Daily Archives: February 10, 2015

Romance Advice From William Shakespeare – Part 2

Dudes, you have no idea how lucky you are all to have me.  I’m here.  I’m taking time out of my busy schedule to inform you, the reading masses, how to use the writings of the most influential author of the English language, to score points with the ladies.

Bardin’ ‘Aint Easy

OK.  Look at me.  LOOK AT ME.  Take one night out of your life and woo your woman.  All to often men underestimate the power of woo.

What is woo?  It’s not easy to explain.  It’s the effort you put in to make your woman feel special and loved.  Frankly, if you have to ask, some other dude has probably wooed your woman away by now anyway.

Don’t half-ass it like you do everything else.  Your woman is not some rug that you can just sweep dirt under and then pretend like you actually cleaned the floor.  Look at your woman and pitch ridiculous amounts of woo.  Take all of your wooing skills and just send them straight into your woman’s general direction.

Shakespeare’s Henry VI dealt with all of the political power power plays and general nastiness that led to the War of the Roses.  What was that war about?   I don’t know.  One side had some roses.  The other side wanted roses.  So they fought over the roses.  What do I look like?  A history scholar?  We’re not here to talk about roses (although you should order your lady some in advance because they’ll be sold out by Valentine’s Day by dudes who thought of this stuff before you did).

We’re here to talk about this quote:

“She’s beautiful, and therefore to be wooed; She is woman, and therefore to be won”

– William Shakespeare, Henry VI

Take a knee, dudes.  Listen – want a translation of what Bill just said?  Here you go – you can’t phone this shit in.  Your woman is beautiful and so you have to earn that right to be around all that beauty.  Get her flowers.  Sing to her.  Read her poems and shit.  Or if she’s not into all that, then do chores and crap without her complaining about it or acting like a martyr because you had to wash a dish.  Make your woman happy!

Happy Wife = Happy Life.  Woo.  Learn how to Woo.

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Random Thoughts Part 3

21)  Did the dinosaurs talk?  I mean, like actually talk?  “Hello Mr. Brontosaurus, how are you?”  “Oh, I’m delightful Mr. Triceratops, thank you for asking.”  Scientists assume not but none of us were there.  I bet those scaly bastards talked all the time.

22)  Would Abraham Lincoln win an election today?  Or would everyone just be all like, “Great emancipator, my ass, look at that dude’s craggy ass face!”

23)  Have you ever asked Siri, “What does the fox say?”  You should try it.  Seriously, you should.

24)  Do ghosts really exist?  I hope not.  I mean sure, for the first couple years, you prank the people who move into your house.  Move their shit around while they aren’t looking and freak them out.  Break stuff.  Jump around while they’re sleeping and laugh when they jump up and try to convince themselves it was the house creeking before they go to bed.  But I have to say, that’s a pretty tedious way to spend an afterlife.  I hope ghosts get to quit that crap eventually.

25)  Few politicians of the 1960’s dared to speak out on the plight that was elderly criminals dressing up like monsters so as to manipulate real estate prices.  Scooby Doo and the good people at Hanna Barbera were the only citizens who dared bring this issue to the forefront.  And I say, god bless them.  Thanks to them, I don’t have to worry about my Grandpa dressing up like a Sasquatch to drive down the price of the local abandoned amusement park.

26)  If Star Fleet has the power to beam people anywhere in the Universe, why do they even need the Starship Enterprise?  Or the whole fleet for that matter?

27)  Speaking of, the next time you encounter a difficult situation at work, you should scratch your head and say, “Wow Boss, this is a real Kobayashi Maru!”   There is a 50% chance your boss will think you’re brilliantly citing some obscure business principle and a 50% chance your boss will think you are a stone cold crack smoker.  There’s pretty much no in between in that scenario.

28)  Am I the only one to notice that in Pulp Fiction, they make this big deal about Harvey Keitel’s character, “The Wolf,” that he’s some kind of mastermind fixer and an expert at turning around bad situations, but all he does is tell Travolta and Jackson to spray some household cleaner in the back seat and clean up all the brains?  I mean, I’m not a criminal hitman, but I feel like I could have figure out “get the paper towels and the windex” on my own.

29)  I want a helper monkey.  There’s nothing wrong with me.  I’m just lazy.  He could fetch me snacks, change the channel on my TV when I lose my remote, and write this blog.  Hell, he could probably do a better job.

30)  Sometimes I worry that people are so easily offended by the silliest things that it is really going to take a toll on the future of comedy.  I predict by the year 2100, Saturday Night Live will consist of nothing but Knock-Knock Jokes and jokes about ducks walking into bars.  Thank God I’ll be dead by then and won’t see it.  Or if they keep me alive through robotics then remind me to reblog this when I’m right.

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Better Call Saul Premiere

So…what did everybody think?

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Reddit

Some kind person put a link to my review of Blade Runner and the result was I had an all time record of 238 visitors today.  Previously, I have yet to break 100.

I’ll have to look into Reddit – has anyone tried posting on it?  Any experiences using it you’d care to share?

Thanks to whoever did that.

In other news, I’m almost at 3000 followers, if you want to obtain the coveted position of 3000th follower.

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