Monthly Archives: June 2015

Jun 14 2015
5 Comments
Ask the Alien

Ask the Alien – 6/14/15 – Intelligent Plant Life

By: Alien Jones, Intergalactic Correspondent

Greetings, Earth Losers!  ‘Tis I, Alien Jones, here to once again shed some light on the questions that vex your dump of a planet.

No offense.  I meant that in a nice way.

Alien Jones took in a movie as

Alien Jones took in a movie as “research” for this column.

This week’s question comes from Connie Flanagan of the blog, “Everything Indie.”  She writes:

“Bookshelf Q. Battler, how very flattered you must feel to have been selected to be the human emissary of Alien Jones and the Mighty Potentate.”

Ah, of course BQB is touched to have been selected as the chosen one by the Mighty Potentate, aren’t you BQB?

BQB:  You know, I was at first, but now it’s just like, “What have these guys done for me lately?”  I mean, holy crap, I have the power of space aliens behind me and my blog is still less popular than that “Peanut Butter Jelly Time” video.  Back to you, AJ.

“It’s peanut butter jelly time!  Peanut butter jelly time!  Peanut butter jelly…peanut butter jelly!”  Wait?  What?  Blast! Now that infernal song is stuck in my head!

And don’t blame me for your failures, Bookshelf Q. Battler.  You know you could have skipped watching Spy last night and done some writing!

BQB:  It was for the blog!

Yeah yeah.  It’s always for the blog, isn’t it?  Anyway, Connie goes on:

My question is admittedly mundane, but it’s one I’ve been curious about for some time: As a vegetarian, I’ve become concerned that plant-life may also have intelligence and emotional lives. If so, do they resent being cultivated for human consumption and having the genetics of their offspring/offshoots altered?

Not a mundane question at all.  In fact, it’s a very astute one.

Bookshelf Q. Battler!  Do you recall the 2008 film The Happening by director M. Night Shyamalan?

BQB:  Oh my God!  So awful!  I’ve been complaining about it for years!  So basically, this was yet another attempt by Shyamalan to wow the audience with a twist at the end, but as usual, he just fails to recreate the success of his first film, The Sixth Sense.

What happens?  Should we be concerned about SPOILERS?

BQB:  You should be concerned with getting your money back if you waste your time on this piece of crap.  So here’s what happens.  Mark Wahlberg stars as a man protecting his family in the wake of a toxin that’s been released into the air that’s making people commit suicide.  The twist at the end of the film?  The toxin has been released by plants!  Yes, plants! They’re tired of mankind’s mistreatment of the planet and as it turns out, they’re the culprits who have poisoned humanity.

Well, here’s the deal.  The Happening isn’t just a horrible movie.  It’s also a documentary of what could potentially happen to your planet one day if people don’t start taking better care of the environment.

You see, M. Night Shyamalan is in fact, a space alien.  He hails from Planet Shamalama, a world once inhabited by humans until the plants got tired and released a toxin that convinced everyone to off themselves.  Shyamalan was one of a select few who were able to escape in time.

(Fun side note: Otis Day and the Knights are also from the same planet. They cashed in by becoming musical performers.  Their hit, “Shama Lama Ding Dong” is actually the national anthem of their homeland.)

Shamalama was once a pinnacle of technology and industry, with factories blowing smoke and churning out various products from an ever consuming populace.  When the plants got tired of it, they staged a revolution.

Today, the hierarchy of ruling classes on Shamalama are as follows:

SQUASH – The Gold Class – They make all important decisions.

STRAWBERRIES – The Silver Class – They work behind the scenes to manipulate all plant and vegetable matter to carry out the bidding of the Supreme Squash.

LEGUMES – The Bronze Class – The worker bees of the planet who carry out the lesser tasks.

Rose bushes, pine cones, cucumbers, rododendrons, grass – they all have their own tasks that I won’t bother with.  Suffice to say, the plants have that world running like a well oiled machine now and frankly, are doing a better job than the Shama Lama Ding Dongs ever did.

(That’s the actual name of the former residents of Shamalama.)

BQB:  AJ, Attorney Donnelly just called and she says she’s too busy to fend off any potential lawsuits that might be generated by referring to M. Knight Shyamalan and Otis Day and the Knights as Shama Lama Ding Dong aliens from Planet Shamalama.

Oh, will you stop?  Great Garbanax, this place has gotten less fun since that woman showed up.  “You can’t say this!  You can’t say that!”

You’re probably just trying to shamelessly plug your new series, “Pop Culture Mysteries.”

“Oh look at me!  I’m Bookshelf Q. Battler!  Five more people read one of my stories than usual so I’m ready for my payday, Hollywood!”

Get over yourself, BQB.

And besides…M. “Knight” Shyamalan.  Otis Day and the “Knights.”  It’s not like they’re hiding it.  It’s fairly obvious that only the knights of Shamalama would have had access to escape pods when the plants took over.

Finally, Connie also writes:

Also–and please beg for tolerance from Alien Jones and the Mighty Potentate for my positing two questions rather than just one–is there anything digestible by humans that doesn’t resent being eaten and/or genetically modified?

I’m afraid not.  Garbanzo beans.  Wheat germ.  Carrots.  Rutabagas.  Turnips.  There literally is not one piece of food without a mind and a soul that isn’t shouting, “Ouch!” on the inside as soon as you bite into it.

But try not to let that get you down.  You’ve got to eat, right?

Try to focus on string beans.  Those guys are notorious a-holes and won’t be missed.

