Hello 3.5 losers. Zombie Trump here, doing Bookshelf Q. Battler one hell of a favor by making a special guest appearance on his pitiful excuse for a blog. Do you know that more people have read the ingredients on the back of those restaurant sugar packets than have read this lousy website?
I’ll tell you, BQB should be puckering up and smooching my rotten, undead derrière because getting me on this site is quite a get indeed.
OK, Battler. Get ready for the highest stats ever on this crap hole.
THIS IS GOING TO BE HUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGEEE!
So the gang is back and they’re broodier and angrier than ever.
LAST SEASON
Rick and Co. have spent the past five seasons surviving the zombie menace so at this point they’re all like “Look at us! We know how to live in the dirt and kill zombies and shit!”
Please. Who cares? What kind of a job is that going to allow you to acquire in today’s market?
Oh, by the way, I’m supposed to say SPOILERS ahead or else a bunch of you goons will whine I ruined your favorite show. Look. There’s no way to ruin this show. Zombies try to eat people. People fight back. Some of the people die occasionally. Other times they don’t. There you go.
So Rick’s crew reached Alexandria last season. Alexandria’s a settlement that has survived since the beginning of the zombie apocalypse, thanks to a local politician and her engineer husband WHO BUILT A WALL to keep out the zombies, thus allowing the survivors behind the wall to live productive, zombie free lives.
Hmmm, I wonder which other zombie candidate in the race for the office of President of All Zombies proposed building a wall? Walls work, people. Ask the Chinese. Have they been invaded by Mongolians lately? No. Thanks to the Great Wall. And Alexandria has been able to keep the zombies out thanks to their wall.
Anyway, rather than congratulate the Alexandrians on their foresight to build an anti-zombie wall, Rick and his hoodlums are all like “Waah waah waah, we fought zombies in the woods and wandered around Georgia for five years, blah blah blah, we know everything.”
Yeah clowns. Maybe you should have known to BUILD AN ANTI-ZOMBIE WALL. Stop demanding that others reward you for your own incompetence, losers.
THIS SEASON
This first episode was some kind of half black and white, half color Tarantino style nonsense where they jumped between the past and the future. I’m not going to lie. For the first half-hour, I thought my zombie television was on the fritz, but I knew that couldn’t be, because I reside at the luxurious Zombie Trump Taj Mahal, where everything is really classy.
The big problem the group faced is that there was some kind of ridiculous zombie dam that was about to break loose and send the zombies on a big charge towards Alexandria.
Zombies tend to have a herd mentality. Few are strong, independent forward thinking zombies like myself, who dare to pledge to make the Zombie Nation great again.
Rick’s big plan is to lead these zombies on a zombie parade, manipulating them down a path through sounds and (hey what do you know) WALLS designed to keep the undead from straying.
Wait a minute. So zombies are that easy to control? Just put a damn hill billy on a motorcycle and they’ll go anywhere you want them to? Doesn’t that kind of negate the last five seasons? Why doesn’t Daryl just lead all the undead off a cliff and save the world already then?
Seems like a big plot hole to this zombie. But then again, it is a show about people who fight zombies so I suppose you have to suspend disbelief a bit to enjoy it.
Just like how Bookshelf Q. Battler suspends disbelief about how sucktastic his blog is so he can bring himself to keep blogging anyway.
Enjoy your hits running off the rails, Battler. I’m off to dine on some first class brains at Chez Zombie Trump, the number one eatery in the world for zombies. It’s so extravagant it makes all other zombie eateries look like the Outback Steakhouse.
Today’s guest is Kate L. Mary, author of the Broken World series. Follow protagonist Vivian Thomas on the road in the midst of zombie mayhem as she and her DD’s convince a duo of redneck brothers to give her a ride to California so she can locate the daughter she gave up for adoption.
A stay-at-home mother and Air Force wife, Kate and her family have lived in Georgia, Mississippi, South Carolina, California and Oklahoma.
