SPECIAL GUEST COMMENTARY BY DR. HUGO VONSCIENCE, HEAD SCIENTIST AT THE ADVANCED SCIENCE INSTITUTE OF SCIENCE UNIVERSITY
Dr. Hugo Von Science
Guten Tag, Herr 3.5 Readers!
It is I, Dr. Hugo Von Science! Perhaps you recognize me from my many wunderbar inventions:
- Teflon Pants – for those exceptionally messy jobs
- Teflon Underpants – see above
- The Colon Roomba – patrols your intestines, sucking up excess food. As soon as I gain FDA approval, you’ll never see another overweight person ever again!
- EMPC Grenades – Similar to the Electronic Magnetic Pulse Grenades that knock out the enemies’ electronics, these do the same thing but they also deafen the Army’s opponents with a vigorous blasting of Cher’s greatest hits.
- The Two Jump Pogo Stick – Literally get anywhere in the world within two jumps. We’ve lost many test chimps but we’re confident we’ll figure it out by 2018.
- The Incredible Exploding Chinchilla – You laugh, but when we drop a thousand of these bad boys out of a plane with tiny parachutes, the enemy won’t know what hit them.
And last but certainly not least:
- The X57 Planetary Smashing Death Ray – to be placed on the moon in order to hold the Earth for ransom and…woopsie! I’ve said to much.
Anyhow, I’d like to say a few words about my former student, Mr. Bookshelf Q. Battler, who took every class I taught at the Advanced Science Institute.
In fact, BQB’s assistance was instrumental in securing a patent for the Incredible Exploding Chinchilla. We were able to secure all legal rights to the invention, thus stopping those lesser bastards at Science Tech from their foolish plan to develop exploding ferrets.
Exploding ferrets. Like that would ever work.
BQB is a wise man, an intelligent man, and a generous man. In fact, he spotted me a portrait of Andrew Jackson just to say all this. That’s just the kind of guy he is.
But what you really need to know is that his epic story, Bookshelf Q. Battler and the Meaning of Life is coming to your computer screens on May 15. It’s going to be a blog serial, meaning every day throughout the summer, he’ll post a bite size chunk of his adventure tale right here on bookshelfbattle.com
The best part? He’s doing it for free! (Which makes sense because between you and me I suggested to him that he should spot you all a portrait of Andrew Jackson if he wants anyone to read it).
Whatever you do, be sure to read the part where I, the illustrious Dr. Hugo Von Science make a brief cameo in this stinkenheimer of a story.
By the way, I also hear mumblings that BQB has yet another series dropping on this blog on June 1. I have no involvement in that one because he’s thus far only been referring to it as “Project X.”
MARK YOUR CALENDARS
BQB AND THE MEANING OF LIFE – May 15
PROJECT X – June 1
It may or may not involve exploding chinchillas. You know what? Just assume there won’t be any exploding chinchillas in Project X and then you will be pleasantly surprised if there are some. (Or surprised if there aren’t any, if you’re one of those namby pambies who can’t appreciate a good exploding chinchilla.
Finally, I just want to point out that BQB’s strongest subject has never been math. He claims as some kind of a joke that he only has 3.5 readers but he just told me his blog has around 900 followers.
Such a poor math student. That reminds me – due to poor calculations, BQB’s first one hundred chinchilla test subjects did not even explode. It was only when I pointed out to him that he forgot to carry the one was he able to explode chinchillas at a fast and furious pace.
Either way, if you haven’t followed the Bookshelf Battle Blog, now’s the time to do so because you’ll be able to take in free serialized stories on this blog all summer long.
And who knows? I might return to talk more about scientific happenings of a scientific nature.
Danke schön,
Dr. Hugo Von Science
Head Scientist
Advanced Science Institute of Science University
Mad scientist photo courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.
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