Hey 3.5 Readers,
I didn’t think the most recent Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie was that good, but the trailer for the sequel looks like its going to make up for it.
What say you, 3.5?
Bookshelf Battle
The only site where new bestsellers are forced to do battle for space on a nerd's bookshelf.
Tag Archives: Movies
Pop Culture Mysteries – Open Contracts
By: Jake Dashing, Official Bookshelf Battle Blog Private Investigator
Pop culture. It’s a world that keeps Bookshelf Q. Battler up late at night, his spacious brain filling up with one question after another about movies, music, television, books, and more.
I’m not sure I can relate. When I lose sleep, its because I’m too busy picturing all the Nazis my country demanded that I punch to death with my bare hands. I suppose each generation has its priorities.
Battler’s got info I want and he’s not forking it over until I solve a whole mess of mysteries for him. But this whack job thinks of questions faster than I can answer them, so here are the mysteries currently up for grabs.
Being a private dick is a fate I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy, but if you want to try your luck at the sleuthing game, feel free to let Battler know you want to snatch one of these up:
MOVIES
In Star Wars, if the Death Star is supposed to be the size of an actual star, why is everyone able to walk around it and fly around it so quickly?
In Pulp Fiction, Harvey Keitel’s character, “the Wolf” is billed as a highly skilled fixer, one whose knowledge regarding the art of the cover up is so valuable that he simply erase all evidence of a crime, making it as if nothing ever happened….but then all he does is show up and tell Vince and Jules to spray the car down with Windex. (Seriously, watch the movie.) Was the Wolf that special?
TELEVISION
Did Tony Soprano live or die at the end of The Sopranos? Was this a good or bad ending?
Why did the ending of Dexter both suck and blow at the same time? Or did it?
On Gilligan’s Island, Gilligan and the gang go on, as the theme song says, “a three hour tour.” How then, was it possible for everyone to become so irretrievably lost when they only strayed a mere three hours away from charted land?
On Married with Children, the running joke was that Al Bundy was disgusted by the idea of getting it on with his wife, Peggy. Peggy wasn’t that bad looking though, even with her wacky beehive and leopard print attire. What gives?
On Sons of Anarchy, Jax Teller embraces a life of crime that provides very little return on investment. Why is it that a scruffy bum who was lucky enough to win the heart of super hot doctor Tara didn’t just sit back and say, “Well, I’m going to sponge off my hot surgeon wife now, who no doubt makes a high salary because she’s a damn surgeon. Hell, maybe I’ll even put my focus on turning the auto repair garage my father left into a profitable business.” But instead, he just keeps making lousy criminal deals and then bumbles his way through them, often losing money on them and inviting a world of hurt. Seriously, WTF?
MUSIC
Who put the bomp in the bomp sha bomp sha bomp and will this individual strike again?
Who let the dogs out?
What is a “hollaback girl” and why does Gwen Stefani go to great lengths to make sure you know she isn’t one?
To be sure, Sir Mix-a-Lot likes big butts and is unable to lie about this particular subject. Why then, do the other brothers deny this truth?
VIDEO GAMES
What’s up with the hard sell? Whenever you buy one they try to make you buy insurance, upgrades, and basically treat you like you’re trying to buy a fully loaded 2016 Toyota Tundra instead of a $60 fantasy experience. What gives?
COME UP WITH YOUR OWN
That’s all Battler’s got for now but rest assured that loser will keep ’em coming. That nerd has way too much time on his hands. And if you’re a nerd with too much time on your hands, feel free to come up with a pop culture mystery of your own and raise it up the flag pole to see if Battler salutes.
For those of you who can’t translate hardboiled noir talk, that means tell him about it in the comments.
Movie Review – The Hunger Games – Mockingjay Part 2 (2015)
“You live long enough to die a hero or become the villain.”
Such was the advice provided to us in The Dark Knight and it rings true in this final film in the Hunger Games series in which Katniss faces not only President Snow, but an enemy in her own camp as well.
Bookshelf Q. Battler here with a review of The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 2.