Her Amazon author page states:
“Kate prefers nerdy, non-traditional heroes who can make you laugh to hunky pieces of man-meat…”
So in other words, there’s a distinct chance I might be able to convince her to become the Bookshelf Battle Blog’s 4.5th reader.
Hello Kate. Thanks for taking my call on the space phone.
NOTE: BQB=BOLD; KATE=ITALICS
Q. Let’s talk about the role of trust in a zombie apocalypse. Sometimes a disaster can bring out the best in people. Other times, it can bring out the worst. Unfortunately, you never know who you’re dealing with until it’s too late. My group and I, having just located a survivor camp operated by a retired used car salesman/former television extra, are having trust issues. I think it’s a pretty sweet set-up. My girlfriend thinks we should run. Naturally I thought about Vivian, who makes the tough decision to trust a pair of redneck brothers on her quest to find her daughter. Can anyone ever be fully trusted in a zombie apocalypse?
A. Trusting people during normal times can be tough, but when it comes to a lawless world it’s an even bigger gamble. I know a lot of people hold the belief that humans are basically good, but I wholeheartedly disagree. People are full of bad intentions, and too often the only thing keeping them from acting on those intentions are the consequences. Take away the threat of punishment, and the world will very quickly get a lot darker.
In the case of the used car salesman/former television extra, I’d have to say I’m with your girlfriend. I know the idea of a used car salesman being sleazy and underhanded is just a stereotype, but throw the role of television extra on top of that and every warning bell in my head goes off. This person spent his free time pretending to be someone else on a regular basis. What makes you think that just because the world has ended, he’s stopped pretending?
Q. As a fan of zombie books, movies, TV shows, etc., I’ve noticed that whenever a group of people happen upon a place offering shelter and safety, it’s usually some kind of trick. Someone inevitably ends up robbed, beaten, killed, sold into slavery, chopped up into lunch meat or what have you. Maybe that’s why my better half is so jittery.
As a noted zombie author, can you settle a debate that’s long ranged in the world of zombie fandom? When survivors happen upon a settlement operated by seemingly nice people, should their response be, “Feets don’t fail me now!” or “Thank you for your hospitality. I think I will join you!”
A. In a disaster like this, the idea that there are no good people left in the world has me thinking one thing: If that’s true, why go on? If you’re a good person just trying to survive, you have to assume there are other people out there with good intentions as well. But trusting someone shouldn’t be your first inclination or you’re liable to get robbed, beaten, killed, sold into slavery, or chopped up into lunchmeat. I think it’s important to give off a “thank you for your hospitality” vibe while keeping your eyes open for anything suspicious, much like Rick and crew did when they first arrived at Terminus at the end of season four of The Walking Dead. You have to keep hope alive or you’ll find yourself turning into the very monster you’re afraid to run into, but you need to be smart about it as well.
Q1) Is that actually true or is that just something that women say before they make a beeline for the hunky man meat?
A. It’s actually true! While hunky pieces of man meat are great to look at, that was never the type of man I dated, and it definitely won’t be who I rely on when the zombie apocalypse hits. Strength will only get you so far before a horde of zombies decides they want to feast on a meal of muscles, but intelligence will keep you going. And a sense of humor will not only keep you from losing your mind, but give you something to keep going for. While I do share the common problem of most female Walking Dead viewers—a love of Daryl Dixon—I have to admit that I’m in major awe of Glenn Rhee. I wouldn’t mind teaming up with him at the end of the world!
Q2) Point of clarification: Are we talking about a full blown, genuine, bonafide Star Wars toy owning geek despite being an adult type of nerd or the Hollywood version of a nerd, which is usually just a hunky piece of man meat that someone in wardrobe whipped a pair of glasses on? (A hunk in nerd’s clothing, if you will.)
A. I’m all about the adorable kind of nerd. Star Wars toys aren’t a must, but they also aren’t unwelcome—I own a few nerdy Walking Dead toys myself. My husband is a toy collecting nerd as well. For Father’s Day the last two years I got him Simpsons Lego sets. They are currently assembled and on display above our fireplace.
