Wowie zowie, 3.5 readers. All I can say is:
What a twist! So many twists in this episode and they were all very unexpected.
I won’t spoil it with the details, but it was the best episode of the entire series. My only worry is I don’t know if they will ever be able to top it. I hope it’s not all downhill from here.
What say you, 3.5 readers?
Are you Geekensteins watching it? Tweet along with me – @bookshelfbattle
Hey 3.5 readers.
Have you checked out the trailer for The Mummy reboot?
I gotta be honest, The Mummy and it’s first sequel were two of my favorite films from, sigh, “the turn of the century,” if we have to get technical. They were full of fun and whimsy and Brendan Fraser was an atypical nerdy hero.
Thus, I’m kind of surprised that Tom Cruise was picked as the young buck to replace Fraser, given that, as far as I know, Cruise is older than Fraser.
And in theory, a new movie about The Mummy doesn’t necessarily have to be considered reboot. Hollywood was making movies about mummies long before the Brendan Fraser outing, after all.
Anyway, it looks hella legit and if it is half as good as the trailer then it will be considered shelf-worthy.
What say you, 3.5 readers?
Hey 3.5 readers. The season we’ve waited so long for is finally here. John Snow vs. Cersei vs. the Khaleesi vs. the Whitewalkers.
You know we’ve been hoping that John Snow and the Khaleesi will take shit over and bring Westeros into a new age of peace and prosperity, but given what we know of George R.R. Martin’s penchant for surprises, aliens will probably land and blow everything up right at the end or something.
What say you, 3.5 readers?
Walt sat between the open doors in the back of the news van, his legs dangling over the bumper as a he held an ice pack on his crotch. As he struggled to cope with the pain, he overheard Natalie on the phone, speaking to his union representative.
“Eighty-three forms?” Natalie asked. “But…but…uh…I understand but listen…no..listen to me. I’m going to try to explain this as clearly as possible. I require the services of a cameraman and this imbecile has no idea how to operate a video camera…uh huh…right but…how many hearings? Oh…fine…fine. You win.”
Natalie swiped the hang up button on her phone and patted Walt on the shoulder. “I’m sorry I kicked you, Walt. I don’t know what came over me. I’ve never lost control before.”
“I understand,” Walt said as he adjusted the ice pack. “You did warn me.”
“I hope you’ll still be able to father children,” Natalie said.
“Eh,” Walt said. “Who’d want a kid that looks like me anyway?”
Natalie leaned up against the van. “Walk me through this, will you?”
“I’ll try,” Walt said.
“You’re a fully trained camera man,” Natalie said.
“I am,” Walt replied.
“You’ve recorded footage in Iraq, Afghanistan, war zones all over the world as well as at home,” Natalie said.
“Yes,” Walt said.
“For twenty years,” Natalie said. “Long, long before they stuck me with you.”
“Right,” Walt said.
“But now, all of a sudden…what?” Natalie asked. “You can’t work a camera anymore?”
“I can,” Walt said.
Natalie slapped her forehead. “Then why won’t you?”
Walt coughed into his fist. “I’m tired.”
Natalie shook her head. “Excuse me?”
“I’m exhausted,” Walt said. “I’m getting old. I’m worn out. I’ve been to every hellhole in the world, holding the camera as one hot ass blonde chick with big titties after another berates me. When they assigned me to you, I thought it would be a cushy gig, that they wouldn’t give you much work to do on account of the fact that…”
“I’m not a hot ass blonde chick with big titties?” Natalie asked.
“Correct,” Walt said. “I thought like maybe they’d let you cover the county fair or something once in a blue moon you know, just to keep the feminists happy so they can be all like, ‘Hey, we’re not always just about the hot ass blonde chicks with big titties! We let brunettes with small titties on air too!’ But then you turned out to be a go getter.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Natalie inquired.
“You work hard, kid,” Walt said. “You’ve got Moxie. One day you’re covering a gang shootout. The next you’re chasing down corrupt politicians. And the whole time you expect me to keep up with you. I can’t do it.”
“Maybe we can get you transferred to a less ambitious reporter,” Natalie said.
“Nah,” Walt replied. “There isn’t one. Everyone in the news game thinks they’re the next big sensation. All reporters, even the ones who aren’t hot and don’t have blonde hair or big titties are hoping to make it big. I realize that now. If I transfer to another reporter, she’ll just make me run around behind too.”
“But that’s your job!” Natalie said.