SPOILER WARNING: Reading below will lead to the spoilers being ever in your favor.
The critics are already foaming at the mouths because this movie didn’t beat last year’s installment, Mockingjay Part 1.
That’s a dumb assessment because it still raked in a hundred million. Did your movie bring in a hundred million in its first weekend? What? You don’t even have a movie? Oh. Ok then. Shut your cake hole.
Our finale begins with some very war weary rebels, exhausted by battle and willing to make morally questionable choices just to win. Some believe its ok to kill civilian loyalists to the Capitol as long as it gets the job of ousting Snow done.
How far should revenge be taken? It’s a question asked throughout the movie and applicable to the real world. One side does X, the other responds with Y…the reciprocity keeps going until one side is big enough to, in the words of Elsa, “let it go, let it go.”
The rebels reach the Capitol and Katniss and friends form a “star squad” meant to wow the people with footage of their daring do, which is supposed to be captured as they hang back from the fighting.
But Snow has other plans. He’s rigged the Capitol with traps and is recording everything, broadcasting the biggest episode of “The Hunger Games” ever as the war turns into one giant game.
Oh and Peeta is still brainwashed. So Katniss has to deal with that too.
The film turns on Katniss facing a troublesome dilemma, namely that the rebels’ president, Alma Coin (Julianne Moore) is looking like she’ll make President Snow look like a boy scout when she takes over.
Thus, Katniss has to make a choice but I’ll let you check it out to see how that unfolds.
One complication the movie faced was the untimely death of Phillip Seymour Hoffman, who played Plutarch. He was in it briefly and there are non-talking clips of him throughout. A speech he was supposed to give to Katniss at the end is replaced by Woody Harrelson’s Haymitch reading a note from Plutarch at the end.
It worked out. As a viewer, you understand given the loss of Hoffman and its done in a way that it makes sense as to why Haymitch is reading a letter rather than Plutarch talking to Katniss himself.
IMO, the Peeta vs. Gale question is wrapped up too neatly. Katniss has suffered that immortal youthful angsty question of “I love them both and they’re so nice what do I do?”
One of them turns out to be nicer than the other but I’ll let you watch and find out who. Kudos to Hollywood for a rare display of open mindedness by at least allowing a short nerdy guy to even be in the running.
Overall, lots of great action, suspense, etc. It was an excellent series that introduced us to the lovely and talented J Law.
As a viewer, when you invest time in a series, you want it to pay off in the end and this one does.
STATUS: Shelf worthy.
The Writer’s Battle – Are Readers In Control?
Happy Sunday, 3.5 readers.
Bookshelf Q. Battler here.
I just read this CNN article in which George Lucas says he’s “done with Star Wars.”
“You go to make a movie and all you do is get criticized,” Lucas told Vanity Fair. “People try to make decisions about what you’re going to do before you do it. It’s not much fun. You can’t experiment. You have to do it a certain way.” – CNN
ON THE ONE HAND – I see his point. The great part of the Internet is that nerdy fans can comment and discuss their favorite movies, TV shows, books etc.
The downside is that its a great environment to make a lot of back seat drivers. “No! Those two characters can’t fall in love and WHAT?! You’re going to kill off so and so and WHAT that guy changed his mind and he’s no longer a bad guy now?!”
Hollywood listens to all this mumbo jumbo. Sometimes that turns out well when the fans know what they are talking about. Other times it falls flat when a director or actor or someone puts the kibosh on an idea that’s a little out there, beyond the norm, that would have paid off big time but they didn’t want to draw the fans’ ire.
Probably the most recent example I can think of is the latest Avengers movie in which Black Widow kicked ass all throughout the film and fans were like “Joss Whedon’s anti-woman! He didn’t give her enough to do!” Boo. Bad nerds.
