Hey Fantasy Nerds,
My apologies, there will be no Game of Thrones wrap-up tonight on the Bookshelf Battle Blog.
In the meantime, you should really be reading the top notch tale that is “Game of Yetis.” Here’s the most recent installment.
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Tag Archives: Game of Thrones
Game of Yetis – Part 7 – House Yeti
PREVIOUSLY ON GAME OF YETIS – Lord Alien of House Jones crosses the Narrow Sea after the Khaleesi tweets him a question about how to train dragons.
(By the way, did you know Alien Jones loves to promote Indie Self Publishers? Read all about it in his latest “Ask the Alien” column.)
AND NOW GAME OF YETIS CONTINUES…
Lord Yeti and his banner yetis crossed the icy tundra to meet the white walkers on the field of battle. Prior to engaging in sword play, the leaders of both parties decided to hold the following parlay:
LORD YETI: Roar?
WHITE WALKER: Errrghhh!
LORD YETI: Roar roar!
WHITE WALKER: Ergh. Errgh?
LORD YETI: Roar! Roar. Roar.
WHITE WALKER: Ergh. Ergh?
LORD YETI: Roar?
Sorry, here’s the English translation:
LORD YETI: Why do you white walkers approach Yetifell as though you are prepared for war?
WHITE WALKER: We wish to breach The Wall and march to Shelftopia so that we may steal all of Lord BQB’s Dew of the Mountain!
LORD YETI: We’ve already stolen it! It’s in my castle as we speak!
WHITE WALKER: Oh. Can we have some?
LORD YETI: Of course. Any enemy of Lord BQB is a friend of mine. However, Lord BQB no doubt marches for Yetifell, so you must help us protect my castle from his attack.
WHITE WALKER: Agreed. Can we watch Scandal while we wait?
LORD YETI: Why wouldn’t we?
I know. It’s a bear. It was the only large dumb furry animal the HBO GOT sigil creator had. The Yeti has complained vigorously.
Game of Thrones – 4/26/15 – Season 5 – Episode 3 – “High Sparrow”
Oh that wacky Tyrion. Always getting himself into a pickle.
- I’m enjoying the Varys/Tyrion road trip. Mormont says he’s taking Tyrion to see the Queen. Guess he doesn’t realize that’s where the imp was going anyway.
- Arya’s tired of sweeping the floor, not realizing that’s some kind of “Mr. Miyagi” type stuff she has to do in order to become a faceless man.
- The whole thing with Sansa marrying Ramsay is odd. (After all, Roose murdered Robb and Catelyn) We can only assume Littlefinger has something up his sleeve – somehow this will lead to the Boultons getting their comeuppance. However, are the Boultons so stupid that they’d invite a revenge seeker into their midst?
- Seems obvious Cersei will have the High Sparrow appointed as High Septum, finally giving her the strong ally she needs.
- There was a wedding and no one died!
What did I forget? Discuss!
Game of Thrones Tonight!
Are you Team Khaleesi? Have you taken sides with Cersei? Are you still holding out hope that the Stark children will land a Hail Mary Pass?
Do you want to take up a sword for Stannis? Do you think that Jon Snow knows more than nothing?
Or are you keeping your fingers crossed that Hodor will become the ultimate dark horse candidate for the Iron Throne?
Stop by bookshelfbattle.com tonight after Game of Thrones S5 Ep 3 and chat with Bookshelf Q. Battler, Blogger-in-Chief. Toss out your observations, formulate your conspiracy theories, and what the hell, plug your blogs!
Can’t wait that long? Read the latest installment of BQB’s epic fantasy parody – “Game of Yetis.”
Yes, in the latest episode, Alien Jones (Lord Alien of House Jones) makes an appearance. He’s always answering questions on the Bookshelf Battle Blog and now he’s making a trip across the Narrow Sea to answer questions from the Khaleesi.
Game of Yetis – Part 6 – House Alien
Previously on Game of Yetis:
PART 1 – House Bookshelf – Lord BQB hides out from the War for the Iron Throne, coming up with various excuses as to why he’s been unable to assist various claimants to the throne all the while positioning himself to declare allegiance to whoever emerges as the victor. Alas, a complication in his plan arises when a band of Yetis under the control of Lord Yeti abscond with his supplies of snacks and Dew of the Mountain.
