Monthly Archives: October 2015

BQB’s Zombie Apocalypse Survivor’s Journal – Day 22 (Part 2)

The door read:

GIRLS’ LOCKER ROOM

The DiStefanos pushed us in and locked the door.

VGRF and I walked in. Blandie, Bernie, and Alien Jones were sitting around on changing benches.

“Aww, BQB,” Bernie said. “All through high school, I dreamed about living inside the girls’ locker room, but not like this, yo!”

Blandie stomped her foot and made her typical mad face.

Boo! Blandie is still the worst!

Boo! Blandie is still the worst!

“What did you do, BQB?! What did you do?!”

“Silence, blonde human,” Alien Jones said as he hopped off his bench. “BQB has done nothing wrong. Well, I mean he has done wrong in so many, many other ways. His life is a total mess but in this particular instance, he is blameless.”

“We’ve been set up,” I said. “Alien Jones, can you use your mind reading powers to detect who framed us?”

“It was Hauser,” AJ replied.

We all let out a collective gasp followed by a “WHAAAT?!”

“He’s struck a deal with Morganstern,” Alien Jones said. “The General contacted Hauser and threatened to blow up the rec center and all the survivors in it unless Hauser kills you and offers evidence of having done so.”

“So why doesn’t he just put a bullet in my head and get it over with?” I asked.

“Because you have replaced Hauser as East Randomtown’s favorite son,” Alien Jones explained. “You’ve brought a modest amount of glory to your burg by setting up a WordPress site that attracts the attention of 3.5 readers. It’s not much, but it’s more than Hauser’s done lately. His thirty-second stint on a 1980’s cop show is old news. Because you’re so loved by the citizenry, Hauser knows he can’t just shoot you. He needs to turn the public against you.”

“By making everyone believe you’re a dirty supply thief,” VGRF said.

“Precisely,”  AJ said.

“So now what?” I asked.

Alien Jones hopped back on a bench.

“We wait.”

“Are you kidding me?” I asked. “We need to bust out of here.”

“There’s no escape,” Alien Jones said. “The DiStefanos are guarding the door.”

“Vaporize their sorry asses with your powers!”

“Hauser is the only rec center resident outside this room who knows I’m an alien,” AJ explained. “Everyone else just thinks I’m a deformed human child. The Mighty Potentate would never approve of me outing myself.”

“Makes no sense,” VGRF said. “You out yourself on the Bookshelf Battle Blog all the time.”

“Only to 3.5 readers,” Alien Jones said. “And for the most part, they usually just assume BQB is pretending to be an alien and that I’m not real. The Mighty Potentate would be tried for violation of Intergalactic Space Law were it to ever come out that he’s interfering with Earthly affairs, namely by sending me to help Bookshelf Q. Battler. His Potentosity would certainly vaporize me on his way out.”

“A trial,” I said as I sat down. “So how bad could that be? We’ll just convince the jury we’re innocent.”

“It’s not that kind of trial,” Alien Jones. “Here, all issues of guilt are decided by…a trial of zombie combat!”

“Aw snap,” Bernie said. “I gots to bust some zombie ass?”

“Did you just say, ‘snap?’” Blandie asked.  “That’s so 1999!”

“OK,” I said. “We can get through this. I’d better call a zombie author for advice and…aw crap!”

Everyone looked at me.

“The space phone!” I shouted. “I left it out there!”

“No worries,” Alien Jones said. “I anticipated the evildoers’ moves and was able to smuggle it…”

“…in your pocket?” I asked.

“…inside of me,” Alien Jones said.

I shook my head.

“I don’t get it,” I said. “How? You don’t have a butt! You have no orifices to speak of!”

“I do have one.”

Alien Jones punched himself in the stomach and then started hacking up a lung. He sounded like a cat stuck on a hairball.

Hack…hack…hack…HACK!!!!

He looks like he's laughing but he's really barfing...up a space phone.

He looks like he’s laughing but he’s really barfing…up a space phone.

SPLAT!

The space phone popped out of the Esteemed Brainy One’s mouth and onto the locker room floor, covered with sticky alien spit.

“You may make your call now.”

“Um…thanks…you know…I think I’m going to pass on this interview,” I said, staring at the messy phone. “You wanna take this one for me, buddy?”

“Humans,” Alien Jones said as he picked up the device. “Such pansies. You’ll wear the same undies for a week but a little intergalactic spittle freaks you out.”

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BQB’s Zombie Apocalypse Survivor’s Journal – Day 22 – (Part 1)

The morning was off to a bad start.

George the Barber

George the Barber

George the Barber, accompanied by the DiStefano brothers, were in the office VGRF and I used as our bedroom. We were half-asleep on an old cot when they barged in, shouting and pointing their guns at us.