Alien Jones is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle Blog, on a mission to raise Earth’s collective intelligence levels one question at a time. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Tweet it to @bookshelfbattle on Twitter, leave it in the comments on bookshelfbattle.com, or stop by Bookshelf Battle on Google Plus. If he likes your question, he might even promote your book, blog, other project in his answer.

Alien image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

Attorney Donnelly feels the need to reiterate that M. Knight Shyamalan and Otis Day and the Knights are not space aliens.  

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Jun 14 2015
5 Comments
Movie Reviews

Movie Review – Spy – 2015

It’s original.  It’s not a reboot of a remake of a sequel.  It’s the breakout success of the summer.  And it left BQB rolling in the aisles.

Bookshelf Q. Battler here with a review of the comedy/action film Spy.

OBLIGATORY SPOILER WARNING

Movie Trailer – Spy – 20th Century Fox

I have to admit going into this I wasn’t expecting much, so I love it when a movie leaves me pleasantly surprised and wanting more.

Melissa McCarthy’s great and all but for awhile I’ve felt her best performance was in Bridesmaids and everything else was just icing on the cake.

Until now.

McCarthy stars as Susan Cooper, a desk jockey CIA analyst who provides mission support for CIA agent Bradley Fine (Jude Law).

When the covers of the CIA’s top agents are blown, the situation calls for a real nobody to save the day, someone the enemy has never heard of before.

Or in other words, Susan Cooper.

Over the years, many films have tried to blend action with comedy with mixed results.  Sometimes there’s a focus on the comedy and the action is watered down or vice versa.  This film, on the other hand, provides the perfect mix of both.  I was slapping my knee uncontrollably at all the funny bits but at the same time, was blown away with visual effects and fight scenes that rival any of the other action blockbusters out this summer.

McCarthy’s stock will no doubt rise after this picture.  Not to give too much away, but she hilariously overcomes various lame cover identities to take control and bring down a scheme to sell a nuclear bomb.

What’s the key to a great comedy?  For me, it’s uncontrollable laughter.  Laughter is as real as it gets when it comes to emotional reaction.  You either laugh or you don’t and I can’t remember a movie that left me guffawing like an idiot the way this one did.

Jason Statham shows a new side of himself as he provides a parody of every tough guy he’s ever played in the form of Agent Rick Ford.  As a running joke in the film, Ford continuously regales Cooper with countless stories of dangers he’s encountered on the job.  He’s been shot, stabbed, set on fire, and ingested one-hundred and seven varieties of poison, just to name a few.

Statham with a sense of humor.  Who knew he had it in him?

As Rayna, the bad girl of the film, Rose Byrne proves that various dirty words said with a British accent become that much more hilarious.

British actress Miranda Hart plays Cooper’s sidekick Nancy, another CIA desk jockey who’s thrust into the thick of it without any prior field experience.  I’d never heard of her before but her performance left me hoping to see more of her in the future.

Ultimately, this movie pokes fun at the James Bond films and yet, not only does it do that well, it becomes something special all of its own.

As you might be aware, Director Paul Feig and McCarthy are a comedic duo.  Feig provides the film know how while McCarthy provides the laughs.

Up until now, the duo hadn’t provided a movie with intense action and special effects but if this film is an indication of what they are capable of, then this critic is resting a little easier knowing that the upcoming Ghostbusters reboot is in good hands.

STATUS:  Shelf worthy.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,
Jun 14 2015
4 Comments
BQB and the Meaning of Life

BREAKING NEWS: Bookshelf Q. Battler’s Real Name Revealed!

Bookshelf Q. Battler's real name is Eduardo Ricardo Papageorgio Von Finklestein. Don't tell his enemies.

Bookshelf Q. Battler’s real name is Eduardo Ricardo Papageorgio Von Finklestein. Don’t tell his enemies.

EAST RANDOMTOWN, USA – Bookshelf Q. Battler’s 3.5 readers are plotzing like there’s no tomorrow over a major reveal on the Bookshelf Battle Blog, the real name of our illustrious blog host – Eduardo Ricardo Papageorgio Von Finklestein.

“It wasn’t that big a reveal to me,” said Aunt Gertie, one of the 3.5.  “I’ve known my little Eduardo since I was changing his stinky diapers but if he prefers being referred to as Bookshelf Q. Battler, then who am I to argue?”

Alien Jones, a space traveler from a far away galaxy assigned by his ruler, the Mighty Potentate, to aid Bookshelf Q. Battler in his efforts to get a writing career off the ground in any way possible, said, “Well, that’s just ridiculous.  There’s no possible friggin’ way that I’m going to be able to get people to read a book written by a guy named, ‘Eduardo Ricardo Papageorgio Von Finklestein.'”

When asked if that comment meant he that he was in disagreement with the Mighty Potentate, who has steadfastly maintained that BQB’s fabulous writing skills are the only thing keeping a new age of entertainment where reality television dominates over scripted media from sweeping across the universe, the Esteemed Brainy one replied, “Foolish Earth Loser!  That was just a joke!  Of course I concur with the wisdom of the Mightiest of Potentates, may his exuberance be known throughout the cosmos.  Eduardo Ricardo Papasomething or other…yes.  That’s a fine name.”

What are the chances of a man named Eduardo Ricardo Papageorgio Von Finklestein being published?  This reporter consulted with none other than Beatrix Carmoody of Carmoody and Associates Literary Agency.