Q3) What is it about a nerdy/non-traditional hero that intrigues you?
A. I think it’s the unexpected. Seeing someone who didn’t think much of himself before the apocalypse rises to the challenge and becomes an important part of a group’s survival. Anyone who looks at a “hunky” guy will assume he’s going to be able to take care of himself, but it’s the people who surprise even themselves who are the most enjoyable to root for.
Q4) Who are some of your favorite nerdy, non-traditional, non-hunky heroes?
A. Glen Rhee of course. The evolution of his character over the last five seasons has been incredible to watch. Every now and then I like to turn on an episode from season one of The Walking Dead just to compare the characters, and seeing how much he has grown since then is mind-blowing.
I was also a huge fan of Chuck when it was on. Watching Chuck fumble his way through assignments was adorable, but seeing how much he had changed by the end of the series was even more fun.
Q. The Broken World series is in Amazon’s top one hundred when it comes to post-apocalyptic and dystopian fiction. What’s your secret to bringing so many readers into your world?
A. Honestly, I think it had a lot to do with timing. I wrote the first three books a few years ago, but sat on them for a bit while agents and editors took their time considering publishing Broken World. By the time I finally got around to putting the first book out myself, The Walking Dead had reached the status of TV phenomenon, and it’s popularity really helped the series take off. The fact that it’s a great series—I never get tried of rereading these books!—and so different from a lot of zombie books out there helped even more.
Q. What inspired you to take your ideas and turn them into books that zombie fanatics the world over can enjoy?
A. The Walking Dead, of course. I’ve always loved post-apocalyptic stories, especially zombie stuff, but the sudden popularity of The Walking Dead helped form a story in my head that I just couldn’t get rid of. I almost didn’t write it as a zombie novel, though. If you do any kind of research on what editors/publishers are looking for, you’ll discover the sad fact that they do not want zombie fiction. They say there’s no market for it, which is just crazy—especially now! I wrote the first chapter of Broken World as a post-apocalyptic novel similar to The Stand, but without the religious undertones. But only one chapter in and I changed my mind, deciding to take a risk and write the zombie novel I’d been thinking about for months. Broken World was the result, and I’m so glad I took that leap.
Q. Kate, thanks for stopping by, and especially for enduring my inquisition vis a vis nerds vs. hunks. Before I hang up the space phone, do you have any last minute advice that could help my friends and I brave the zombie apocalypse?
A. Don’t lose hope! It’s the one thing that will get you killed faster than a horde of zombies. If you don’t have some kind of hope for the future, you won’t fight as hard or run as fast. You’ll find yourself wishing that you never wake up when you lay down to sleep at night. If you don’t have any hope that you will be able to find a safe place or that the horror will one day come to an end, it won’t be long before the only end you can imagine is death.
Thanks so much for having me, and I hope you and your group find a safe place to ride out the worst of the zombie apocalypse!
…The Vatican said the Pope had no idea a family of squirrels was living inside his pointy hat, but will not disturb them until they’re ready to move out on their own.
In other news, the eyes of the world are locked to a shocking story coming out of East Randomtown, USA, which has been overrun with zombies since Thursday, Oct. 1. Network News One, your number one source for news brought to you by hot ass chicks who totally used to be lingerie models before we stuck a microphone in their hands, will be covering the latest developments until this zombie outbreak is resolved.
That’s right, hot ass chick reporters like this one:
What? Oh right. You wanted some photos of the zombie apocalypse. Here’s one submitted by East Randomtown resident Leo McKoy, local degenerate bum and drunkard:
Yeesh! What a gruesome bunch! I need to check out one of our hot chick reporters again to get that image out of my mind:
Aww yeah, that’s the stuff.
Viewers, we here at Network News One know you have your choice of 24-hour news stations.
That’s why we’re the only network that features a legion of hot chick reporters ready to fly anywhere in the world to report the latest crap storm that just happened.
Let’s face it, this world is a total shit hole, and if you’re one of those people who can’t keep your eyes off it, then you might as well keep your eyes on a hot chick reporter while the latest story to shake your faith in humanity unfolds.