“Get your ass up, traitor,” George said.

“Excuse me?”

“Now!” the old man said as he slapped me across the face.

We got up and our captors marched us across the gym floor. Every survivor stopped what they were doing to observe the commotion.

“Want to tell me what this is all about?”

“NO TALKING!” Billy shouted as he mashed the butt of his rifle against my back.

“F&*K!” I cried. “Is that any way to treat your Deputy Mayor?”

“Oh, I have a hankerin’ all your rights and privileges have been revoked, boy,” George said.

The trio lead us out into the parking lot where Doug, Mario, and a few armed goons were standing around the Compensator, the SUV my friends and I had driven over from the mall.

“Bookshelf Q. Battler,” Hauser said.

“Doug, I’m not supposed to be outside, remember? Morganstern’s been itching to get me away from the rec center so he can blow me to smithereens.”

“You think I care after your betrayal?”

“What?” I asked.

Doug nodded at Mario, who in turn, opened the back door of the Compensator. It was overflowing with pilfered stuff. Food. Boxes. Cans. Packages. Much needed supplies.

“I trusted you with a position of authority and you robbed us blind!” Doug shouted.

Mayor Hauser

Mayor Hauser

I didn’t know what to say.

“That’s not…I didn’t do that!”

“A likely story,” Doug said. “The three hoodlums you came in with are already in custody. We’ll give you some time to rot and think of what you’ve done until we can organize a trial. May God have mercy on your soul, Bookshelf Q. Battler.”

Carl grabbed me and Billy grabbed VGRF. We struggled as they dragged us back to the rec center.

“Wait,” VGRF said. “BQB didn’t do this!”

“That’s noble of you to protect your beau, girly,” Doug said. “But you need to start thinking about yourself. If he forced you to help out with this, now’s the time to come clean.”

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Happy Back to the Future Day – October 21, 2015

Hello 3.5 readers.

Happy Back to the Future Day!  Yes, today is the day that Marty and Doc visited in Back to the Future Part II.

Much has been discussed about what the film got wrong and right when it comes to predictions of what life in 2015 would be like.  Suffice to say, until pizza hydrators and flying cars are invented, the world will pale in comparison to what 1980’s folk envisioned for the future.

So I won’t get into that.  Rather, let me ask you a question.

Have you ever wondered how Doc and Marty met?

I mean, seriously.  A teenage boy and a crazy haired mad scientist.  What a combo.  The first film starts and they already know each other but we’re never told how they came to meet in the first place.

So intensely puzzled was I by this conundrum that I put Jake, my very own pop culture detective of Pop Culture Mysteries fame on the case.

CHECK IT OUT HERE for the answer as to how history’s greatest time traveling duo met.

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#31ZombieAuthors – Day 21 Interview – Al K. Line – Zombie Botnets, Literally!

zombiebotnet

FIND THIS ZOMBIE AUTHOR ON:

Amazon      Website

Facebook

My guest today is Al K. Line.

3.5 readers, you might want to log off Twitter for a moment.

Al’s the author of the Zombie Botnet series. The mayhem begins when a devastating computer virus delivers subliminal data packets via social media, turning computer users the world over into murderous creatures.

A resident of rural England, when Al isn’t busy writing, he spends his time with his wife, sons, and dogs, the latter of which he notes he has too many.

Al, welcome.

NOTE: BOLD=BQB; ITALICS=AL

51wVI4sSyfL._SX295_BO1,204,203,200_ Q.  You’re the twenty-first zombie author I’ve interviewed this month and I have to admit, I honestly thought I’d of heard it all by now, but people becoming zombies via a computer virus? For the less tech savvy among us, can you explain how this works in your books?

A.  Sure. Ven, the woman behind the “bit of bother,” lets loose a computer virus designed to infect millions of devices and allow her to get up to no good. Unfortunately, it all gets a little out of hand. The virus she unleashes has been compromised and the data packets go viral. An embedded subliminal message in the form of a video basically rewires the brain of anyone that views it and then it’s game over — welcome to zombieville.

Q. How did you come up with this idea?

A. The term zombie botnet is well known within the hacker community, it’s a way of describing a huge array of devices that have been infected and can be manipulated for all manner of nefarious naughtiness. What if the zombie botnet really could do as the name implies? It came from there.

Q. Everywhere I go, people are glued to technology. Phones. Laptops. Tablets. Everyone’s checking Facebook, Twitter, or some other site and usually the latest update is something as trivial as “I just blew my nose.” Do you think we might be zombies already?

