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Nov 01 2017
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Bookshelf Battle Log

Bookshelf Battle Log #2 – 11/01/17 – BQB vs. the Yakuza

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Hey 3.5 readers.

If you’ve read this blog for awhile, then you’re aware the Yakuza and I have never been fully simpatico.  A shame really because I am a fan of the martial arts and could teach them a thing or two if they would just be cool and listen.

Alas, they are always after my magic bookshelf.  So currently, I am in Japan, fighting dozens of Yakuza assassins, defeating them all as they come at me with swords, nunchaku, throwing darts, spears, sai, and yes even grenades and machine guns and all I have to fight them off with is my pinky finger and some chewed bubble gum that I didn’t even get to chew myself, go figure.

So, I’ll be at this for awhile.  While I figure out the Top Ten Ways to Defeat a Yakuza Assassin, why don’t you take a good look at my Top Ten Lists?  They are hilarious, if I say so myself, and you’ll be glad you did.  Or maybe you won’t be.  Maybe you’ll be sad you wasted so much time of your life.  Oh well.  Do it or don’t.  I don’t care.  I’m too busy fighting Yakuza assassins.

BQB’s Top Ten Lists

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Apr 03 2016
4 Comments
top ten lists

Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Ninja

Female-Ninja-Silhouette-800px Ninjutsu.  The ancient Japanese discipline that weaves martial arts, guerrilla warfare, espionage and clandestine assassination tactics into one lethal practitioner.

If a ninja wants you dead…you won’t know until you are dead.

But if you are dating a she-ninja, you won’t know until you consult this list.

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Ninja:

10.  Although you think you might be alone, you’re pretty sure you just saw that shadow in the corner move.  Don’t worry.  That’s just ninja foreplay.

9.  You keep finding her nunchucks in your dishwasher.  It’s not that you don’t want to help her out but it just seems rude she won’t pre-rinse the blood off of them first.

8.  Sometimes when you’re alone and in the mood, a fast moving gust of wind will zoom through the window, knock you down, move around, then disappear just as quickly as it arrived.  You’re left confused yet strangely satisfied and in need of a cigarette.

7.  You wish she could be like most women and leave your “Honey-Do” list of chores on the kitchen table.  Instead, you’ve grown accustomed to walking down the hall, minding your own business, only to have a damn throwing knife sail past your eyes.  It ends up pinned to the wall with a note attached that reads, “Take out the trash.  You forgot to last week and it is starting to stink.  Also be a lamb and get my dry cleaning.”

6.  She wins every argument by shooting you in the neck with a blow dart.

5.  Her closet has more black outfits hanging in it than Johnny Cash ever owned.

4.  As a joke, you told her that her butt looks big in those black pants.  As her foot connected to your face in a perfectly executed roundhouse kick, you realized this joke was ill advised.

3.  She runs up the sides of buildings.  You get winded running a mile down the road.

2.  Brings her katana blade on every date.  Refuses to explain why.  You try your best to make small talk but you can still see the handle peaking over her shoulder as it sits in the sheath strapped to her back.

  1. She offered to neutralize your enemies.  You explain to her that you’re a peacenik and not really big on “neutralization” but thank her anyway.  It’s the thought that counts.
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Apr 22 2015
6 Comments
One a Day Post Challenge

Where Are My Readers From? (Views by Country)

Bookshelf Q. Battler here.

My readers – they stoke the fires of the Bookshelf Battle Blog Machine, fueling the furnace of this humble blogger and inspiring me to be steadfast in delivering the latest news about books, movies, aliens, yes, and of course, my magic bookshelf.

Where are you all from?  Let’s take a look-see:

NOTE:  All figures below are for 2015 today)

#1 – USA – Coming in first place – The Americans!  From sea to shining sea, the Yanks are dominating the Bookshelf Battle scene with a whopping 6,262 views.  That’s almost as many times as I caught The Yeti using his Commodore 64 to checkout those Kim Kardashian photos.