Now, if you’re one of those caveman troglodytes that doesn’t have a TV, or worse, if your cable provider is one of those asshat companies that doesn’t provide you with access to Network News One, then you can still get access to the latest NN1 stories by liking Bookshelf Q. Battler’s Facebook Page.
Hold on folks, I need to talk to my producer.
Really, Murray? A Facebook page for some dumbass who only has 3.5 readers? That’s the best we could do? What? No! Don’t try to justify this screwup. Polish your resume, loser, because you’re outta here!
Sorry about that, viewers. As I was just telling Murray, we here at Network News One are so proud to be partnering with the Bookshelf Battle Facebook Page to bring you the latest zombie apocalypse news.
Don’t forget, our Network News One reports will ONLY be available on BQB’s Facebook page, so you will have to check it out and give a nerd a like to view these quality pieces of journalism.
Stories we have so far are about the reality television stars who we believe may have been zombified during the crisis, and also how acclaimed teflon underpants inventor Dr. Hugo Von Science is wanted for questioning with regard to this whole mess.
And remember, if you’re one of those damn procrastinators who won’t just click on BQB’s Facebook page today, you can always find it later by typing…
Coming up in the next hour block, is your toothpaste giving you herpes? Put that brush down and sit by your TV until we give you the answer after sports and weather…but first this commercial break.
NETWORK NEWS ONE
THE HOTTEST CHICKS…OH YEAH, AND OCCASIONALLY WE DO SOME JOURNALISM SHIT TOO
Throughout the past month, as I did my research and spoke to zombie enthusiasts, one name came up over and over again:
Brian Keene.
In 2003, Keene published The Rising.One of the best-selling zombie novels of all time, it follows Jim Thurmond, a father who must fight his way through a zombie apocalypse to find his young son. Martin, a preacher who’s trying to hold onto his faith and Frankie, a struggling heroin addict, round out the band of survivors.
This book is credited with bringing about a zombie renaissance. Sure, George Romero brought zombies to pop culture in 1968 with Night of the Living Dead, but when 2000 came around, zombies were deader than themselves.
Thus, Keene (along with Robert Kirkman’s The Walking Dead comic and Danny Boyle’s 28 Days Later film) is credited with bringing the zombie genre back to life and starting an undead craze that so far, shows no signs of letting up.
In search of an interview, I tweeted Keene. As you might imagine, one of the forefathers of the zombie movement is mighty busy this time of year, but he graciously to answer three tweeted questions.
So without further ado:
Q+A #1
@bookshelfbattle Back in 2003? No. Never in a million years. But as a fan, I'm glad they are. Exciting new authors covering new ground.
BQB: You never know, 3.5 readers. That idea floating around in your head might just start the new craze. And luckily, I’m going to be interviewing thirty-one authors who are covering new ground in the zombie game.
Q+A #2
@bookshelfbattle It takes 10-20 years to be successful, and even then you won't feel like it. Write because you love it.
BQB: Well, I was hoping he’d be honest and pull no punches, and he delivered. It doesn’t happen overnight, folks. Success by 2035! I can’t wait. Better than no success at all. Let’s try to see the glass as half full here, people.
Q+A #3
@bookshelfbattle How to cope with soul-crushing loneliness and despair.
BQB: Makes sense. In a zombie apocalypse, your potential friend pool consists of the undead who want to eat you and the living who want to kill you so they can eat your food. Oh well. As long as I have my 3.5 readers, I’ll never be lonely.
FINAL THOUGHTS
I’d like to thank Brian for taking the time to answer my questions. He certainly didn’t have to but that he made time for me shows that he truly cares about his readers.
As for my 3.5 readers, I hope you’ll check out Brian’s website and his Amazon Author Page. Don’t forget to pick up a copy of The Rising. It’s a must read for any zombie fanatic.
If there’s a school of zombie fiction, then Brian’s the dean, and what an honor it is for the dean to stop by and get this zombie apocalypse started.