ON THE OTHER HAND – The CNN article linked to above went on to say:
“The issue was ultimately, they looked at the stories, and they said, ‘We want to make something for the fans,’ ” Lucas said, presumably referring to Disney, which purchased Lucasfilm — including the “Star Wars” franchise — in 2012. “People don’t actually realize it’s actually a soap opera, and it’s all about family problems; it’s not about spaceships. So they decided they didn’t want to use those stories. They decided they were going to do their own thing, so I decided, ‘fine. … I’ll go my way, and I let them go their way.’ ” – CNN
Pbbbhhht. Well, true – Star Wars does have a lot to do with that damn dysfunctional Skywalker family…BUT, did we really need that Sound of Music-ish scene in Attack of the Clones where Anakin and Queen Amidala prance around in love in the field? No. More lightsabers and space ships please.
Revenge of the Sith was pretty solid, and when I was younger, I enjoyed The Phantom Menace and Clones mostly because I was just happy to see Jedis back on the screen.
But let’s be honest, those films were more about loading up on as many quirky, merchandisable characters as possible just to sell kids toys.
There’s nothing wrong with that. Bills need to be paid and that’s what these new films will do as well BUT I have a hunch that it will be done in a way that fans will be like “that was badass!” and “wow what a badass toy!”
The nerdy adults will be anyway. If your kids are yelling “badass!” they probably need a time out.
I get Lucas’ frustration though. It must suck to create this wonderful universe, bring it to the big screen, become the modern day father of science fiction and then be told by your fans that you, the creator of your own universe, are doing a bad job of running your universe.
That’s probably how Darth Vader felt when those pesky rebels started calling for rebellion.
SIDENOTE: One other example of fans taking over that I’ve seen lately comes from The Walking Dead.
SPOILER ALERT – REPEAT: SPOILER ALERT
Did you notice there’s a spoiler alert in effect? OK don’t say you weren’t warned.
Glenn may or may not be dead. The writers of the show have made it look like he totally is, but also left it open to a possible interpretation that he might not be.
Fans have been up in arms on social media, complaining that they have to wait to find out, how dare the writers toy with their emotions like this and so on.
I’m going to channel my inner Uncle Hardass and say, “get a job, hippies!” Hell, I love that show as much as the next guy. I’ve invested a lot of time into it. But when it appeared that Glenn died my reaction was “Awww, that’s too bad…*pause for 5 seconds* OK I better brush my teeth and get ready for bed.”
Seriously, who has time to worry about the fate of a fictional character? JOBLESS HIPPIES WHO NEED A JOB AT THE SALT MINES, THAT’S WHO!!!
Wow. I’m becoming an Uncle H. clone
What say you, 3.5 readers? Who calls the shots, readers or writers?
Personally, it’d be a great problem to have. I only have 3.5 readers and none of them have started calling the shots yet.
I suppose when I reach the point where people are like “We want more Yeti!” or “Alien Jones is like a hairless ALF, you hack!” then I’ll know I’ve made it.
Get bossier, 3.5 readers. Actually, please don’t.
La Marseillaise – The French National Anthem Scene From Casablanca
Bonjour 3.5 lecteurs,
BQB here.
There have been reports that when the Stade de France was evacuated, attendees sang La Marseillaise, the French National Anthem.
If you haven’t heard this part of the news coverage, one of the terrorists attempted to enter the stadium wearing a bomb vest. He was stopped and questioned before entering and detonated himself right there. Three people died and its terrible that they did. It surely would have been even worse had he been able to detonate inside the stadium.
So the evacuees sang their national anthem as they exited the scene. That protest in the face of tyranny reminded me of another time when French people sang their national anthem in defiance of evil. Although the one I’m thinking of was fictional, it’s still moving.
Casablanca, a 1942 film that brought light to the plight of European refugees fleeing their homeland via Morocco during World War II is one of the best films ever made, filled with quotable lines that still hold up today. If you’ve ever heard someone say, “round up the usual suspects” that’s where it came from.
OK. I’ll cry SPOILER ALERT even though its a 75 year old movie. Whatever. It’s about a love triangle between Humphrey Bogart’s Rick Blaine, a night club owner who’s fled America to escape his troublesome past, Ingrid Bergman as Ilsa Lund, the hot babe he falls in love with in France and Paul Henried as Victor Laszlo, an anti-Nazi writer and activist. Ilsa fell for Rick assuming she’d never see Victor again but voila, he returns and it’s heartbreak city all around.
