Tag Archives: hollywood

Movie Review – Fast and Furious 7 (2015)

Fast cars?  Check!

Ridiculous action sequences?  Check!

Rap music?  Check!

Hot babes?  Check!

Catchy one liners?  Check!

Copious amounts of testosterone?  Better believe that’s a check.

Plot?  Ehhh…

Fasten your seat belt and hit your nitrous switch, it’s time for my review of Fast and Furious 7.

But be forewarned…the spoilers are going to come…at a fast and furious pace!  (:::rimshot:::)

Cars jumping out of planes?  Sure, that could probably happen…

BQB:  Yeti, what did you think of the movie?

THE YETI:  I did not understand the plot.  I have not seen parts 1-7.  Did a scientist unleash a chemical that turned most of the characters into a bunch of angry jacked bald men?

BQB:  What?

THE YETI:  The Rock, Vin Diesel, Jason Statham, Tyrese Gibson, Djimon Honsou…like 90% of the cast are a bunch of cueballs!

BQB:  I’m pretty sure that’s the great cosmic deal, Yeti.  The universe can make a badass, but in exchange, you have to give up your hair.

THE YETI:  The film company must have saved a mint on shampoo costs alone.

Paul Walker

Let’s get the sad part out of the way first.  Paul Walker passed away during the film’s production in a tragic car crash (sadly and ironically, on his own time).  Since he plays a main character (Brian) in these films, would the continuity of the film suffer without him became the question on the minds of movie buffs.

THE YETI:  BQB, do you think the continuity of the movie suffered due to Paul Walker’s unfortunate passing?

BQB:  Good question, Yeti.  That was just on my mind.  No, I don’t think it did.  Going into it, I assumed his character would somehow leave mid-film, but he stays right to the end, so apparently a great deal was taped before the world lost this action star.

I would be interested in learning what had to be done to compensate for his passing.  Toward the end of the film, there are some action sequences that take place in the dark, and “Brian” is either seen from far away, or if his face is on screen, it’s only for a split second between various karate moves.  That made me wonder whether a stunt double was utilized or if that was just the intent of the scene since it took place at night in a dark building.

In other words, there are times when I’m not sure whether or not it was Paul and I don’t want to diss Paul if in fact he was in said scenes.

There is a scene at the end where Dom and Paul do their usual “pull up to each other at the end” and have a heart-to-heart talk.  There, the scene did look like footage taken of Paul in the past.

And whereas these movies usually end with Dom and Paul drag racing, they instead, drive off, going their separate ways…Dom to continue his life as a bad ass, Brian to be a husband and Dad.

Aww.  Tear.

Obviously, I care more about Walker’s life than an action movie, but from a critic’s perspective, I did not think that Walker’s death impacted the overall quality of the film and in my eye anyway, I did not notice any defects or flaws caused to the film.  Any changes they had to make were minor or barely noticeable.

Great question, Yeti.  Do you have any others?

THE YETI:  Yes.  Were there any sad scenes made even sadder due to Walker’s passing?

BQB:  Indeed there were, Yeti.  There’s a scene where Brian has a heartfelt phone conversation with Mia, where she tells her husband that the way he’s talking makes it sound like he’s never coming home and well, that becomes more depressing now that we know Walker is not coming home.

There’s also a montage of Walker through the years in the past 7 movies, dating back to 2001 and it’s just amazing how you don’t recognize it while it’s happening, but people really do grow and change over the course of a decade.

One more thing – Walker left one more movie behind.  Last year’s Brick Mansions, was, in my opinion, another must see flick for fans of urban action films.

Alright then.  Let’s move from the sad to the awesome.

Obviously, with these films, you check your thinking cap at the door.  In fact, here’s my thought process with every outlandish stunt I see:

BQB:  Oh, come on.  That could never happen!  Cars jumping out of planes?  Preposterous!  Through buildings?  Get out of here!  That defies all laws of science and physics and…OH MY GOD THAT WAS SO AWESOME!!! DO IT AGAIN!

Nope, you don’t go for the plot.  You go for the action and special effects.

THE YETI:  Why do they bother pulling all of these fast car jobs when they have so many skills?  Driving skills, computer skills, planning skills…

BQB:  Shut up, Yeti.

I dare say that the scene where Dom jumps a 3.5 million dollar plus car through three buildings (as in it exits out one window, jumps a large expanse, does it again, then ends up in a third building).

THE YETI:  What did you think of Kurt Russell?

