Tag Archives: science

Oct 04 2015
3 Comments
Movie Reviews, Self Publishing

Movie Review – The Martian (2015) (And What It Does For Self-Publishing)

“You do the math. You solve one problem. And then you solve another. And then another. Solve enough and you stay alive.”

– Mark Watney, The Martian

An astronaut trapped on Mars.  A daring rescue mission.  Matt Damon.  Jeff Daniels.  Jessica Chastain.  Kate Mara.  Sean Bean.  Kristen Wiig.  The list of top actors on this movie is too long to keep rattling names off but the biggest star of all?

SCIENCE!

Yes, in an age where people want more explosions, sex, and what the hell, explosive sex, Alien director Ridley Scott made a movie that not only entertains but educates.

Put on your spacesuit, 3.5 readers, and let’s talk about what this movie does not only for science, but for the world of self-publishing.

The Martian – Twentieth Century Fox

OK, first of all, let’s address the proverbial elephant on the sofa, the gorilla in the barcalounger, if you will.

But BQB!  Aren’t you trapped in the middle of the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse?

I sure am, 3.5 readers.  Luckily, I’ve got Alien Jones’ plutonium powered space phone and the Esteemed Brainy One managed to stream it for my group of survivors last night.  It really lifted our spirits, because as you may have heard, we’re currently riding out the zompoc in Price Town, one of the last three stores still open at the nearly abandoned East Randomtown Mall.

HOW BIG WAS THIS MOVIE?

A “friend” of mine sent me an e-mail to let me know that this movie was so big that he’d never seen a line so long at the theater he usually goes to before.  The poor chump ended up stuck in that damn front row spot.  You know, the one where you have to keep your neck craned skywards for two hours and you have to look to the left when a character on the left is talking and a character on the right is talking.

What a jackass.  Guy probably should have taken into account how popular the movie would be and gotten there earlier.

Either that or he could have skipped the popcorn and soda.  God knows that fatty doesn’t need it.

Oh sorry, I shouldn’t speak ill of my friend on my blog.  Good thing only 3.5 people read this.

THE PLOT

A storm causes a team of astronauts to abandon their mission on Mars.  One of their teammates, Mark Watney, is impaled, presumed dead, and abandoned.

Whoops!  He’s still alive, but the the Red Planet is so far away that NASA won’t be able to get help to him any soon.

THE SCIENCE

One of the biggest challenges for a writer is to a) explain to the reader how a character is going to extricate himself from a sticky situation with enough detail so as to not leave the reader feeling cheated and yet b) not go overboard to the point where the reader feels like dozing off.

Enter Andy Weir.  The Martian is based off of Weir’s novel of the same name.

A computer programmer, Weir made all sorts of calculations, estimates, and scientific conclusions on how, in theory, an astronaut trapped on Mars could live long enough to find a way back home.

“I’m going to have to science the shit out of this,”  Damon, as Watney, says.

And science the shit out of it, he does.  Literally.  He uses his own shit as fertilizer for potato plants.  Potatoes then become Mark’s only form of sustenance and I’m willing to bet he reached a point where he never wanted to see another french fry ever again.

Aside from the potato plants, I don’t want to go into too much detail on the science angle.  A)  To do so would be to provide you with too many SPOILERS and b) some of it my brain was too feeble to understand and other parts I did understand but am not sure I could explain it correctly.

Suffice to say, there’s a lot of brainy people involved.  NASA scientists on the ground work on a rescue plan while Watney on Mars works on his own survival.

For any kid out there interested in science, this film provides role models to look up to, not just in the form of the astronauts, but the people – technicians, engineers, specialists, scientists, etc. working to bring their colleague home.

Science, kids.  It’s the way of the future.

WHAT DOES THIS MOVIE MEAN FOR SELF-PUBLISHING?

The Martian started out as a free serial on Andy’s blog.  He as just a guy who really loved math, science, and space.  So he took his passions and funneled them into a project to entertain his blog readers.  (I bet he had more than 3.5 of them.)

As he explained in an interview with Johnny, Sean and Dave of the Self-Publishing Podcast, he put the novel on Amazon at the request of some of his readers who preferred an e-reader format over reading it on a blog.  Not out to make any money and not thinking it would go anywhere, Weir put his novel on Amazon, priced it at 99-cents, and let his blog readers know it was available.

The novel took off and the rest was history.

By the way, I recommend listening to Andy’s SPP interview as it is an inspiration to anyone interested in self-publishing.  Success doesn’t happen overnight and it certainly didn’t for Andy.  He started blogging way back in 1999.  A sixteen year journey to the big screen!

Keep plugging away, 3.5 readers/writers.  Success might seem so far away as to be pointless, but then again, you’re already ahead of those who gave up.

I’ve sought out opinions as to what this movie means for self-publishers.  Andy’s novel was originally self-published before he was approached by a literary agent and sold it to a big publisher.