A. I love technology, use it daily, and my career relies on it, but yeah, it can get out of hand. It’s the change it has caused to society that I find most interesting, making people slaves to the latest trend or social media platform — let’s face it, if we lose our internet connection for a few minutes we begin to panic, right? This is what the series plays on: our inability to look away. The first thing we do when we hear of a disaster is to check Twitter or Facebook, well, what if those platforms are the very ones causing the problem? People would still look, they can’t help it. It’s too ingrained into the fabric of our techno-reality now to ever go back.

Q. I notice this series is actually considered half-horror/half-comedy. I have to say, the idea of society being hoisted on its own technological petard seems rife with the ability to provide social commentary, not to mention a joke or two.  Personally, I’m so addicted to social media that if all I have to do not to become a zombie is not check Twitter, I’m not sure I could do it. How are you able to combine humor with horror, when the two normally don’t mix well?

A. You gotta see the funny side, right? It’s the whole premise. Yes, there is social commentary, but it isn’t judgmental. We all have our obsessions, our hangups and our needs, and the absurdity of how the infection is caused screams for a bit of a laugh at our own expense. Plus, to be honest I can’t help myself. Characters suddenly appear on the page (I mean computer screen really) and they often happen to be rather comical — there’s no stopping it once the words somehow jump from my brain to the developing book.

Q. Al, your book features people being turned into zombies via subliminal messages. Just now, a real live zombie actually just jumped out of my computer screen. Have you ever heard of such a thing happening in zombie lore and any ideas on how to defeat such a menace?

A. Oh, loads, it happens all the time. The best thing to do is to scream really loud and run really fast — only pausing to update Facebook and check if anyone has posted anything on Twitter that could help in 140 characters or less.

Q. Thanks for the interview, Al. Before I go, do you have any last minute advice that might help my friends and I survive the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse?

A. Nope. You’re going be dead any moment. Actually, should I even be answering this? Hello? I knew it, dead already, brains all over the floor. There’s probably some zombie granny chewing on your intestines at this very moment. Oh, don’t forget to follow me on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/authoralkline

Yeah, I get the irony.

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BQB’s Zombie Apocalypse Survivor’s Journal – Day 21

Another morning in the computer lab.

Coming Soon - Johnny Gunhands: A Farewell to Hands (hands to be edited out in post-production)

Coming Soon – Johnny Gunhands: A Farewell to Hands (hands to be edited out in post-production)

I paced the floor and slurped on stale coffee while Alien Jones typed the words as they flowed from my cake hole.

“Johnny Gunhands. He’s muscular, rugged, virile, and in his late twenties.”

“ERRRNT! Wrong!” the Esteemed Brainy One replied.

“Wrong?”

“Wrong! How could someone become such a skilled master at taking down criminals without a bit of life experience behind him?”  Alien Jones asked. “Personally, I picture Johnny Gunhands pushing forty.”

“Aww but then the young people won’t read it,” I said. “Everyone under thirty-five is convinced that everyone over thirty five is a bunch of corrupt old farts who’ve sold their souls to the man!”

“What does everyone over thirty-five think about everyone under thirty-five?” AJ asked.

“That all they do is snapchat and take selfies all day.”

“Are these assessments accurate?”

“Surprisingly so on both counts,” I said.

I took another sip of my java. Bleh. It was rank, but my only source of caffeine. It would have to do.

“Fine,” I said. “We’ll compromise. Johnny Gunhands is thirty-two. Old enough to get some respect from gray haired readers. Young enough that the selfie stick crowd won’t think he’s Methuselah. Can I go on?”

“Please.”

“So in the opening scene, we see a butcher’s knife. A random mobster holds it up in the air and a ray of moonlight glistens off of it. It comes down with a WHACK and then the mobster says, ‘That’s what you get for arresting the boss, see?’”

“SHIT!” Alien Jones cried.

“Oh like you could do any better.”

“No,” AJ said as he nursed his hand. “The mouse. It got white hot and…”

Sparks flew out of the monitor. To our amazement, a foot came out of the screen, then another one, then a torso, arms, and a head.

“What the F%$K is that?” I yelled.

“It’s an e-zombie!” AJ replied.

The monster let loose with a terrifying growl and then lunged at me.

I did what any man trained in martial arts could do.

I performed a round house kick to the beast’s head, knocking it clean off.

It rolled to the floor but it was still alive. It grunted and it’s eyes moved around.

I stepped on it, pressing my foot down until I felt the skull crack under my shoe, the damned creature’s brains going kerplooey.

“I’ve heard about a computer virus but this is ridiculous!” I said. “Who knew that e-zombies were even a thing?”

Alien Jones handed me the space phone.

“There’s an author who knows all there is to know about this.”

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BQB on the Star Wars: The Force Awakens Trailer (The Final Trailer)

Hey 3.5 readers.

