I was free falling.Twenty-five thousand feet and plummeting over primo real estate.Beings paid good money to get this kind of view but they were usually aboard sightseeing ships.Between the spotlights, the city lights, and the incessantly blinking advertising boards below, I could barely see what I was doing.
Sourcemind aka Ninety-five was nowhere to be found.He was so heavy that his burnt out carcass made a beeline to the planet below.My mystery woman, on the other hand, was a bit of a waif.Tall, skinny, yet curvy in all the right places.
“WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!”Jones shouted.
“Improvising!Get down there!”
Jonesy abided.The Star Streaker roared past me on a vertical course.I aimed myself in the general direction of my quarry, but I needed some help.
The LaMonza Corporation’s CTK Sparkmatic Attack Cord is an essential tool found inside the duster of discriminating bounty hunters everywhere.You’ve probably heard of it by its more commonly used nickname, the spark whip.
I drew mine but I didn’t arm it.I didn’t want to fry the poor gal after all.I whirled around a few times and then let it loose with a deafening crack sound as it coiled around the woman.It caused her considerable pain as she woke with a start, a frightened expression on her face.I didn’t want to hurt her but I was low on options and the world below was getting closer and closer.
With a flick of my wrist I snapped her up to me and uncoiled the whip from around her body.The exchange we had next went something like this:
ME:Hello.
HER:AAAARRRRRRRRGGGGHH!!!!!
ME:You’re not much of a conversationalist.
Together, we fell past our ship. Jones was hovering steadily, waiting for orders. I cracked the whip again, catching it by the side bay door’s handle.
“You’re insane,”Jones said.
“Fine,”I replied.“Next time you fight the death bot and save the girl and I’ll fly the ship.”
“Touche.”
“Put ‘er on autopilot and reel us in already,”I said.
I can distinctly remember being a kid, sitting on a beach, notepad in hand, writing down details of a space opera in mind. The central character was a badass dude in a duster.
Over the years, that storyline has existed only in my mind. That badass’ name has changed many times, as have his wants, desires, motivations, his activities, and so on.
I’ve started and stopped a lot of projects in the past two years. Every writer goes through that phase. Some never stop. Many always have a number of ideas they’re working on.
I’ve decided that Undesiredverse: Wanted will be my first novel.
Why?
The heroes are flawed – As we’ll learn, Roman is a degenerate drug addict. Though he has some standards, he has also done bad things for money. He’ll soon become a part of something bigger than himself, and be forced to choose a better path. Meanwhile, Jones was once second in command to the Mighty Potentate. He’s done something to incur the MP’s wrath, leading him to be stripped of all his supernatural powers and just be a regular, run of the mill alien. I’m not quite sure we’ll learn exactly what AJ did, at least not in this novel. But he too is looking for redemption as he’s not thrilled to be Roman’s lackey, but it’s a living.
The awesome setup – Roman Voss is a bounty hunter. Alien Jones is his trusty sidekick/pilot. Together, they travel “the Undesiredverse” i.e. the collection of miserable planets whose citizens are too corrupt and violent to be allowed entry into the Rakan Collective, i.e. the Mighty Potentate’s pristine paradise one hundred billion worlds strong.
Villains that you’ll love to hate – They include:
SOURCEMIND: The dangerously sentient artificial intelligence who conquered an entire planet. Though he’s stored in a massive mainframe on Omcoros, he could be controlling any machine anywhere. Is he in your toaster? Your toothbrush? Did your TV just switch on by itself? That wasn’t a glitch. It was totally Sourcemind.
THE TARAZNI CLAN – After thousands of years of waging needless wars, a majority of the demonic looking beings who called Tolloo home decided to mend their evil ways and work toward a peaceful future. Unfortunately, a minority of renegade Tollusks, referring to themselves as the Tarazni Clan, disagreed, seized the planet’s nuclear arsenal, and used it to punish the peaceniks by blowing their own homeworld to kingdom come on the way out. They’ve been traveling the stars, conquering worlds ever since. Earth is their most recent acquisition.
THE ONE WORLD ORDER – Earth’s planetary government, filled with corrupt politicians and bureaucrats who care more about saving their skins than their world’s best interests. Currently operated by collaborationists who rubber stamp the Tarazni Clan’s demands without question.