But I’m not talking about that part. I’m talking about the part where the evil Major Strasser sings a Nazi tune with his jack booted brethren, only to be drowned out by Victor and other French folk in attendance.
La Marseillaise. It worked against Nazis. It works against terrorists.
Casablanca – 1942
Movie Review: Spectre (2015)
The name’s Battler. Bookshelf Q. Battler.
And I’d like this review to be shaken, not stirred.
Aww who cares, only 3.5 people are going to read it anyway.
BQB here with a review of the latest James Bond movie, Spectre.
At the outset, let me just say this:
- It wasn’t as good as Skyfall, but that’s only because Skyfall set the bar so high.
- But that being said, it was still pretty damn good. A lot better than that Quantum of Solace nonsense.
I love James Bond. Bond is the man every man wants to be. I’d love to be able to charm the pants off of any woman I meet, beat the crap out of all my enemies and still make it to cocktail hour on time in a nice suit.
Sadly, that only happens in the movies. Bond is so suave he can even charm top secret info out of hot enemy babes. Meanwhile, I’m keeping my fingers crossed that one day I’ll get a woman to make a sandwich for me. Damn it Bond, you probably get all the sandwiches you want, don’t you, you bastard?
Anyhoo – OBLIGATORY SPOILER WARNING.
It hasn’t been easy for Bond in the post-9/11 world. Since that fateful day, as well as after various tragedies since, people have been a lot more aware of the fact that illicit intercontinental activities can bring about grave repercussions.
Suddenly, the white cat stroking caricature Bond used to face just doesn’t cut it anymore, not when we’re fully aware there are real monsters in the world.
Casino Royale got the message. It was lost in Quantum of Solace, which involved a plot to steal water. Sorry Bond, but we’re done with outlandish, cartoonish plots.
Skyfall gave the series a reboot, giving Bond a team of compatriots to work with – a new Q, a new Moneypenny, a new M, new colleagues all around. And this is the first film where we get to see them all shine.
The plot? Bond must infiltrate the evil underground organization known as Spectre and take it down. Its operated by a sinister ne’er-do-well aptly played by Christoph Waltz. Waltz provides a great performance – never too emotional, speaking matter of faculty about significantly evil doings.
Wrestler David Bautista STEALS the show. It’s been awhile since we’ve seen a good Bond henchman. I’m not talking about the main villain but a lackey, a number two, a guy who does the villain’s dirty work. Oddjob is the last one I remember.
Bautista hunts Bond and even though your inner voice reminds you that it is Bond’s movie so of course he can’t die, this guy leaves you thinking Bond might just end up drinking that shaken martini in the sky.
He doesn’t. Don’t worry. I don’t think that’s a spoiler. You all know Bond lives at the end of these things, right? That’s why they’ve made so many of these movies.
Ralph Fiennes, having replaced Judi Dench as Bond’s boss, M, is at the helm in this movie. You end up feeling for the guy. He’s plagued by red tape and bureaucracy. He has to chew Bond out for ignoring protocol and generating bad press, even though its obvious he understands that Bond’s unorthodox methods have saved the world from ruin time and time again.
It sucks to be management.
One criticism is that there is a whole scene where the villain spills the beans to Bond as to how his whole sinister operation works. I kind of thought these movies were pushing to get past those tropes but oh well, you have to have some, right?
Oh and I should point out, the villain does have a white cat, but he doesn’t stroke it. Progress.
STATUS: Shelf worthy. Worth seeing in the theater due to great stunts, fights, car chases, special effects.
Pop Culture Mysteries – Case File #TBA – Kill ‘Em Again – Part 5
OK Battler. You want answers? I’ve got ’em.
A man gets chased by a psychopath. Suddenly the man gets the upper hand on the ne’er-do-well. Knocks him out cold. Lays him out on his ass. Assumes he’s dead but we all know what happens to you and me when you assume don’t we?