Bookshelf Q. Battler here, still riding out the zombie apocalypse, but luckily I have Alien Jones’ space phone to stream stuff on, like the latest Star Wars: The Force Awakens Trailer:

My thoughts, in no particular order (and feel free to correct me if I’m wrong because many of these are predictions i.e. me just spitballing:

  1. So we have two new heroes, a young male and a young female lead.  The girl I believe is some kind of junk scavenger and I’m guessing the structure she is searching through is that big crashed Star Destroyer from the previous trailer.  I’m assuming it is, in fact, the Star Destroyer where Luke had his final battle with the Emperor in Return of the Jedi.  Could be wrong but I thought I read somewhere that the girl find’s Luke’s lightsaber or something.  (Again, I’m just throwing stuff out there, I really have no idea.)  Meanwhile, the male lead is a stormtrooper and apparently something happens that makes him renounce his stormtroopery ways.
  2. We see/hear the female lead ask Han if the stories are true and he explains that yes, they are.  Therefore, apparently much time has passed, the tales from the older films have become less real and more like legends to the people of the Star Wars universe, and assumably, Han, Luke, and Leia as old-timers will guide a new generation of heroes in taking on a new threat.
  3. That threat comes in the form of some bad masked dude who’s checking out Darth Vader’s crushed mask, pledging to finish what Vader started.  Didn’t he get the memo that Vader recanted his evil ways while he was dying and finally ended up being a nice ghost who chilled with Ghost Obi Wan and Ghost Yoda at the end of Return of the Jedi?
  4. We see Leia – she looks sad, she appears to be hugging Han.  I don’t know why she’s sad.  Presumably because evil deeds or transpiring, or maybe she missed Han.  Han said “Chewie, we’re home” in the other trailer, so assumably Han and Chewie went somewhere for a long time.  Here’s hoping there will be some joke where Leia calls Han a scruffy nerf herder or something.
  5. I’m sad to hear about all the “Boycott Star Wars” nonsense, i.e. claims that the movie is “anti-white” but on the other hand, if you check out the hashtag, it’s mostly people complaining that the hashtag was ever created.  Food for thought – I get people are mad and want to vent but sometimes where the Internet is concerned, ignoring a dumb idea makes it go away faster whereas talking about it helps it gain steam, which, yeah, why am I talking about it then?
  6. Ticket sales are breaking records as well as websites.  People buying pre-sale tickets for a movie that’s 2 months away.  I’ve never really cared about a movie before enough to buy tickets in advance but I might just for this one.
  7. So we see Han, and Leia, where’s Luke? We only see his hand in the first trailer.  I mean, Mark Hammil hasn’t had it easy when it comes to aging (but then again who does?)  He was in a car wreck when he was younger and he wasn’t the best looking dude starting out (Kids there was once a time when Hollywood allowed people who didn’t look completely like Gods and Goddesses to be the leads in films, I know, amazing!) so I wonder if that’s it – but he was in the The Kingsman earlier this year and he looked fine.  I hope they’re not going to do some Hollywood thing and cover him up with a cloak or something for half the film.   I dunno.  That’s all pure speculation.

OK.  My two cents over.  Again, don’t quote me because I’m just talking out of my butt.  I look forward to seeing this movie.  What do you nerds think?

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#31ZombieAuthors – Day 20 Interview – Rachel Higginson – Zombified Romance

rh

FIND THIS ZOMBIE AUTHOR ON:

  Amazon           Website

 Facebook         Twitter

Today’s guest is Rachel Higginson, author of the zombie apocalypse romance series, Love and Decay.  Currently in Season Three, it’s the story of Reagan, whose dreams of a happily ever after go up in smoke when she’s forced to run her zombified high school sweetheart over with her mother’s car to keep herself from becoming zombie chow.

Born and raised in Nebraska, Rachel spent her college years traveling the world, the highlights of said journey including Eastern Europe, Paris, Indian Food and the beautiful beaches of Sri Lanka.

She came home to marry her own high school sweetheart, who luckily, has yet to become zombified.  When she’s not writing, she’s either raising her four children or reading.

BQB: Rachel, thanks for taking my call.

RACHEL: Thank you! I’m so excited to chat.

NOTE:  BOLD=BQB; ITALICS=RACHEL

Q.   Love and Decay is serialized in a television-esque style.  Season Three came out in May of this year and you expect Season Four in December.  As you describe on your website, during a season, each episode comes out in the form of a novella of around 20,000 words.  When all of the novellas are out, you put them together in a seasonal omnibus.

Thanks to streaming media and the ability to watch whatever you want, whenever you want, television has drastically improved in recent years.  What inspired you to serialize your work and is there any benefit to doing so as opposed to releasing the entire season in one novel up front?

