Daily Archives: February 7, 2015

Movie Review – Jupiter Ascending (2015)

WARNING:  REINCARNATED SPACE SPOILERS AHEAD

I’ve been looking forward to this one for a long time, mainly because I feel like they’ve been promoting in forever.  Given that it is up against Seventh Son, a fantasy film, nerds have plenty to watch this weekend, though these films may be cannibalizing one another’s profits since their core audiences are going to be the same contingent of geeks and dweebs.

That’s not an insult geeks and dweebs.  I am one of you.

And sadly, since they’re both movies that cater to a younger crowd, I think they’re both going to be trounced by…dun dun dun… Spongebob: Sponge Out of Water.

But enough about business talk.

The plot?  It turns out that worlds aren’t so much natural occurrences as they are business assets of a corporation owned The Abrasax family.  The three heirs, played by Eddie Redmayne , Tuppence Middleton, and Douglas Booth, as heirs to a fortune often do, squabble over their inheritances, always trying to gain more planets for themselves.

But they don’t want to rule them.  They want to harvest them.  We’re all basically cattle and once a planet’s population exceeds its resources, the Abrasaxes have all of the people killed and somehow they are turned into a juice that can be bathed in to reverse the aging process.

Umm…good luck with that.  All I can say is if you bathe in a juice made out of me, you’re going to be pretty disgusted.

Somehow, and they don’t really explain how, but Jupiter Jones, played by Mila Kunis, is a reincarnated version of the Abrasax kids’s mother.  That’s a problem for them, seeing as how their mother, before being murdered by Redmayne’s character, Balem, wrote it into her will that her reincarnated self would inherit Earth.

Sidenote – this movie realized that I’ve done very little to ensure that my assets will be transferred to my reincarnated self, and thus as soon as I’m done writing this review, I’m going to get my attorney on the horn posthaste.

Keep in mind that at the start of the film, Jupiter has no idea that she’s a reincarnated space queen.  She was born a Russian immigrant and cleans rich people’s toilets for a living.

Middleton’s character, Kalique, is happy to have a version of her mother back.  Booth’s Titus contrives a scheme to marry Jupiter, claiming that doing so will protect Earth and keep it out of Balem’s grubby mitts.  However, Titus has his own evil plans.

Here’s a rundown of a conversation I had with the Wachowskis in my mind as I watched the film:

ME:  So this guy is trying to marry a reincarnated version of his mother?

WACHOWSKIS:  Yes.

ME:  That isn’t incest?

WACHOWSKIS:  No.  She’s not actually his mother.  She’s his reincarnated mother.

ME:  But she’s his mother brought back to life so…

WACHOWSKIS:  SHUT UP AND WATCH THE PRETTY SPECIAL EFFECTS!!!!

Anyway, Channing Tatum plays Jupiter’s protector, Caine Wise, a human-wolf hybrid, and at this point, the man’s abs must be a multi-million dollar business.

HOLLYWOOD:  Channing, we want you in our next picture.

CHANNING:  I’m gonna have to charge you a million per ab.

And much to my surprise, Sean Bean was in the movie and he didn’t die.  He dies in every movie he’s in, so it was kind of a disappointment that his character didn’t bite the dust, buy the farm, or kick the bucket.

All in all, for a February film, it was pretty decent.  I’ve seen ads for this forever, and when a movie is hyped for this long, you kind of go into it expecting your socks to be knocked off, and usually they never are.  But sci-fi nerds and space geeks will be pleased.  The Wachowskis of Matrix fame are masters of the genre and they don’t disappoint with their special effects skills.  People fly, there’s space craft warfare, and so on.

Plus, the scene lampooning the bureaucratic process that Jupiter has to go through to be named Queen was amusing.

One minor complaint – there were a lot of characters, aliens, technologies, organizations – in short, just a lot going on.  It leaves you with questions that unfortunately a movie just doesn’t have time to answer.

The special effects alone are worth seeing on the big screen though, and let’s face it, you’ve got nothing else better to do this weekend, so go see it.

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Brian Williams Misremembers

Oh Twitter.  We can always count on you to rub the salt in America’s gaping wounds.

Smart asses from all over the Internet have descended onto #brianwilliamsmisremembers to engage in the wisecrackery of placing Williams at the scene of all manner of historical and fictional events.

Even this jerk weasel got in on the action:

And well…it just goes on like that.

If you’re not following @bookshelfbattle then you’re missing out on all the snarky goodness!  And if you act fast, you can be my 3000th follower, which will win you…absolutely nothing!  Well, it will win you my undying gratitude and devotion.

So yeah, in other words, you win nothing.  But follow me anyway!  Surely being my 3000th twitter follower will get you bragging rights…if you’re in a room of people who care about mundane things.

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Fake It Till You Make It

“It’s none of their business that you have to learn how to write.  Let them think you were born that way.”

– Ernest Hemingway

No commentary necessary.  This one speaks for itself.

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