“I know,” Walt replied. “But I don’t want it to be anymore. I want to be forced into early retirement so…”
Natalie stepped back. “You fail on purpose?”
Walt nodded. “Yes.”
“But why?” Natalie asked.
“Because I want to be forced into early retirement,” Walt said. “A hot ass blonde chick reporter gets put out to pasture by thirty and gets to write books about her time as a hot ass blonde chick reporter for the rest of her life. Me? They’ll work me until the morning of my funeral. I thought if I screwed up enough on purpose I’d get an HR rep demanding that I take an early retirement package but I’m union so…”
“It’s impossible for you to be let go,” Natalie said. “Your union rep told me I’d have to file eighty-three separate forms just in order to convene a hearing to discuss the issue.”
“Yeah,” Walt said. “Gotta love the bureaucracy. All that red tape protects the competent.”
Natalie took a seat next to her cameraman. “You cost me my footage. I had the inside scoop on a celebrity murder and you blew it for me.”
Walt looked down at his shoes. “I know. I’m sorry.”
“Look Walt,” Natalie said. “I can see you’ve been through a lot in your life, but I need you to pull it together.”
“I don’t know if I can,” Walt said. “The more screw-ups I rack up, the more likely it is I’ll get a retirement package. It’ll take at least ten thousand screw-ups before that happens, so I need to start getting a documented history of failure now.”
Natalie stood up and slapped Walt across the face.
“Ow!” Walt shouted. He dropped his ice bag, then immediately felt pain surge through his groin, which he quickly grabbed. “Ow!”
“Now, you listen to me,” Natalie said. “We are covering the biggest story of the year, here. Maybe of the decade, nay, the century! War? Schmore. Famine? Schmamine. Sure, everyone pretends to care when a bunch of kids in some far off country don’t have enough fresh water to drink but what really causes people to pay attention is the death of a celebrity! And we don’t just have a celebrity death on our hands. We have a murder! We were the first ones on the scene and if we keep working this story, there’s no telling how far we could go.”
“You mean, how far you could go,” Walt said.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Natalie asked.
“Everyone always remembers the reporter who broke a big story,” Walt said. “No one ever remembers the cameraman.”
“That’s not true,” Natalie said.
“Really?” Walt asked. “Name a famous cameraman.”
Natalie tapped a finger against her cheek as she thought about the question. “There was that guy…umm…and the…you’re right. I’ve got nothing.”
“No, you don’t,” Walt said. “And thus, there’s no incentive for me to try to help you. There is, however, plenty of incentive for me to keep screwing up because when my ten thousandth screw-up is logged, there will be a hearing to discuss sending me on my merry way and maybe, just maybe, that’ll end up with me with a nice pension check and a delicious fruity drink with an umbrella in it in my hand as I sunbathe on a beach in the Caribbean.”
Natalie closed her eyes, counted to ten, then opened them. “I can’t believe I’m offering this but…”
“I’m listening,” Walt said.
“I can’t get you on camera,” Natalie said.
“I don’t want to be on camera,” Walt replied. “I’m too old. Too fat. That’s a young person’s game.”
“I can promise you that if I ever write a book about this, I’ll give you a co-author credit,” Natalie said.
Walt looked up. “Huh. Now you’re talking. Wait…do I have to write anything?”
“Nope,” Natalie replied. “I’ll write it all and we’ll split the profits sixty-forty.”
“Fifty-fifty,” Walt said.
“Do you want another kick to the balls?” Natalie asked.
“Not especially,” Walt said. “Fine. Sixty-forty it is. But I want to be interviewed by a hot ass blonde chick with big titties.”
“I thought you just said you don’t want to be on camera,” Natalie said.
“I don’t,” Walt replied. “But I’ve always wanted to stare at one of the hot ass blonde chick reporter’s big titties. I’ve never had a chance to really enjoy looking at them because I’m always working on the camera.”
Natalie sighed. “Well, if I ever get that kind of pull, I will arrange for you to be interviewed by the hottest blonde chick with the biggest titties I can find. Deal?”
“Deal,” Walt said.
“Will you do your job now?” Natalie asked.
“Yes,” Walt said as he hopped out of the van. He examined his camera. “This piece of junk will never do, though. I’m going to have to get my hands on an XYS Panastatic Pro, preferably with a Nantuzasaki refracting lens and an infrared flare.”
“I knew there was a cameraman in you somewhere, Walt,” Natalie said. “Especially because you look like you’ve eaten three of them.”
