NOTE: I’d probably take the part where Luther and Lindsey are talking in the green room and make it another chapter.
Also, the song Kit sings – that was just something I churned out quick. I thought it would be funny for the dummy to rap.
But looking back on it, network television would not allow a song with that many swears…
Kit looked at the dummy sitting on his lap. Mr. Kaboodle had been constructed with a face similar to Kit’s, but while Kit was handsome and athletic, his alter ego had a paunch belly. Kit was all decked out in designer wear while Kaboodle wore a pair of plaid pants, a green sweater vest, and a bowtie. To top it all off, Caboodle wore an oversized pair of horn rimmed glasses whereas Kit had undergone laser eye surgery years earlier.
“Well, Mr. Kaboodle,” Kit said. “Isn’t it nice to be here in LA?”
“It sure is,” Mr. Kaboodle replied as his mouth popped up and down. “Finally I’m not the only one in the joint with plastic parts!”
“Oh come on Mr. Kaboodle,” Kit said. “Not everyone in Hollywood has had work done.”
Mr. Kaboodle’s head turned away from Kit and toward the audience. His little eyebrows shifted up and down.
“You sure?” the dummy asked.
Kit moved his arm and Kaboodle leaned forward in the direction of a buxom blonde sitting in the front row.
“Because that floozy looks like she could float us all to Tahiti with those puppies!”
The audience went into hysterics.
Kaboodle’s head spun around and around as he shouted, “WOWZA!”
Once his head was stationary again and the laughter died down, Caboodle looked up to Kit.
“Are you sure we’re in LA?”
“Yeah,” Kit said.
“Positive?”
“Yes!”
“Are you absolutely positively, positive?” Caboodle asked.
“Yes!” Kit shouted, feigning annoyance. “Why?!”
Kaboodle’s head spun around and faced the blonde again.
“Because I’m staring at the Silicone Valley right now and it never looked so good…”
“Mr. Kaboodle, you’re incorrigible!” Kit said.
“There’s a dot com in my pants…”
“All right,” Kit said. “That’s enough.”
Kaboodle’s eyebrows dropped down.
“Ugh…and it just went bust.”
A camera zoomed in on the blonde woman, who was cackling uncontrollably.
Inside the greenroom, Luther and Lacey watched the show on a monitor.
“Oh my God,” Lacey said. “He’s nailing it.”
“Was there ever any doubt?” Luther asked as he chomped on a cigar.
“Yes!” Lacey replied. “All he’s talked about all week is how he can’t take the pressure any more, how he knew he was going to bomb and become an absolute laughingstock.”
“Aww, that’s just nervous nelly bullshit,” Luther said. “Speaking of, that’s was a bullshit move you pulled on my man.”
“Excuse me?” Lacey asked.
“Who in their right mind tells a man who’s about to host a live television show ‘I love you’ for the first damn time? That shit could have seriously messed with his head.”
“How do you know it was the first time?” Lacey asked.
“My star playa’ tells my everything,” Luther replied. “He thought you didn’t love him at all, that your ass was going to walk out on him any day now.”
“Why would he think that?”
“Shit,” Luther said as he flicked open a golden plated lighter and lit up his smoke. “Because take away all those muscles he’s built up, those teeth he had fixed and that tummy he had tucked and he’s still the same old insecure dumb ass I plucked out of a two-bit night club five years ago.”
“That’s ridiculous,” Lacey said. “If anything, I’ve been worried he’s going to leave me what with all the buzz around him lately.”
On the monitor, Kit could be seen carrying Caboodle across the stage and down the stairs, making his way to the voluptuous blonde woman who’d been the butt of Caboodle’s obscene innuendo.
“I doubt it,” Luther said between puffs. “I’ve been in this game for a long time and let me tell you, your boy is one of the few special ones.”
“How so?” Lacey asked.
“By and large, my bread and butter is made off of people who look like they were born to be movie stars,” Luther said. “People who’ve lived charmed lives. People who’ve never had to worry about anything because they’re so goddamn good looking that no one ever denied them anything. Your boy, on the other hand, he had to work for it and let me tell you, when you’ve got to work for something, you appreciate it that much more. I just hope you appreciate him.”
“I do,” Lacey said.
“Good,” Luther said. “Last thing I need is my star playa’s head out of the game with a broke ass heart.”