PART 2 – House Yeti – Lord Yeti of House Yeti, the ruler of Yetifell, a territory North of the Wall, where abominable snowmen love to frolic because it is ridiculous cold, mocks his son Yetyrion, calling him a dwarf because he is 6’5″ (which is really short for a Yeti).
PART 3 – House Bookshelf – The usually not so easily rattled Lord BQB is enraged when he discovers that his supply of Special Edition Code Red Dew of the Mountain has been stolen by dirty yetis in the employ of Lord Yeti of House Yeti. Unable to purchase an army of eunuchs because Daenerys Stormborn bogarted them all, he turns to his trusty banner men. Alas, they were only in it for the Dew of the Mountain and now Lord BQB must fight this battle alone.
PART 4 – House Yeti – Lord Yeti is aghast when he spies white walkers on their way to Yetifell.
Part 5 – House Bookshelf – Lord BQB takes it easy as his elderly lackey, the decrepit Maester Monty pulls his master across the countryside all the way to Riverrun, the land of House Tully. Along the way, Lord BQB confides in Monty that he has long dreamed he would one day meet an enormous warrior woman, one capable of providing him with love and vanquishing his enemies. Lord BQB refuses to take a wife until he meets such a lady.
And now Game of Yetis continues…
Across the Narrow Sea, a tiny being walked through the marketplace, his face obscured by a weathered cloth hood. He was weary from a long voyage and his feet ached for rest. He took a seat inside a tavern and ordered an ale.
“Hey!”
The small figure ignored the brooding hulk who, despite without so much as an invention, took a chair across the little one’s table.
“Hey half-man!” the brute said. “Take off your hood!”
The small being refused to look up. Instead, he sighed the sigh of a creature who, on a daily was forced to realize that the burden of being the smartest one in the room would always belong to him.
“You deaf or something?” the man said. “Take off your hood or I’ll cut it off for you along with your head! Queen Cersei’s put out a hefty reward for her brother the imp’s head and I’ll be damned if you aren’t just about Lord Tyrion’s size!”
Seeing that it was pointless to wait for the little one to comply, the man reached a big burly hand across the table, intent on pulling the hood off. Just then, quicker than a flash of lighting, the small one threw off his cloak, withdrew a laser blaster, and incinerated the intruder until there was nothing left but a pile of ash.
The last thing the would-be bounty hunter saw? The face of an alien – two almond shaped eyes and a ginormous cranium.
“Gadzooks,” the alien said. “It’s getting so that a highly evolved being can’t even have a drink in peace around here.
The alien ran a three-fingered hand over his wine glass and sucked the wine particles into the air and up into his pores.
“Aww,” the alien said as he emitted an obnoxious burp. “That is, how I believe they say on this primitive planet, ‘the good shit.'”
“Caw! Caw!”
A raven landed on the table carrying a scroll in its beak. The messenger bird dropped it on the table but refused to leave.
“Thank you,” the alien said. “You may go now.”
“Caw! Caw! Tip! Caw!”
The alien wished he had the type of eyes that could roll.
“Here’s a tip,” he said as he pointed a finger to his laser blaster. “Flap your wings outta this joint before I put fried raven on the menu!”
“Caw! Caw! Cheap ass! Caw!”
And with that, the raven skeedaddled out the window, leaving the alien to unravel the parchment across the table.
It read:
LORD BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER: Salutations, Lord Alien of House Jones! This week’s “Ask the Alien” question comes from Mereen!
@DothrakiDragonMama4Eva tweeted:
“Alien Jones – how u trn dragnz? Helps! LOLZ!”
Lord Alien put his cloak back on, left the barkeep a coin for the wine and another for the ashy mess he left and exited the establishment.
This was a question that required a house call.
Alien Jones (aka Lord Alien of House Jones) is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle Blog, on a mission to raise Earth’s collective intelligence levels one question at a time. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Tweet it to @bookshelfbattle on Twitter, leave it in the comments on bookshelfbattle.com, or stop by Bookshelf Battle on Google Plus. If he likes your question, he might even promote your book, blog, other project in his answer.
Game of Thrones Wrap-Up – Season 5, Episode 2 – “The House of Black and White”
Hey there noble readers,
Time to talk about tonight’s Game of Thrones!