“Look,” Ms. Carmoody said.  “I don’t care if the guy’s written a book that makes Shakespeare look like a circus monkey, with all the intrigue of Game of Thrones and all the epic wonder of Star Wars and Harry Potter combined.  If it’s got, “Eduardo Ricardo Papageorgio Von Finklestein” on the cover, then there’s no way anyone is buying that shit.”

Alien Jones was notified of this information.

Alien Jones in a rare display of emotion upon realizing his job just got 1,000 times harder.

Alien Jones in a rare display of emotion upon realizing his job just got 1,000 times harder.

“Ahh,”  said Mr. Jones.  “Well, I’ve read BQB’s work toward a novel and so far all he’s done is write out the lyrics to Baby’s Got Back a hundred times.  Oh and once in awhile he’ll type out, ‘I have no idea what to say so I’m going to go get a donut.’  He has about fifty pages of that.  Sooo, Shakespeare plus Star Wars plus Harry Potter and he still doesn’t have a chance because of his name?”

Alien Jones then excused himself and banged his head against a wall for fifteen minutes straight.  Upon his return, he stated to this reporter, “It’s no big deal.  If the Mighty Potentate says that BQB is the chosen one then who am I to argue with his Fabulous Potentositude? And I’m saying that because I truly believe in my mission and not out of an intense fear that the Mighty Potentate might vaporize me for disagreeing, as he has done with so, so many others.  All hail the Mighty Potentate.”

Bookshelf Q. Battledog, Head of Security for the Bookshelf Battle Compound, provided this insightful comment:

Woof.

Woof indeed, BQBD.  Woof indeed.  That says it all, doesn’t it?  But as Head of Security, is this cunning canine worried that his boss’s true moniker is out in the open?

Woof woof.

As always, a stoic security professional of few words.

One hundred pounds of badass in a five pound bag.

One hundred pounds of badass in a five pound bag.

What’s the significance of this big reveal?  This reporter went straight to the source.

“It’s not that big a deal,”  Bookshelf Q. Battler said.  “Sure, I comprised the security of the Bookshelf Battle Compound but, you know, it was for a hot nerd chick so whatever.  It’s not like anyone really reads this thing and I’m sure my 3.5 readers will be cool.  Things shouldn’t change at all and people should continue to call me by my codename, Bookshelf Q. Battler.  My real name can’t fall into the hands of my arch nemesis, the Yeti.”

The Yeti was unavailable for comment, as he was too busy being trained by Fit Nerd as part of a new series, Fit Nerd Trains the Yeti.

Stupid Yeti

Stupid Yeti

3.5 readers are directed to not share BQB’s real name with anyone, especially any smelly yetis they may encounter.

“So I shouldn’t have told everyone at the bingo hall?”  Aunt Gertie asked.

No comment, Gertie.  No comment.

Tagged , , , ,
Jun 14 2015
2 Comments
BQB and the Meaning of Life

BQB and the Meaning of Life – Part 15 – BQB’s Real Name

PREVIOUSLY ON BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER AND THE MEANING OF LIFE

BQB dies.  Lives.  He must search for the meaning of life.

Read Parts 1-5

BQB and his bookshelf characters talk.  Holmes and Watson want to help.

Read Parts 6-13

BQB flies Air Third World on a mission to visit the war torn nation of Pango Tango, where the Great Guru lives. BQB hopes to ask him about the meaning of life  On the plane, BQB meets a nerdy female video game enthusiast.

Read Part 14

“And so, in Monster Nightmare, if you chop up a thousand monsters with your chainsaw, you get a distinguished chainsaw valor award,” the pretty she-nerd explained.

“Naturally,”  I replied.  “I wouldn’t want to chop up all of those monsters for nothing.”

Vicky shows Ed her video game awards.

Vicky shows Ed her video game awards.

We talked for an hour.  Actually, she talked.  I listened.  Occasionally, I tossed out a witty comment, but she had the floor.

“Listen to me babble on and on about video games,” the woman said.  “I haven’t even bothered to ask you your name.”

She reached out her hand.  I shook it.

“Book…”

I stopped myself.  She was a stranger.  Best to use my given name, not my chosen name.  The magic bookshelf was a source of great power.  Knowledge of its existence was not to be shared with just anyone.

“Eduardo,”  I said.

“Nice to meet you, Eduardo,”  the woman replied.  “I’m Victoria.”

Victoria popped a piece of gum into her mouth and offered me a piece.  I took it and chewed it.  I wasn’t a big gum chewer but it had been so long since I’d been in the company of a beautiful woman that I was ready to do anything she asked me.

“Is that your full name?”  Victoria asked.

I laughed.

“No,”  I said.  “My full name is a bit of a tongue twister.”

“Let’s hear it,”  Victoria said.

“I’d rather not.”

“Come on,”  Victoria said.  “It can’t be that bad.”

“Eduardo Ricardo Papageorgio Von Finklestein.”

Victoria giggled.

“Yeah,”  I said.  “Book agents I queried laughed too.  ‘Good luck selling books with that moniker pasted on the cover!’ they said.”

“You’re a writer?”  Victoria asked.

“I was,”  I replied.  “I used to be.  I stopped.  I’d like to try it again.  It’s complicated.”

“Well, pleased to meet you Eduardo Ricardo Papageorgio Von Finkelstein,”  Victoria said.  “I’m Victoria Gloria Somersby  Stratenhaus.”

“Seriously?”  I asked.

“Seriously,”  she replied.  “But you can call me Vicky.”

“OK,”  I said.  “And you can call me Ed.”

“So tell me, Ed, why did you stop writing?”