Walt headed to the driver’s side of the van. “Let’s roll, woman. There’s a celebrity murderer on the loose.”
“Thank God your head is finally in the game,” Natalie said. She was about to jump into the passenger’s seat when her phone buzzed. She looked at the screen. The name she saw made her heart jump: “Manley, Kurt.”
Network News One Transcript #2
KURT MANLEY, NN1 ANCHOR: …witnesses on the scene reported that a grand total of forty-nine orphans died in the fiery plane crash. It would have been a cool fifty had the fiftieth orphan not had the foresight to feast on the charred remains of his tiny companions, thus giving his body the much needed nutrition it required in order to stave off hunger until the rescue team arrived. We here at Network News One wish little Timmy a speedy recovery and may God one day grant this tyke the mental strength necessary to push the unspeakable acts of cannibalism he committed in order to save his own oily hide aside so that he will be able to live a productive and prosperous life. In other news, a civil war has broken out in the third world nation of “NoOneCanPronounceThisShittyCountry’sName-istan.” Reporting live from the war zone is our own Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties. Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties, are you there?
(Cut to a bombed out, depleted battlefield. A beautiful, blue eyed, buxom blonde woman stands in the middle of the wasteland, wearing a helmet and holding a microphone. Her flak jacket is zipped low so as to reveal copious cleavage).
HOT ASS BLONDE CHICK WITH BIG TITTIES: Thank you, Kurt. I’m coming to you from “NoOneCanPronounceThisShittyCountry’sName-istan,” risking my life to bring you the latest updates from the front.
(Bullets whiz inches over the reporter’s helmet. Off in the distance, a missile hits a building, causing it to explode).
KURT MANLEY: God bless, Hot Ass Chick with Big Titties. How did this war break out?
HOT ASS BLONDE CHICK WITH BIG TITTIES: Well, Kurt, tensions have long been on the rise between the country’s two rival factions, the “DoWhatWeSayorTakeaMacheteUpYourTaint-tarians” and the “ObeyUsOrGetanRPGUpTheButt-ians.” The UN has attempted for several years to broker a peace deal between the leaders of these opposing movements, but alas, both sides have different viewpoints on how the country should be run.
KURT MANLEY: Please explain, Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties.
HOT ASS BLONDE CHICK WITH BIG TITTIES: Scholars and historians have written extensively on the various nuances surrounding this conflict, but it basically boils down to the fact that the “DoWhatWeSayorTakeaMacheteUpYourTaint-tarians” believe that everyone should do what they say or take a machete to their taints, whereas the “ObeyUsOrGetanRPGUpTheButt-ians” maintain that people should obey them, lest they get a rocket propelled grenade up the butt.
(A tank rolls across the horizon, far behind the reporter.)
KURT MANLEY: Fascinating. We’ll be checking back with you throughout the day for further developments, Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties. Stay safe, and protect your titties.
HOT ASS BLONDE CHICK WITH BIG TITTIES: Thanks Kurt. I will.
KURT MANLEY: In other news, a tractor trailer truck full of adorable baby kittens has rolled over on the freeway just outside of Milwaukee…
(Cut to footage of an overturned tractor trailer truck on the highway with thousands of kittens pouring out of the back of the trailer. Police and firemen chase the kittens, scooping them up in their arms).
KURT MANLEY: Here to report on this situation is Another Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties. Another Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties, are you there?
(Yet another beautiful blonde, blue eyed woman appears on screen. She wears business attire that shows copious cleavage. She holds a fluffy, wide-eyed kitten in her arm and her microphone in her free hand).
ANOTHER HOT ASS BLONDE CHICK WITH BIG TITTIES: I’m here, Kurt. There’s pussy, pussy everywhere as Route 55 has been flooded with fancy felines. Although the toxicology reports have not yet come back from the state lab, authorities believe the accident was the result of the driver attempting to inject a liquefied form of black market horse erection medication directly into his veins while trying to merge onto an offramp at the same time. Horse erection medication is a controlled substance and of course, using it while driving is a criminal offense.
KURT MANLEY: It sure is, Another Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties. Of course, I only know that for news reporting purposes and only news reporting purposes.
ANOTHER HOT ASS BLONDE CHICK WITH BIG TITTIES: Now, the authorities are doing everything they can to round up these rambunctious little rascals but they say it’s like, well, trying to herd cats. In fact, the state highway patrol’s office has stated that anyone who wants a free pet is welcome to come on down and grab a pussy. Grab as many pussies as you want, two or three at a time if you want. All of these pussies are up for grabs.