BQB:  You’re full of questions, aren’t you, Yeti?  Personally, I think the Rock is awesome and let’s be honest, he saved this franchise.  I get the impression that the Rock enjoys Hobbs, a character who is unapologetic about his awesomeness.

Therefore, it was sad to see Hobbs get laid up in the hospital for most of the film, with Kurt Russell taking over as the agent that convinces Dom’s crew to pull a job.  That being said, Russell did a great job and he was awesome.

At one point, I was left wondering about the overall question of what makes a movie great.  Let’s face it.  Flicks like this one will never win an Academy Award and yet when you think about it, with all the stunts, action, special effects and so on…there’s probably more moving parts and issues to coordinate than, say Birdman.

And while I’m not saying, “Let’s give Fast and Furious an Oscar!” I am saying that F and F 7 is a better film than Birdman.

Yup.  I’m sorry.  I said it.  Had F and F 7 come out in 2014 it would of been more deserving of an Oscar than Birdman.

Other notables:

  • Game of Thrones fans will be pleased to see Nathalie Emmanuel aka the Khaleesi’s translator Missandei in a major on screen role.
  • Did anyone else think “If it is possible for this franchise to have a “Jump the Shark” moment, that it might have been the part where the crew jumps out of plane in their cars and somehow they all manage to land on one road in perfect formation?
  • Why are their cars constantly being sprayed with bullets and yet they never die?
  • Was the Rock’s epic fight in the beginning with Jason Statham the best thing ever?
  • Has anyone figured out why so many musclebound dudes go bald?

THE YETI:  But it’s so stupid.  They drive cars.  They blow stuff up.  Constant chaos.  It reminds me of the Yeti village.

BQB:  Again, suspend your concerns about plot and substance at the door.  These films are basically one big on screen thrill ride.  They might as well make the seats shake it charge admission to it at Disney World.

THE YETI:  Are you going to talk about Paul Walker again before you go?

BQB:  Yes.  So, on this blog, I talk a lot about heroes for average people – folks that the ordinary man can look up to.  Now, Walker was an above averagely good looking movie star, so obviously we can’t call him average.

But here’s what sets him apart from other action stars.  There’s a scene where he takes on a bus full of terrorists while wearing a hoodie.  That may not seem like much, but think about other movies where the hero wears a uniform, or a bullet proof vest or armor or something.

Maybe I’m just reading too much into it but when you see a good guy taking out bad guys while wearing ordinary street clothes, it makes me think that maybe that could inspire moviegoers to become better than average.

You too can do awesome things in just your hoodie and jeans.  But, you know, just don’t try to take out a bunch of terrorists by yourself.  Duh.

I’ll be interested to see what direction the series goes in from here, if it does continue at all.  As discussed above, it was left that Brian drove off in his own direction to become a family man.  I think that was a good decision because to kill the character off would have been a bit macabre given the the actor’s tragic passing.

Will the crew go on without Brian?  Will they hang up their stick shifts and call it quits?  Time will tell.  But all in all, they were faced with a difficult task – deliver an over the top action blockbuster while remaining respectful to the loss of one of the main stars…and it delivered.

STATUS:  Shelf-worthy.  RIP Paul Walker.  You will be missed.

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True Music Stories Part 3 – The Funky Hunks

PREVIOUSLY ON TRUE MUSIC STORIES:

Longtime friends Bookshelf Q. Battler aka Read N. Plenty and Bernie Plotznik aka MC Plotz travel to Hollywood in search of fame and fortune as a rap duo called “The Funky Hunks.”  They sign with Reuben Torkilsen, who, at the time, was considered the worst agent in Hollywood, his only client list being a sub-par magician and a dog.

At Reuben’s behest, they hold auditions for a third member, and pass on an up-and-coming Curtis “50-Cent” Jackson.

Hip Hop/ Rap - Rare Music Video

REUBEN:  Look boys.  I get it.  I’m new in the biz.  I have an office in a strip mall between a Shakey’s Pizza and a discount orthodontist.  But I’m one thing the other agents in this town are not.  I’m hungry.  I want to taste success as much as you two do.  I’m willing to work, I’ve got some great ideas, and I think you should listen to me.

BQB:  You suck, Reuben.

BERNIE:  Big time.  We want Dr. Dre.

REUBEN:  No offense, but Dr. Dre wouldn’t pee on you if you were on fire.  Now, listen, I really feel your group needs a third member.  Someone with street cred…someone with style and pizazz, someone with some star power that will rub off on you two…

BQB:  We’re lousy with star power.

BERNIE:  We’ve got street cred out the wazoo.