“Um,” I said.  “I’d rather hear about this video game fixation of yours.”

“Oh,” Vicky said.  “Long story short, I used to design video games.”

I felt my heart skip a beat – in a good way.  I was in the company of a fellow artist.

“That’s amazing,”  I said.

“Yeah,”  Vicky replied.  “Have you ever heard of Sweet Destroyer?”

“Of course,”  I said.  “I used to have a mild addiction to it.”

“Most people do,”  Vicky said.  “I had an entry level job inputting the code that made the sweets shift around.  It didn’t pay much, but at least I was working in the field I loved.”

“Why’d you leave?”  I asked.

“The guy I was dating at the time dumped me,” Vicky said.  “Said he wanted a woman who was more grounded, down to earth, not living with her head in the clouds.”

“He wanted a girl who preferred a bland life over daydreams about video games?”  I asked.

“Yeah,”  Vicky said.  “How’d you know?”

“Just a wild guess,”  I said.

“So I gave up on video games and went to business school,”  Victoria said.

I broke out in a cold sweat.  Vicky’s story was hitting too close to home.

“Got an MBA,”  Vicky continued.  “I figured there was so much competition in the video game industry that I might as well try my hand at a more practical career.”

“How’d that work out?”  I asked.

“The best I could do was a job at Drying Paint Media,”  Vicky said.  “America’s Number One Producer of Drying Paint Videos.”

This episode of BQB and the Meaning of Life brought to you by Drying Paint Media

This episode of BQB and the Meaning of Life brought to you by Drying Paint Media

“Drying Paint Videos are in high demand?”  I asked.

“Sure,”  Vicky replied.  “People who buy paint want to know how its going to look on their walls when it dries.  Pretty boring work though.”

“At least you’re producing videos,” I said.  “That has to involve some creativity, right?”

“No,”  Vicky said.  “I don’t even get to do that.  I’m just the assistant to the assistant of the vice-president for corporate assistance.”

I felt like I was going to faint.

“Are you alright, Ed?”  Vicky asked.

“Yes.”

“Your face just turned as white as a ghost,”  Vicky said.

“Yeah,”  I said.  “I’m….I’m not really a fan of air travel.”

“Me neither,”  Vicky said as she stood up.  “In fact, excuse me for a moment, I have to go powder my nose.”

I sat back in my seat.  I smiled.  I felt my heart burst.  

Finally, I met someone who could relate to what it was like to be me.

I was feeling euphoric.

And then that feeling came to a grinding halt when I heard two muffled British voices coming from inside my bag.

“Holmes, I don’t think this is a very good idea,”  one of the voices said.

“Watson, stop being such a ninny!”  the other voice replied.  “Simply grab a pair of headphones when Mr. Battler is not looking and then we can revel in the comedic genius that is Pootie-Tang!”

Wow.  A big reveal – Bookshelf Q. Battler’s real name.  A juicy piece of information that our hero’s enemies would love to get their hands on.  Thank God only 3.5 people read this damn thing.

Join us next time on BQB and the Meaning of Life!

Copyright (c) Bookshelf Q. Battler 2015.  All Rights Reserved.

Images courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Jun 13 2015
3 Comments
Pop Culture Mysteries

Pop Culture Mysteries – Case File #001 – Here’s a Story

Jake Hatcher, Official Bookshelf Battle Blog Private Eye

Jake Hatcher, Official Bookshelf Battle Blog Private Eye

A husband.  A wife.  Six kids, three from the man’s first marriage, three from the wife’s.

And a housekeeper who’s as loyal as a highly trained doberman is to its master.

The Brady Bunch aired on ABC from 1969 to 1974.  They’re often looked back on as a bastion of wholesomeness, a tame group who got along a lot better than most families do today.

Still, for the time, the subject matter was a bit risqué.  Men and women with kids from past marriages (or hell, past flings even) get married all the time, but in those days, it was a taboo topic for television.

Kids just don’t pop out of thin air.  There had to have been two other people involved in this story.

What happened to Mike Brady’s first wife?

What happened to Carol Brady’s first husband?

My employer, Bookshelf Q. Battler, was dying to know and thus began my first Pop Culture Mystery.

Want to know what happened to the original Brady Bunch spouses?

Well, you could throw a football to your brother, but you might break your sister’s schnozola in the process.

Better play it safe and read these fine tales instead:

Part 1 – Delilah walks her getaway sticks to a coffee shop, where I’m having a helluva time adjusting to modern sensibilities.  Can’t get a black coffee for less than a King’s ransom.  Can’t smoke without the whole joint coming down on you like a ton of bricks.  Did the Nazis have a comeback while I was asleep?

Part 2 – Agnes the Librarian comes to my aid, helping navigate the complicated world of the modern beep boop machine.  I miss the old days when a computer was the size of a warehouse and only the government had them.

Part 3 – I twist the lid off this mystery like it’s a jar of three week old pickles.  If you want to find out what happened to Mike’s first wife and Carol’s first husband, read on.

(I’m told you can watch the Brady’s antics now on something called Hulu.  I have no idea what that is because I’m from 1955.  I assume it’s something you’ll need a beep boop machine for.)

Do you have a Pop Culture Mystery? Put Hatcher on the case! Tweet your questions about movies, television, music, books and entertainment to @bookshelfbattle or leave them in the comments on the Bookshelf Battle Blog.

Copyright (C) Bookshelf Q. Battler 2015. All Rights Reserved.

