Hi 3.5 Readers.
Tough times we’re living in aren’t we?
The Freedom Loving Western World is under attack. Gay people can’t go to clubs without being shot at by terrorists. Kids can’t go to Disney World without being eaten by alligators.
I swear if I wake up tomorrow and learn that someone kicked the Easter Bunny in the balls or stole a leprechaun’s pot of gold and didn’t even leave him enough to rent an Uber to get home, I’m just going to stay in bed and eat cookies and pie all weekend in a hopeless state of sadness.
Lots of shit going on. Lots of shit.
You know kids, when I was a young lad opinions were expressed in a much different manner.
Usually, learned men and women, knowledgable experts on particular topics, would appear on talk shows, debate one another, listen to what each other had to say and agree to disagree.
Sure, they were at times mean about it. Pettiness isn’t new to politics. It’s been around.
But by and large you go the impression that some of these TV pundits probably got together afterwards for tacos or whatever.
Times, they are a-changing.
Thanks to the wondrous Internet, everyone has an opinion, and everyone can express it despite a lack of qualifications or credentials or what have you.
And if your Facebook feed is anything like mine lately, its burning up with a lot of tomfoolery.
Remember, this blog isn’t political, because I have often said, I want all people of all different views to buy the book I have not yet finished and make me rich.
Really, the important part is where I get rich.
At any rate, nothing in this post is directed at anyone or side in particular, but in general, no matter what side of the debate you are on, here are some things to keep in mind in order to keep it civil.
#1 – Unless the person who posted a comment that offended you holds some type of public office or an otherwise influential position, their post is unlikely to have much impact on the issue, so you need not view it as a virtual grenade to throw yourself on at all costs.
POSTER: “I think that…”
YOU: Lies! The study of So and So University, completed in 2010 by Professor So and So on yadda yadda yadda….
Seriously, just stop being that shit head who spends 19 hours writing a reply to your Cousin Fred that you see once a year on Thanksgiving. Fred is a Goddamn part-time night janitor at the Arby’s off highway exit 7.
World leaders are not going to read Cousin Fred’s post and be like, “Holy shit! We never thought about it THAT way! Thanks Fred! You the man! We’re going to get on that right now!”
Just let Fred have his opinion and move on. Keep in mind, Cousin Fred has probably held his tongue many times and moved on after reading some of the mindless bullshit you post.
#2 – If this person is one of your Facebook friends, chances are he/she is important to you in some capacity. Treat them as such.
We’ll just keep picking on Cousin Fred…
COUSIN FRED: “I believe that the treaty of such and such calls for…”
YOU (RIGHT WAY): Either – I respect your opinion Fred or I disagree Fred or just don’t respond.
YOU (WRONG WAY): F&*K you! Someone disagreed with me and now my life is over! I must retreat into my safe space over this micro-agressien! You have ruined my life! Stick your head in the toilet and flush it a thousand times on your hideous face you atrocious, godawful man!!!
Oh and see you at Thanksgiving.
#3 – Stop comparing people to Hitler. Seriously. I don’t care what your ideology is. No one is worse than Hitler. That’s why he was Hitler.
Because I highly doubt that you are Facebook friends with someone who also invaded Poland, then tore ass through the rest of Europe, left England as the last man standing in what appeared to be the impending death of European democracy, then also put millions of Jewish people into camps and starved them and enslaved them and gassed them and killed them and so on, then stop calling them Hitler.
In my opinion, it’s offensive to people who were actual victims of Hitler, from the people who were rounded up and killed due to his orders, to the soldiers who had to put their lives on hold and fight his army and even died in the process.
COUSIN FRED: “Obviously, the right thing to do in this situation is to….”
“SHOULD YOU TELL COUSIN FRED THAT HE IS WORSE THAN HITLER?” – A RUBRIC
QUESTION TO ASK YOURSELF – Did Cousin Fred scheme and connive his way into the position of German Chancellor in the 1930’s and then proceed to delve humanity deep into its darkest hour?
IF YES – Then feel free to tell Cousin Fred is worse than Hitler.
IF NO – Then don’t be a dick and don’t tell your Cousin that he’s worse than Hitler. He’s the son of your Mom or Dad’s sibling for f%&k’s sake.
You might need him to donate a kidney or give you a ride or help you move a couch one day only to find yourself stuck on the side of the road with only one lousy kidney and a couch too big to move by yourself all because you couldn’t help yourself from referring to your beloved family member as Hitler.
#4 – Stipulate to reasonable, agreed upon facts. Don’t ask for proof of everything and especially if you know a fact is true. Don’t ask for proof anyway just to be a dick.
COUSIN FRED: “The sky is blue….
YOU: Post a link to an article that provides categorical proof that the sky is blue. Do it. Do it now. You’re taking too long. You can’t find one, can you? Ha! F%*king liar the sky is NOT BLUE AND IT NEVER WAS!
COUSIN FRED: “…and the grass is green…”
YOU: Is it though? Is it really? Have you ever considered that what you see as green and what I see as green might be two completely different colors? Maybe when I see something and think it is green and when you see it and you think it is green but if I could see what you are seeing through my eyes it would appear pink to me and if you could see it through my eyes it would appear purple to you?
COUSIN FRED: “…and the other day Congress passed a bill that…”
YOU: I’m going to need more information on this institution you refer to as “Congress.” Please post a link to some information on what Congress is and how it works. You’re not a scholar of Congressional history, are you? I find it difficult to believe that you hold the necessary qualifications to prove to me that Congress actually exists and that it isn’t some existential hullabaloo that you invented in your mind.
NOTE: Seriously dude. He’s your f%$king cousin. Stop filibustering and/or asking him to post proof of stuff you’re both fully aware of and stop treating the whole discussion like it’s an under the hot lights interrogation. You’re just two asshats on Facebook and in the grand scheme of things, nothing that either of you say ever matters.
#5 – Don’t get personal.
COUSIN FRED: “Senator So and So appeared so stupid when he…
YOU (Right way): I disagree. I think Senator So and So made a good argument.
YOU (Wrong way): He didn’t look anymore stupid than you did when your wife cheated on you with her yoga instructor and she gave you the bill for her yoga instruction so technically you were paying a dude to come into your house while you were at work and bang your wife you giant dumbass.
I mean, yeah, I guess you won the argument…but was it worth it? Cousin Fred will most likely never speak to you again.
Cousin Fred is a human being. He has thoughts and feelings. Let him express them without throwing the yoga instructor he inadvertently paid to bang his wife in his face.
Those are the top five I can think of. All in all, these are trying times and we all want to get what we are thinking off our chest but, you know…if these people are your friends and/or family, you might want to try to do it in a way in which they want to stick around because let’s be honest, you’re no picnic either.
(That’s directed at other people. You’re all picnics in my book, 3.5 readers.)