A pimply faced college age page stuck his head into the green room.
“Sir, you can’t smoke in here.”
“Suck my black ass, bitch,” the big time agent said. “I’m Luther Fucking Beaumont and I can do whatever the fuck I want.”
The page shrugged his shoulders and moved on. Lacey, too much of a lady to say anything, turned to the monitor and focused on Kit’s performance.
Kaboodle was checking out the blonde’s copious bosom.
“I think I’m in love,” the dummy said before his head turned upwards to face the woman. “Oh hello. You’re nice too.”
More laughter from the audience.
Kaboodle’s head spun around to face Kit.
“We need to cut this act short.”
“Why?” Kit asked.
“I’ve got wood.”
Kit rolled his eyes. “You ARE wood!”
“Well then,” Kit replied. “This is all very redundant then, isn’t it?”
“Ma’am,” Kit said as he reached out his hand. “Join us, won’t you?”
Surprised, the woman took Kit’s hand and allowed the performer to lead her up on stage, where she took a seat on a stool.
“Hello,” Kit said. “What’s your name?”
“Melissa,” the blonde said with an adorable babydoll voice.
“Melissa, do we know each other?” Kit asked.
“No,” she replied.
“Would you like to get to know me?” Caboodle asked.
Unsure of what to say to the goofy looking dummy, Melissa just smiled and snickered.
“Tell me about yourself,” Kit said. “What do you do for a living?”
“I’m a secretary,” Melissa said.
“Wowza,” Kaboodle said. “I bet she takes fabulous dictation.”
“Oh Kaboodle, knock it off,” Kit said. “Are you married, Melissa?”
“Divorced,” Melissa replied.
Kaboodle stared at the blonde’s bosom again.
“I’d of fought for custody of those things.”
“Enough, Caboodle!” Kit said. “Have you ever worked a dummy?”
Melissa shook her head no.
“Of course she has,” Caboodle said. “Probably worked her husband over real good in court.”
“Stop it,” Kit said.
“And you deserve every penny of it, honey,” Caboodle added.
“Well Melissa,” Kit said. “I need you to do a favor for me because I’m going to do something I’ve never done before…”
“…tell a joke that lands?” Caboodle interrupted.
“Shut up, you,” Kit said as he set the dummy down on Melissa’s lap.
Kaboodle made a few stifled “Mmmpph mmpphhh!” sounds.
“Now Melissa, what I need you to do is work Mr. Caboodle’s mouth for me because he won’t be able to talk again until you do…”
“Mmmmph!” went Caboodle.
Kit scratched his chin, looked to the camera as if lost deep in thought and said, “Actually, come to think of it, this is the most peace and quiet I’ve had for awhile…”
The ventriloquist waved to the audience, shouted, “Good night, ladies and gentlemen!” and started to walk off the stage as Caboodle’s “MMMPPPHHHS!” grew louder.
“Oh all right,” Kit said as he returned. “Melissa, what I need you to do is reach your hand into the back of Caboodle’s trousers there…”
“Mmmpph?”
“And start feeling around until you find a lever…”
Melissa did as requested until Caboodle’s jaw dropped down.
“WOWZA!” Kaboodle shouted.
“Are you ok, Kaboodle?” Kit asked.
“Never better,” the dummy replied. “Finally, a woman gives me a reach around and I don’t even have to buy her dinner first.”
The audience went nuts.
“Kaboodle, please!” Kit shouted. “You’re on network television!”
“Oh, then I really am getting the reach around,” Caboodle said.
“Melissa, just go ahead and work that lever,” Kit said. “I know you’re new to this but try to move Kaboodle’s cake hole in time with what I’m saying.”
Melissa moved the lever up and down slowly, not in time with Kit at all.
“Just pretend this is a 1960’s monster movie, ladies and gentlemen,” Kit said.
“Oh…my…God!” Caboodle said. “It…is…Godzilla!”
Kit waited for the laughter to die down. He removed his jacket and set it down on a table, then picked up a glass of water.
“Ladies and gentlemen,” Kit said. “You’ve all seen that tired old cliche where a ventriloquist drinks a glass of water while his dummy sings, haven’t you?”
Kit started drinking and Caboodle immediately chimed in with, “Oh my darlin’, oh my darlin’, oh my darlin’, Clementine!”
