I Have Already Lost Money on the Snapchat IPO Because I Am an Idiot

Hey 3.5 readers.

So, if you’re an older reader like me, you might need a rundown on what Snapchat is.

Snapchat was born out of the idea that millennials are total perverts who enjoy taking snaps of their private parts and sending them to their various love interests.  However, as we all know, love today can turn into hate tomorrow and not all relationships are meant to last forever.  Ergo, people thought, “Hey, wouldn’t be great if I could snap a photo of my naughty parts, send them to my love interest and then after a little bit the photo disappears so that today’s naughty photo doesn’t get turned into tomorrow’s hilarious Internet meme, thus ruining my chances of running for president?”

I mean, I don’t know Snapchat exactly asked that question but at any rate, they sort of cured that problem.  You can snap a photo or a video, send it to a friend, then after awhile the photo or video disappears.  In theory, it prevents that video you thought was a good idea when you were drunk at 3 am from going public, although it isn’t foolproof.  There are ways around it.  Your sneaky snap buddy could take a photo of  your naughty photo, for example.

At any rate, Snapchat grew strong and got popular with the younguns.  They created filters that can make you look like a puppy, a kitty, for awhile they dabbled in filters that made you look like you’re from a different race only to get smacked down hard because you can’t do shit like that, and yes, they created those damn flower crowns that literally every woman, even your grandma, uses for their profile picture now.

My gut told me not to buy.  The experts also seem to agree that it’s not the best idea.  The company has been valued at some astronomical figure, even higher than Facebook, yet I fear that might be all hype related and not reality related.

Had you bought Facebook stock early, you’d of been happy with your decision.  As for Twitter, not so much as of late.  Facebook has gone strong and everyone and their granny is on Facebook.  Facebook basically became a new form of communication and information dispersement.

Twitter, on the other hand, became a repository of geeks like myself trying to tweet their way to fame and infamy, but ultimately it just descends into dummies writing dumb things limited to 140 characters.

As for Snapchat, I’m not sure I see an ability to generate the kind of wealth necessary to maintain a high valuation.

First, the primary users are young people…who have no money.  Thus, if you make that stupid flower crown filter cost money, they won’t buy it.  Maybe a few will dupe their dumb parents into buying it but for the most part, no.  Only a select handful of dummies will spend a lot of money on photo filters.

3.5 READERS:BQB you asshole, do you think anyone is going to spend a lot of money on Toilet Gator either?

Probably not.  Thanks, 3.5 readers.  I needed that tough love.

Second, I don’t see a lot of social media value.  You’ve heard of people becoming stars on Facebook and Twitter but has there been a Snapchat star yet?  Has anyone Snapchatted their way to fame and glory?  I’ve seen authors sign up for it but I feel like this only works for famous people.  If a famous person is sending out videos, then you might sign up if you are a fan.  Otherwise, I just don’t see it.

Plus, Facebook has come out with Facebook Live, which I assume was an effort to head Snapchat off at the pass.  So, if you’re an author with a good Facebook following, you could livestream a video of yourself talking about your latest book.  Meanwhile, if you’re not that well know, I guess you could snap videos of yourself out into the wind but I don’t think many people will partake.  Maybe if you’re Stephen King or something.

Third, I don’t see a lot of advertising value.  True,  Snapchat has been inventive.  They had a Gatorade filter for the Super Bowl where you could take a video of yourself and make it look like you just had Gatorade dumped on you, thereby making money off of a fun way to give Gatorade some unique advertising.

Other than that, I don’t know if the kids will sit still for actual ads.  If you have to sit through a thirty second commercial before you can snap yourself, that’ll probably last until a rival company comes out with a similar app where you don’t have to watch a commercial.

3.5 READERS: So why did you buy the stock, asshole?

Because I’m an asshole.

I hope I’m not.  So far it feels that way.  I bought it, and then the instant I bought it, it lost me $5.  Then twenty minutes later it lost me $25 dollars.  So, that could just be a fluctuation.  Hopefully, it gains tomorrow.

I don’t know.  Twitter’s stock fell.  Go Pro’s stock also fell, largely due to the fact that every dumbass who ever wanted to buy an athletic stunt camera bought one and as it turns out, assholes who want to jump out of planes and record their skydives are a select group.  So once you sell them all stunt cameras, you’re out of people who want to buy stunt cameras.

Thus, I wonder about Snapchat’s future.  Zuckerburg started raking in the coin by pushing his site on youngsters, but he became richer than most small nations by getting your mom and grandma to join, thus making bank on ad revenues.

So, I could be wrong, but the key will be to reach out to more old people and old people who want to make videos of themselves looking like puppies are a small, select group, or at least I hope they are.

Or maybe I hope they aren’t.  Hey, 3.5 readers.  Did you hear there’s an app that can make your face look like a dog?  Trust me.  I’ve pictured what you all look like and it would be a definite improvement.  Zing!  I kid, I kid.  You’re all beautiful.  But seriously.  Get Snapchat, pour some virtual Gatorade on your head, get a virtual flower crown because you’re too lazy to just pick some flowers and make one, just use that Snapchat so my stock will go up high enough that I can put a Bookshelf Q. Hot Tub in Bookshelf Q. Battler Headquarters.

 

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