THE VENDRAGONS – Not every vendragon is a terrorist, but there sure are a whole helluvalot of terrorists who are vendragons. Religious zealots of the Vendragonism faith have separated themselves into two factions, the Red Vendrigo Cult and the Blue Vendrigo Cult. They’ve been fighting for thousands of years over what color shirt Vendrigo, the holy man of their faith, wore one fateful day. They literally agree on everything else, but varying holy book interpretations as to whether the shirt was blue or red have led to a very testy situation.
THE CABAL – the multi-species intergalactic space mafia. Their hands, hooves, flippers, fins, etc are in everything. They killed Roman’s family so naturally, he doesn’t like them very much.
MORE POINTS TO CONSIDER:
The story is easy to serialize – I need to finish my one post a day for a year challenge, but I also have to get cracking on writing a novel. This allows me to do both. The plot is that Roman and Jones go on a mission that ends up with them taking care of a very confused woman. Every scumbag lowlife in the Undesiredverse wants her, but our trio has no idea why. They become the three most “wanted” beings around and as they avoid capture by various scumbags, the secret of who the woman is and why she’s so important will slowly trickle out.
In other words – the beginning, middle, and end are clear. Now I just have to rack up some daily word counts to get a rough draft onto paper.
But do keep in mind – this is just a rough draft. It will be polished again and again before publication.
Finally, let me just say, I’ll NEED YOUR HELP.
Please check it out. Tell me what works. Tell me what doesn’t. Point out potholes. Tell me the problems you see. Help me vet this and make it as awesome as possible.
OK, BQB. Get a grip. You’ve got a half-hour left until East Randomtown is blown up. You need to complete this interview, then go save the day.
Time is of the essence and you’re about to talk to a professional. Sure, J.M. Wilde is one of today’s top Australian zombie fiction authors, but that doesn’t mean you have to be a jerk and ask her about Australian stuff. She doesn’t want to talk about kangaroos, koala bears, or dingos. She doesn’t want to compare knife sizes a la Paul Hogan in Crocodile Dundee. Don’t ask her about vegemite sandwiches or if the Men Without Hats’ mandate to ostracize friends of your friends who don’t dance is still in effect over there.
Just take all of your pre-conceived Aussie stereotypes and throw them out the window. The fans of the highly popular Eva series deserve no less.
OK. The space phone is ringing.
NOTE: BOLD=BQB;ITALICS=J.M.
Q. Hello J.M. I’m trapped in a zombie apocalypse and my hometown is about to be blown to smithereens as part of an elaborate conspiracy, but I’ve dropped everything to use a highly sophisticated alien communication device to place a call clear across the world in order to ask a question of utmost importance:
Clockwise or counterclockwise: which way does the water swirl down the drain in the land down under? Please. Go flush your toilet, take copious notes, then come back with a full report. I swear that’s all I’ll need to get all the curiosity about Australia out of my system.
A. I actually have no idea. I’ve never really noticed, I guess counterclockwise? Flushing the toilet isn’t any help because most toilets here don’t swirl, they just flush down. I didn’t even know that myth existed until that one episode of The Simpsons when they came to Australia.
Q. By the way, since its already October 31 in Australia, Happy Halloween! I realize this is an American holiday that began in the pre-colonial days of the U.S. in which colonists believed it was necessary to ward off evil spirits by running around in costumes, because if it’s one thing that a hell beast fears most, it’s a puritan in a bed sheet. Fast forward to today, where once a year we all openly encourage children to disobey all the rules we impose on them throughout the rest of the year by encouraging them to “go ahead and knock on that stranger’s door and demand free food stuffs!”
Long story short – Halloween in Australia. Does anyone over there do anything to celebrate or is it just another day? Don’t worry if the answer is the latter. With all the goofballs running around in costumes and all the weight I gain from eating fun size candy bars, there are times I wish it was November 1 already too.
A. This is an interesting one. Halloween is also connected to Samhain, which takes place in Autumn. Here in Australia, Samhain takes place on May 1st, so technically that’s our Halloween. But thanks to commercialization and the many American TV shows and movies we watch, Halloween has made its way here over the last few years and is celebrated more and more on October 31st. It wasn’t celebrated here at all when I was a kid, but I would have loved to have gone trick or treating just like all my favorite characters on TV. Now, I see more and more kids and teens knocking at my door in costumes, and more Halloween decorations being sold in stores. Halloween parties are becoming a thing, too, which is awesome as I love a good costume party!