BQB EDITORIAL NOTE: It has come to my attention that Dr. Hugo Von Science recently attended one of Presidential Candidate Donald Trump’s campaign events, stole a cup the billionaire drank out of, and successfully spliced The Donald’s DNA with that of a zombie held in captivity.
The result? ZOMBIE TRUMP. I thought about reporting this to the authorities but decided it would be fun to just let him review The Walking Dead when the new season begins.
Here, Zombie Trump will catch you up on where the series left off at the end of last season.
Hello 3.5 losers.
First of all, I want to say that being on this goofball website is completely beneath me. Bookshelf Q. Battler, that nerdy dope, should get down on his hands and knees and thank me for giving his pathetic excuse for a website the highest ratings boost it will ever see.
Zombie Trump
3.5 readers? I’ll have this joint swinging with 3.5 million readers when I’m done with it. And will that clown appreciate it? I doubt it. I’d ask for a little nibble on BQB’s brain as compensation but I doubt he has one.
So let’s talk about those survivors from last season. Apparently, I’m obligated to warn you that there are SPOILERS ahead, because for some reason, people get really whiney when their shows are spoiled.
I don’t know why you’re wasting your time with lame zombie shows anyway when you should be checking out the luxurious Zombie Trump Taj Mahal. Try your luck at the craps table, then get eaten and turned into literal zombie crap. Oh and the buffet is all you can eat for $9.99 so really, there’s not a better deal around.
Where’d we leave off?
RICK GRIMES
Look, I know a lot of ladies think he’s hot and handsome but I’m telling you, this guy is a total loser. If you ask me, I’d rather have a Sheriff that can actually bring the bad guys in, not crash his car while in pursuit and end up in a coma during the zombie outbreak when he’s needed the most.
Seriously, how am I supposed to trust this guy to lead when he couldn’t even keep his best friend Shane from slipping his wife the old one eyed salamander?
Last time we saw Rick, he was abusing his authority as a newly appointed Sheriff in the settlement at Alexandria. Beat a guy up because he wanted to get hot and heavy with his wife. Making plans to take the community over if things don’t go his way. Classy? I don’t think so.
Sorry Rick. I wouldn’t hire you to guard the Zombie Trump Golf Course. Eighteen links of pure zombie fun.
CAROL
Yeesh! Look at that face! Is that the face of a woman that you want to see in your zombie apocalypse survivor’s group? I don’t think so.
Oh what? What? I was just talking about her record. She’s actually a beautiful woman.
Although if we’re getting into it, a little bit of blonde hair dye wouldn’t hurt her. Make her up to look like my first wife, Zombie Ivana, or my second wife, Zombie Marla Maples.
But let’s talk about this gal’s record. Killing a kid? Threatening to kill another kid?
Sure she’s able to lull her enemies into a false sense of security by fooling them into thinking she’s just a dowdy old homemaker only to strike when they least expect it, but you know what I’d tell her if she worked at the Zombie Trump Casino Day Care Center?
YOU’RE FIRED.
DARYL
Who is this loser running around on a motorcycle with a crossbow like he’s some kind of hillbilly heart throb? Look Jethro, a shave and a haircut never hurt anyone. I’ll give you the number of my personal stylist. She’s does great work. Just look at me.
GLENN
Glenn, we gave you one simple task. Keep that Noah kid alive. You failed. I know you tried your best but best doesn’t cut it. Sorry, I know this is harsh, but as punishment, I’ve banned you from all Zombie Trump resorts and associated properties.
THE GOVERNOR
Not gonna lie. This man had a lot of moxie. I was sorry to see him go. He was a real take charge kind of guy. Even with one eye he was able to see two or three moves ahead. Best character on the entire show.
He built a wall around his town and if you ask me, building a wall is an idea my fellow zombies and I should try.
My fellow zombies, for far too long we’ve suffered at the hands of these lousy human survivors. We build up our zombie communities and in they come, putting arrows in our brains, taking our zombie jobs. They’re rapists, murderers, and SOME of them, I assume, are good people, but we just can’t allow the influx of doomsday preppers, hillbillies, and other assorted human survivors to invade our territory any longer.