BQB:  Just the other day my Aunt Gertie told me I have copious amounts of street cred.

REUBEN:  You passed on 50-Cent.  Passed on that nice young man Busta Rhymes.  And what about that about Marshall Mathers guy?  He seemed very talented.

BQB:  Please, Reuben.  We’re already two white guys.  The rap game only has so much room for us.

BERNIE: Hell will freeze over before everyone in America pays attention to a song about a guy who calls himself “Slim Shady.”

REUBEN:  Alright.  Here’s my next idea.  You change your name from “Funky Hunks” to “Funky People” and add a female rapper.

BQB:  Reub, I think you’re missing out on the cleverness of our name.

BERNIE:  “Funk” rhymes with “Hunk.”

BQB:  We spent hours on that shit.

(A young Missy Elliot walks into the room)

REUBEN:  Boys, this is Missy Elliot.

BQB:  Chicks can’t rap.

REUBEN:  Ignore them, Missy.  Let’s hear what you’ve got.

MISSY ELLIOT 1999 FUNKY HUNK AUDITION

Thank you for seeing me today.  I call this ‘Work It.’

:::clears throat:::

Is it worth it?  Let me work it.

I put my thing down, flip it, and reverse it…

BQB:  Whoa, whoa, whoa!!!!

BERNIE:  Time out!  Stop the clock!

MISSY:  What?

BQB:  “I put my thing down, flip it, and reverse it?”

MISSY:  Yeah.

BQB:  So basically, you do nothing?

MISSY:  Huh?

BQB: Try to follow me on this.   If you put your thing down…flip it…then reverse it…you have essentially done nothing.  Your thing is back in its original position.  You might as well have not moved your thing at all.

MISSY:  It’s just a catchy lyric…

(BQB slaps his forehead.  Bernie pinches the bridge of his nose as if he is suffering from a tremendous headache).

BERNIE:  Alright, let’s do a little experiment here.

(Bernie takes out a piece of paper, writes “X” on one side and “Y” on the other)

BERNIE:  We have a paper.  We have “Side X” and “Side Y.”  In its default position, the paper has Side X facing up.  This paper is, by its very definition, “a thing.”  I take this thing, I flip it.  Side Y is now facing up.  I now reverse that action by flipping the paper over so that Side X is once again facing up.  In summation, I might as well have done nothing at all.  That’s science.  Your song is an affront to science.

(Missy turns to Reuben)

MISSY:  Are these dudes for real?

REUBEN:  Yes, unfortunately.

BQB:  I don’t think we’re asking for much for our third member to have a grasp of the basic principles of engineering and aerodynamics, do you?

BERNIE:  NEXT!

REUBEN:  You’re making a big mistake here fellas…

BQB:  Please.  This dame won’t make a dime off that song.

ANNOUNCER:  By 2002, Missy Elliot became richer than an old timey gold prospector and you couldn’t drive a car five feet without listening to “Work It” on the radio.

BQB:  All that proves is that we live in a nation of dunces, people too ignorant to understand science.

BERNIE:  It’s basic science!  She might as well have said, “I’m going to do nothing at all because to do something only to revert said something to its original state is to essentially do nothing at all!

BQB: Preposterous!

BERNIE:  Precisely!

ANNOUNCER:  The duo auditioned every aspiring rapper in the game, passing over one future success after another.  Finally, Carl McGillicuddy, the Shakey’s janitor poked his head in the room.

CARL:  Reuben, I’m mopping out Shakey’s shitter.  Want me to do yours while I’m at it?

REUBEN:  Sure.  Thanks.

BQB:  Whoa!  Who’s that?!

REUBEN:  He’s the Janitor.

BERNIE:  Hey!  Janitor!  Can you sing?

CARL:  Not a note.

BQB:  Can you stand in the background, hold a mic, pretend like you’re singing, and take home a paycheck that will be smaller than ours but still more than you make mopping out pizza joint shitters?

CARL:  Hell yeah.

BERNIE:  You’re hired!

TOMORROW ON TRUE MUSIC STORIES:  THE FUNKY HUNKS DEVELOP A BAD BOY IMAGE

“MUSIC” image courtesy of Flickr user raremusicvideo1 via a Creative Commons License

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SNL – The Rock as Bambi

As a lover of action movies who will be there opening night for Fast 7, this was the funniest thing I’ve seen in a long time:

“Wham…bam…Bambi!”

“I’m always thumpin…”

“Yeah, it’s always somethin'”

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True Music Stories Part 2 – The Funky Hunks

BQB here.  I hate the Yeti for sharing this transcript.

