Tag Archives: clowns

Movie Review – It (2017)

Kids, I can’t stress this enough.  Do not talk to sewer clowns.  There’s no good reason for a clown to be in a sewer. Really, it’s just common sense.

BQB here with a review of “It.”

3.5 readers, if you’ve been following the movie news, it was a bummer summer for the box office.  Audiences found Hollywood’s offerings to be little more than a pile of poop and the box office haul was way down.  Maybe it’s because so many entertainment options are available for free or a low price via your smart phone, but maybe it’s also Hollywood just can’t offer anything original anymore.

Ironically, “It” is a reboot of an old TV mini-series based on a book by Stephen King but it feels as original as ever.  It’s well done.  Perhaps that’s why I couldn’t even get a seat last week during opening weekend.  People went in droves to see this movie.

The plot?  A malevolent, demonic spirit has taken up residence in a New Hampshire town for centuries.  Every twenty-seven years, “It” surfaces and causes death, destruction, and murder most foul, terrorizing children and feeding off of their fear.

In the summer of 1989, it’s up to a group of young Generation Xers to summon up enough courage to face their fears and destroy “It.”  That won’t be easy as “It” takes on many ghastly forms, most notably the terrifying visage of Pennywise the Dancing Clown.

“It” knows how to get into the heads of these kids – playing on all of their individual fears, seeking to drive them into madness before killing them.

Oddly enough, the story is butt puckeringly scary.  I’m an adult man yet I’m still feeling chills over the movie a day later.  This is literally the scariest film I have seen I think in, perhaps all of the 2000s.  It’s not just blood and gore scary, though there is plenty of that.  It is also psychologically scary.

At times it is also touching.  It’s a mashup of “Stand by Me” meets “The Nightmare on Elm Street.”

Perhaps King has figured out a formula for when people find themselves facing their worst fears.  At age 13, roughly the ages of all the kids in the movie, a youngster must begin shaking off youth.  They must enjoy being a kid but they must also come to grips that they will be adults soon and can no longer retreat to their parents’ arms as though they are babies every time the world does them wrong.

27 years later, they’re 40 and they face a new fear, namely, that of realizing they are too old to change many of their mistakes, yet young enough that they might still find a little happiness should they see a need to turn things around.  It’s a short window but it’s not impossible.

Not to spoil it but this movie is Chapter 1, which means there will most likely be a Chapter 2 where the adults return to New Hampshire to fight “It” again.  At least that’s what happened in the old mini-series starring Tim Curry as Pennywise and the late, great John Ritter of “Three’s Company” fame as the adult version of the chubby kid.

I can tell you something that scared the piss out of me more so than the killer clown was that this film takes place in 1989.  These kids are just a little bit older than me.  I would have been 10 at the time, perhaps one of their younger brothers.

As the home schooled kid Mike rides his bicycle past a movie theater that lists “Batman” and “Lethal Weapon 2” on the marquee, I was terrified to think how much time had passed.  1989 was such a good summer for movies, those two listed being my faves.  And keep in mind that in the original mini-series/book, I believe the kids were all 1960s kids.

There’s legit terror in this movie but when we walk away and the dust settles on the scary images, we are asked to look at the span of time, how short life is, how hard it is to fix past mistakes, how we really have to try to do things right the first time.

Shit, had I been Pennywise I’d scare these kids just by telling them all that by the time they are 40 and ready to accept a big, well paying job as a reward for their life’s work, it will be yanked out from under them from some snot nosed 20 something millennial who started a multi-million dollar app business on his cell phone.

I know I’d of screamed enough to feel “It’s” fear hunger meter for sure had someone told me that in the summer of 1989.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.

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Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Clown

Ahh, clowns.  The children’s entertainers of yesteryear.  Who knows when it became fashionable for adults to put on red wigs and paint their faces white in an effort to make children laugh?  All we know is that it usual makes children cry.

Ladies, do you think it might be possible that you are dating a clown?

 

From BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Clown:

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#10 – He acts like a clown.

Note that I’m not referring to “clown” as a synonym for “jerk” or “idiot.”  So, yeah, if he forgets your birthday, you can call him a clown.  However, that doesn’t mean he’s going to be entertaining anyone at the circus anytime soon.