Does this mean the general public will look at self-publishers in a whole new light?  That if one man was able to take a project on his blog and turn it into a blockbuster film starring Matt Damon and other stars, might that not cause people to pay more attention to self-published works?

One person I spoke with answered no.  His reasoning was the majority of the movie going public doesn’t really care who wrote a book or how the book was made.  They just want to be entertained and thus this won’t do a lot to bring attention to self-publishing.

Technically, I think he’s right, but therein lies the rub.

As self-publishers, our WHOLE GOAL is to provide a piece of entertainment crafted so well that no one notices it wasn’t made by a team of big shots.

Because at the end of the day, when you turn on the TV, do you pay that much attention if a show is on NBC, CBS, or Showtime or do you just pick and watch shows because they grab your attention?

Have you ever said, “Well, I’ll never watch THAT film because it was made by Fox and Goddamn it, this is a Sony household!”

Have you ever walked into a bookstore, strolled over to the clerk, and said, “Excuse me, will you point me to the Random House books because I’m ONLY a Random House reader and I’ll never allow a Penguin book to sully my eyes!”

No.  No one cares who was behind a piece of entertainment so long as it is entertaining.

And that, my 3.5 readers, is what I believe this movie does for self-publishers.

It gives their collective souls a boost.  Andy Weir becomes another Hugh Howey to look up to.  “If that guy did it, then I can do it too!”

After all, when Andy got his start, his readers weren’t saying, “Ugh!  This book was not put out by a traditional publishing house?  No thank you!”

They were saying, “An astronaut who gets trapped on Mars and has to figure out how to survive?!  That sounds so cool!  Sign me up!”

When you’re in the clothing store, do you check the label on that shirt that caught your eye?  Nope.  You’ll just buy it because you like it.

Write cool stories, 3.5 readers and if they’re entertaining enough, people won’t bother to check the label.

Thanks 3.5.  I have to go fight the zombie apocalypse now.

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Sep 30 2015
1 Comment
The Bookshelf Battleverse

A Guide to the Bookshelf Battleverse – Part 5 – Villains

THE YETI

Stupid Yeti

                           Stupid Yeti

An international fuzzy war criminal, the beast known simply as “The Yeti” believes the entire world should be as boring and brutal as his home, the frozen wasteland of Siberia.  Earlier this year, the Yeti traveled to East Randomtown, subdued Bookshelf Q. Battledog, infiltrated BQB HQ, and held Bookshelf Q. Battler hostage for over a month.

Eventually gaining the upper hand, BQB was able to subdue the Yeti by landing a roundhouse kick to the monster’s furry face.

The Yeti is currently housed in a frozen prison deep beneath BQB HQ, allowed out only on Thursday evenings for Scandal night because to not allow him to participate would be mean.

DR. HUGO VON SCIENCE

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Dr. Hugo Von Science is a distinguished Professor of Science at the Advanced Science Institute of Science University, not to mention BQB’s former mentor while our resident nerd was a student at this fine institution.

Considered “the most trusted name in science,” Dr. Hugo has patented over a bazillion inventions, including teflon pants, the incredible exploding chinchilla, and the two-jump pogo stick, capable of delivering the user anywhere in the world through only two jumps.

He comes across as kind and brilliant, an ambassador for the scientific community to the world of laymen.  However, as seen is his column, “You Can’t Argue With Science,” he occasionally drops hints that he might be mulling over various plots to conquer the world.

BLANDIE SETTLER

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She doesn’t really qualify as a villain, but it’s hard to know where else to put her in a guide to the Bookshelf Battleverse.  Ms. Settler yelled at BQB morning, noon, and night, belittling his writing career and the size of his…ego.   She literally had this expression on her face at all times during the relationship.

In fact, this is a copy of a photo BQB kept hanging on his wall to reminisce about his ex until he met VGRF.

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Sep 27 2015
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You Can't Argue with Science

You Can’t Argue With Science – Super Blood Moon Eclipse

By:  Dr. Hugo Von Science, Prestigious Science Professor

The Most Trusted Name in Science

The Most Trusted Name in Science

Guten Tag, Herr 3.5 readers!

Dr. Hugo Von Science here mit mein column, “You Can’t Argue With Science.”  You really can’t, can you mein leipshin?  Go on.  Pick a fight mit a telescope and see what happens.  Nothing.

Perhaps you remember me from one of mein amazing inventions:

  • Decrapitrexen – the miracle cure that eliminates the need for bowel eliminations, or zie poopen squirtzen as the layman might say.  Still in zie tweaking phase as zie test chimps have been exploding at a rapid pace because you know, zie laws of physics require that what goes in must either come out or make with zie bing bang boom.
  • Cat Deodorant – makes all felines smell like fresh boysenberries, but good luck spritzing it under their furry armpits.
  • Das Cheaten-engine – Just sold it to mein good friends at Volkswagen.  What?  Did something go wrong?  I haven’t been watching the news.