Hip Hop/ Rap - Rare Music Video

ANNOUNCER:  From the Learning Center Annex of East Randomtown to Hollywood, the Funky Hunks were on their way to a career in showbiz.  They signed up with Reuben Torkilsen, whose other clients included “The Mysterious Lenny” aka “Mr. Guesses Your Card within Seven Tries or You Get a Coupon to the Sizzler” and Twinkles the Tap-dancing Poodle.

REUBEN:  Boys, we need a third fellow to round out your group.  The more hunks, the better!

BQB (whispers to Bernie):  Um, can we bust on him for saying that?

BERNIE:  I don’t know.  I mean, we’re still in the 90’s but it’s almost 2000 so…

(CUT TO A GRAPHIC THAT READS “FUNKY HUNK AUDITIONS”)

ANNOUNCER:  Reuben, BQB, and Bernie spent the next three days auditioning every aspiring rapper they could find.

REUBEN:  What did you say your name was again, sonny boy?

ASPIRING RAPPER:  Curtis.  Curtis Jackson, Sir.

BQB:  You’re going to need a rap name.

CURTIS:  Well, my friends call me 50-Cent.

BERNIE:  No offense, but that’s the worst rapper name I’ve ever heard.

BQB:  What about “MC Rappy Rap” or “Doctor Rhymey?”

REUBEN:  Boys!  We’ll talk about names later!  Let’s hear what Curtis has to lay down.  Go ahead Curtis!

ANNOUNCER:  There in Reuben’s office, Curtis Jackson laid down the lyrics from the song that would one day make his career:

PARTY IN DA CLUB

BY: 50-CENT

Go, go, go, go, go, go
Go shorty, it’s your birthday
We gonna party like it’s your birthday
We gonna sip Bacardi like it’s your birthday
And you know we don’t give a f#$k it’s not your birthday

Party in the club, bottle full of bub…

(BQB and Bernie look at each other, dumbfounded expressions on their face)

BQB:  Dude, seriously?

CURTIS:  What?

BERNIE:  You’ve got a lady friend and you don’t care whether or not it’s her birthday?

CURTIS:  We’re partyin’ like it’s her birthday.

BQB:  But this woman is supposedly your friend and yet you clearly state “We do not give a f%$k it’s not your birthday.”

REUBEN: Now, hold on, boys.  I think I see the picture here. The song is not so much about the woman’s birthday as it is an expression of the level at which Curtis and his friends are going to party.  They’re going to party at a level which correlates to the amount of glee one would have if it were the birthday of a female friend.

BQB:  I’m sorry.  The song’s total crap.  Sorry Curtis, I don’t think it’s going to work.

ANNOUNCER:  Curtis Jackson aka “50-Cent” went on to dominate the rap game in the early 2000’s, “In Da Club” being blared over the loudspeakers of every sweat dance joint from LA to New York.  Meanwhile, Read N. Plenty went on to become Bookshelf Q. Battler, the proprietor of a book blog with only 3.5 readers.

And Bernie?  He sells oranges on the side of a freeway offramp.

BQB:  I stand by our decision.  Party in the club?  Please.  That song’s going to fizzle out any day now.  By 2030 it will probably only get played on the radio like 20 times a day.

BERNIE:  I don’t stand by our decision at all.  I haven’t sold an orange in years!  Come back to me, Curtis!  I’ll sip all the Bacardi you want and I won’t give a f%$k about anyone’s birthday I swear!

TOMMORROW ON TRUE MUSIC STORIES:  THE AUDITIONS FOR THE THIRD FUNKY HUNK CONTINUE!

“MUSIC” image courtesy of Flickr user raremusicvideo1 via a Creative Commons License

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True Music Stories – The Funky Hunks Part 1

THE YETI:  Hello, insignificant 3.5 readers.  Perhaps given the mild success of #ReplaceSongLyricWithYeti you may have developed the foolish notion that BQB and I have, how you say, “buried the hatchet.”  LIES!  Bookshelf Q. Battler is my mortal enemy and I will never relinquish control of his Headquarters!

Further, I will now embarrass him by sharing the transcript of a tape I found hidden in his closet.

Yes, the rumors are true.  Bookshelf Q. Battler was once in a boy band.

Hip Hop/ Rap - Rare Music Video

ANNOUNCER:  Welcome to another edition of True Music Stories.  The year was 1999.  The band?  A duo of dudes who called themselves, “The Funky Hunks.”  From their meteoric rise to their stupendous downfall, we’ll peel back the curtain and see it all.