#2 – United Kingdom – God Save The Queen!  The Brits come in second place, but at a mere 682.  Was it something we said, Brits?  Are you guys still feeling some sour grapes over that whole revolution thing?  Hell, if it’s any consolation we pay more taxes now than King Edward ever levied on us.  Hoisted on our own petard if you ask me.  Tax the crap out of our tea for all I care.  This blogger’s drink of choice is Diet Shasta Orange anyway.

Please don’t tax my Diet Shasta Orange.  I don’t want to throw all my orange soda into the harbor.  The fish will get gassy.

#3 – Canada – Oh Canada, our home and native land, true patriot love and something something something!  (Look, just be impressed that I knew that much.  We’re still trying to convince 75% percent of the population down here that you guys actually exist and aren’t just a bunch of magical wood sprites living in a fabled frozen land.)

The Canucks have viewed my site 335 times.  Frankly, I blame myself.  I need to do more to capture the Canadian market.  That’s why I’m diligently working on the following reviews of prominent Canadian Films:

  • Dude, Where’s My Moose?
  • The Maplenator
  • Hockey Man
  • Hockey Man 2 – High Stickin’
  • The Fast and The Polite

#4 – Australia – G’day Mates – The Aussies have viewed this site 249 times.  I was impressed until I realized they were all from this guy:

Koala

He’s been e-mailing non-stop, begging me to review his self-published book, Eucalyptus Leaves Are Delicious!

FURTHER ANALYSIS

It comes as no surprise that my four top countries for views are English speaking lands.  I welcome all viewers, but obviously, I’m limited in that I only speak English, Klingon, and Dothraki.

(New Zealand, I was a little disappointed with you guys – 81 views?  Seriously?  What, you guys are too busy watching all those Hobbit movies get filmed?  Get on the ball, NZ.

Of course, I welcome viewers from all across the globe.  Therefore, I’m working with Google Translate to reach out to viewers in Non-English speaking countries.

For example, the Germans viewed my site 101 times (20 more times than you, New Zealand, not that I’m trying to make you feel guilty or anything.

So allow me to translate some commonly used Bookshelf Battle speak for the Germans’ enjoyment.

ENGLISH:  Stupid Yeti!  Get in the basement!  You know you are only allowed to come upstairs on Thursday nights to watch Scandal!  Away with you!

GERMAN TRANSLATION: Dumme Yeti ! Holen Sie sich im Keller ! Sie wissen, Sie dürfen nur im Obergeschoss am Donnerstagabend gekommen, um Skandal zu sehen! Weg mit dir !

Wow.  That gave me chills.  Thanks Google Translate.  And let that be a lesson to you, Herr Yeti.

What about France?  Our French friends visited this site 49 times this year alone.

ENGLISH:  Alien Jones takes your questions and plugs your blogs!  Yes yes, I love croissants!

FRENCH TRANSLATION:  Alien Jones prend vos questions et fiches vos blogs ! Oui oui, je adore les croissants !

I adore the croissants too, Frenchies.  I really do.

Finally, the Japanese have viewed this site 17 times this year alone.

ENGLISH: The series finale of Dexter was awful! I can’t believe the protagonist became a lumberjack!

JAPANESE TRANSLATION: Dekusutā no shirīzu no fināre wa hidokatta! Watashi wa, shujinkō wa kikori ni natta nante shinjirarenai!

Oh wait.  Before that I should have issued a:

ENGLISH:  SPOILER ALERT!!!

JAPANESE TRANSLATION:  Supoirā keikoku!!!

Sorry about that, Japanese folk.

Thank you citizens of the world for taking in the greatness that is the Bookshelf Battle Blog, brought to you by Blogger-in-Chief Bookshelf Q. Battler.

Also, please allow me to apologize in advance if those translations were incorrect.  In no way did I intend to insult a) your honor b) your beliefs c) your culture or d) your lovely, lovely mothers.

As they say in Portuguese, the official language of Brazil, where my blog was viewed 141 times (still way more than you, New Zealand, just saying):

ENGLISH:  Join us tomorrow on Bookshelf Battle, where nothing can stop the one post a day challenge!

PORTUGUESE TRANSLATION: Junte-se a nós amanhã em Bookshelf Battle, onde nada pode parar a deixar um desafio do dia !

Koala graphic courtesy of a Creative Commons license via Flickr user Marc Dalmulder

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