Q. Let’s talk about The Eva Series. In this three-book collection, you’ve turned Australia into one great big zombie infested death island. Readers follow the journey of Eva as she and her friends make their way through the madness in search of safety. I have to admit, this is a pretty unique turn for the zompoc genre. How did you come up with Eva’s story and what inspired you to tell her tale?
A. It really started because of my husband. I’d never written fiction before and wanted to try it, and at the time I thought my husband would be the only one who would ever read it. He loves zombies, so I decided to write a zombie story. And seeing as we live in Australia, I figured it would be cool to write about what might happen if a zombie virus broke out here. And voila! As They Rise, the first in the series, was born.
Q. As I told a pair of writers the other day, I don’t have much pull in Hollywood. Sure, Taye Diggs follows me on Twitter but I’m pretty sure he hit the follow button by accident. That being said, “Zombies in Australia” seems like a concept ripe for a movie. On the off chance that J.J. Abrahams visits my blog by accident, give him your pitch as to why we need an Eva movie.
A. Taye Diggs follows me too! Okay, here’s my pitch. Hey J.J (or other equally awesome Hollywood person), enough already with zombies in the U.S of A! It’s been done to death (Ha! Puns.) Let’s move the fun down under where the stakes are higher and the production is cheaper. I’ve got the story, you’ve got the skills and the connections. Let’s make movie magic.
Q. OK, I don’t want to brag, but I have been known to attract as many as 3.5 readers to my blog. I thought that was pretty impressive until I learned that The Eva Series has racked up over 3 million reads online. How did you get so many eyeballs on your work and for any aspiring writers out there, what can they do to attract more readers?
A. It’s all thanks to Wattpad. I don’t really know how it happened, but once I started uploading chapters to Wattpad a few years ago, it skyrocketed. I wouldn’t have ever considered being a pro writer without all the support from those early readers who kept begging me for more Eva. Aside from writing a good story and having a cool cover, I’ve found that being persistent and consistent is key when it comes to writing on Wattpad and attracting readers.
Q. You’re a Wattpad star. For people who aren’t as hip as we are, Wattpad is an online site that allows users to post their works and receive feedback from other users. What about this site have you found useful and would you recommend it to other authors?
A. I adore the hell out of Wattpad, and I definitely recommend it to other authors. I think my favorite aspect about it is the interaction with readers. I’ve made friends and get to talk to my readers regularly, gain feedback on my work and just have so much fun with them.
J.M. Wilde on How to Get More Readers on Wattpad
Q. So what’s next for you? Any other book ideas in the works? Could the zombies attack your neighbors? Just going to throw it out there. I feel like “TaZmania” or “New Z-Land” are rife with potential.
A. Haha! I love the New Z-Land idea. I’ve started working on a spin-off about one of the characters from book three, and I’ve been thinking about a potential fourth book in the series. But right now I’ve got a few other projects in the works; a couple of geeky YA contemporaries and a fanfic of The 5th Wave commissioned by Sony that’s being posted to Wattpad.
A. Meeting Doc Brown was definitely one of the best moments of my life. BTTF is my fave movie so it was surreal. He’s such a nice dude. To answer your question … All of them! Deadpool. Captain America: Civil War. X-Men: Apocalypse. Suicide Squad. The list goes on!
Q. J.M., thanks for taking a moment to talk with me. Before I go, do you have any last minute advice that might help my friends and I survive the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse?
A. As Eva learned the hard way, fire doesn’t work against zombies, it just turns them into undead fireballs. Running is always the best choice. If you can’t run like hell, fight like hell. And always follow Rule #2 of Zombieland: double tap.
It’s been awhile since I’ve communicated with with my “Ask the Alien” column.
That’s the column where you, the 3.5 readers, can submit a question to me, a representative of a higher species, and obtain not only the knowledge that will flow forth from my genius brain, but a plug for your book and/or blog as well.
And if you’re one of the few humans on the Internet without a book or a blog to hock, don’t worry, I’ll take your inquiry too.
