Bookshelf Battle

It’s ba-ack!

But hopefully not to return for awhile.

Angry ghosts terrorize a family and I haven’t missed a little person actor this much since the last lull I had to go through between Game of Thrones seasons four and five.

Bookshelf Q. Battler here with a review of Poltergeist.

SPOOKY SPOILERS AHEAD

Let me lay it out for you, 3.5 readers.

Hollywood suits are, first and foremost, businessmen.  They put big bucks into the films that entertain us and they want a surefire return on their investment.  Therefore, remakes, reboots, and sequels of films that already hit it big are here to stay.

That’s not always a bad thing but let’s be honest with this one.

Zelda Rubinstein, the diminutive actress who played Tangina the Clairvoyant in the original Poltergeist in 1982, is what made this franchise. Who can forget her creepy pleas of “Carol Ann, come into the light?”

Well, the millennials can or never knew about her in the first place, so alas, this film is their introduction to a series that got its start through the legendary Steven Spielberg.

Maybe it’s because too much time has passed.  Maybe because in 1982 people knew less about technology and getting sucked into your TV seemed more like something to be worried about back then.

Or maybe it’s just that movies like Saw upped the game.  Maybe there are too many real world terrors to get spooked by a goofy movie.

Despite all these maybes, a sequel to a classic has the mission of living up to the original and this one didn’t.

Let me admit I’m biased.  I’m not a huge fan of the horror genre in the first place.  All of those movies are, more or less, the same thing.  Something goes bump in the night.  Everyone thinks the person who heard the bump first is crazy.  The naughty ghosts finally make their presence clear.  Usually, someone who’s been acting like a jerk buys the farm in an ironic manner to the audience’s delight (although that trope isn’t present in this film).

Zelda’s little feet left some big shoes to fill and although Jared Harris of Mad Men fame delivers a solid attempt as TV ghost investigator personality Carrigan Burke, older viewers are just left wishing our favorite clairvoyant was around to give us one last turn.

The setup?  It’s been so long that it feels like a remake but it’s actually a sequel.  Sam Rockwell leads the cast as father of the Bowen clan.  The family moves to the neighborhood where the Freelings were attacked by a poltergeist in the early 1980’s.

NOTE:  Before making a move, do some research to find out if your new neighborhood has a history of poltergeist activity.

A gaggle of fiendish ghosts trapped Freeling daughter Carol Ann in the TV in the original film and not to be outdone, they trap Madison, the baby of the Bowen family, in a flat screen this time around.

Oh those poltergeists.  What a bunch of one trick ponies.

(This is the part where some nerd will explain to me that the kids weren’t really trapped in the TVs, so much as they were pulled into an alternate dimension and the TV signal carries their voice to our dimension.  That’s true, Madison actually gets taken through a portal in the closet.  Thank you for clarifying, nerds.)

My favorite part of the flick?  Son Griffin’s drone toy is piloted into the great beyond.

I want a drone.  I really do.

STATUS:  It’s not the worst movie I’ve ever seen, but the time I wasted in the theater watching it will be the last time I see it. The people behind the film did their best and it’s not like they could have just hired another little person because Zelda’s performance can’t be recreated with any degree of success.  It’s worth a rental but don’t rush out anytime soon.

Not shelf-worthy.