Images courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

Tagged , , , , , , , ,
Jun 13 2015
5 Comments
BQB and the Meaning of Life

BQB and the Meaning of Life – Part 14 – Enter the She-Nerd

PREVIOUSLY ON BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER AND THE MEANING OF LIFE

Bookshelf Q. Battler, owner of a magical bookshelf where small versions of literary characters pop out of the books on said shelf and run amuck, dies on the toilet while crapping lightning, a condition which, as we learn, is very common.

In fact, you should do your part to help find a cure.

Our hero croaks, finds himself in God’s Waiting Room, where he’s told by his spirit guide, William Shakespeare, to seek the meaning of life.

READ PARTS 1-5

BQB is given a second chance at life.  Upon his return to BQB HQ, his book character charges are sorry for driving him crazy to the point where the aforementioned lightning incident occurred.  Holmes and Watson are particularly interested in helping.

A TV news story reveals that The Great Guru, a wise man who has consumed the knowledge of every book ever written, is cut off from the world in his sanctuary atop a mountain located in the middle of the war torn island of Pango-Tango.  Ironically, Pangonians and the Tangonians have been hacking each other to pieces and blowing each other up for twenty years as the result of a dispute over which side is the most peaceful.

READ PARTS 6-13

AND NOW BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER AND THE MEANING OF LIFE CONTINUES…

Ding.

The Captain’s authoritative voice came through the intercom.

“Thank you for flying Air Third World.  Our motto?  ‘If you wanna go there, who are we to talk you out of it?  We are cruising at an altitude of 35,000 feet above sea level and we invite you to watch our in-flight feature film, Pootie Tang.”

“Pootie Tang?”  I asked out loud.  “Seriously?”

“Seriously,”  the Captain responded, apparently expecting someone to question the airline’s choice of in-flight movie.

Pootie Tang at 35,000 feet

Pootie Tang at 35,000 feet

For once in my life, I lucked out.  The seat next to me was empty, so I kept my carry on bag on it.  I sprawled myself out and was about to take a nap, when the voice of a pleasant sounding woman sitting behind me caught my attention.

“So this is the award I got for wasting the most aliens on Space Killer,” the woman said.  “Oh!  And this is the award I got for killing the most terrorists on War Shooter!”

“Uh huh,” responded a male voice.

“This is the award I received for selling the most crack on Car Thief Mayhem,”  the woman said.  “I’m not actually all that proud of that one.  Maybe I should delete it off my record.”

“OK then,”  the man said.

“Oh!”  the woman said.  “This is the special victory medal I got when I finished Interplanetary Roleplayer as a female and as a male Sgt. Sequoia!”

The man behind me reached up and tapped me on the shoulder.  I leaned over to look back at him.  He was a macho manly man, about my age, who looked like he might have been a frat boy in his youth.

“Dude,” the man said.  “Can you switch seats with me?  This chick is boring the hell outta’ me!”

I peaked up over the seat.  Next to the man sat a beautiful she-nerd.  Big blue eyes, bright red hair, green glasses, and in her hands, a tablet that displayed all of her video game victories.

I hated to give up the extra room, but damn she was cute.  I grabbed my bag and switched seats with the man.  The woman didn’t notice.

“They give you an award for every hundred thousand zombies you dismember on Shuffling Living: The Video Game Experience,”  the woman said.  “Not to brag, but I have ten of those bad boys.”

“That’s cool,”  I replied.

The woman looked up.

“Where did the other guy go?”

“We switched seats,”  I replied. 

“Oh,”  she said with a frown as she folded a cover over her tablet  “I guess sometimes I get carried away.”

“I don’t think so,”  I said.  “I’d like to hear more about your video game achievements.”

“Seriously?”  she asked, flashing me the brightest grin I’d ever seen.

“Seriously,”  I replied.

Is love in the air for Bookshelf Q. Battler?  Tune in tomorrow!  

P.S – in the next part, we’ll learn Bookshelf Q. Battler’s real name!  You don’t want to miss it!

Copyright (C) Bookshelf Q. Battler.  All Rights Reserved.

Image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,
Jun 12 2015
4 Comments
Pop Culture Mysteries

Pop Culture Mysteries – Enter the Blonde – Parts 1-6

By:  Jake Hatcher, Official Bookshelf Battle Private Eye

Jake Hatcher, Official Bookshelf Battle Private Eye

Jake Hatcher, Official Bookshelf Battle Private Eye

Dames.  They’re a dime a dozen until one day one passes by and makes your jaw drop faster than a 1929 stock ticker.

Delilah K. Donnelly. Now that’s one attorney I wouldn’t mind handling my pro bono.

Get your mind out of the gutter, degenerates.  All I’m saying is when it comes to dinero I’m broker than a piñata full of candy at a kids’ birthday party, and I could use the gal’s advice on all the mysteries coming my way.

After all, she’s the one bringing them to me.

My new employer, one Bookshelf Q. Battler, is some kind of whacko who spends all his time thinking about popular culture.  Movies, television, music, books, entertainment – he can’t get enough of it.

But his obsession means he’s full of questions.

Delilah serves as a go-between, an intermediary, if you will.  The nerd thinks up the mysteries, the dame delivers them and who solves them?

Yours truly.

Want to know how this whole arrangement began?  You’re going to have to pop on your spectacles and do some reading, Jack.

Delilah K. Donnelly, In-House Counsel for the Bookshelf Battle Blog

Delilah K. Donnelly, In-House Counsel for the Bookshelf Battle Blog

Part 1 – I return to my office on a dark and stormy night only to find a blonde dame sitting in my deskchair.  She knows so much about me that it makes me uncomfortable.  Hell, the broad even knows everything about my ex-wives.