Undt last but not least:

  • The Shark Slinger – Ha…ha ha…MUAH HA HA!!!  All nations must bow down before me or else I will rain down a furious storm of sharks across the globe and…WOOPSIE!  That one’s not quite perfected yet.  Mein bad.

Anyhoodles, just a quick column to remind Herr 3.5 readers of two things:

  • Super Blood Moon Eclipse – It’s happening tonight.  The moon will turn red and then go into eclipse.  It won’t happen again until 2033 (by which time our robot overlords won’t allow any of us outside) so please, mein leipshin, turn off zie TV and dragenzie asses outside to catch this miracle of science!
  • The Reality TV Star Transmogrifier – I’ll be holding an exhibition of mein latest invention this Thursday at the East Randomtown Mall.  You know, zie one with only three operational stores left and zie rest of zie place looks like a ghost town thanks to e-commerce.  Reality stars will be on hand to help me test mein latest invention, which changes them from useless wastes of space who just do nothing all day while cameras follow them around into productive members of society and not zombies at all.  Don’t worry, mein leipshin.  Nothing could possibly go wrong.  After all, I am Dr. Hugo Von Science, Distinguished Professor of Science at the Advanced Science Institute of Science University, not to mention, zie most trusted name in science.

Dr. Hugo Von Science is a Distinguished Professor of Science at the Advanced Science Institute of Science University. He has patented over a bazillion inventions and may or may not be attempting to conquer the world in his spare time. His column, “You Can’t Argue with Science” is a recurring feature on the Bookshelf Battle Blog.

The management of the East Randomtown Mall would like to remind BQB’s 3.5 readers that everyone is welcome to attend Dr. Hugo’s demonstration this Thursday, free of charge.  It’s perfectly safe and absolutely no one will be turned into zombies.  

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Aug 16 2015
3 Comments
Ask the Alien

Ask the Alien – 8/16/15 – G.P. Eynon – Why Do Aliens Have Better Stuff?

Greetings Earth losers!

Alien Jones here, beaming the Bookshelf Battle Blog full of extra-terrestial extra-intelligence.

This week’s question comes from G.P. Eynon, proprietor of the blog, “How Do You Pronounce Eynon?”

I can relate, G.P.  Humans can’t pronounce my name either, so that’s why I have to go with “Alien Jones” for the purposes of this column.

Have you ever considered you might be an alien?  Food for thought.

The Esteemed Brainy One, Champion of Science, Despiser of Pants

The Esteemed Brainy One, Champion of Science, Despiser of Pants

Anyway, G.P.’s inquiry:

Ok, here’s a question for you Esteemed Brainy One. How come you aliens always have better stuff than us, you know: starships, probes, laser guns, and the like? And when we finally get ourselves some quality starships, probes, laser guns, and the like, what the hell are you guys gonna be using? Do we even stand a chance…?

Good question.

The short answer is…we are totally smarter than you.

The longer answer starts with…sex.

Or rather, my species’ inability to have it since we’re clones and those pesky bits and pieces that often manage to be the downfall of human kind have been written out of our genetic code for eons.

For more on this issue, I recommend picking up a copy of the Mighty Potentate’s copious volume, “Sex:  The Bane of the Universe’s Existence.”

In it, the Mightiest of Potentates explains:

  • How all beings pretend like they do the work they do to fulfill themselves but really, everyone’s just looking for an angle to get rich and famous so they can obtain the mate of their dreams.
  • That in theory, this sounds like a good motivational tool to inspire the masses to dream big, live large, and dedicate themselves to education and hard work.
  • But in reality, all the greats who invent something magnificent usually switch their brains off once all the money and sex starts rolling in.
  • That my planet, the name of which is none of your business, was, many thousands of years ago, not unlike Earth.  War, pestilence, plagues, famine, reality television, all which came about due to various despots seeking to prove their worthiness in the hopes of getting, well, you guessed it.
  • That once aliens of my species were cloned sans junk, our world became a happier place, one where we were free to experiment, try new ideas, explore, discover and create without fear that failure might lead to us not getting sex, because you know, we’re not interested now.
  • And finally, that despite our sexless existence, sometimes our egos get in the way, thus the need for the Mighty Potentate to remind us that our transgressions = vaporization.

By the way, more than lack of sex, the Mighty Potentate’s threats of vaporization are additional factor to which I attribute the advancement of our society.

For example, take the memoirs of Alien Guzman, inventor of the first intergalactic flight capable spaceship:

“While many before me looked at the stars and saw them as mere decorations dotting the sky, I dared to dream that one day I would be able to visit them.  They are real, tangible, and the only thing that separated me from them was science.  I would deny my dream no longer, for the limits of my ability are only limited by the depths of my imagination.

Also, the Mighty Potentate wanted a spaceship and said he’d totally vaporize the shit out of me if he didn’t get one.”

– Alien Guzman, The Esteemed Flying One

How moving.  Or what about this quote from Dr. Alien Himmelfarb, who discovered the cure for alien cancer?