“Piece of cake,” Kit said as he set the empty glass of water down. “Easy as pie. How’re you doing over there, Kaboodle?”
“Oh just fine,” the dummy said as Melissa did her best to operate him. “Kind of wish this broad would have warmed up her hands first though.”
“They’re a little cold?” Kit asked.
“It’s like an iceberg just got rammed up my Titanic,” Caboodle replied.
“Well don’t worry, buddy, we’re almost done.”
“I didn’t say I wanted it to stop,” Caboodle said.
“Ladies and gentlemen…”
“I want to be Melissa’s next husband,” Caboodle interrupted.
“Ladies and gentlemen,” Kit continued. “I’m about to do something that no ventriloquist has ever done before in the history of ventriloquism.”
“Get laid?” Caboodle inquired.
“Shut up, you!”
“What?” Caboodle asked.
“I’m going to…”
“It’s just that all you guys do is sit around and make dolls talk all day,” Caboodle said.
“Enough, Caboodle.”
“Makes women dry up like the Great Mojave is all I’m sayin’”
“Caboodle!!!”
“OK…OK…I’ll be good.”
A group of stage hands popped out from behind the curtain. One man produced a pair of handcuffs and restrained Kit’s hands behind his back.
“Oh finally,” Caboodle said. “The fuzz got wise to all those dirty websites you’ve been looking at.”
Kit sat down in a chair and one of the stage hands pushed down on the back of hit, holding the performer at an angle.
Another man held up a full water cooler jug.
“That’s right,” Kit said. “Some ventriloquists make their dummies sing while drink water. I’m going to make mine sing while I get water boarded!”
The audience let out a collective gasp.
“Wait a minute!” Caboodle said.
“What?” Kit asked.
“If you’re going to pull off a miraculous stunt, you’ve got to make me sing something with a little more pep than ‘Oh My Darlin,’ Clementine!”
“I don’t know,” Kit replied. “Can the network afford the rights to a big song?”
The camera cut to cast member Josh Wiley, wearing a cheap suit, gray haired wig and a big button that read, “Big Time Network Executive.”
“I’ll allow it,” Josh said.
“What’re you thinking, Kaboodle?” Kit asked. “Pop? Rock? A little Rhythm and Blues?”
“You know me, Kit,” the dummy said. “I’m a straight up gangsta rapper from back in the day, son.”
Kit turned to the band leader.
“Jimbo, can you guys give me Stank Daddy’s latest?”
Big Jimbo Stretch, a cool cat whose face was hidden behind a pair of aviator shades and a long beard, lead the Studio 109 band in mimicking “Grab Yo’ Nine,” the latest single off of rapper Stank Daddy’s most recent album.
“Gentlemen,” Kit said to the stage hands. “Do your worst.”
The Studio 109 Band laid down the beat as one hand placed a black towel over Kit’s face. Another proceeded to empty the water jug all over the performer’s face.
Back in the green room, Lacey turned away from the monitor and covered her eyes.
“Ohhhh, this is too much,” she said.
“He’s got it,” Luther said.
In the studio, the audience watched…shocked, amazed, unable to avert their eyes. Kit endured the abuse and Caboodle remained silent for ten seconds until he busted out a hilariously squeaky rendition of the top rap song on the charts.
Bitch betta grab you nine!
Wanna start somethin’ then it’s about time,
To see yo ass on the street.
Busted all up like a pile of meat.
And I’ll be layin’ back feelin’ fine.
Bitch betta grab yo nine!
If you gonna step up to my ass!
Click clack goes my gat cuz you know I be strapped
And you know I know how to drop a sucka fast so
And I’ll never do a minute of the time.
All you fools thinkin’ you betta than me,
Fresher than me
That you got somethin’ on Stank Daddy
Must be trippin’ out yo damn mind…
Muthafuckin bitch betta grab yo NINE!
The network, of course, bleeped out all the naughty words but the audience lapped it all up and were on their feet with a standing ovation as the stage hands uncured Kit and helped him to his feet.
Sopping wet all over, the newly minted star looked at the camera.
“Thank you, thank you,” Kit said. “People, get your hands off that remote because you don’t want to miss a minute of this show. Purple Horizon is next!”
Bookshelf Battle 