A cynic might just say it’s for dramatic effect. Lull the audience into a false sense of security. Make them think that the worst is behind them then whammo, the killer works up his second win. Like life, the bad guy strikes when you least expect it.
Personally, if that Michael Myers fell you’re all so keen on come Halloween came near me, I’d whip out Betsy and put one between his eyes, followed by five in his heart with perfect grouping.
But therein lies the rub. Most of these characters in slasher films are just kids. Young people. Camp counselors and students and the like. They haven’t experienced much in the way of adversity, have never fought anyone and when it comes right down to it, don’t have the demeanor of a 1950’s hardboiled private eye.
Bottomline: good people don’t know how to kill people, at least not in a way that keeps ’em dead.
So while double tapping Jason might be the wisest decision, it’s also a sign you’ve lost your humanity.
That’s this private dick’s two cents anyway. Take it or leave it but either way you owe me five bucks, nerd.
Oh, and a notebook full of my recollections of Operation Fuhrerpunschen is on its way to our mutual blonde acquaintance. Hope it helps though if you get blown up I won’t lose any sleep either.
Pop Culture Mysteries – Case File #TBA – Kill ‘Em Again (Part 4)
October 25, 4:45 A.M
“No!” I shouted. “No don’t do it! Running upstairs is a rookie mistake! There’s nowhere for you to go now, girly!”
“She’s a ditz,” Agnes replied. “All boobs and no brains.”
“My kind of dame,” I said.
“Ugh,” Agnes said. “Really?”
“Just ask my first wife,” I said. “Her brassiere had its own Congressman.”
Together, on opposite sides of a phone line, we watched as a beautiful buxom babe bought the farm at the edge of a maniac’s butcher knife.
“This fella has issues,” I said. “Where are all the coppers? Someone needs to run this palooka in on any number of charges. Breaking and entering. Assault. Battery. Attempted murder. Actual murder. And I’m not sure what specific crime it is to wear your victim’s entrails as a hat but it’s got to be against some kind of law somewhere.”
Only one survivor left. He hid off to one side of an open doorway, only to bash the murderer’s face in with a shovel as he walked into the room.
“Ahh,” the hero said. “Time to celebrate! I’ll have a glass of champagne, maybe a nice snack, take a nap…”
“No!” Agnes shouted. “Kill him again!”
“I’d of pounded this cat’s face into hamburger and set him on fire by now,” I said. “No. Come to think of it, I’d of just fed him to good ole reliable Betsy.”
“Betsy?” Agnes asked. “A girlfriend?”
“No. A gun I keep under my coat at all times.”
Silence for a moment from Agnes’ end.
“You need help, Jake,” she said.
The hero’s back patting session was cut short, literally, when the psychopath cut him in half. What a gruesome sight. Worse than some of the depravity I saw in World War II.
“Which movie do you want to watch, next?” Agnes asked.
“Ahh,” I said. “Sorry Aggie old gal but I have to make like Fred Astaire and shuffle off. I’ve got a report to file.”
“OK,” Agnes said. “I think Herb’s finally going to sleep for awhile anyway so I’d better join him.”
“Herb’s one lucky fella,” I said. “If I were over seventy, wretchedly ravaged by age and with no other options, your door would be the first one I’d knock on, Ag.”
“It’s…it’s too late to explain to you why that’s rude. Thanks. This helped me get my mind off of my problems. You know, it’s just so hard sometimes, to be a caregiver for an ill loved one. I try to do my best but it’s so difficult to…”
“Yeah, yeah,” I said. “Sorry Aggie, but I’m a dick, not a shrink. Sayonara.”
I hanged up a phone. It was time to give Battler the goods.
Pop Culture Mysteries – Case File #TBA – Kill ‘Em Again – (Part 3)
October 25, 2015 – Midnight
The air was stale – cheap food, booze and leftovers. I wasn’t helping the situation with my cigar. My head was reeling from the evening’s festivities.
Upstairs, there was a couch in my office with my name on it.