So I propose that we build an enormous wall to keep the zompoc survivors out.
Elect me as President of All Zombies and I assure you on my first day in office, not only will I build a giant wall around all zombies, but I’ll make those loser humans pay for it.
BQB, you’re welcome. You didn’t even deserve an appearance from me on your stupid blog but you got one anyway.
3.5 readers, I don’t know why you’re wasting your time on this nonsense, but let me remind you, I’m going to be reviewing the next season of The Walking Dead right here on the Bookshelf Battle Blog and I will tell you this:
IT’S GOING TO BE HUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGE!
I’d eat all 3.5 of your brains but I’d probably go hungry. Mic drop. Zombie Trump out.
Not when you’re as big a fan of that holiday as I am.
And not when you’ve got a big idea in mind.
Today, my main squeeze Video Game Rack Fighter and I took a walk, did some shopping, and we stopped by a fortune teller who’d set up shop and was predicting futures at five bucks a pop.
VGRF talked me into it and, much to my shock, this mysterious gypsy lady with a kiosk next to the Orange Julius stand at the East Random Town Mall prognosticated the following:
That on October 1 of this year:
VGRF, Alien Jones, myself, and possibly The Yeti will take in a scientific demonstration by my mentor, the esteemed Dr. Hugo Von Science.
That Dr. Hugo, through his gross incompetence, will botch his experiment, thus causing a zombie outbreak to sweep over my hometown.
VGRF, Alien Jones, and myself will be left with no choice but to fight our way through the undead hordes until we reach the safety of the Bookshelf Battle Compound.
Perhaps we’ll even come up a cure for the zombie epidemic in the process.
But to get through this, we will need the assistance of 31, count em, 31 Zombie Authors.
ALIEN JONES: Zombie authors?! That’s ridiculous! They can’t even hold a pen.
BQB: No, I mean authors who have written self-published books about zombies. Though, hey, if there’s an actual function zombie who is an author, I’ll gladly talk to him as long as he promises not to bite me.
Every day, as a new part of the story unfolds, a self published zombie author will take a question from a member of our merry band of unlikely heroes.
Questions will mostly come from me, but Alien Jones and/or possibly the Yeti might have some inquiries. Maybe even Dr. Hugo will participate.
I’ve also heard rumors of this thing called “Women’s Lib” so hell, Video Game Rack Fighter will have some questions too.
Examples:
DAY 1 – We need some supplies. Author Fred Fredman of Super Scary Zombie Book, can you tell us the essentials of what a zombie apocalypse survivor needs to fend off the undead masses?
DAY 2 – The Yeti was just bitten by a zombie. Author Kate Katerson of Incredibly Frightening Zombie Book, do you know if zombie bites affect animals?
DAY 3 – We’re holed up in an abandoned shack and the TV’s working. Author Annie Annerson of You’ll Crap Your Pants if You Read this Zombie Book! Which zombie movie do you recommend we watch to pass the time and why?
I don’t know. Just some initial questions off the top of my head.
Heck, you non-horror authors could get in on this too. Submit questions you’d like to know about how to survive the zombie apocalypse and maybe one of the members of our survivor party will pass it along to an interested zombie author.
ANTICIPATED QUESTIONS ABOUT THIS IDEA:
1) Just self-published horror authors?
Not necessarily. If you’re a traditionally published zombie author, I’d love for you to participate as well. If you have a zombie blog or are some other kind of zombie writer, let’s talk.
Hell, if you’re George Romero, you can just take the blog over.
2) You do a lot of interactivity on this blog. Why a story? Why not just a straight-up interview?
In today’s rapid information age, anything fun is going to be checked out more than a traditional approach.
Take all the late night talk shows these days.
Long ago, all the stars would just sit on the couch and shoot the bull with Johnny and Ed. It was boring as hell.
We love stars but their stories about their acting method or the lunch they ate that gave them a tummy ache or whatever? Who cares.
