World Renowned Motivational Speaker, Anti-Suck Book Author and Bookshelf Battle Blog Columnist, Vinny Baggadouchio
I’m Vinny Baggadouchio and I’m an anti-suck robot sent from the future to teach you present day suckers how to not suck anymore.
Perhaps you’ve read one of my fine anti-suck books:
Six Sigma Certified Non-Sucking
Raise Your Hand if You Don’t Want to Suck
Hug it Out, Suck it Out
De-Suck Your Way to Greatness
The Good, the Bad and the Sucky
Get this Suck Out of My Life (and Into My Car)
The Art of the Non-Sucking Deal
A Million Little Suck Pieces
Sucks to Be You
Suck No More
Suck or Suck-cess?
3.5 readers, today’s question comes from Larissa Smatchencraft from East Buttfork, Wisconsin:
I am a huge fan of your anti-suck books. I have attended all of your seminars and worked through all of your anti-suck lessons. I want you to know you have helped me to stop sucking at my job, my marriage and in so many other aspects of my daily life.
I have a question though. Is it ok to suck at certain things? For example, the other day I was walking down the street and I found a wallet just lying there on the sidewalk. It contained a hundred dollars in cash, but the idea to take it for myself never even crossed my mind. Instead, I used the ID inside to track down the wallet’s rightful owner. He was pleased as this was the only money he had and he needed it to purchase his prescription strength anti-anal wart flare up cream.
As I walked home, I was pleased with myself for having done a good deed. Then it dawned on me: “I suck at dishonesty.”
You’ve always taught me that I should not suck in all things and yet, it seems like dishonesty is something I should suck at.
The question blows my mind but I’ll go ahead and ask it anyway…is it possible that not sucking at certain bad behaviors is a good thing?
Congratulations, Larissa. The student has finally become the master.
Make no mistake about it: the general rule is that it sucks to suck. It sucks so much to suck that I have dedicated my life to helping suckers all over the globe in their efforts to suck the suck right out of their sucky suck bag lives.
Most of the time, my clients come to me in extremely dire, sucky straights. They are lonely, poor, addicted to a variety of unsavory behaviors and more often than not, huffing anything from soiled ladies’ undergarments to model airplane glue. I actually had a client who would dip the ladies’ undergarments into the model airplane glue, but that’s a terrible tale for another day.
The point is that I usually try not to bog down the sucky minds of big fat suckers with confusing concepts. When you suck so much that you can’t even tie your shoes without sucking it up, you can’t handle the more complex lessons found in my advanced courses of anti-suck studies.
What I am about to tell you is such a giant piece of vital, crucial information that frankly, I should charge you for it. But I won’t. Because I don’t suck. And I don’t want you to suck so you must have this knowledge.
Here we go:
Sometimes it is good to suck at something.
I know. Sounds like blasphemy, right?
But follow me on this.
THINGS YOU SHOULD NOT SUCK AT:
- Your job.
- Your marriage.
- Maintaining your health.
- Raising your children.
- Financial stability.
Makes sense right? There are so many good things in this life that you should not suck at.
Then again, and here’s where we swallow the red pill and follow Alice down the rabbit hole so hang on, there are many things that you SHOULD totally suck at if you want to be a decent, well-adjusted, happy and productive non-sucking citizen:
THINGS YOU SHOULD TOTALLY SUCK AT:
- Selling Your Spouse to a Sex Slavery Ring Run by Foreign Businessmen/Perverts
- Selling Your Body to Pay Off Your Gambling Debts
- …and so much more!
Think about that time when you found the wallet, Larissa. You’ve followed my anti-suck lessons and turned your life from sucking to non-sucking. You didn’t want to suck it up by doing something that sucks, like stealing money from a stranger who needs it for his anti-anal wart flare up medication.
You were confused, so listened to your gut – a gut you have trained through my many, many anti-suck lessons. Though, in theory, you have learned that in most cases, you should NOT suck at something, you realized in this case, it would, indeed, suck to be good at something…dishonesty!
In my advanced courses, the ones I reserve for only the creme de la creme of folks who have utterly mastered all of my anti-suck lessons, I teach about “The Power of Positive Sucking.”
Sometimes referred to alternatively as, “Next Level Sucking,” this skill essentially means that you are able to figure out when you MUST suck at something in order to not suck at something.
I know. You feel like getting out a flow chart and a slide rule, but trust me, the more you dabble in the world of the non-sucker, the easier this all becomes.
Sure, you could have not sucked at dishonesty. You could have kept the cash, thereby sucking as a human being. If anyone asked you where you got the money, you could have not sucked at lying and told them it’s yours, that you withdrew it from your bank account or what have you.
You would have not sucked at lying but by not sucking at lying you actually end up sucking at not sucking. Only filthy degenerate suckers take something that does not belong to them and lie about it. Non suckers suck at lying in order to not suck at life. If you suck at dishonesty and theft, you’ll avoid going to jail, ruining your reputation, and ending up with a sucky suck ass life.
I know it is confusing but there so many instances in which you must suck in order to not suck. For example:
YOU MUST SUCK AT RACISM: I know. This is hard. You’ve spent thousands of dollars and hours on my books and seminars and you know that is time and money well spent. I’ve etched into your brain the need for you to not suck at most aspects of life. However, here you must suck at racism. Sure, you could shout inappropriate names at those outside your ethnic group, but then you’d be sucking up your reputation. You’d be making others feel like they suck and the suck that you put out into the world always returns back to you two fold. Suck karma exists.
YOU MUST SUCK AT IMMATURITY: You are an adult. You must suck at staying up late. You must suck at eating junk food. You must suck at paying your bills late. You must suck at procrastination.
YOU MUST SUCK AT INFIDELITY: In the moment, it would feel not sucky at all to rip the clothes off of and go to town on someone other than your spouse. You wouldn’t suck at adultery at all but by not sucking at cheating you, in fact, are sucking at marriage.
YOU MUST SUCK AT ADDICTION: Sure, you could learn all the ins and outs of addiction the hard way and become the best addict ever, but if you did, you’d end up poor, downtrodden, unhealthy, alone and most likely, dead – all outcomes that suck. So, when someone offers you drugs, be sure to suck at saying, “Yes.”
YOU MUST SUCK AT HATE, DEPRESSION, ANGER, SADNESS
If you don’t suck at these emotions, then you will never not suck at being happy and content.
3.5 readers, there are so many things you MUST suck at in order to not suck in life. We’ve scratched the surface of these aspects today, and if you are a beginner to my anti-suck lessons, then do try to put the Power of Positive Sucking out of your mind for now and once you have learned to not suck at tying your shoes and putting your pants on, we’ll be able to discuss the more complicated concepts, i.e., the things you must suck at.
Thank you for stopping by. In fact, you might say you sucked at ignoring your favorite blog, which, if you think about it, is an example of positive sucking.
Don’t forget to suck at not checking out my anti-suck books, available at a book store that does not suck near you.