As you may have heard, my Supreme Overlord, the Mighty Potentate, He Who Makes the Seas Rise, the Stars Shine, and the Breeze Blow and I’m Not Just Saying That Because He’ll Vaporize Me, has assigned me the mission of helping Bookshelf Q. Battler build his fledgling writer career.
Why he didn’t just ask me to teach a chipmunk how to build a nuclear reactor I don’t know. That would have been easier.
Don’t tell the Mighty Potentate I said that.
Anyway, you 3.5 readers would be doing this alien a solid if you’d help in anyway you can/want to in promoting this blog.
Here’s the State of BQB’s Bookshelf as of Sept. 30, 2015:
WATTPAD FOLLOWERS – 115 Followers – Follow BQB on Wattpad – His handle is also @bookshelfbattle
FACEBOOK – Likes for BQB’s “Bookshelf Battle” Facebook page are virtually nonexistent, and I personally blame Zuckerberg. In addition to the Winklevoss twins and that Brazilian kid, you can add a pantsless alien to the list of beings you’ve screwed over, Zuck.
If I make it out of the zombie apocalypse alive, I’ll return with a report on how BQB’s stats have improved as a result of this zombie author interview-a-palooza.
Personally, I’d like to see BQB at 10,000 Twitter Followers, 1,000 Google Plus Followers, and 2,000 WordPress followers by the end of the year.
Mention BQB on your blog, share his links on your favorite time wasting social media site, or tell your friends, if you have any. Increasing BQB’s stats would certainly get the Mighty Potentate off non-existent butt for awhile.
Don’t tell him I said that either.
Don’t forget authors, I’ll return (if I’m alive) to my regularly scheduled Ask the Alien column in November, so ask away and if it’s an inquiry worthy of my brain, I’ll answer it and promo your book and/or blog.
Yes, that’s a quote from “Pop Culture Mysteries: Informant Zero.”
Jake crossed paths with a fiendish dominatrix. She asked him to become her slave, but Jake wasn’t interested, having experienced three previous Mrs. Hatchers already.
Through wattpad, I’m able to share a quote like that on Twitter, Facebook, or a variety of social media websites designed specifically for the purposes of making the populace slow, fat, lazy, dumb, oh and also so that we share all our information so the government can spy on us and read our minds.
I’m not saying you should be worried that the government is reading your mind, but hey, a little tin foil on your head couldn’t hurt either.
3.5 Readers: But BQB, how do I make one of those fancy quote graphics?
Thank you 3.5. I’m glad you ask. You want to make a graphic like this one?
I feel ya,’ Jake. Video Game Rack Fighter’s always after me about something. Dames. I tell you.
Or this one?
Oh Professor Fremont, you slay me with your wit!
It’s simple, here’s how:
Log into Wattpad on your mobile device.
Pick a word in your story and press your little finger down on it. It might take a second or so.
The word or words will be highlighted. At each side of the highlighting, you’ll see a blue dot. Drag the left blue dot all the way to the beginning of the quote. Drag the right blue dot to the end of the quote.
When you’re done, you’ll see a little box that says “comment.” You can select that to comment on the quote if you want.
But we want to actually share that quote, so click on the little quotation mark. It looks like ” I hope I didn’t actually have to tell you that. I worry about your chances in the writing game if I had to.
A photo with the background you provided for the story with the quote superimposed over it will appear.
You’ll then have the opportunity to share it on your favorite time wasting social media surface.
Congratulations! You’ve managed to cram one more piece of media down America’s already bloated entertainment hole!
This has been your noble blog host, Bookshelf Q. Battler, a poindexter of world renown.
Join us next week when we’ll discuss how to glue your quotes onto rowdy chinchillas and release them into the world to spread news of your brilliance.
Attorney Donnelly just reminded me to point out that was just a joke. Please do not glue your quotes onto chinchillas or any other animals. They cannot be trusted.
Don’t forget, you can follow me, BQB on Wattpad or on Twitter with the same handle – @bookshelfbattle
Oh Jake, you are a cut up! You’ll have 30.5 million readers in no time!
Liddie Laurent, 1940’s Starlet of Stage and Screen
LIDDIE: Darling 3.5 readers! How lovely for you to be here today! I’m positively…no, this won’t do at all. Cease production posthaste!