BQB:  What can I say?  We were young with stars in our eyes and wanted to be famous.

ANNOUNCER:  A year before the dawn of the new millennium, Bookshelf Q. Battler and his long time friend, Bernie Plotznik took the stage of the Greater Randomtown Learning Center Annex and made their debut performance.

CUT TO:  Shaky hand shot camcorder footage stamped March 1999.  Bookshelf and Bernie on stage – three old people in the crowd watching.  BQB wearing a backwards hat, shades, a golden clock on a chain around his neck.  Bernie wears a track suit with a backwards Kangol hat.

BQB:  Yo yo yo, I’m Read N. Plenty!

BERNIE:  And I’m MC Plotz!

BQB AND BERNIE TOGETHER:  AND WE ARE THE FUNKY HUNKS!

(An old woman raises her hand).

BQB:  Um, we’re not really taking questions but ok, what is it?

OLD LADY:  Is this Swan Lake?  I thought this was my granddaughter’s dance recital.

BQB:  That’s tomorrow night, lady.

ANNOUNCER (VOICEOVER):  And with that, the Funky Hunks introduced themselves to the world with their first song, “Be Nice and Stuff” off their debut album, “Non-Threatening White Boys.”

BE NICE AND STUFF

By:  The Funky Hunks

Yo. 1999. It’s singin’ time!
Let’s kick it!

Funky Hunks are on the scene,
Always polite and never mean!
Brush your teeth and say your prayers,
Ladies at dinner? Pull out their chairs!

Funky Hunks, don’t disrespect!
Or a stern rebuke, is what you can expect!
Carry an umbrella, in case there’s sleet!
Look both ways before crossin’ the street!

Funky hunks, we’re on a mission.
Tellin’ you to turn off the television.
Go outside.
Read a book.
Grab a friend, and a casserole you’ll cook!

Give that food to a homeless man!
Then sing a funky hunk jam!
‘Cuz you know deep down in your heart
Doin’ good is where to start!

Ugh…ugh…yeah….break it down…

(The Funky Hunks drop their mics, fold their arms, and desperately await the critics’ incoming reviews).

OLD LADY: Um, it was ok, I guess?

ANNOUNCER:  On a whim, the dudes dubbed copies of their performance and sent them to every Hollywood producer listed in the phonebook.  Um, kids, do you know what a phonebook is?  Before the Internet got really popular and allowed everyone to know everything at any time, people had these big yellow books that had everybody’s phone numbers and addresses printed in them?  I know.  It sounds tedious.

REUBEN TORKILSEN, BIG TIME MUSIC AGENT:  I get this horribly produced tape in the mail.  Two of the flabbiest, pudgiest, dorkiest white kids I’ve ever seen.  I mean, they look like they’ve never lifted a dumbbell in their lives and yet here they are calling themselves “The Funky Hunks.”

BQB:  Yeah, we were pretty ripped back in the day.

REUBEN:  And their rap – all about “helping people” and “doing good deeds” and so on.  But then it dawns on me.  These guys are being facetious!  They’re a couple of youngsters poking fun at what “the Man” thinks they should be doing!

BQB:  We were totally serious.

BERNIE:  I would bake a casserole big enough to feed the entire world if I could.

ANNOUNCER:  Reuben signed the boys instantly and flew them out to Hollywood…with two coach class tickets…the cost of which they were required to reimburse.  As it turns out, Reuben was the cover boy of Sucky Hollywood Agents Magazine every month.

(Cut to grainy security camera footage of Reuben’s office)

REUBEN:  Boys, so nice to meet you!  Do you know the big celebrity I’m going to introduce you to?

BQB and BERNIE look excited.

REUBEN:  No, seriously.  Do you know any celebrities?  Any celebrities at all?  Because I hear that knowing a celebrity could help in this town.

ANNOUNCER:  And so the Funky Hunks began their new life in Hollywood.  First on their agenda?  They needed a third hunk to turn their duo into a trio…

TOMMORROW ON TRUE HOLLYWOOD STORIES:  THE FUNKY HUNKS HOLD AUDITIONS!

“MUSIC” image courtesy of Flickr user raremusicvideo1 via a Creative Commons License

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Donate Meow

Had I been able to afford the $600 required to get Broken Lizard to tape a 45 second video written by me (now sold out):

The Super Troopers in the station, reading books.

FARVA:  What’re all you chickenf$%kers doing?

THORNY:  We’re reading books.

RABBIT:  Yeah, they were recommended by Bookshelf Q. Battler

FARVA:  What?  That a-hole only has 3.5 readers what does he know?

