.
Q: By the way, one thing I’ve noticed: some of your characters have interesting names like “Agitator Stabsmore” and “Anara Mistwake” but then once in awhile you’ll throw in someone with a name like “Burt Fredrickson.” Some say that’s another element of realism, that not everyone has a magnificent name in the real world. Between you, me and my 3.5 readers, are you just getting worn out coming up with new names and just grabbing some at random?
A: Guilty. I just use the names of people in my life when I can’t think of a good fantasy name. Burt Frederickson is my podiatrist. Good fellow. Has a clinic in a strip mall next door to a Ruby Tuesday’s.
Q. I recently predicted that the series will end when fan favorite Anara “Annie” Mistwake destroys all her enemies and is then named Supreme Super Queen of Wentzlendale only to unexpectedly die an agonizing, totally out of left field death when she stubs her toe and develops a nasty, fast moving staff infection.
A: I was actually going to go with food poisoning from expired cottage cheese but it’s like you’re reading my mind. I repeat, “that’s life.” Sometimes you get what you want and enjoy it. More often than not, you lose it to something you never could have predicted in a million years.
Q: I apologize if this is a rude question, but why do you always wear that hat and vest?
A: Not rude at all. You see, I’m not the best looking fellow and sadly, society puts a lot of stock in what people look like. For some reason, they think “well, that ugly person can’t be a good writer because if he had any brains he’d just use his mind to change his face” even though that’s scientifically impossible. So, I improvise. I just dress up like a quasi-fantasy character so people will see me and think, “Hey! He kind of looks like a wizard or something so he must be a good fantasy writer!”
Q. Kind of sucks being a writer sometimes, doesn’t it?
A: It does. Then again…fat stacks of cheese, bitches!!! WOOT WOOT!!!
You heard it here, 3.5 readers. Annie Mistwake’s going to croak from spoiled cottage cheese and Joel dresses like a quasi-fantasy character so people will accept him. Who knows? Next some random guy might pretend to own a magic bookshelf or something just because he fears readers won’t find him personally appealing.
The Bookshelf Battle Blog – the site for exclusive author interviews.
BQB and The Meaning of Life – Part 8 – Troublesome Characters
PREVIOUSLY ON BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER AND THE MEANING OF LIFE…
PARTS 1-5 – BQB dies after passing lightning from his posterior, visits God’s Waiting Room where Shakespeare tells him to seek the meaning of life.
PART 6 – BQB wakes up in the hospital. His doctor, who bet against him, is out 100 bucks.
PART 7 – Tessa and Jean Paul apologize for the fracas that led to BQB’s unfortunate injury. They freeze up when Aunt Gertie enters the room because BQB’s bookshelf characters trust no one but BQB.
AND NOW BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER AND THE MEANING OF LIFE CONTINUES…
One by one, over a hundred tiny lassos made out of dental floss were tossed up onto my bed, hooking onto various places – my pajama buttons, my fingers, the bed posts, and so on. And one by one, over a hundred tiny book characters climbed up on my bed, and then onto me, to check on my condition.
The Incorrigible Monroe, protagonist of a 1920’s novel of the same name, was decked out in his finest white linen suit. With a martini in his hand and a cigar in the other, he looked me over.
“I say Young Duffer,” the diminutive Monroe said with an air of upper crust sophistication. “I’d hate to see the other fellow you exchanged fisticuffs with.”
“It was a toilet,” I said. “I died on a toilet.”
“And like I said, Young Duffer,” Monroe said between cigar puffs, “I’d hate to see it.”
I always felt a special bond with Monroe. His novel was a heartbreaking tale of a man who spent his life as a notorious poser, accumulating wealth and spending lavishly on parties in the hopes that he’d win the heart of Jenny, a woman who had zero interest in him no matter how hard he tried.
I knew a thing or two about that.
The Three Musketeers plus D’Artagnan withdrew their swords, which at
D’artagnan should complain.
their size, were about as lethal as toothpicks.
“Enough of the petty squabbling among the inhabitants of your bookshelf, Mr. Bookshelf!” D’Artagnan said in a thick French accent. “Just say the word and we shall proclaim your shelf in the name of the King of France!”
“Why would I want my bookshelf to be claimed in the name of the King of France?” I asked.
“Because the cardinal sucks big time!” D’Artagnan replied. “You do not want your shelf ending up in the hands of the Cardinal!”
“I’m pretty sure it’s safe from the cardinal,” I said.
“If it’s all the same, we’re going to find some of the Cardinal’s men and kick their asses anyway,” D’Artagnan said.