“This disease had cut short the lives of too many.  It left nothing but suffering in its wake, for its victims as well as the caretakers of those afflicted.  Something needed to be done.  Society could no longer be allowed to live in fear of the ravages of this intolerable malady.

Also, the Mighty Potentate was diagnosed with it and threatened to vaporize the crap out of me if I didn’t cure him.”

– The Esteemed Healing One

There you have it.  In short, the key for humans to become better inventors is two-fold:

  1.  Clone your genitals out of existence.
  2. Swear allegiance to a maniacal despot who will motivate you through threats of vaporization.

Really, number three would be “invent vaporization” but I suppose you could replace it with any manner of demise until one of your human scientists realizes that a vaporization cannon can be created by hooking up a dehumidifier to a leaf blower and filling it with…

Nope.  Never mind.  I’ve said too much.

Now, to the next part of your question.

And when we finally get ourselves some quality starships, probes, laser guns, and the like, what the hell are you guys gonna be using? Do we even stand a chance…?

We aliens have done our best to keep humans from inventing these items, largely as we fear you’re not able to handle the consequences of them, but mostly because we fear you’ll use them to export reality television.

Surely, we can’t keep this up forever, and you are correct.  By the time humans develop breakthroughs that are yesterday’s news to us aliens, we’ll already be onto the next thing.

Predictions:

STARSHIPS – will be replaced with intergalactic teleportation.  The venerable Alien Reynolds has already developed the technology, it’s just a matter of creating a business model.  Some aliens think there should be a gateway portal every ten miles, while others believe that there should be a gateway in every alien’s living room.  Rumor has it that the Mighty Potentate is currently considering the issuance of a vaporization threat, so you can expect this to get off the ground shortly.

PROBES – Already obsolete.  After millennia of probing, there’s no spoilers left in your spoiler, as it were.

LASER GUNS – have been obsolete since the invention of vaporization cannons.  Currently, firearms expert Alien Alvarez has been commissioned by the Mighty Potentate to develop a prototype explode-o-vaporizer cannon.  If successful, the device will cause a target to spontaneously explode, and then the remaining pieces are instantly vaporized.  Word has it that AA is behind schedule and that the MP has declared that if he doesn’t pick up the pace soon, AA will be required to invent the device and then immediately use it to explode AND vaporize himself.

In closing, humans will always be woefully behind aliens, but by adjusting your society, getting ridding of your sex drives, and swearing fealty to a vaporization happy dictator, you’ll catch up in no time.

Look at that.  I finished this column on schedule.  I won’t be vaporized today!  Huzzah!

Alien Jones is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle Blog, on a mission to raise Earth’s collective intelligence levels one question at a time. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Tweet it to @bookshelfbattle on Twitter, leave it in the comments on bookshelfbattle.com, or stop by Bookshelf Battle on Google Plus. If he likes your question, he might even promote your book, blog, other project in his answer.

Image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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Aug 06 2015
3 Comments
Pop Culture Mysteries

Pop Culture Mysteries – Fan Dime Drops – For the 3.5 (Part 2)

PREVIOUSLY ON POP CULTURE MYSTERIES…

Part 1

AND NOW THE POP CULTURE MYSTERIES CONTINUE…

In a cramped study room, we sat across a table from one another, sizing each other up, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Delilah was a gorgeous specimen of a lady, everything perfect, not a single hair out of place.  My inner animal wanted to gobble her up, but we weren’t there for hanky panky.

We were there to bargain.

Never cross a lady lawyer.

Never cross a lady lawyer.

She clacked open her briefcase and handed me a dossier.  Inside?

Printouts from the Bookshelf Battle Blog.

“Your reports have pleased Mr. Battler.  Sometimes his readership spikes to a grand total of 17.5 readers when there’s a Pop Culture Mysteries post.”

“Good for him,”  I replied.  “He might as well start packing his bags for LaLa Land.  He can have it.”

“Mr. Battler’s readers have enjoyed your files to the point where they have mysteries of their own.”

“As much as I’d like to stare at your lovely face all day, Ms. Donnelly, I’ve got a beep boop machine class to get back to, so let’s grab a pair of scissors and cut to the chase, shall we?”

“Very well.  Three readers have stepped forward with entertainment related questions that deserve an answer and as Mr. Battler’s resident detective, that task falls on your shoulders.”

“How much?”

“Nothing,”  Delilah said.  “You’ve already agreed to do it gratis.”

The conniving counselor handed me the contract I signed the night I first met her, as well as a magnifying glass.  I scrutinized the document and low and behold, she wasn’t just whistling dixie:

Mr. Hatcher agrees to solve any Pop Culture Mysteries posed to him by Mr. Battler’s 3.5 readers.

Take a note.  When you’re dealing with a foxy broad, always check the fine print.

“What in the name of J. Edgar Hoover’s evening gown are you trying to pull here, sister?!”

I took another peak through the magnifying glass.

“What’s this about selling my kidneys?!”

Delilah snatched the paper back.