A.  It was my husband’s idea actually. He thought it would be a great way to get more content to my readers faster. 20,000 words seemed easy to him. While it’s not actually easy, it is so much fun. And the 20k setup forces me to write in a different way than I would a full length novel. These episodes are intense and action packed. The plot-building is stripped down to bare bones to allow everything that needs to happen happen in a four chapter novella. If I were to write the same story in a 100k novel, I would write it completely different. It would be the slow build to the climactic moment. And while a zombie apocalypse book can be nothing but action-packed and exciting, the build-up would still be stretched out over time and chapters. The novellas give me permission to pack a punch with each episode. The story arc is still there, but it’s less of a consistent rise. It’s more like taking a roller coaster up the side of a mountain- you’re always going up, but it’s the most exciting way to get to the top.
 
Q.  I have to admit the idea sounds interesting.  We’re all so busy these days that the idea of sitting down to read an entire novel can be daunting for me, whereas the idea of perusing 20,000 words every two weeks seems doable.  What do your readers think of this approach?

A. They love it. They also hate it! They love it because they get to stay engaged with a fictional world they adore for six entire months. I finish a novel in a few days, a week at most. And then I fall into book depression because I have to leave that story behind. With the novella setup, my readers don’t have to leave the Love and Decay World. They get to stay involved for six entire months. And with how the episodes are set up, each read is exciting, each novella propels the plot forward. There isn’t time for slow, calm, world-building chapters. Each novella has to be an adrenaline-pumping ride through the zombie apocalypse. They hate it though because they really are short reads. Some of my readers can finish them in an hour. And then they’re forced to wait for two weeks to find out what happens next. They don’t like that part- and I really don’t blame them. But I secretly think they love the anticipation. That’s half the fun! 

Q.  Reagan falls for one of the Parkers, the brothers who come to her aid.  Love is hard to find even when the world is running smoothly and the damned aren’t trying to crack open your skull just to feast on the sweet, juicy innards.  For  cynics like me, is there any way you convince us that love in the time of a zombie apocalypse is possible?

A. Oh for sure! I think it’s human nature. We’re not meant to be alone, live alone. Even at the end of the world. The greatest goal of humankind is to be known and understood. And there is no greater way to know and understand a person than by loving them. I would think even more so in a zombie apocalypse where fear and uncertainty rule the day. Sure, there’s also a lot of killing and running for their lives, but love happens in all those in between places. Even if it’s not convenient, it’s something we can’t stop. We are designed to love. But then again, I’m a romantic. 

Q.  The undead aren’t the only ones after Reagan.  Not to give too much away, but threats come in the form of a stalker and bounty hunters, just to give some examples.  What is it about a zombie apocalypse that brings out the worst in people?  Can anyone be trusted when zombies are afoot?

A. In my vision of the zombie apocalypse, men and women are ruled by fear. Sometimes that manifests in helping others survive and sometimes that manifests in grappling for control in any way that you can. In our world today, there are bad and good people. I think circumstances in a zombie outbreak would only amplify those roles. Without standards or authority, bad people are free to do as they please, free to find control anyway that they can. If they can control a situation, there is nothing to fear. That makes it nearly impossible to trust people. You can’t predict how another person will react to their fear or living with fear on a daily basis. But I can’t believe everyone would turn to their darker instincts. There will always be good people in the world or maybe just people who cope better. Trust can happen, but slowly. Or very quickly, depending on the life-threatening situation you find yourself in. 🙂 

Q.  Thanks for taking the time to speak with me today.  Before I go, do you have any last minute advice that might help my friends and I survive the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse?

A. Stick together and get creative! You’re going to need a lot of weapons, so you might have to be flexible with the definition of “weapon.” But whatever you end up using, make sure that sucker is dead before you turn around. 

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BQB’s Zombie Apocalypse Journal – Day 20

10:00 a.m.

Delilah K. Donnelly, BQB's Attorney

Delilah K. Donnelly, BQB’s Attorney

For the first time in twenty days, I felt comfortable enough to sleep in.  VGRF was snuggled in close to me, her mouth wide open as she snored and blew a strand of her red hair up and down with each exhale and inhale.

There was someone I needed to check in with.  I was way overdue.

I punched a number into the space phone and a few moments later, I found myself staring at a video feed of a blonde woman. She was all class and elegance.  Her hair was such that it looked like she visited a salon daily.  Her dress was one of the finest that the Beverly Hills boutiques had to offer.

She spoke with style and grace with an undertone of Old Hollywood glamour.

“Mr. Battler?”

“Hello Ms. Donnelly.”

It was my attorney, Delilah K. Donnelly, Official Lead Counsel for the Bookshelf Battle Blog and my chief advisor on all legal matters.