“Knock yourselves out,” I said. “By the way, learn how to count. There’s four of you.”
I really need to get that book off my shelf.
Out of nowhere, a tiny zombie jumped up onto my nose and was about to sink its teeth into my schnoz when its head exploded. Behind him was Tiny Dirk Lane, holding a smoking pistol.
Dirk was the main character of The Shuffling Living. Set in a post-apocalyptic world with zombies run amuck, it was one of my favorite shows. I made the mistake of putting a book tied in to the show on my shelf and had been fending off puny one-inch tall zombies ever since.
“Thanks Dirk,” I said. “But if you’re out hunting zombies on the bookshelf tonight, can you keep it down?”
“What?” Dirk asked. “I’m supposed to just let the tiny zombies eat my friends?”
“No,” I said. “But you could grab a pencil off my desk and just slap them around with it instead.”
“I can do that,” Dirk said.
Good old Dirk. Always the voice of reason. I must have had a book based on the first season.
A buzzing sound filled the air. It sounded like the wings of a fly, but in actuality, the sound came from majestically small pegasus.
A minuscule fantasy queen was astride the flying horse. She landed her ride on my chest and addressed me in a royal manner.
Queen Anara “Annie” Mistwake, Keeper of the Legacy, Shimbala of the…blah blah blah. Wow she has a lot of friggin’ titles. This photo taken, of course, before her horse transformed into a damn pegasus.
“Akeeza doo walla walla chazza cho…”
“Please Annie,” I said. “Speak in the common tongue.”
“Very well,” Annie said as she dismounted her pegasus. “I am Anara Mistwake of the Family Zoovarin, Keeper of the Legacy, Shimbala of the Lowlands, Destroyer of Demons…”
“Oh my God,” Tessa said. “Not this spiel again.”
“Aunt of the Pegasus,” Jean Paul muttered mockingly under his breath.
“Aunt of the Pegasus,” Annie continued, oblivious to the peanut gallery. “Queen of the Kingdom of Wentzlendale, the Mountain Clifftops, and the Impenetrable Isles, Protector of the Enchanted Gems….
“Owner of a hundred green cloaks,” D’Artagnan added.
“Seriously,” Tessa said. “She needs to go shopping. I’ve never seen her out of that green cloak.”
“Like you never wear anything that isn’t black,” Jean Paul said.
“And the Oligarch of the Forbidden Fields,” Annie concluded.
“I’d add ‘Future Mrs. Monroe’ to her list of titles,” Monroe said. “But Jenny’s going to come around any day now.”
Tessa rested a hand on Monroe’s shoulder.
“Face it buddy,” Tessa said. “Jenny’s just not that into you.”
“Hello Annie,” I said. “You know you really don’t have to announce all of your titles every time you see me but go on. What’s up?”
“I come to propose a solution that will restore order to your bookshelf and prevent the various characters who dwell within your collection of volumes from stepping out and fighting one another while you slumber,” the fantasy queen said.
“Let’s hear it,” I replied.
“You simply transfer control of your shelf to my creator,” Annie said.
“Your creator?” I asked.
“Yes,” Dany replied. “The old man with beard and funny hat.”
Annie, of course, hailed from my favorite fantasy series of books, A Dirge of Murder and Betrayal. Her creator was none other than my hero, prolific writer and legendary uber nerd Joel LL Torrow.
He was known throughout the literary world for having no issue with wacking main characters left and right, often in unexpected ways. In fact, I had a theory that he was going to end the series by having Annie defeat all her enemies and be named Supreme Super Queen only to die from a bad staff infection after stubbing her toe.
Good Ole Joel “Wack a Dozen Characters Before Lunch” Torrow, BQB’s hero.
I looked out at the sea of tiny book characters standing all over me.
Every one of them appeared positively petrified at the idea.
“Well,” I said. “I suppose your creator does know how to get rid of troublesome characters.”
“No!” Tessa yelled.
“We’ll be good!” Jean Paul said.
“Promise?” I asked.
“We promise,” Tessa said.
“Yes,” Jean Paul said as he handed a stick of bubble gum to Tessa. “In fact, Tessa, please accept this piece of gum as a token of our truce.”
“Is it any good?” Tessa asked.
“It better be,” Jean Paul replied. “I double crossed the aardvark and sold out my siblings for it!”
Does BQB ever recover from his injury? Stay tuned!
Copyright (C) Bookshelf Q. Battler 2015. All Rights Reserved
(Though of course, The Three Musketeers belong to the ages)
Zombie, old man, fantasy woman and Three Musketeers images courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.
Bookshelf Battle 