Part 2 – The gal reads me my whole life’s story. Odd, since I knew it already. It’s almost like she was doing it for the benefit of 3.5 readers. Also, I dish details about a top secret mission I was involved in during World War II.

Part 3 – The blonde introduces herself as Delilah K. Donnelly.  She’s a lawyer, which is too bad, because I’ve never met a member of the bar that didn’t make me clutch my wallet tighter.  Come to think of it, this lawyer makes me want to clutch something else…

Part 4 – Delilah provides me a letter from an odd fella who wants me to work for him.

Part 5 – Cunning counselor that she is, Delilah presents an iron clad contract to me.

Part 6 – Do I sign it?  Feast your peepers and find out.

No blondes were entered during the production of this story.  One did enter a room though, hence the title.  

Do you have a Pop Culture Mystery?  Put Hatcher on the case!  Tweet your questions about movies, television, music, books and entertainment to @bookshelfbattle or leave them in the comments on the Bookshelf Battle Blog.

Copyright (C) Bookshelf Q. Battler 2015.  All Rights Reserved.

Images courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Jun 12 2015
3 Comments
Movie Reviews

Movie Review – Jurassic World (2015)

Dun dun…dun dun!  Da da dun da dun dun dun!

That was me trying to type the Jurassic Park/World theme song.

Nevermind.  OBLIGATORY SPOILER WARNING.

To paraphrase Jeff Goldblum’s line from the original film, this franchise, like life, keeps finding a way.

Bookshelf Q. Battler here with a review of this summer’s blockbuster dino-fest Jurassic World.

Movie Trailer – Jurassic World – Universal Pictures

Do you remember Jurassic Park?  I do.  As a kid, I spazzed out over the movie’s sheer awesomeness.  In fact, that flick was the first to use CGI on a massive scale to bring dinosaurs to life, thus ushering in an era of computer generated monsters, beasts and assorted bad guys.

In short, it blew peoples’ minds, mine included.  The best description I can give is for me, seeing Jurassic Park was probably a lot like how young people felt when they saw Star Wars in 1977.

The only downside?  Are we at the peak of what special effects can do?  Are we spoiled now?  Are we used to CGI?  Will someone ever figure out some other awesome thing to do in a movie that will knock our socks off, leaving a new generation of kids’ jaws to drop the way mine did when I saw the first film in this series?

Time will tell, but a movie growing public that’s grown used to the wonders of CGI reminds me of the line uttered by Chris Pratt’s character Owen Grady – “Aren’t dinosaurs enough?”

He asks that in response to Bryce Howard’s Claire, the administrator of the new Jurassic World theme park, who notes that every few years a new and even more fearsome dinosaur has to be created to keep the public’s attention.

Sorry Owen.  In theory, you’re right.  Dinosaurs should be enough and so should a steady diet of CGI effects dished out by Hollywood over the past twenty plus years.

But it never is.  Once the “wow factor” dissipates, whatever wowed us becomes yesterday’s news and we’re left wanting something bigger and better.

Here, we find it in the form of the Indominus Rex, the super dinosaur engineered to bring tourists to the park but alas, and perhaps as can be expected in these movies, he escapes, thus giving Owen a Claire a run for their money.

Owen is a dinosaur handler on the island working on a project to train raptors to work with humans.  The raptors were arguably scarier than the T-Rex in the first film.  Sure, the T-Rex might stomp or chomp you but the highly intelligent raptors will haunt you in a pack and find you wherever you’re hiding.

Raptors as the good guys in this film?  Say it ‘aint so!

There’s plenty of homages to the original film.  There’s a nerd with a soda cup and a messy work station ala Dennis Nedry (Wayne Knight who went on to become Jerry Seinfeld’s arch enemy Newman).  Claire’s nephews (the children in peril in this film) find a long discarded goggle hat similar to the one Tim wore when he and his sister Lex where the children in peril in the original.  Mr. DNA makes a cameo.  And of course, there’s a statue of John Hammond.

I don’t want to give much more away but suffice to say, it lives up to the hype and since the original, it is the first sequel to do Michael Crichton’s vision justice.

Sadly, we lost Crichton in 2008, but his books and the movies based on them live on.  After watching Jurassic Park, I ran out and got a copy of the book and I remember being inspired by a man who didn’t make his way into the entertainment industry through the usual route (i.e. I’ll jaunt off to Hollywood and see what happens!) but rather as a doctor who took his scientific/medical knowledge and used it to churn out stories that kept us in suspense.

Chris Pratt continues to inspire nerds everywhere.  Honestly, when you first started watching Parks and Recreation, did you think the guy playing Andy would ever find himself as a summer blockbuster leading man two years in a row?  He’s not that cookie cutter, exceptionally handsome dude that looks like he got yanked off the Hollywood assembly line that we’ve grown used to.  Rather, he kind of looks like a guy we’d want to have a beer with after the movie.

Bryce plays the bean counting administrator well, obsessed with work and dollars only to realize the gravity of the situation when the Indominus goes for a stroll.

Dr. Wu (B.D. Wong of Law and Order fame), was in the first film and he reprises his role here.  SPOILER ALERT – he runs of with some dino DNA, thus leaving this reviewer to speculate that the door is opened for yet another sequel.

It’ll have to be awesome, because apparently, the average, run of the mill dinosaur just isn’t good enough anymore.