KURT MANLEY: Isn’t that something? Thank you, Another Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties. Keep us update on this very important story and let us know when all of those pussies have been grabbed.
ANOTHER HOT ASS BLONDE CHICK WITH BIG TITTIES: I sure will, Kurt.
(Cut to Kurt, back in the studio.)
KURT MANLEY: In sports, the quarterback of the East Randomtown Mascots shot his balls off last night when the firearm he had illegally concealed in his sweatpants went off accidentally. Word has it that the Mascots might fine the quarterback ten thousand dollars, a palpable hit to his multi-million dollar salary. We go now to…oh wait…hold on, folks…
(Kurt presses his finger against his earpiece and nods).
KURT MANLEY: That story about the ball shooter will have to wait. Ladies and gentlemen, I have terrible news. Drop whatever you are doing, send the kids out of the room and sit down. Maybe pour yourself a brandy to take the edge of. Say a prayer to your preferred deity, then do some yoga. Maybe engage in some meditation and self-reflection. Do whatever you need to do to prepare for this shocking news: a celebrity has died. I repeat, “a celebrity has died.” Someone who entertained you is no longer alive and although you never met this person or had any idea what this person was like off camera, you should feel like a pile of rotten garbage right now. You should weep uncontrollably, take the next week off of work to mourn, and above all us, write ten thousand posts on Lifebox about your favorite memories of this artist.
(Kurt shuffles some papers. He appears choked up.)
KURT MANLEY: Now America, we here at Network News One pride ourselves on having the hottest blonde reporters with the biggest titties, but as you know, the news happens when it happens. It doesn’t check with our schedule first. We’re doing our best to get a Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties to work this story but for now, our affiliate reporter, Natalie Brock, will have to do. Everyone, please try to ignore Natalie’s frumpy school marm hairdo and those mosquito bites she tries to pass off as knockers. Natalie’s obviously one of those people who got into the news business because someone, somewhere told her she was smart or something and it never dawned on her that she just doesn’t quite have the look. Even so, she’s very brave for appearing on TV with her looks and is a real trooper in my book. Natalie, what’s going on?
(Cut to Natalie Brock, standing outside the Sunnyside Arena. Police cars and ambulances with flashing lights are stationed behind her).
NATALIE BROCK: Kurt, sad news in the music industry tonight as Sally Ann Dubawitz, better known to the world as pop star sensation Countess Cucamonga, has been murdered at the age of twenty-eight.
KURT MANLEY: Sweet Jesus!
NATALIE BROCK: I know. It’s a shock that someone so universally adored would be cut down in her prime.
KURT MANLEY: Well, that, but I had no idea her name was “Sally Ann Dubawitz.” You mean she wasn’t really a Countess?
NATALIE BROCK: Not at all, Kurt.
KURT MANLEY: You learn something new everyday. Now I understand you have some footage of the crime scene?
NATALIE BROCK: Indeed I do, Kurt and I must stress that it was a very bloody, gruesome scene, so viewer discretion is advised.
KURT MANLEY: Did you hear that, folks? If you’ve got a gut full of stew, you might want to take five. Your fault if you end up blowing chunks all over your carpet. Don’t send NN1 the cleaning bill.
(Cut to footage of the inside of Natalie’s dressing room.)
IRVING, COUNTESS CUCAMONGA’S MANAGER: Jesus H. Fuck!
(The camera captures Natalie standing inside the doorway to the bathroom, but no carnage is visible yet).
NATALIE: Walt, are you rolling?
(The camera turns and captures Walt’s chubby face, zits and all.)
NATALIE: Walt!
WALT: Huh?
NATALIE: Are you rolling?
WALT: Oh, yeah, sure am.
(The footage goes on for a full minute with Walt staring at the lens, occasionally sticking out his tongue and licking his lips.)
WALT: Is my tongue supposed to be so white? I should get that looked at…
(Cut to Natalie at the arena).
NATALIE BROCK: Obviously, we had some technical difficulties there.
KURT MANLEY: Obviously. Now Natalie, what have some of the music industry’s most esteemed representatives had to say?
NATLIE BROCK: Kurt, there has been a massive outpouring of sympathy for the Countess and her friends and family. In fact, rapper Lady Steez posted moments ago, “Countess Cucamonga was a pioneer in the world of ass related music. If she hadn’t had the courage to sing about her fat ass, I never would have had the courage to rap about my fat ass.”