DIRECTOR: CUT! What’s wrong, Liddie?
LIDDIE: I do not understand this scene at all, Mr. Chesterfield. This role is dreadful! Someone get my agent on the telephone machine immediately!
DIRECTOR: It’s just a commercial, Liddie.
LIDDIE: A commercial? A COMMERCIAL! Sir, I’ll have you know I was the leading lady in One Kiss Till Midnight and yet you’d think so little of a performer of my talents as to subject me to a life of hawking toothpaste and toiletries to the cheap and tawdry masses?
DIRECTOR: It’s not a commercial for toothpaste and toiletries.
LIDDIE: It might as well be! This is how it starts you know. One minute I’m the star of Tap Dance to Toolaroo and the next minute I’m peddling television dinners for lowly house fraus too lazy to cook for their husbands!
DIRECTOR: Come on Liddie, get it together. All right, people! Let’s take it from the top. In 3…
LIDDIE: Oh I simply cannot work under these conditions! The complaint I shall file on this production with the Thespian’s Society shall be copious and voluminous and another thing…
DIRECTOR: …2…1…ACTION!
LIDDIE: Darling 3.5 readers! How lovely for you to be here today! I’m positively delighted to see you. Come closer so I might tell you the wonderful news. Pop Culture Mysteries is available on Wattpad. Now, you’ll have a second option to…no. No! No! NO! This simply will not do Mr. Chesterfield!
DIRECTOR: CUT! Liddie, what now?
LIDDIE: “Wattpad?” What in the name of the Kaiser’s pointy helmet is a Wattpad? This is gibberish sir! I don’t know who the charlatan is who wrote this rubbish but whoever he is he should be put back on the hobo train from whence he came, never to darken my doorstep again!
DIRECTOR: Wattpad. Wattpad. It’s uh..
LIDDIE: You have no idea do you?
DIRECTOR: It’s 1949, Liddie! How am I supposed to know?
LIDDIE: How absolutely wretched! I’m being asked to sell something and I have no idea what it even is.
DIRECTOR: It’s a wattpad! You know, it’s a pad you rub on your feet when they’re itchy or something.
LIDDIE: Mr. Chesterton! For shame, sir! For shame! You dare drag me…me?! The star of Sunshine is for Lovers, all the way to this abysmal shack you call a set and ask me to sell foot pads! No! Never!
DIRECTOR: Liddie, not for nothing, but I’ve got a line around the block of a bunch of younger, prettier broads who’d step over their grandmothers for this part.
(LIDDIE WALKS ACROSS THE SET AND SLAPS THE DIRECTOR ACROSS THE FACE)
LIDDIE: The nerve! I’ll have you know I’m not a day over twenty-five or I’m a monkey’s uncle!
DIRECTOR: Someone get her a banana.
(ANOTHER SLAP THEN LIDDIE WALKS OFF)
LIDDIE: Bring my car around, Lattimore! I shan’t be treated in this shoddy manner! Wait until the scandal sheets learn that the star of Save Luck for a Rainy Day was treated like common riff raff!
Liddie Laurent. Coming soon to Pop Culture Mysteries…assuming we can get her to chill out and be cool.
You’ll miss out on the funny photos and BQB is not as fast at loading the story posts over there, but it does load up in an e-reader type format for your phone, tablet, etc.
I hate to call it fan fiction, but I suppose there’s no other label. Game of Yetis is basically me just goofing around and having fun with my favorite TV show.
I posted the first part on Wattpad, mainly out of an experiment to discover the process of posting something over there.
I had no cover other than the “House Bookshelf” banner from the GOT sigil creator.
But it turns out, it’s fairly simple to put up a story.
Even better, I was able to pull it up on my phone – it felt very “e-bookish” and for good or ill, seeing something I wrote in a mobile digital format, no matter how trivial, caused that little old self-publishing bug to sink its teeth into me that much harder.
Crap. I might actually have to start doing some work around here.
We’re 5 parts in on Game of Yetis here on bookshelfbattle.com, but should you desire to read Game of Yetis while out on the town (and let’s be honest, if that urge hits you, you must be on a real lousy day), then head on over to Wattpad:
Bookshelf Battle 