STATUS:  Shelf Worthy

Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,
Jun 12 2015
2 Comments
Uncle Hardass

And Now a Message from Uncle Hardass…

By:  Uncle Hardassimo “Hardass” J. Scrambler, Bookshelf Q. Battler’s Extremely Cranky and Deceased Uncle

Uncle Hardass

Uncle Hardass J. Scrambler

Mother of God.  You people actually read this nonsense?  “Oh look at me!  I’m friends with an alien!”  “Oh look at me!  I have a blog!”  “Oh look at me!  I have 3.5 readers!”

Well la dee freakin’ da.  Everyone wants to be a writer anymore.  No one can be bothered to roll up their sleeves and put a good honest day’s work in at the Salt Mines.  You all want your salt but you want some other guy to get it.

Here’s a newsflash ya’ bunch of unwashed hippy good-fer-nothins!  While you’re all tappity tapping on your electro-thingy-ma-whosits, people are busting their asses just to bring salt to your table.

Think my good for nothing nephew cares?  Nah.  He’s too busy “blogging.”  Jesus.  I’m glad I’m dead so I don’t have to be reminded of the fact that all the work I put into raising that kid amounted to him writing a “blog” for the benefit of 3.5 readers.

In fact, here’s how it all went down on my death-bed:

BQB:  Uncle Hardass!  Don’t die!  I’ll do anything!  I’ll even get a job at the Salt Mines!

UNCLE HARDASS:  Aack!  Too late!  Thank God I’m dying.  If I live long enough, you’ll probably disappoint me by taking all the effort I put into raising you and starting a blog for the benefit of 3.5 readers!

BQB:  That actually sounds like a good idea…

UNCLE HARDASS:  Aack!  Oh God!  This is it!  I hope there’s no hippies in the afterlife!  Aaack!

First, I called it.  That buffoon went and started a blog for 3.5 readers.  I’d kick myself in the ass for giving him the idea but I’m a ghost and my foot would just go through my ass.

Second, there’s nothing but hippies here.  I’m not sure if I’m in Heaven or Hell.  I might be in my own personal Hell where I’m surrounded by hippies who just babble on about all the art they want to create while I bust my ass everyday until the end of time at the Afterlife Salt Mines.

Then again, this is probably Heaven, because I like working at the Salt Mines and bitching about useless hippies.

Anyway, what was my point?  Oh yeah.

My nephew’s story, “Bookshelf Q. Battler and the Meaning of Life” starts again tomorrow and I’m here to ask you to not read it. The more people read it, the bigger his ego will get and then he’ll never face facts and accept the solid employment that only the Salt Mines can offer.

He thinks he’s being real avant garde with this stuff.  You’ll learn his real name though I don’t know why you’d want to because I just refer to him as “the moocher.”

TRANSLATION OF A CONVERSATION BETWEEN A YOUNG BQB AND UNCLE HARDASS:

YOUNG BQB:  Uncle Hardass!  Will you read me a story?

UNCLE HARDASS:  A story?!  How the expletive deleted do you have time for a story?  Why don’t you have a job at the Salt Mines yet, ya moocher?

YOUNG BQB:  I’m three.

UNCLE HARDASS:  And?!  So what?  Are you going to use that excuse forever?  You sound just like your Aunt!  “He’s only three, Hardassimo!”  “Stop trying to make him get a job, Hardassimo!”  “Stop gluing a beard to his face in an attempt to pass him off at the Salt Mines as a little person day laborer, Hardassimo!”

YOUNG BQB:  Read this book to me!  It’s called “The Three Billy Goats Gruff.”

UNCLE HARDASS:  Oh alright.  Jesus H. Christ.  Shit like this is why the Japanes are beating us hands down.  You think those kids are reading stories right now?  No.  They’re too busy making transistors and practicing karate and shit.  All you kids who want to read and write will be crying your eyes out when your lack of hard work leads to the Good Ole U S of A being overtaken by the land of the rising sun but alright, here we go.  “Once upon a time…blah blah blah….there were some goats….”

YOUNG BQB:  You’re not reading it right!

UNCLE HARDASS:  I’m making improvements!  Alright, so there were three hard working goats who worked eighty hours a week at the Salt Mines and were happy to do it.  And once upon a time, they were walking across a bridge when an incredibly lazy troll popped out of nowhere and harassed the shit out of the hard working goats.

YOUNG BQB:  I don’t think that’s how it goes…

UNCLE HARDASS:  “Boo!”  said the hideous, lazy troll.  “I’m a writer!  I sit around and make up stories all day while hardworking goats like you slave away in the salt mines!  La dee da I’m so special!”

YOUNG BQB:  I’m going to bed.

UNCLE HARDASS:  Good!  And put your beard on tomorrow!  One of these days I’ll convince the foreman that you’re a little person day laborer and not my lazy moocher of a nephew!  I had three jobs when I was your age, you know.

And then I also hear that at some point in this lousy series, BQB is going to find himself a woman!

I don’t know whether I should be happy for him or sad for the gal.  I mean, hell, it’s about time my nephew settled down and started a family of his own but on the other hand, I have no idea how this clown will ever support a woman without a job at the Salt Mines.

I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised.  I was quite the ladies’ man myself in my day.  How else do you think I scored a fox like Gertie?  Well, she used to be quite the looker anyway.  Now she just kind of looks like a wrinkly basset hound with a wig on it.

Don’t tell her I said that.  She’ll find a way to nag me even though I’m deader than disco.  Nobody reads this thing anyway right?