(Kurt wipes away a tear, then pats his heart).
KURT MANLEY: I’m sorry. That just got me, right here. Very touching.
NATALIE BROCK: Meanwhile, rapper Stank Daddy has already recorded a tribute song, filled with lyrics about the Countess’ ample posterior, set to the rhythm of a popular 1970s track.
KURT MANLEY: Wow, that was fast.
NATALIE BROCK: Yes, and by rapping over a popular old song, this allows Stank Daddy to appear fresh and new, as though he invented the song himself.
KURT MANLEY: Brilliant. Thank you Natalie, our Miami affiliate reporter who must shop at the world’s tiniest brassiere store. Come to think of it, do those things even need support? Seems like a waste of fabric if you ask me. We’ll be staying on the story of Countess Cucamonga’s untimely demise, but first, let’s cry our eyes out during a commercial break, shall we? Sports and weather in the next hour and oh, don’t forget that there’s a brand of toilet paper that could give you the Ebola virus. Don’t wipe until we tell you which one it is.
(Cut to a banner that reads, “Network News One”)
ANNOUNCER: You’re watching Network News One. The Hottest Blonde Chicks. The biggest titties. Oh yeah, and sometimes we even report the news and shit.
Naked ScarJo! Naked ScarJo! Naked ScarJo!
Now that I have your attention, BQB here with a review of the sci-fi film, Ghost in the Shell.
OK. I fibbed. Scarlett Johansson isn’t naked in this movie. Here’s how I assume the conversation went down at the studio:
HOLLYWOOD SUIT #1 – Can we make a movie where Scarlett Johansson runs around naked for half the entire film?
HOLLYWOOD SUIT #2 – Yes, but it would be classified as a porn.
HOLLYWOOD SUIT #1 – Hmm. OK. What if Scarlett Johansson is a robot and runs around in a flesh colored body suit? She wouldn’t technically be naked because as a robot, she wouldn’t have nipples, or a butt crack or a cooter?
HOLLYWOOD SUIT #1 – PG-13 – Bring the teenagers!
Ahh, so much controversy and hype over this long awaited film.
Allow me to answer your questions…or my questions…since no one is asking questions.
QUESTION #1 – What the hell is this movie about?
Excellent question, me. This film is based on a popular Japanese franchise (gotta be honest, I’m not hip enough to be able to tell you for sure if it was a comic book, anime cartoon, or both, though I’m leaning to comic book).
ScarJo stars as Major, a Japanese government agent with a synthetic body controlled by a human brain. She is the result of an experiment by the Hanko Corporation, an effort to put a brain into a robot and represents a hope that the technology that made her will eventually keep all humans from dying – i.e. their brains can just be put into robots when their bodies wear out. If her brain is a “ghost” or remnant of a human, and the body is a “shell,” then she is the…wait for it…ghost in the shell.
There’s a villain taking out the scientists who made her. She must investigate with the help of her trusty sidekick Batou (Pilou Asbaek), a muscle bound, bleach blonde weirdo.
Question #2 – Was it a dick move to cast ScarJo, a honky, in the lead role in a film that takes place in Japan, especially when in the original, the character is Japanese?
Yes and no. I can see both sides. By the way, I can say “honky” because I am one. That’s OUR word!
THE ARGUMENT FOR YES – There are so few lead roles for Asian actors/actresses as it is. A few years back, an Asian actress would have loved to play the female lead in Aloha, but instead, for reasons yet to be explained, Emma Stone was cast as a Hawaiian. Earlier this year, Matt Damon saved the Great Wall of China. And now, ScarJo, who is pretty much the female lead in like, everything, is cast in a part that would have made an Asian actress’ career.
Plus, although the film takes place in Japan, there are honkies, honkies everywhere! It’s a veritable honky fest. Though there are a number of Asians in the film, there’s only one who has any considerable amount of screen time. That’s Takeshi Kitano, by the way, who plays the gruff and grizzled Aramaki, the leader of Major’s unit.
So while I could understand the argument of, “Hey, the studio is dumping a shit ton of dough into this movie so they want a lead actress with a proven track record of putting butts in seats,” I don’t understand why more of the supporting cast couldn’t have been Asian.
THE ARGUMENT FOR NO – I believe, in a subtle, understated way, the film does provide an explanation as to why the lead character is a honky. There’s even an explanation as to why there are so many honkies running around Japan. I don’t want to spoil the movie for you, so maybe I can get into this after the movie’s been out for awhile.