MAC:  You don’t even know how to read, Farva.

FARVA:  Do too!  (grabs a book)  – “It was…uh…the best…of times?  It was the…ahh f$%k it I’m going to Dimpus Burger.”

I don’t know.  Something like that.  Short and sweet.  Not much you can do in 45 seconds.  Alas, I couldn’t justify dropping 600 bucks, as awesome as it would have been.

Anyway, the original  Super Troopers movie was great and I’m glad to see the Broken Lizard boys are back at it.  They started a campaign on Indiegogo to raise $2 million to create a sequel and met the goal on their first day.  Now the more they collect, the better the movie will be.

Super Troopers 2 Indiegogo Site

I’m amazed technology has reached the point where people can do this.

I talk about self-publishing on this blog a lot.  Indie Movie Makers are basically the self-publishers of Hollywood, right?

In conclusion, I want a liter of cola.  Shenanigans.

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Celebrity Retweet

Hello 3.5 Readers.

As you know, I am in quite a struggle against the Yeti, who for no practical rhyme or reason, refuses to leave Bookshelf Battle HQ until I receive 4000 twitter followers.

Now, I’m no name dropper and in fact, I pride myself on my humility.  I’ve got humility by the truckload.

Imagine my delight when I saw a tweet I wrote about Irish Author James Joyce on St. Patrick’s Day was favorited by a prominent Hollywood entertainment lawyer.

Further, when I tweeted that I was honored by my tweet being favorited by this tremendous legal scholar, said barrister further honored me by retweeting said tweet:

You don’t recognize prominent Entertainment Attorney Jeff Cohen?

Perhaps a photo from his younger days will refresh your memory:

warnber_bros

Truffle Shuffle 4-Life!

Honestly, sometimes it’s the little things in life that get you through the day.  Chunk.  The guy who played Chunk favorited my tweet.  And the guy who played Chunk rose past childhood stardom to become a professional attorney.  Good for him.

My 3.5 readers know I am incredibly sarcastic.  Please know this post has no sarcasm whatsoever.  I remember watching Goonies when I was a kid, thinking it was a perfect blend of comedy and adventure. That someone who starred in that movie noticed something I wrote (and yeah, it was just a stupid little tweet and for all I know he hit the favorite button by accident) brought a smile to my face.

So, it is with full sincerity and without my usual brand of sarcasm that I say, “Thank you for making my day, Jeff Cohen.”

That’s all the superfluous name dropping I’ll do for today.  I won’t even mention that I am still followed by @TayeDiggs, probably because his assistant clicked my follow button by accident.

Checkmate, Yeti.  Checkmate.

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MOVIE REVIEW – Olga’s Stewstravaganza Part II – Electric Stewgaloo (2014)

By:  The Siberian Yeti, Self-Appointed Ruler of Bookshelfbattle.com Until Further Notice

Hello pitiful 3.5 readers.  The Siberian Yeti here.  I have heard that the American loser known as Bookshelf Q. Battler has occasionally escaped my surveillance and found ways to post onto this blog behind my back.  Worse, his Intergalactic Correspondent, Alien Jones, has some kind of super computer that is able to post onto this blog without even having access to it.  He must have a Commodore 1,064.

It is my understanding that this website is some kind of entertainment blog, operated by a lowly attention seeking nerd with nothing better to do with his free time than tell 3.5 people about his interests in books, film, and television.

This is apparently some kind of trend in the Western world.  “Oh!  Look at me!  Here is a picture of my lunch!  Oh, look!  A picture of my feet on the beach!”

Blah.  You know what they feed us for lunch in Siberia?  Better you not know but let’s just say, you don’t want to see a picture of it.

All criticism of your annoying “look at me” American ways, I suppose if I am going to be the Self-Appointed Ruler of this Blog (forever apparently, since Hell will freeze over before BQB reaches 4000 Twitter followers), then I had best, how do you say, “go with the flow” and review some of my favorite Russian entertainment.

First up is Olga’s Stewstravaganza II – Electric Stewgaloo.

First, a warning.  THERE WILL BE SPOILERS.  Yes, pitiful Americans.  All of the world there are people dying in shallow graves from all manner of diseases but the only thing that gets your ire up is when someone tells you what happens in one of your precious shows before you see it.

Second, if you have yet to see Olga’s Stewstravaganza Part One, I suggest you drop everything and go see it.  Ha, one guy just googled it to see if it exists.  That is funny.

But seriously, if you have not witnessed Olga’s antics in one, then you will never be able to comprehend two.

