Hello 3.5 readers.
Many of you may be unaware of this, but in my spare time, I dabble in the fine arts of proctology and have even been named an Amateur Proctologist by a noted correspondence school.
Does your butt hurt? If it does, you’ve got to get on that. A hurt butt left to chance is a disaster, not only for you but for anyone unlucky enough to be standing within your blast radius when it goes off.
Note that I’m talking about “hurt butts” and not “butt hurt.” Butt hurt is when you experience emotional pain so deep that you end up feeling it in your butt.
I’m talking about actual hurting butts. From BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, here are the top ten reasons why your butt might be hurting:
#10 – Alien Probes
Alien Jones informs me that this experimental method of human butt research has been banned, but there are aliens who have been known to go rogue all over human butts. If your butt hurts, it may be because aliens snuck into your room and inserted all kinds of devices filled with bells, lights and whistles.
If you think it is possible that you have been probed by aliens, I would suggest that you set up surveillance cameras. If, in the morning, your butt hurts, check the footage to see if any aliens were in your room. Note that some aliens have Predator style cloaking devices, so you will have to look at the footage closely for the tell tale shimmer.
#9 – Wrong Toilet Paper
Take a look at your supermarket’s butt wipe aisle and you’ll find a smorgasbord of toilet paper. Butts are like Goldilocks – sometimes they’ll find a paper to be too soft or too hard. Your butt needs to keep looking until it finds the paper that is just right. If you are using coarse sandpaper on your butt, you’re doing it wrong.
#8 – Parasites
I told you not to drink that rain puddle water and/or to not make out with your dog but you just didn’t listen, did you? Report to your doctor for immediate tapeworm removal. Don’t look at me. I’m just an amateur.
#7 – Getting Your Butt Kicked
Did you hit on someone else’s girlfriend? Did you stick your nose some place where it didn’t belong? Did you insult someone? Then problem solved. That giant shoe that connected with your butt is the reason why your butt hurts. Put some ice on your butt and learn some manners.
#6 – Wiping Revisited
You might be doing it wrong. Maybe you have the right toilet paper but the wrong technique. Your butt is very sensitive so you must gently caress your butt as if you are touching it with the wings of an angel. Don’t just stick a wad of toilet paper up your butt and go all jackhammer style. That’s a good way to end up with a bad case of roids.
#5 – Lightning Infused Toaster Pastry Toilet Death
Totally happened to me. If you shoot a lightning bolt out of your butt, you will destroy your toilet, your life, and your butt. Beware breakfast foods that have absorbed lightning, hurricanes, tornadoes or other catastrophic weather events.
#4 – Olympic Flatulence Competitions
Pictured above is East Randomtown Mayor Harvey Smotchenbocker. Though he is a world class athlete who is able to shoot fire out of his butt, he has undergone years of training, thus allowing him to flex his butt muscles so as to shoot fire out of his butt without causing himself any damage. I advise you to leave such flatulence theatrics to the professionals and to not try this at home.
#3 – Ingrown Butt Hairs
It happens. Sometimes a butt hair grows rogue and causes all kinds of damage. My best advice is to find a trustworthy friend who is willing to do you a solid and keep your butt hair trimmed.
#2 – Brazilian Wax
Ah, the Brazilians. They have given us so much. Restaurants where they serve meat on swords AND super clean nether region waxing. It’ll hurt today, but your butt will be totally smooth tomorrow…or the next day…or the day after that…whenever the swelling goes down.
#1 – Botched Colonoscopies
You don’t get to eat for a day before, you’ve got to take all kinds of laxatives or do whatever your doctor instructs you. Then a giant camera attached to what can only be described as a leather octopus tentacle is shoved up your butt. Done just right, it won’t hurt at all. However, if your butt doctor just jams it up there and wiggles it around like he’s beating a bowl full of cake batter, then it will probably hurt. Luckily, butt doctors go to school to practice their butt inspection techniques to avoid this problem.
I’m just an amateur so don’t take my advice. If your butt hurts, seek the wise counsel of a professional butt doctor. Women, you never know what’s going in your butts and the men staring at them can only tell you what’s going on outside of your pants. Men, you’ve got those prostrates so get them checked before the Big C sets up shop.
A good butt doctor can save your life and keep you being one of my 3.5 readers for many years to come.