“Best we focus on the matter at hand, Mr. Hatcher.  You should be delighted.  Mr. Battler’s renewing your tales for a second season.”

“I don’t care about any of that, doll.  I just want to go home.  Your client is a real snake in the grass for holding out on me.”

“Our client, Mr. Hatcher.  Now then, Mr. Battler does not expect a thorough investigation for these questions.  He has simply asked me to relay his 3.5 inquiries and to obtain your reaction.  Certainly, these shorter mysteries will be no match for a investigator of your skill.”

I doubt she meant it, if there was any way to win over the shattered pieces of my heart, a compliment from a good looking lady was it.

I’m sure she knew that and used it to her advantage.

DELILAH:  Mr. Hatcher, Michael Gunter of “Michael Gunter’s Tales of Today and Yesterday” contacted Mr. Battler with this concern:

Here’s one for ya, Hatcher!

The mark’s name is Nedry. Dennis Nedry. He ticked off the wrong people (don’t mess with mega-corporations) and got eaten by a dinosaur. But that’s not your problem. What we want to know is why the idiot shut down ALL the security systems. If he programmed the whole system, why didn’t he just set it up so he could shut down specific systems, instead of letting every dinosaur in the park loose? I’d make a joke about buggy code, but he got eaten, didn’t he? Joke practically wrote itself.

I lit up my cigar and had a puff.  The carcinogens danced to and fro in my lungs as I mulled over my answer.

“Gunter,”  I said.  “Another one of these Mickey Spillane types with a blog-a-ma-call-it?”

“Indeed,”  Delilah said.  “I’ve heard he can even be followed on twitter @GunterWriting.”

I turned away and exhaled my exhaust.  I’d no sooner coat Ms. Donnelly’s visage with fumes than I would the Mona Lisa.

“I’m the last cat you want to be asking questions about beep boop machines,”  I said.  “After all, I am a student in an introductory computer course taught by an old broad who can beep boop laps around me.  Why was this Nedry character on the lam?”

“Corporate espionage,”  Ms. Donnelly answered.  “Mr. Nedry was secretly paid for a rival company that wanted Jurassic Park’s dinosaur genetic material.”

“Yeesh,”  I said.  “The stuff that passes for cinema now.  Well, like I said, computers go over my head higher than a Boeing, but I’ve caught a lot of crooks and I’d wager Nedry did it just to screw with the employer he was already screwing.  Maybe he thought it’d be harder to track him down if his co-workers were busy wrangling dinosaurs.  Or, and I know this is probably an unsatisfactory answer, but maybe he just did it because it wouldn’t have been much of a flick if all the dinosaurs remained in their cages in a safe and secure manner.”

“An astute answer,”  Delilah said.  “I shall have Mr. Battler contact Mr. Gunter with the details shortly.”

“Who else wants a piece of the Jersey Jabber?”

Do you have a Pop Culture Mystery?  Drop a dime!  Tweet your entertainment questions to @bookshelfbattle or leave them in the comments below.  

Copyright (c) 2015 Bookshelf Q. Battler.  All Rights Reserved.

Image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license. 

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Jul 28 2015
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31 Zombie Authors

31 Zombie Authors – What Questions Do You Have?

The authors of zombie books or “zombie authors” are starting to express interest.

As you recall, this October, Bookshelf Battle will briefly become “Spookyshelf Battle” and if all goes to plan, 31 authors of zombie books will provide me with daily advice on how to escape the zombie apocalypse that will descend upon East Randomtown due to a Dr. Hugo Von Science experiment gone awry.

What questions do you have for our esteemed zombie author guests, oh wise 3.5 readers?

BEHOLD!  THE FACE OF THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE:

Guten Tag, Herr 3.5 Readers!

Guten Tag, Herr 3.5 Readers!

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Jul 24 2015
3 Comments
Ask the Alien

The Mighty Potentate Responds to the Discovery of Kepler-452b

By:  The Mighty Potentate, Alien Jones’ Boss and Supreme Overlord of a Planet the Name of Which is None of Your Damn Business

Alien Jones' Boss, the Mighty Potentate.

ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY POTENTATE!

Greetings, Pitiful Humans!

Alien Jones’ boss, the Mighty Potentate, here to respond to rumors vis a vis this fiasco:

Yes, your Earth scientists, who think they are all big and brainy but in actuality are about as witty as a Banji Beast’s Butt Burst compared to the legion of geniuses under my command, claim to have discovered an Earth-like planet, one potentially capable of sustaining life.

Let us address the question that has no doubt entered your minds:

Is this Alien Jones’ home world, the one I, the Mighty Potentate, rule over with an iron fist?

THE ANSWER:  NO!

Muah ha ha!  Foolish hairless apes.  You really thought it would be that easy to locate a planet under the control of a being with a brain as copious and learned as mind?

Hilarious!  The notion brings nothing but laughter to me.  Ha.  Ha, I say!  Ha.