“Are you quite alright?”  Delilah asked.  “I must say I haven’t heard from you in quite some time and after viewing the news reports regarding the tragedy in your hometown, I’ve grown dreadfully concerned.”

“I’m good for now,”  I said.  “But listen, I need your help.”

“Of course.”

“I’m being targeted by a crooked general, one Thomas Morganstern,”  I explained.  “He’s none too pleased that Jake spilled the beans about Operation Fuhrerpunschen and intends to use the zombie apocalypse as a cover to blow me up, thus shutting the Bookshelf Battle Blog down for good.”

“Good heavens,”  Delilah said.  “The 3.5 readers would be lost without you, sir.  What ever shall we do?”

“Tell Jake he needs to write down a rough draft of everything he can remember about the mission he went on to punch Adolf Hitler in the face,”  I said.  “Then get it to a secure location.  Let Morganstern know that if anything ever happens to me, no, to any of us, that the manuscript will be self-published.”

“Shall we price it at ninety-nine cents on Amazon?”  Delilah asked.

“Jesus Christ, Delilah,”  I said.  “What am I, a teenage girl hocking her love poems?  We’re talking about the scoop on a top secret government operation to punch history’s greatest monster in the face.  Surely we can get at least 2.99 for it.”

“Of course.  I shall recruit Detective Hatcher’s assistance immediately,”  Delilah said.  “I must say it won’t be easy, Mr. Battler.  He remains invariably displeased that you continue to withhold the secret of his sixty year nap from him.”

“You sound like you have something to say,”  I said.

Delilah lit up one of her long filtered cigarettes and took a puff.  I could tell she was stalling.

“Do you think its fair?”  she asked.

“That I string Jake along like a circus monkey, making him dance for the info he wants to know?”  I asked. “No, not at all.”

“He views you as some type of absurd villain,”  Delilah said.  “Toying with him just to drive your site’s readership higher than 3.5.”

“Then let him think that,”  I said.  “I don’t know what else to do.”

Delilah flicked some ash into a ceramic tray on her desk.

“Tell him the truth?”

“What?”  I asked.  “That a maniacal alien despot is threatening to conquer Earth unless my writing career takes off and that running a website featuring regular posts from a hard boiled noir style detective full of stories of his exploits might just be the one thing that puts me over the top?”

“I suppose it does sound foolish when you put it that way.”

“You’ve got a bigger heart than you’re given credit for Delilah,”  I said.  “But you know for the Pop Culture Mysteries posts to work, we need to insulate Jake from aliens, the Yeti, Dr. Hugo, really all the ridiculous nonsense that happens in the Bookshelf Battle world.”

“Very well, Mr. Battler,”  Delilah said.  “I must say I fear that Detective Hatcher may be in for quite a letdown when he discovers how he ended up here.”

VGRF stirred, stretched and yawned.

“Did you feel letdown when I told you how you ended up here?”  I asked.

Delilah’s large eyes looked down.

“At first, yes.  And for quite some time thereafter.”

“And now?”  I asked.

She looked up.

“I feel eternally grateful for the gift you’ve given me.”

“Jake will eventually share that feeling.”

Delilah scoffed.

“I doubt that indubitably.  Detective Hatcher is hardly as open minded as I am.”

“Hi Delilah,”  VGRF said.

“Good morning, Ms. Fighter,”  my attorney said.  “Did you sleep well?”

“I did.”

“I’m ever so glad to hear it,”  Delilah said.  “Will there be anything else, Mr. Battler?”

“Yes,”  I replied.  “Halloween is coming.  Can you see if Jake will find out why the hero in a horror movie just clubs the bad guy one time and assumes victory, only to find that the baddie has just discovered his second wind and is ready to fight again?  I’ll send you the details.  Tell Jake there’s a cool fiver in it for him.”

“Ever the big spender,”  Delilah said.  “I’ll deliver your requests to Detective Hatcher right away.  Good day Mr. Battler.  Ms. Fighter.”

“Good day,”  I replied.

I hanged up the phone.

“You’re lucky to have her,”  VGRF said.

“The top lawyer in Hollywood representing a guy with a blog that caters to a mere 3.5 readers?”  I asked. “Uh…yeah, I think so.”

“She’s very loyal,”  VGRF said.

“True,”  I said.  “And if there’s one quality you can’t get enough of in the zombie apocalypse, it’s loyalty.”

I dialed another number on the space phone.

“That reminds me.  Time to call another zombie author.”

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#31ZombieAuthors – Day 19 Interview – Eric A. Shelman – It’s Never Too Late

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Today’s guest is Eric A. Shelman, author of the Dead Hunger series.  Readers can follow the journey of Flex, his niece Trina, Gem, Hemp and Charlie as they make their way through a zombie infested world.