Read BQB’s story.  Don’t read BQB’s story.  I don’t care.  I know everything but young people never want to listen to my advice.  Make your own mistakes I guess.  God knows my lousy excuse for a nephew has.

If you’ll excuse me now, I have to go haunt my old house.  It’s the one I told Gertie that she is under no circumstances to give to BQB when she goes to the old folks home, but she’s another one that never listened to me.

Oh, right, I’m supposed to refer to it as the “Bookshelf Battle Compound.”  More of BQB’s delusions of grandeur.

Kids these days.  I tell ya.

Get a job, ya bums.

Uncle Hardass croaked years ago after a steady diet of pastrami finally caught up to him.  Even so, BQB is certain he can hear him haunting the Bookshelf Battle Compound.  Occasionally, he even manages to post on BQB’s blog from the afterlife.

Tagged , , , , , , ,
Jun 11 2015
8 Comments
BQB and the Meaning of Life

And Now a Word from Our Sponsor (Lightning Infused Toaster Pastry Toilet Death Awareness)

Together, we can find a cure for LITPTD.

Together, we can find a cure for LITPTD.

BEN AFFLECK:  Hello.  I’m acclaimed motion picture star Ben Affleck.  Everything I’ve been in has been great.

Gigli?

Neverheard of it.  Will you people get over it, already?  Look, you’d make any movie if you were dating J. Lo and…nope.  Nevermind. We’re not hear to talk about that.  We’re hear to talk about a horrendous illness that is sweeping across the globe.

LADY GAGA:  Gosh, Ben!  What is it?

BEN AFFLECK:  It’s a physical condition that’s uglier than that dress you’ve got on, Gaga.

JOE NAMATH:  It sounds awful, Ben.

BEN AFFLECK:  It sure does legendary football star Joe Namath.

KERMIT THE FROG:  Hi Ho Ben, why don’t you just tell us what it is already?

BEN AFFLECK:  LITPTD

AL ROKER:  Say what?!

BEN AFFLECK:  LITPTD, or in laymen’s terms, “Lightning Infused Toaster Pastry Toilet Death.”

CROWD OF CELEBRITIES ON STAGE GASPS

IGGY AZALEA:  Crikey, Ben!  What in the deep digeridoo is that?

BEN AFFLECK:  Every year, thousands of people die after eating a toaster pastry infused with a concentrated lightning bolt. It’s not their fault.  Lightning infused toaster pastries are so damn delicious that no mortal is able to resist.  Sadly, what goes in must come out and sure enough, the lightning comes out in a big way.  Too big for the human body to handle…usually while the afflicted individual is sitting on the toilet.

KERMIT THE FROG:  Did you say, “usually?”

BEN AFFLECK:  I did.  Unfortunately, the best case scenario for a LITPTD sufferer is to die whilst on the commode.  Of course, we’ve all seen the news stories about LITPTD afflicted individuals rolling over in the middle of the night and taking out their spouses who happen to be sleeping in bed with them.  Of course, our hearts and prayers go out to those poor folks who were attending a telemarketer convention when one of the attendees inflicted by LITPTD wasn’t able to find a bathroom in time and accidentally took out an entire seminar on how to call people during dinner.

KERMIT THE FROG:  Did you say thousands of people suffer from this?  Is LITPD really that common?

BEN AFFLECK:  Yes, Kermit. Right now as we speak, someone is dying on the toilet while trying to push out a lightning bolt that was consumed in the form of a toaster pastry.

NICKI MINAJ:  (Sweetly) Only cherry toaster pastries though, right? (ANGRILY) – BECAUSE TO DIE FROM AN ORANGE TOASTER PASTRY WOULD BE A FRIGHTENING SIGHT!

BEN AFFLECK:  No Nicki.  Lightning can strike any flavor of toaster pastry and make it extra delicious and hard to resist, despite the fact that eating it results in a certain, painful, and exceptionally hilarious death.  Strawberry.  Chocolate.  Vanilla.  No toaster pastry is safe from becoming a vessel of impending doom.

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE:  What can we do, Ben?

BEN AFFLECK:  What celebrities do best, Justin.  We can raise awareness.

CELEBRITIES GATHER TOGETHER AND BREAK OUT INTO SONG

Cure LITPTD Today

By: A Gaggle of Concerned Celebrities

ALL:

There’s a rumble in my tummy!

I don’t know what to do!

Oh lightning infused toaster pastry!

Why did I eat you?

You looked so delicious.

So I ate the entire thing.

But now out of my backside…

A damn lightning bolt will fling!

Whoa…whoa..whoa…CURE!

CURE LIGHTNING INFUSED TOASTER PASTRY TOILET DEATH!

Won’t you donate today and make this madness go away?

Whoa…whoa…whoa..CURE!

CURE LIGHTNING INFUSED TOASTER PASTRY TOILET DEATH!

Cure it today and make it safe to go to the bathroom again….

ATTORNEY DONNELLY SAYS:  This is just a parody.  Literally, none of the above mentioned celebrities participated in a telethon/music video to raise awareness for Lightning Infused Toaster Pastry Toilet Death.  None of them said any of these horrible things.

BQB:  Because they didn’t care?

ATTORNEY DONNELLY:  Because there isn’t such an affliction!

BQB:  Could of fooled me!  I’m still sitting on a prescription butt pillow!

Image courtesy of Eggib on openclipart.org.

BQB and the Meaning of Life returns this Saturday.

Tagged , , , , , , , ,
← Older posts
Newer posts →