Jimmy Fallon does hilarious bits with his guests instead. Be honest. Do you want to listen to Scar Jo babble about how hard it was to pretend to be whoever she just pretended to be, or do you want to see her play a rousing game of “Box of Lies” with Jimmy?
NBC – Box of Lies – The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
I loved that. There you go. Scar Jo’s latest movie promoted. I’m left thinking she’s a ball of fun and I wasn’t bored with a story about her acting process.
“Let’s Promote Ourselves with Fun” is what I’ve been going for with Alien Jones’ “Ask the Alien” Column, and that’s what I’m going for with this idea as well.
3) So what are you looking for?
Your choice of length to an answer posed by myself or one of my buddies. I’d say 500 words or so sounds decent, but more if you’re willing.
We could come to an agreement on what question would be best for you. If you have one in mind you want to be asked, that’s possible.
4) Are you going to make me look stupid?
Your books, blogs, reputation as a writer, they’re all important to you, as they should be. I fully understand. Hell, I’ve put so much work into my persona as”Bookshelf Q. Battler,” I’d be unhappy if someone besmirched BQB.
I’d envision the post with:
A) A quick synopsis of what happened today (day of post) with BQB’s friends vs. the zombies.
B) A quick overview of you, the author, including links to your books and or blogs and or Amazon page (or wherever you’re selling them)
C) An answer YOU WRITE that I’m not going to change. They’ll be your words, so you can’t go wrong.
5) I’m still skeptical.
I don’t blame you. I’m a guy claiming to own a magic bookshelf and also that I’m an alien’s friend. It’s understandable that you’d want to kick the tires on this one.
To that end:
A) Alien Jones has had 17 satisfied customers in his Ask the Alien column so far. I’ve never received a complaint from an author who participated yet. Usually they’re pleased enough that they retweet or share AJ’s witty commentary on their own blogs.
B) Alien Jones has a “Don’t Like it and It Gets Taken Down No Problem Guarantee.” If it turns out you don’t like the post, let me know, and it’ll come down. If we can fix it to your liking, that’s great. If not, no hard feelings. I get that writing is a business and you have to do what you have to do. No muss, no fuss, no problem.
But luckily, no author has asked for that yet. And I believe that’s a sign that when you take part in this, you’re in good hands with me and my alien.
6) Keep talking.
At present, I have 1,250 (approx) WordPress followers, 5,400 Twitter followers, and over 500 Google Plus followers. All will be notified of your awesomeness.
7) I’m not one of your 3.5 readers, so I’m not up to speed on your blog and therefore unsure if I could respond to one of your friends’ questions.
No problem. Here’s the lowdown:
Bookshelf Q. Battler = the owner of a magic bookshelf where small versions of literary characters come to life and fight over limited shelf space.
Video Game Rack Fighter = Bookshelf Q. Battler’s girlfriend and author of a video game review column hopefully coming soon, if she ever comes up for air from playing Arkham Knight.
Alien Jones – The Mighty Potentate, ruler of an undisclosed planet, is displeased with the growing popularity of reality television. He’s a fan of scripted media and feels promotion of fiction authors is the only hope to stem the reality tv tide. To that end, the MP has dispatched his emissary, Alien Jones, to answer questions from self-published authors and in the process, make Earth a smarter place one question at a time. Alien Jones truly believes in this mission, and isn’t doing it just because the Mighty Potentate has threatened to vaporize him if he abandons his assignment before BQB’s writing career is off the ground.
The Yeti – An international war criminal and fuzzy snow monster, The Yeti is currently imprisoned deep in the bowels of the Bookshelf Battle Compound. However, BQB isn’t completely heartless and allows the big lug out once a week to watch Scandal. Alien Jones brings the bean dip.
Dr. Hugo Von Science – A distinguished professor of science at Science University, Dr. Hugo is this blog’s science correspondent and holds patents on over a bazillion inventions. We’re fairly certain he might be plotting a global conquest in his spare time, but his generally goodnatured demeanor covers up his underlying intentions well.