- Arya has made it to the House of Black and White
- There’s friction in Dorne over the Viper’s death
- The Mereenese are displeased (and hissing) at the Mother of Dragons
- Speaking of, Drogon’s back! (To protect his mom from unruly rock throwing subjects?)
- Cersei gets no respect, no respect at all…it’s open season on imps!
- Jamie’s on a mission to Dorne
- The Spider and the Imp are on a road trip!
- Jon Snow is the Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch (and Stannis wants him to be Lord of Winterfell)
- Brienne of Tarth should probably think about finding another cause. The Stark girls just aren’t interested.
- What is Littlefinger up to?
What say you, bookshelf battlers?
Game of Thrones Tonight!
Just a reminder – after tonight’s episode I’ll be doing a show wrap-up. So many GOT fan bloggers out there. Feel free to stop by, chew the fat, offer your latest conspiracy theory, debunk some of mine, and while you’re at it, toss in a plug for your blog.
I’m always happy to do what I can to send my 3.5 readers (including my Aunt Gertrude) your way.
Game of Yetis on Wattpad
Dear 3.5 Readers,
I hate to call it fan fiction, but I suppose there’s no other label. Game of Yetis is basically me just goofing around and having fun with my favorite TV show.
I posted the first part on Wattpad, mainly out of an experiment to discover the process of posting something over there.
I had no cover other than the “House Bookshelf” banner from the GOT sigil creator.
But it turns out, it’s fairly simple to put up a story.
Even better, I was able to pull it up on my phone – it felt very “e-bookish” and for good or ill, seeing something I wrote in a mobile digital format, no matter how trivial, caused that little old self-publishing bug to sink its teeth into me that much harder.
Crap. I might actually have to start doing some work around here.
We’re 5 parts in on Game of Yetis here on bookshelfbattle.com, but should you desire to read Game of Yetis while out on the town (and let’s be honest, if that urge hits you, you must be on a real lousy day), then head on over to Wattpad:
Join House Bookshelf!
Game of Yetis – Part 5 – House Bookshelf
Previously on Game of Yetis:
PART 1 – House Bookshelf – Lord BQB hides out from the War for the Iron Throne, coming up with various excuses as to why he’s been unable to assist various claimants to the throne all the while positioning himself to declare allegiance to whoever emerges as the victor. Alas, a complication in his plan arises when a band of Yetis under the control of Lord Yeti abscond with his supplies of snacks and Dew of the Mountain.
PART 2 – House Yeti – Lord Yeti of House Yeti, the ruler of Yetifell, a territory North of the Wall, where abominable snowmen love to frolic because it is ridiculous cold, mocks his son Yetyrion, calling him a dwarf because he is 6’5″ (which is really short for a Yeti).
PART 3 – House Bookshelf – The usually not so easily rattled Lord BQB is enraged when he discovers that his supply of Special Edition Code Red Dew of the Mountain has been stolen by dirty yetis in the employ of Lord Yeti of House Yeti. Unable to purchase an army of eunuchs because Daenerys Stormborn bogarted them all, he turns to his trusty banner men. Alas, they were only in it for the Dew of the Mountain and now Lord BQB must fight this battle alone.
PART 4 – House Yeti – Lord Yeti is aghast when he spies white walkers on their way to Yetifell.
And now Game of Yetis continues…
“This journey has been agonizing, Maester Monty. I’m not sure if I can put up with this any longer.”
Maester Monty wiped beads of sweat off his brow and stopped to rest. The old man was out of breath and felt feint.
“I didn’t say stop, Monty,” Lord BQB said as the Maester set down the rickshaw he’d used to carry his Lord from the shores of Casterly Rock all the way to Riverrun. “I’m just saying, you know, all of these bumps along the road. They’re very unsettling and causing me to spill my…what did you say this clear, tasteless liquid was called again?”
“Water, sir,” Monty replied as he heaved the handles of the rickshaw onto his decrepit shoulders and marched forward.
“Blech,” Lord BQB as he took a swig from a jug. “Disgusting. We must recover my Special Edition Code Red Dew of the Mountain without delay. Mush, Monty, Mush!”
“Mushing sir,” Monty replied.
They continued along the King’s road for hours until a question popped into Maester Monty’s mind.
“My Lord, if I may be so bold, why have you never married?”