No, this is not my secret planet and therefore, your degenerate Hollywood executives should, UNDER NO MEANS:

1)  Use this telescope contraption to beam your insipid reality television programs to my, er, this planet’s media viewing devices.

2)  Build spacecraft capable of long range flight to deliver reality television stars to this world.  I mean, it’s not mine, but seriously, no planet deserves an influx of reality TV.  Keep it to yourself.

3)  Develop more obnoxious reality TV programs in the hopes of selling them to the residents of this planet.

4)  Don’t just start calling it a random name like Kepler-425b.  Perhaps this planet has a much cooler name.  I don’t know what it’s name is.  Why are you asking me?  I wouldn’t tell you if I knew it’s name anyway.  It’s none of your business, losers.  Seriously, just showing up to a place already inhabited, acting like you own it and can just move in, ignoring the beings that already live there.  You humans have a bad habit of doing that, you know.

Whoever the inhabitants of this mysterious planet may be, rest assured had they wanted you poking your big noses around, they’d of invited you to do so long ago, pathetic humans.

Whoever the inhabitants of this planet are, maybe all they ever wanted was to kidnap and probe a few of you to find out what makes you tick (specimens were surely given right back) and make crop circles as practical jokes.  No doubt a wise ruler put an end to those practices long ago, though some of his dumber subjects probably don’t listen.

What?  I’m talking about some other planet.  Stop asking questions.

In closing, REMOVE THE OFFENDING TELESCOPE CONTRAPTION FROM MY ORBIT IMMEDIATELY OR PREPARE FOR INTERGALACTIC CONQUEST!

Er, I mean, or don’t.  I don’t care.  Because that’s totally not my planet.

CEASE PUBLIC TRANSMISSION.

PRIVATE TRANSMISSION.

Not to be shared publicly with the worthless humans.

ALIEN JONES!  You were ordered to keep the humans away!  First, it’s this damnable satellite!  Next, my TV will have nothing but “Bowling Alley Disco Makeover” and “Who Wants to Be a Barracuda Farmer?”

Double your efforts towards launching BQB’s writing career, Alien Jones!  He and the self-published authors promoted in your Ask the Alien column are our only hope!

Fix this immediately, or it’s Welcome to Vaporization City: Population You!

End of Private Transmission.

Alien Jones is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Submit it to Bookshelf Q. Battler via a tweet to @bookshelfbattle, leave it in the comment section on this site, or drop it off on the Bookshelf Battle Google + page. If AJ likes your question, he might promote your book, blog, or other project while providing his answer.

ALIEN JONES’ GUARANTEE:  If you don’t like AJ’s response, just let him know and he’ll file it into the recycling bin of his monolithic super computer. No muss, no fuss, no problem.

Alien image courtesy of openclipart.org

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Jul 05 2015
3 Comments
Ask the Alien

Ask the Alien – 7/05/15 – Higgs Boson

By: Alien Jones, Intergalactic Correspondent

Greetings Earth Losers.  Alien Jones here, once again helping Bookshelf Q. Battler’s blog, purely out of a desire to help this nerd get his writing career off the ground and not because the Mighty Potentate has threatened to vaporize me while my government mandated life mate watches.

Ahh, that Mighty Potentate.  What a card.

Alien Steve hard at work on the Potentate Particle

Alien Steve hard at work on the Potentate Particle

As you 3.5 readers are aware, I have other commitments.  I’ve been busy trying to quell a brewing civil war in the Kovire system. Something to do with a scandal involving one of the ruling dictator’s 10,000 wives.  I’ll spare you the sordid details.

Suffice to say I’ve been busy, so my apologies for getting to this question so late. Author K.D. Rose whose works include The Brevity of Twit: Poetry in 140 Characters asks:

June 22.  Welcome to the Bookshelf Battle Blog, where our motto is, “We get to your questions before the next Ice Age.”

Ahh yes, Higgs Boson.  You adorable humans think you’ve unlocked the secrets of the so-called “God Particle.”

Here’s a NY Times explanation presented in a manner easily understood by the delicate human brain.

Watching humans work on science is like watching a monkey try to open up a can of beans, except sooner or later the monkey actually accomplishes the task.

While Earth scientists have done their best in this area, my colleague, Alien Steve, the most revered scientist on my home planet, made this discovery eons ago.  Dubbed, “the Potentate Particle,” Alien Steve determined through carefully conducted scientific analysis that the field in which particles are located is made out of microscopic grape jelly particles.

It makes sense when you try to wrap your mind around it.  Grape jelly holds things together, whether it be two slices of bread or many, many particles.

Of course, Alien Steve named his discovery in honor of our beloved Supreme and Undisputed Overlord, the Mighty Potentate, because of his love and admiration for our illustrious benefactor and not out of fear of vaporization.

I mean, legally we’re required on our planet to tell you we do everything out of a sense of love and admiration for the Mightiest of Potentates, but that law is silly.  We’d do it anyway because we love and admire the guy so much.