Part II picks up directly after the events of Part One.  Frumpy peasant woman Olga, who wears a coat fashioned from cow hide and chicken feather stuffing (the height of elegance in Siberia) has just vanquished all of her enemies, the degenerate low lives who tried to get between her and her pot of stew.

Now, she is left to simply cook her stew in peace.  And I must say, the suspense is unbearable.  In the opening scene, we see Olga’s hand holding a paprika shaker.  Will she add the paprika?  Won’t she?  Will she add oregano?  Will she add the floor sweepings?

Answer to all three questions?  Yes.  I told you there would be spoilers.  Stupid Americans.  You never listen.

By the middle of the film, we are introduced to Olga’s love interest, Ivan.  Ivan is a dedicated farmer.  Here, I will translate his first scene for you:

INTERIOR – POLLING PLACE

Ivan, a tall burly man with a mustache that reaches to his chest, picks up a ballot.  It reads:

ELECTION FOR PRESIDENT OF RUSSIA – PLEASE PLACE AN X NEXT TO YOUR SELECTION

1)  Putin  ___

2)  Putin  ___

3)  Putin ___

4)  Write-in Vote for Candidate Not Putin (Please attach instructions to your home, as well as times of day when you are asleep and at your most defenseless).

I won’t spoil it for you.  OK I will.  He votes for Putin.

Ivan then makes the long ride home to his village on a sleigh pulled by a team of twelve mangy, drooling oxen with flies swirling around their heads.  The ride takes two hours, and the director ensures we are not spared one moment of it.

Upon arrival at the village, Ivan realizes he forgot his wallet at the polling place.  We are left to watch the two hour journey back to the polling place, followed by the two hour return trip.

After six hours of driving oxen through the snow (a brisk 807 inches and therefore a mild winter for Siberia), Ivan passes out in front of Olga’s humble abode.

Olga brings Ivan in and revives him and the following scene transpires:

IVAN:  Olga, this stew is delicious.  What kind of animal did the meat come from?

OLGA:  Do you trust me, Ivan?

IVAN:  Da.

OLGA:  Good.  Because sometimes love means not knowing what kind of animal the meat in the stew you’re eating comes from.

“Sometimes love means not knowing what kind of animal the meat in the stew you’re eating comes from.”

I just wanted to repeat that for effect.  What a wonderful, beautiful film.  And you evil Americans give the Oscar to Birdman.  Patooie.  For shame.

Thank you 3.5 readers.  I will try to be a better ruler of this site and bring you more reviews until BQB reaches 4000 twitter followers.  And let’s be honest.  That will never happen.  Miley Cyrus will join a convent before that loser gets that many followers.

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Movie Review – Run All Night (2015)

Bookshelf Q. Battler here.  I snuck out while the Yeti was playing Tapper to take in a movie tonight.  Hate to say it, but the Yeti has become less of a captor and more of an annoying uninvited house guest.

But I digress.

Regrets?  Liam Neeson’s Jimmy Conlon has had a few and they’re all catching up with him over the course of one non-stop, action packed night.

Movieclips Trailers

Ever since Taken, Neeson has had a resurgence, moving from dramatic actor to tough guy action star.  In most of these films, he’s calm, cool, collected.  Surprisingly, in this film we see a divergence.  Neeson still plays a man you want on your side if you’re in a pinch, but he’s also a bad guy.  Worse, he’s not just any bad guy.  When we’re introduced to Jimmy, he’s a sloppy, slobbering, lowlife drunk, depressed over a life spent being a murderer for his longtime friend and mob boss Shawn Maguire (Ed Harris).  Of course, Jimmy sobers up quickly as he can’t be expected to take out one goon after the next in an inebriated state.

Michael Conlon (Joel Kinnaman from last year’s Robocop reboot) hates his father and avoids him all costs in the name of living a law abiding life.  Unfortunately, he ends up in the wrong place at the wrong time when he inadvertently witnesses Maguire’s son Danny (Boyd Holbrook) shoot some Albanian drug dealers during a deal gone awry.

Danny tries to shoot Michael so as to leave no witnesses but ends up being shot by Jimmy.  Maguire vows revenge against his long time friend and criminal associate and has a seemingly endless supply of degenerate henchmen to lob at the father-son duo as they navigate their way through the streets of New York City.

Common provides a chilling turn as stone cold hit man Andrew Price, dispatched by Maguire to take the Conlons out.  Vincent D’Onofrio also submits an emotional performance as Detective Harding, the good cop who has been hunting Jimmy for twenty-five years, only to see every case he’s brought against the mob murderer fall through the cracks of a corrupt justice system.