Lord BQB bit into an apple and winced.
“Yuck,” Lord BQB said, ignoring the question. “People really eat these things, Monty?”
“Indeed sir. They’re considered most healthy.”
“The shame of it, Monty,” Lord BQB said. “The dirty yeti eating my slim jims while I’m forced to waste away on water and apples like a flea bottom beggar.”
“Yes, but the question sir?”
“Oh yes,” Lord BQB said as he stared at the setting sun. “If you must know, Monty. I am partial only to a particular type of woman…one that is difficult to locate.”
“Elaborate, sir?” Monty asked, as he struggled to not collapse under the rickshaw.
“I like big women.”
“Oh my lord,” Monty said. “Surely there are many fine corpulent ladies throughout the Kingdom that you might choose from.”
“No no no,” Lord BQB said as he tossed the apple core at Monty’s head. “I don’t mean big in that way, though this Lord has nothing against a bit of junk in the trunk as it were. No, Monty, I prefer women tall in stature. My whole life I’ve waited for a beautiful extra tall amazon to sweep me off my feat, provide me with all of the love and care that I deserve, and most importantly, be willing to hack my enemies to pieces.”
“That will be a tough woman to locate indeed, my Lord.”
Join House Bookshelf!
Game of Yetis – Part 4 – House Yeti
Previously on Game of Yetis:
PART 1 – House Bookshelf – Lord BQB hides out from the War for the Iron Throne, coming up with various excuses as to why he’s been unable to assist various claimants to the throne all the while positioning himself to declare allegiance to whoever emerges as the victor. Alas, a complication in his plan arises when a band of Yetis under the control of Lord Yeti abscond with his supplies of snacks and Dew of the Mountain.
PART 2 – House Yeti – Lord Yeti of House Yeti, the ruler of Yetifell, a territory North of the Wall, where abominable snowmen love to frolic because it is ridiculous cold, mocks his son Yetyrion, calling him a dwarf because he is 6’5″ (which is really short for a Yeti).
PART 3 – House Bookshelf – The usually not so easily rattled Lord BQB is enraged when he discovers that his supply of Special Edition Code Red Dew of the Mountain has been stolen by dirty yetis in the employ of Lord Yeti of House Yeti. Unable to purchase an army of eunuchs because Daenerys Stormborn bogarted them all, he turns to his trusty banner men. Alas, they were only in it for the Dew of the Mountain and now Lord BQB must fight this battle alone.
And now Game of Yetis continues…
It was the best drink that ever rolled across Lord Yeti’s tongue.
Not because it was particularly succulent…or even delicious. He’d had better.
The Dew of the Mountain tasted so good to Lord Yeti because it was the property of his sworn enemy, one Lord Bookshelf Q. Battler.
“Father,” Yetyrion said. “Why do you despise Lord BQB so?”
Lord Yeti grunted and sipped from a chalice filled to the brim with fizzy goodness.
“Is it because Lord BQB is ridiculously handsome?” Yetyrion asked.
“What?” Lord Yeti said. “No.”
“Do you hate Lord BQB because he is exceptionally clever?”
“Lord BQB clever?” Lord Yeti asked. “Please. I’ve seen yeti droppings with more wit and wisdom than that hack.”
“Jealousy then is it?” Yetyrion asked. “You’ve been bitten by the green eyed monster is a God among men?”
“Did Lord BQB write these questions for you?” Lord Yeti asked.
“No,” Yetyrion replied. “Umm…maybe. No. No he didn’t.”
A hundred roars filled the castle walls, warning the supreme ruler that trouble was afoot. Lord Yeti walked the spiral staircase all the way to very top of Castle Yeti, which overlooked the frigidly arctic wasteland that sprawled its way north of The Wall.
“Why have you roared an alarm?” Lord Yeti asked.
“My Lord,” the commander of the banner yetis said. “Look!”
Lord Yeti peered through a spy glass to see a thousand white walkers trudge their way toward Castle Yeti.
It was a sight so unusual that Lord Yeti dropped his chalice of pilfered Dew of the Mountain, allowing it to spill all over the stone floor below.
Yetyrion finally made his way up the staircase to the rooftop, only to find his father and a band of awe struck yetis.
“What’d I miss guys?”
Yeah I know. It’s a bear.
Bookshelf Battle 