Thank you for question and please continue tweeting your poetry to the twitterverse.

Alien Jones is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle Blog, on a mission to raise Earth’s collective intelligence levels one question at a time. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Tweet it to @bookshelfbattle on Twitter, leave it in the comments on bookshelfbattle.com, or stop by Bookshelf Battle on Google Plus. If he likes your question, he might even promote your book, blog, other project in his answer.

Green alien image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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Jun 30 2015
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You Can't Argue with Science

You Can’t Argue With Science: Why is there an extra “leap” second this year?

By:  Dr. Hugo Von Science, Esteemed Professor of Science at the Advance Science Institute of Science University 

Guten Tag, Herr 3.5 Readers!

Dr. Hugo Von Science here mit mein column, “You Can’t Argue With Science.”

Dr. Hugo Von Science

Dr. Hugo Von Science

It really is futile, mein leipshin.  Go on. Argue with a petri dish and see where it gets you.  Nowhere, that’s where.

Perhaps you remember me from one of mein amazing inventions:

  • The Duck Cannon – The most powerful firearm available for the purpose of launching water foul into orbit (or at your opponents).  Not to be confused with:
  • The “Duck!  Cannon!” – A special monitor you can wear that will shout a warning for you to take cover whenever a cannon of any kind is fired at you.  Also not to be confused with:
  • The “Duck!  Duck Cannon!”  – Similar to the second invention, but it only warns you when the first invention is fired at you.  Really mein leipshin, if you want a money saving tip, just buy the second one as it warns of all types of cannon fire, water foul or otherwise.

Undt last but not least:

  • Das Zombiefier – Provide me with all the gold bullion in the world or I shall unleash an army of the undead on the masses and…woopsie!  Mein bad, this one is classified.

Anyhoo, perhaps you’ve heard there is an extra second this year.

“Why is there an extra second, Dr. Hugo?”

Oh thank you, mein herrs undt frauleins, I thought you’d never ask.

I’ll try to dumb it down for you because I understand that not everyone is lucky enough to have the brain power necessary to be a distinguished professor at the Advanced Science Institute of Science University.

Let me break it down for you:

  • The Earth.  Perhaps you’ve heard of it?  It is the big marble you live on.  Please try to keep up.
  • There are approximately 86,400 seconds in a day.
  • One day = the time it takes the Earth to complete a rotation.
  • The Earth’s rotation is what allows day and night to occur.  Generally speaking, for part of the day, wherever you are is being exposed to the sun, and for the other part, your corner of the world is away from the sun and in the dark.  (There are certain areas where more dark or more light occurs than usual.)
  • Sometimes the Earth gets a little sluggish and takes a little longer to rotate, thus requiring an extra second.
  • Sluggishness occurs for a variety of reasons, but mostly because some of your, not naming any names, need to cut back on the extra helpings of strudel (I’m looking at you 1.5th reader).

More importantly, you might be asking:

Dr. Hugo, what can I do with my extra leap second?

Frankly, mein leipshin, there’s literally only one meaningful thing you can do in a second, and that’s reblog, retweet, or otherwise share a link to one of your favorite posts on the blog of mein former student, the illustrious Bookshelf Q. Battler.

Why waste that extra second on foolish things like waxing your toenail clipping collection when you can help BQB achieve worldwide fame and fortune?

America, your extra leap second will come tonight (Tuesday) at 8 p.m. so go on, use that teensy weensy insignificant morsel of time to help make a nerd’s dream come true.

Be honest.  You were just going to use it to post a picture of what you ate for dinner on Das Fazenbookzen anyway.

Nobody cares what you ate, Herr 3.5.  Nobody cares.

Dr. Hugo Von Science is a Distinguished Professor of Science at the Advanced Science Institute of Science University. He has patented over a bazillion inventions and may or may not be attempting to conquer the world in his spare time. His column, “You Can’t Argue with Science” is a recurring feature on the Bookshelf Battle Blog.

Mad scientist photo courtesy of shutterstock.com

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Jun 27 2015
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Pop Culture Mysteries

Pop Culture Mysteries – Case File #002 – Who Shot First? (Part 6 – Conclusion)

PREVIOUSLY ON POP CULTURE MYSTERIES:

Part 1        Part 4

Part 2        Part 5

Part 3

AND NOW THE POP CULTURE MYSTERIES CONTINUE…

Like a snow cone in my underpants, this case was growing colder and more uncomfortable by the minute.

Hatcher ponders the possibilities.

I consider myself an expert marksman.  You don’t have to take my word for it.  Just ask any of the thousand plus Nazis I introduced to the undertaker.  Those fellas won’t be goose stepping anywhere anytime soon.

Yet, after watching the infamous Han vs. Greedo scene, I was plum out of luck and more mixed up than a cat in a blender.  (FYI Attorney Donnelly reminds readers to keep their cats out of their blenders.)