Eric’s first book was a non-fiction work.  Co-authored with Dr. Stephen Lazoritz, Out of the Darkness: The Story of Mary Ellen Wilson tells the story of the first successful rescue of an abused child in America.  Specifically, nine-year old Mary Ellen was saved from a terrible situation in 1874 by the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, or ASPCA.  The case shined a much needed light on the dangers children face and was the precursor to many of the child abuse prevention laws in place today.

Thanks for helping me out today, Eric.

NOTE: BOLD=BQB; ITALICS=ERIC

Q.  Zombies.  They shuffle along.  They groan and grunt.  They eat brains.  You’d think authors would have run out of ways to make them unique and original by now but sure enough, writers are always coming up with new spins on the zombie genre.  How do they do it and what’s your secret?

A.  Zombies can absolutely be shufflers and shamblers and have some new features, too.  My Dead Hunger series has several interesting aspects to it; the very process that reanimated them also incorporated other chemical reactions within the zombies, which I suppose is to be expected.   These reactions became abilities.   This is even more true in my females who were pregnant when they turned.   What in nature is created – no matter how it’s created – without any offensive or defensive skills?   The lowly cow is even designed with its eyes on the sides of its head so that it has better peripheral vision to assist it in escaping predators before it’s too late.   Birds have talons, sharp beaks and great eyesight.   Most creatures are equipped for the task at hand.    Why not zombies, too?

Q.  My first observation about Dead Hunger is the collection of characters.  People from different backgrounds working together for survival.  There’s scientist/mechanical engineer Hemp, punk rocker Charlie, Flex the electrician and Gem the artist.  What is it about a zombie apocalypse that brings people together?  Would these folks have likely bothered with one another without a common threat facing them?

A.  I believe in any apocalyptic situation, you’re going to encounter compatibles and non-compatibles.   The latter you’ll just say hi and bye to, but the former you’ll try to get to come along.  Sometimes the latter want to kill you and take your stuff!   That’s when you’re forced to take them out.   But with regard to Flex and Gem, of course they’d have been together … eventually.  They were once together, after all.   No, they would likely have never met the likes of Hemp and Charlie, and Hemp and Charlie would never have encountered one another, but that’s the beauty of a disaster, right?   Giving strange bedfellows a chance to actually become “familiar bedfellows.”    AND to find out that the other isn’t so strange after all.

Q.  Hemp experiments on zombies in a mobile lab to figure out what makes them tick.  While I don’t mean to ask for spoilers, do you have any general thoughts on zombie physiology?  Are there any prevailing theories on what could, hypothetically speaking, cause a human to become zombified?

A.  In Dead Hunger, each individual cell within the zombie’s body is converted into a meat-seeking entity.  If you were to take a lil’ microscopic chunk of raw beef and insert it into the epidermis of a zombie, all the neighboring cells would zip right in and devour it.   Because the eyes still work, and the senses that ramp up hunger, the muscles coordinate and move in the direction of sustenance.   Yeah, that would be us … human meat.   So … my zombies reanimate on a cellular level – whatever the hell that even means.

Q.  On your author page, you mention that in 1999, after writing a 53,000 word book about witches and reincarnation, you couldn’t figure out how to finish it and ended up on a twelve year writing hiatus only to be inspired by reading about the success of other zombie authors on Facebook.  It’s never to late to pick up a delayed dream, is it?  For anyone who’s set a goal aside for awhile, what advice would you have to motivate him/her to pick it up, dust it off and give it another try?

A.  I was a fool to have quit writing for so long.   Imagine all the fiction I could’ve produced in that decade?  I mean, I’ve got 15 books now, and 11 of them were written just since 2011.  Just FOUR years!  So yes – it’s never too late to start pursuing your dream of becoming whatever it is you want to become.   It’s important to remember though, that in my early writing career, I sent out queries and did all the things you’re supposed to do.  I never really had any success back then.  All that rejection helped me hone and polish my skills, though, and I believe every writer has to do the work and experience that negative feedback in order to figure out where improvement is needed.   As for me, I guess maybe I needed that additional dozen years for things to become easier for individuals, through programs and offerings such as CreateSpace, Kindle  and ACX for audiobook production.   They made it possible for me to kick the old guard to the curb and hatch my own creations.    Some of what we indies put out are hits – others misses.   I hope my readers feel I’ve given them more hits than otherwise. 

