Bookshelf Battle

As discussed yesterday, when I was approximately ten years old, give or take a year, I penciled in a notebook my first novel, Attack of the Killer Mutant Fish.

Now that I’m a big time blogging mogul with 3.5 regular readers, including my Aunt Gertrude, I have the resources to turn this novel into a major movie production.

Recently, I held a casting call.  The following actors read for the part of Fred the Pet Store Owner, who, as discussed yesterday, shoots all of the fish.  Why a pet store owner had a gun, I don’t know.  But it wasn’t because when I was ten I was a lazy writer.  I purposely left it up to the reader’s interpretation.

AL PACINO

Hoowah!  You little fishy finned cock-a-roaches think you can come into my establishment and eat my customers?  If I was half-the man I was twenty years ago, I’d take a flamethrower to this place!  Say hello to my little friend!

Al, my people will call your people.  Next:

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY

Alright, alright, alright.  Hello there kemosabes.  Listen, y’all need to just take a deep breathe and chill out.  Take off your pants and bang on some bongo drums.  All this?  Right here?  This life?  All of this interaction?  This is all just a trick.  We’re all just sentient meat, fooling ourselves into thinking that our base thoughts and emotions actually matter, when in the grand scheme of things, they really don’t.

Don’t call us, Matthew.  We’ll call you.  Next:

DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON

CAN YOU SMELL WHAT FISH THE ROCK IS COOKIN’?!!

God Sakes Alive, you have to be old as shit to get that joke.  Next!

ROBERT DENIRO

You bloopin’ to me?  You make those little puckery bloop bloop fish faces and bloop at me?  Well, I don’t see anyone else around here, so you must be talkin to me!

I don’t know.  A solid performance, but I just picture Fred being younger.  Next!

CLINT EASTWOOD

Go ahead.  Make my filet.

(Cymbal tap – ba dum bum ching!)  Sorry, I said younger!

JESSE EISENBURG

Um…yeah…um you…you…you know I didn’t ask for any of this.  I’m just a guy running a pet store.  I keep the pets fed and if someone wants a pet I sell them a pet.  But…but….but…this?  I’m not prepared for this.  Nothing in my life has prepared me for this…this, what is this?  Fish, these Killer Mutant Fish and all they do is run around, trying to eat all the customers?  And how are they walking on land if they need to be in water?

You had it until you started asking questions.

This might be a tough one.  I’ll have to think about who would make for a good Fred.  If you have any ideas, please post them in the comments.  Tomorrow, we’ll be casting for the part of the Mad Scientist.