It was time to turn to the stack of research Agnes found for me.  I had the old gal print it out because I hate staring at those beep boop machine screens.  They’re creepy and like a trip to a discount gynecologist, they leave me feeling strained in more ways than one.

OBSERVATION # 1 – The Scene Has Changed Over the Years 

When I was a boy in Bayonne, a movie came out once and that was it.  Now, they’re re-released every so often.  The motion picture people change it around a little bit, maybe draw a mustache on a fella or put a hat on a guy or something and bammo, they feel justified to over charge John Q. Public to take in a flick they’ve already dished the dough out to watch the first go around.

Here’s what on site on the Interwhatever had on the topic:

“To say “Han shot first” is to refer, often with distaste, to George Lucas’s changes to the original trilogy. Often cited by film purists, this phrase more specifically refers to the changes made to A New Hope Special Edition, in the scene involving the characters Han Solo and Greedo in the cantina. In the original version, after Greedo says “I’ve been looking forward to this moment for a long time” (talking about killing Han), Han replies “Yes, I bet you have” and shoots Greedo under the table while Greedo was pointing a blaster at him (the phrase “Han Shot First” is thus misleading, since only Han shoots in the original version). In the special edition, Greedo shoots at Han and misses, without explanation, from point blank range, and then Han shoots him. Later, it was altered again to have Han and Greedo shooting at almost the same time (though Greedo still shoots first), with Greedo still missing from point blank range. With such a short time between each shot, it could be assumed that Han was already planning to shoot Greedo, rather than reacting to Greedo’s shot.”

“Han Shot First” – Wookieepedia, the Star Wars Wiki

Funny, if that’s the case, maybe my brain was tricked because I swore I saw/heard two shots in the 1977 version but then again, maybe that’s what I was expecting since the “Who shot first?” debate was emblazoned in my brain like a rancher’s brand in a steer’s rump roast.

OBSERVATION #2 – Han Shooting First is Important for Han’s Character Development

Any good guy can take a shot at a palooka who knows it’s coming but it takes a real ice cold so and so to wack a guy without fair warning.

That’s just not sportsmanlike.

But Han Solo isn’t your typical white hat.  He’s an anti-hero.  He’s a man who starts out as being in it for himself but later grows a conscience and devotes himself to the rebel cause.

Thus, for fans of this rogue ne’er-do-well, the idea that Han got a shot off before Greedo knew what hit him is appealing.  Watering it down to make it look like Han gave the green guy a fighting chance is not.

OBSERVATION #3 – Lucas and Ford

George Lucas is the creator of this whole shebang, so you’d think his word would carry some weight.

Personally, I never trust a man who wears that much plaid.

As stated in one news story:

Lucas has insisted that the change was to clear up his original intent — which wasn’t to have Solo appear to be a “cold-blooded killer.” He told The Hollywood Reporter that the original version was not as cut and dried as fans remember. “I put a little wider shot in there that made it clear that Greedo is the one who shot first,” he said.

Reddit Asked Harrison Ford Who Shot First, The Washington Post, April 14, 2014

One might think the fans would go with what the man who made the films they love but then again, it’s been made clear to me through multiple sources that the character known as “Jar Jar Binks” caused Lucas’ credit with sci-fi buffs to take a swan dive into the deep end of the pool.

Further, that same article reports that when asked who shot first, Harrison Ford, the actor who played Solo, responded, “I don’t care.”

Not surprising.  Agnes is a movie buff herself and she tells me Ford is a bit rough around the edges.  Happens to all of us when we get older.

CONCLUSION:  It doesn’t matter.

I hate to leave a case open-ended but this one is up for interpretation.  If you want Han to be a stone cold killer who puts himself over basic rules of fairness, then you’re happy to think he plugged a hole in an alien, catching said alien unawares. You want Han to have shot first (and also to have been the only shooter).

If you want Han to be a respectable type, you’d prefer that he got a shot in after Greedo missed, or that he shot second.

Personally, I don’t like it when history is revised.  We figure out who we are only by taking a good long look at where we came from, so if Solo’s the type of guy who’d sucker blast an unsuspecting alien, then so be it.  No use sugar coating it.

Mr. Lucas did his fans a disservice with his edits, in this gumshoe’s opinion.

But let’s face it.  My opinion plus five cents will get you a steaming cup of joe.

Races use words like “first” and “second.”

A gun battle is not your typical race.

Sure it’s a race to see who can squeeze off a precise, lethal shot first but first or second doesn’t really matter a whole hill of beans.

In this sleuth’s book, the dead guy left on the table lost and the guy who walked away won.

That’s all there is to it.

MOVIE DISCUSSED:

Star Wars

Originally released as “Star Wars” in 1977, later referred to as Episode IV: A New Hope once the prequels arrived.

shutterstock_278169329

Copyright (c) Bookshelf Q. Battler 2015.  All Rights Reserved.

Images courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

Do you have a Pop Culture Mystery?  Put Hatcher on the case.  Drop it in the comments on this site or tweet it to @bookshelfbattle #popculturemysteries.

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