Q.  You’ve also written non-fiction with the case of Mary Ellen Wilson.  What drew you into writing about this case?

A.  Back in the mid-nineties, I was ready to write a novel.   I was a big fan of horror, and had written several short horror stories, but found that the market for publication of these stories seemed to be shrinking.   The logical next step was to go all out and finally just write a book.   I discovered a book of what were deemed “amazing-but-true” stories, and thought I would take one of those “true” stories and use it as the basis for a horror novel.   Within the book, I discovered the story of a little nine-year-old girl named Mary Ellen, who, in 1874, was rescued from her abusive home by the American Society for the Cruelty to Animals.   (ASPCA)  I immediately became interested, as it was essentially the story of the beginning of the child protection movement, but nobody had ever written about her before.

After researching her case, I began the book.   With more research, I found the man who would eventually become my co-author, Dr. Stephen Lazoritz.  He was a pediatrician who specialized in child abuse cases.  Together, we made connections that allowed us to be the ONLY people in America to secure a copy of the court transcripts for the trial that prosecuted Mary Ellen’s foster mother, Mary Connolly.   These transcripts also allowed us to complete the book, with all of the newfound knowledge the transcripts contained.   The book was released in 1999, and since that time, thousands have been sold and both Stephen and I have spoken at national conferences and on CSPAN-2’s Book TV.  (1999)

Q.  For those interested in writing non-fiction, do you have any tips to share?

A.  Find a compelling story that nobody’s written enough about – then write about it!  Figure out how you want to impart the information, and have a LOT of people read it before you publish it.

Q.  Eric, thanks for offering your expertise in light of my zombie infestation.  Before I go, do you have any list minute words of wisdom that might help my friends and I survive the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse?

Get a good group of loyal people around you and get to a remote location where you don’t have far to go for food and water supplies.  Develop defenses – spiked pits, anything that can get between you and them.   Set up makeshift alarms in the woods – use cowbells.    Zombies run into shit.  So that’s pretty much it!    Oh, yeah … try to figure out what caused it, because that might help you figure out how it can be stopped, at least on an individual basis.

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Bookshelf Q. Battledog’s Zombie Apocalypse Survivor’s Journal – Day 19

MEANWHILE AT BOOKSHELF BATTLE HEADQUARTERS…

Bookshelf Q. Battledog, Head of Security for BQB HQ

Bookshelf Q. Battledog, Head of Security for BQB HQ

Woof.  Woof woof.  Woof.

TRANSLATION: Should I live to be a thousand years old I shall never and hopefully will never experience another happenstance as horrid as the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse.  The dead arising from the grave, evil beasts in the form of once trusted humans now engaging in that most repulsive activities, namely, the most brutal consumption of human brains.  Oh ye wicked cannibals, may you never know the wickedness of your heinous deeds lest ye weep until the end of time and forever more upon the grim realization of the atrocities you have committed as the result of your zombified condition most foul.

Woof woof.  Woof woof.  Woof!  Woof?  Woof woof woof woof woof.

TRANSLATION: Truly, an unenviable task is my charge, that of course being the safety and security of the Bookshelf Battle Headquarters, the menacing structure which houses a) BQB’s blogging operations b) his action figure collection and c) most importantly, his magic bookshelf.  The latter item provides the most difficult challenge, as surely there are many unscrupulous individuals in the world who yearn to get their unclean hands on a bookshelf that contains great power.  ‘Tis a burden I would not wish on my greatest enemy, a lowly cat, let alone myself.

WOOF!

TRANSLATION:  Outside, hideous zombies claw at the walls, trying to gain entry into BQB HQ.  As a layperson or rather, a laydog, I am uncertain of the science of it all.  If a zombie should bite me, will I become a zombie dog?  If a zombie bites Video Game Rack Fighter Cat, will he become a zombie cat?  If a zombie bites another zombie, does that zombie become a zombie zombie?  Fi, oh mine miserable mind, thou surely produceth questions of the utmost import and yet they go unanswered.  Despair, thy name is Bookshelf Q. Battledog and yet I must retain my composure and project forth a demeanor of intrepid fortitude for if those who call BQB HQ home learn that even their noble Head of Security is in doubt, then morale shall suffer greatly and all shall be lost.

Nay zombies, move on I say, move on!  For as the great Winston Churchill said, “We shall fight them on the beaches, we shall fight them in the air, we shall fight them in the streets, we shall never give up, we shall never surrender!” and while those wise words were made in relation to the Nazi scourge I for one argue that they are equally germane to the zombie menace lurking outside these fortified walls.

Woof.

TRANSLATION:  And thus, I must bring this post to an end, for parting is such sweet sorrow.  Bookshelf Q. Battler fear not, for thy HQ is in good paws – paws of a canine who pledge to do all within his power to protect your compound and especially your magic bookshelf from the zombified masses.  

Godspeed, good sir, for it is now time for you to contact another zombie author.

Woof woof.

TRANSLATION: P.S. I pooped on your bed.

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