There you go. That’s the blog in a nutshell. It’s a labor of love for me, and it’s enjoyed daily by 3.5 people, one of whom is my Aunt Gertrude.
(There are some subsidiary, occasional characters. Uncle Hardass, the ghost of my grumpy uncle, shows up once in awhile to tell me to give up all of my hopes and dreams of becoming a writer and get a job at the salt mines. The Funky Hunks are a rap group I used to belong to and they show up now and then too. Oh, and a whole slew of tiny book characters live on my magic bookshelf).
Don’t get me started on Bookshelf Q. Battledog.
I don’t believe the subsidiaries will get involved but you never know. 31 days means I need to come up with a lot of ideas to keep a story going.
8) You had me until you said you have 3.5 readers. Doesn’t seem worth it.
“3.5 Readers” is an ongoing, inside joke for this blog. In the beginning, I really did only have 3.5 readers. But I pressed forward and now I have more. Like any blog, I have up days and down days. I’d say on a good day I get anywhere around 30-70 hits.
Views are often double, sometimes triple, the hit count and I believe this is because people who do find this blog like it enough to stick around and read some more.
At any rate, I’ll do what I can to make this a fun, month long Zombie fiesta. On my own, I’m going to be writing about The Walking Dead and the new Fear the Walking Dead and overall, if this works out, it’s just going to be 31 days of zombies.
9) What’s in it for you?
Cross promotion, basically. If you enjoy what you see here, I hope you’ll do want you can to point folks to my ramblings. Not required, of course. That’s about it.
10) So now what?
At this point, I’d just like to get the ball rolling. I’m starting early because to recruit 31 people to respond to a daily ongoing story is going to be like herding cats.
Right now, I’d just like to see who’s interested enough to let me know. If you want in, Tweet me @bookshelfbattle or tell me in the comments here.
You can send me a private message on Twitter too. Just tweet me to let me know you sent it so it doesn’t get lost in the mass of spam I get from folks trying to sell me timeshares, miracle ointments, and **Cough cough*** self published books.
I’d say by mid-August, if I can wrangle enough authors to be interested in this, then I’ll be able to see who’s who, what’s what and come up with better questions that would apply to various authors.
If it’s a go, I’d like to get questions to you late August, or September and have 31 posts in the can by the time October rolls around.
But then again, this could be a dumb idea.
If it fizzles out and goes nowhere, then hey, I tried. You’ve got to try, right?
Feel free to share with anyone you think would be interested. If I see enough interest, I’ll start getting in touch with folks with formal instructions at the end of the summer.
Leave me your thoughts, 3.5.
Until next time, this has been Bookshelf Q. Battler and Video Game Rack Fighter, signing off:
Bookshelf Q. Battler here. Tonight, The Siberian Yeti allowed me to watch one of my favorite shows, The Walking Dead.
It was the first time my super annoying house guest had ever seen the show. He liked it. All of the post-apocalyptic carnage reminded him of his home in Siberia, except the show is slightly nicer.
My observations, in no particular order:
Rick’s group members are coming in to their own. Glenn’s becoming skilled at leading beyond the wall. Abraham’s taking over as wall construction leader. Rick’s the new sheriff in town again. Noah’s trying to become an architect for the community.
Which is sad because that beginning scene where Noah expresses an interest in architecture was apparently a rouse to make us not think he’s about to become zombie lunch. RIP Noah. We hardly knew ye.
Eugene is developing some guts and good for him. He’s right! He did get the group to DC, albeit in a morally reprehensible manner.
Don’t mess with Carol.
Rick Grimes = other man’s wife smoocher = the new Shane?
Ironic that Maggie eavesdrops on Father Gabriel warning Deanna about Rick’s group. A few episodes back, Maggie told Gabriel off, leaving him so depressed he tossed away his collar. Could a little kindness from Maggie have kept his loyalty?
Gabriel’s warning plus Aidan’s death – will that turn Deanna and the community against Rick’s group?
What did you think about tonight’s episode? Discuss!
Bookshelf Battle 