But I needed to find out what the hell Battler wanted.
I slit open the manilla envelope, procured the piece of paper inside and read:
Hatcher,
A group of teenagers in peril. A vicious psychopath wants them dead. One by one he picks them off until the last one or two, depending on how gracious the film’s screenwriter was feeling at the time.
Somehow, our hero manages to get the upper hand. He shoots, stabs, maims, or even runs the killer over with a car. Alas, thinking the madman to be dead, the protagonist celebrates too early. To the audience’s dismay, the killer gets up and starts chasing our hero around again.
Jason. Freddy. Leatherface. Happens all the time.
Why, Hatcher? Why, oh why do heroes in slasher flicks refuse to double-tap?
I’d heard that phone books had become a thing of the past and that it was possible to get a person’s number by dialing 411. I tried it.
“Hello, thank you for dialing 411, how may I direct your call?”
“Uhh, yeah, hiya Toots,” I said. “Do you know Agnes?”
“Who?” the operator asked.
“Agnes the Librarian.”
“You want the number for the public library, sir?” the operator asked.
“Jeepers H. Crowe, dollface,” I said. “What kind of a question is that?”
“Excuse me?”
“Well I doubt the library is open at this ungodly hour, don’t you?” I asked.
“I have no idea what you want me to do, sir.”
“Agnes,” I replied. “Get that old broad on the line and make it snappy. I’m a busy man, see?”
“Do you have her last name?” the operator asked.
I slapped my forehead.
“Oh for the love of Edward G. Robinson’s sneer,” I said. “What was it again? Aloysius? Anchorage? Alabaster? No…ABERNATHY! Yes. That’s the ticket. One Agnes Abernathy please.”
“I have one listing for Herbert and Agnes Abernathy,” the operator said.
“That’s it. Put me through sweetheart.”
All of a sudden there was a robot talking to me.
“The number you have requested can be dialed for an additional charge of thirty-five cents by pressing the number one…”
Thirty-five cents. Highway robbery if you asked me. “Aw screw it,” I thought as I hit the number one. “I’ll just send an invoice to Battler for it.”
“Hello?” came an old lady’s voice.
“Agnes!” I shouted.
“Yes?”
“Listen, I’m sorry to bother you at home but I’ve got quite a caper transpiring here…”
“Who is this?” Agnes asked.
“Jacob R. Hatcher, Pop Culture Detective,” I answered.
“Oh for the love of…”
There was a long trail of unlady like obscenities I won’t bother to offend the ears of you fine 3.5 readers with.
“Jake, are you nuts? You can’t bother me at home! This is very inappropriate for you to be calling my home this late. How did you get this number?”
“Information,” I replied.
“Are you some kind of weirdo sex pervert?” Agnes asked. “Are you stalking me?”
I laughed.
“No offense old gal, but I wouldn’t touch you with Herb’s business,” I said. “Say Agnes, now that you’ve got all that out of your system, what’s a fella gotta do to find a monster movie around here?”
“A what?”
“A mons…Jumpin Jehosaphat, Agnes, are you deaf? MONSTER….MOVIE!”
“Jake, I’m not in the mood for your nonsense,” Agnes said. “Herb’s been up all night throwing up in the bathroom and I’m exhausted.”
“Yikes,” I said. “Sorry to hear that. You should tell him to lay off the bottle. That’s why I do when I start praying to the porcelain god.”
I could hear the disdain in Agnes’ voice.
“HE HAS CANCER YOU JACK ASS!”
“Oh,” I replied. “Even worse. Tell him I’m pulling for him. So howsabout that monster movie?”
“It’s Halloween time,” Agnes said.
“What’s that got to do with the price of tea in China?” I inquired.
“Put on your TV and there will be one on every channel. Were you dropped on your head as a child?”
“I doubt it,” I said. “Ma Hatcher was a world class baby rearer.”
I grabbed the remote control and turned on the TV Ms. Tsang had mounted on one of the side walls of the restaurant floor to entertain the customers.
The old gal was right. Every channel I flipped through had images that were gorier than the last.