And yet, the rub for Harding is that on this particular night, Jimmy is not the bad guy, so the detective is struck with the unenviable task of having to help a man he despises do a good thing – i.e. save the lives of Michael and his family.

Why is revenge such a powerful force that it makes men blind to the realities around them?  Maguire knows his son did wrong.  He knows Jimmy just did something any father would do.  Even so, Maguire is out for blood and it is a bit heartbreaking to watch as a duo with a thirty year friendship take each other on.

Nick Nolte makes a quick cameo and, well, not to put the guy down because, hey, time eventually comes for all of us, but it did take me a second to realize it was Nick Nolte.

The film moves at a mile a minute pace and never slows down.  If you’re looking for a good Spring action flick, you won’t be disappointed.

STATUS:  Shelf-worthy

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Happy Friday the 13th (or BQB’s Top Ten List of Mistakes Made by Horror Movie Victims)

Hello 3.5 readers!  Are you stuck in a horror movie and being chased by a fictional psychopath?  (Then why are you reading this blog?  RUN!)

But, if you have a minute while said psycho is taking a breather, then Bookshelf Q. Battler is here with the top ten helpful tips to get you through this Friday the 13th, based on all of the horror movies I’ve seen:

10)  Don’t go upstairs.  Only go upstairs if there is no other direction to go in.  If you can go out of the house, then go out of the house.  Really, what do you think will happen when you get upstairs?  The killer just corners you because the only way out of the house when you are upstairs is via a fatal drop to the ground.

9)  Don’t be rude.  In horror movies, rude people tend to buy the farm in epic ways that make the audience feel a great catharsis.  At least one person watching the film will shout out, “Oh my God I’m glad that guy’s dead!”

8)  Don’t choose this particular time to confess your love to someone.  Yes, they’ll be so glad that you finally made a move after waiting so long.  And yes, an overly ironic writer will take great delight in turning you into murderer fodder.

7)  Skinny dipping.  Don’t do it.  Night.  Naked.  Stuck in the water.  You’re a sitting duck.  And honestly, have you looked in a mirror lately?  You shouldn’t be skinny dipping anyway.  (That’s just a joke.  My 3.5 readers are all supermodels).

6)  Don’t tempt fate.  Has an old gypsy woman told you that if you say a magic phrase while rubbing an ancient talisman, a murderer will come to life and murder everyone?  Well, here’s a thought then, STOP RUBBING THE TALISMAN!!!  Why let curiosity get the better of you?  Whenever someone warns you against doing something, don’t do it!

5)  Trip and fall while running.  WTF?  Seriously, you pick now to be a klutz?  Steady those feet, there’s a madman on the loose!

4)  Get separated from the group.  I don’t care how badly your friends stink.  This is not the time to be a loner.

3)  Perform routine maintenance on your car.  Cars have a tendency to quit whenever a bloodthirsty fiend is on a rampage.  Get your car inspected.  Check your tire pressure.  Change your oil.  Get your battery checked.  Take your ride to a competent mechanic once in awhile to make sure everything is in order.  Honestly, murderous fiend or no, you should be doing all this stuff anyway.  You don’t want to get stranded on the side of the road, do you?

2)  DON’T ASSUME THE KILLER IS DEAD.  This is literally the main horror movie trope that gets me worked up every time.  The murderer is clearly a massive, hulking juggernaut of a beast.  The protagonist of the film gives him a little tap with a stick or something and assumes the murderer is a goner.

NO!  Assume nothing!  Drop a grenade in his pants!  Set him on fire!  Shoot him twenty times in various places!  Go to town on him with a ginsu knife!  Dance the Texas Two-Step on his face!

(NOTE:  Bookshelf Battle does not condone violence and this discussion is for fictional purposes only.  You never know, one of my 3.5 readers might be a greedy corrupt lawyer).

1)  DON’T GO IN THERE!  Hey, you!  Yeah, you.  The guy going in there.  Stop going in there!  Can’t you hear everyone in the theater telling you to NOT go in there!

Thank you, Bookshelf Battle Readers.  Happy Friday the 13th.  I must now return to the basement, where the Yeti is holding me captive, yet somehow I manage to blog whenever he’s not looking, because he’s kind of stupid.

Follow me on twitter to help me escape unjust Yeti occupation and don’t forget, Alien Jones is taking your questions until midnight Friday night.

Did I miss your favorite horror movie trope?  Add it in the comments.

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