#9 – Paints His Face White Everyday

This is a definite warning sign that he might be a clown, but then again he might also be an 18th Century French Aristocrat and forgot to tell you.  Ask him whether or not it is advisable to tell poor people to eat cake.  If his answer is “no,” then it’s highly probable that your boyfriend is a clown.

#8 – Has a Tiny Car

No, I’m not talking about a Honda Civic or a Toyota Corolla.  I’m talking about a little tiny, wind-up toy car that somehow he not only fits himself into, but also twenty of his closest friends.  Also, all of those friends look like clowns.

#7 – Has Red Hair

True, clowns have been known to wear red wigs.  However, you don’t want to start an international incident with Ireland by running around, accusing every redhead you see of clownery.

#6 – Makes Balloon Animals

If he can make any balloon animal that’s more complicated than a snake (which is simply, a long balloon), then that’s a dead giveaway your boyfriend went to clown college.  Balloon animal making is a very serious discipline, achieved only through six weeks of study at a small office in a seedy, rundown strip mall.

#5 – Has Big Floppy Shoes

He could be a clown but think back.  Has he ever tried to sell you to desperate perverts?  In that case, he’s probably not a clown.  In fact, he’s probably a pimp.  Clowns and pimps shop at the same oversized novelty shoe store.  Everyone knows this.

#4 – Has a Red Nose

Maybe he’s a clown.  Maybe he’s a heavy drinker.  Hard to say.

#3 – Wears Loud, Crazy Colors and Patterns

See #5 vis a vis the possibility that he might either be a clown or a pimp.  Clowns and pimps also shop at the same clothing stores.

#2 – Rides a Tiny Tricycle

It’s entirely possible that this might mean your boyfriend is a clown but then again, have you seen the gas prices these days?  I’m surprised everyone isn’t riding around on a tiny tricycle!

#1 – He Threw a Pie in Your Face

A pie in your face is usually the first unequivocal warning sign a woman gets in order to wake her up to the new reality that her boyfriend is a clown.  However, keep in mind that a) your boyfriend might just be very clumsy and didn’t throw the pie at your face on purpose or b) he did throw the pie at your face on purpose, but not because he’s a clown but because he wants to break up with you.  In case of option b, thank your boyfriend for, in these confusing times where couples rarely communicate well with each other, your boyfriend has chosen to end things with a pie in your face.  Nothing says, “it’s over” like a mug full of custard.

HONORABLE MENTION:  Sings, “doo dee doo dee doo dee doo doo doo doo” during intimate moments.  He could be a clown or he could just be very excited.

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Mickey’s Not So Scary Halloween Party vs. Universal Halloween Horror Nights

By: Some Random Jerkface, BQB’s Editorial Assistant

Hello 3.5 readers.  Some Random Jerkface here.  While BQB was mired in the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse, yours truly was living it up in sunny Florida.

So in Orlando, there’s Walt Disney World and its unruly upstart rival, Universal Studios.

Who puts on the better Halloween shindig?

Probably all depends on who your are and your personal preference.

MICKEY’S NOT SO SCARY HALLOWEEN PARTY

Yeah.  They aren’t lying about that not so scary party part.  They pretty much take the guy in the Mickey Mouse costume and whip a Halloween costume over his mouse costume.

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Not that there’s necessarily anything wrong with that.  After all, it’s Walt Disney World.  Of course Mickey isn’t going to be scary.  If you have ragamuffins, this is where to take them on Halloween.

Maleficient is a little scarier:

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Meanwhile if you ever go on a Disney Cruise, you might spot Jack Sparrow, up high:

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Or down low:

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However, if you’re sans ragamuffins and want the ever loving crap scared out of you, Universal’s Halloween Horror Nights is the place you want to be.

Disney has Mickey in a Halloween costume.  UHHN has Jack, a damn murderous psychopathic clown:

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He brings up “spectators” on stage to be maimed and/or murdered in his show, the Carnival of Carnage.

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SPOILER ALERT:  I’m pretty sure she’s just an actor pretending to be one of Jack’s victims.  Still, if you see Jack walking down the street, you might want to beat feat in the opposite direction just to be safe.

Oh and don’t forget his hot she-clown girlfriend, Chance:

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Yeah, she’s a total Harley Quinn ripoff but she was funny just the same.  Jack and Chance know how to work a crowd, or work it over, as the case may be:

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But try to stay off the stage:

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For the Bookshelf Battle Blog, this has been Some Random Jerkface

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