“Thanks Ag,” I said. “I’ll let you go.”
Silence. An exasperate sigh. Loud heaving sounds in the background.
“What the hell,” Agnes said. “I’m going to be up for awhile. Tell me what channel you’re putting on and I’ll watch it with you.”
Pop Culture Mysteries – Case File #TBA – Kill ‘Em Again (Part 1)
By: Jake Hatcher, Official Bookshelf Battle Blog Private Eye
Our resident gumshoe
Saturday, Oct. 24, 2015, 7:00 p.m.
For a lawman, there’s nothing more disturbing than a knock on the door. Sure, it’s probably just an old friend stopping by to wish you well or a neighbor in need of a cup of sugar, but when you’ve seen as much action as I have, you can’t help but wonder whether or not it’s some stickup artist coming to separate you from your wares at gunpoint.
Tentatively, I opened the front door to Tsang’s Hong Kong Palace, the restaurant above which I occupied a small office.
Sure enough, I found a tiny trio of masked hoodlums with their hands out.
“TRICK OR TREAT!” they shouted.
One of them wore a black mask and a cape. I think he was supposed to be that Darth Vader cat from that flick I watched with Agnes the Librarian this summer. The kid in the middle was some kind of space alien and there was also a girl dressed up as a fairy princess.
“Now see here, bums,” I said. “I don’t know what gave you the impression that this is some kind of charity operation but I’ll have you know this is a capitalist establishment, see? Head down the street three blocks and take a right if you want the nearest soup kitchen. You’ll find no New Deal Democrats here.”
“Oh Jake, knock it off!”
Ms. Tsang, my landlady, dressed up as a hideous green witch, walked over with a bowl of candy and doled out free goodies to the little freeloaders.
“Thank you,” said the Darth Vader kid.
“Lose this address, degenerates,” I said as I slammed the door in the kids’ faces.
Ms. Tsang walloped me in the shoulder.
“Get in the Halloween spirit!” she said. “You used to take me trick or treating and you never complained this much.”
“Yeah,” I replied. “But that was back when kids made their own costumes and didn’t buy a plastic get-up from the pharmacy and you could trust that your neighbor wasn’t some kind of a nut job pervert sticking razor blades in the candy apples. Hell, you could even eat an unwrapped candy apple. Like everything else in this time period, Halloween has gone downhill fast.”
Ms. Tsang handed me the candy bowl.
“Man the door,” she commanded. “Pass out the treats. Keep the lectures to yourself.”
“Free food to any jerk that knocks on the door,” I said. “I swear the…”
“The Commies didn’t win!” Ms. Tsang interrupted as she headed for the kitchen.
My niece knew me all too well.
I spied one of the minuscule candy bars.
“Fun size,” I read on the wrapper. “What’s so fun about it?”
Another knock.
“Can’t you loafers read the sign?!” I asked as I opened the door. “NO SOLICITORS!”
Delilah K. Donnelly, Legal Counsel for a Website with 3.5 Readers
Oops. It wasn’t a Trick or Treater this time. It was delicious dish Delilah K. Donnelly, Attorney for our mutual client, Bookshelf Q. Battler.
Hair as if she’d just stepped out of the finest salon and a dress to match, she was a stunning vision as always.
Now there was one treat I’d like to trick.
“Have I come at a bad time, Mr. Hatcher?”
“Ms. Donnelly!” I said. “No, not at all!”
I showed her in.
“I apologize for that obnoxious outburst,” I said as I took the lady’s faux fur stole. “I thought you were someone else. You can feel free to solicit me anytime. Early and often, preferably.”
“I haven’t time to feign a lack of disgust in the face of your perverse inclinations, Mr. Hatcher,” Delilah said. “I’ve come on most important business.”
“Of course,” I said. “Please, tell me all about it. Can I offer you something sweet, delicious and fun sized?”
“Thank you but no,” Delilah said as she walked toward the booth in the back left hand corner of the restaurant. “I refrain from candy.”
“Who said anything about candy?” I asked.
Bookshelf Battle 