QUESTION #3 – Is the movie any good?
Also, yes and no.
THE ARGUMENT FOR YES – Its colorful. The special effects are amazing. The fight scenes are dazzling. It raises a lot of interesting questions about the future of humanity.
THE ARGUMENT FOR NO – There were a lot of times where the film feels like a discount version of Blade Runner. All of the giant holographic billboards are a dead giveaway. Also, the plot is confusing. There are some parts where the film drags and others where it moves quicker than I would have liked it to. I was left puzzled by a lot of things, yet not caring enough to expend the brain cells necessary to sort it all out.
STATUS: Shelf-worthy. I liked it, though the only reason why I would watch it again is to see a technically naked ScarJo. Maybe in the sequel, they can give her nipples, a butt crack, and a cooter.
It came from the toilet…
“Perhaps the Emperor is in the treasury!” the Whirlwind said as he ran down the hallway next to Niu. “If I were hiding the greatest human alive, I would surely lock him up in the treasury…around all those nice gold coins.”
“You are the worst brother in arms, ever,” Niu said.
“Ah,” the Whirlwind replied. “You called me a brother. I’m growing on you, just as Club Fu will.”
“It’s just an expression,” Niu said.
The duo turned a corner and found themselves face to face with Rage Dog, who was seething with anger.
“Bohai,” Niu said.
“There is no Bohai,” Rage Dog said. “There is only Rage Dog.”
Niu perused his former compatriot. He saw the missing hand, the hole in the gut, the sword. “Where is the Emperor?”
“His brain is the property of Dragonhand,” Rage Dog said. “Master of the Clan of the Terrifyingly Unnatural Brain Bite, the Next Ruler of China and the only one wise enough to have ever recognized my talent.”
Niu looked into Rage Dog’s eyes. “I always recognized your talent, brother.”
Rage Dog tilted his head. “You did?”
“Of course, Bohai.”
The undead warrior covered his ears. “No!”
“Your cockiness did you in, brother,” Niu said. “But it may not be too late. Come, Bohai, we must…”
Rage Dog gritted his teeth and snarled. He whacked the hilt of General Tsang’s sword against his chest three times, then shouted at a deafening level, “Bohai is not here anymore! There is only Rage Dog!”
Niu cocked his head to the right and left, cracking the muscles in his neck. He raised his faces. “A shame. I did so love him.”
The undead warrior pointed the sword at Niu. The Whirlwind threw up his hands. “Alright then, I can see you two have some things to work out so I will just scurry along.”
“Leave,” Niu said. “A novice would be instantly bested here.”
The Whirlwind gasped. “Well, if you’re going to insult my pride then maybe I’ll just…”
Pow! Rage Dog slammed the Whirlwind in the face with a mighty kick. The blow was so strong that it knocked the thief through a wall and into a nearby room, where he landed on the floor and became buried underneath a pile of rubble in an unconscious state.
“Some people never listen to good advice,” Niu said.
“No, they do not,” Rage Dog replied.
Rage Dog struck first – a swift kick to Niu’s stomach. Like a rock, Niu barely moved. The big man countered with a punch that knocked Rage Dog back several feet. The opponents fought for several minutes – kicking and punching, kicking and punching. Rage Dog sent several sword swipes in Niu’s direction, but all were easily sidestepped.
“I’m starting to believe you, beast,” Niu said. “Bohai isn’t in you anymore.”
“What makes you say that?” Rage Dog asked.
Niu swept his foot underneath Rage Dog’s ankle and hooked it, tripping his adversary and sending him to the ground. The creature lost his grip on the sword and it skittered across the floor.
“Bohai wouldn’t have allowed that to happen,” Niu said as he stood over Rage Dog’s body and looked down.
Rage Dog flipped up to his feet. The opponents looked at the sword on the ground, then at each other. Instantly, they dove for it, punching and kicking one another as they reached for the weapon.
“Enough!” Niu said as he pointed General Tsang’s sword at Rage Dog. “This ends now!”
“No,” Rage Dog said as he backed up…and up…and up. “This ends…
With his one and only hand, Rage Dog formed a tiger claw, then began running at Niu. “…when I say it does!”
“Don’t make me do this!” Niu shouted.
Thunk! Rage Dog impaled himself on General Tsang’s sword, but it didn’t matter. His tiger claw pinched up and down, getting closer and closer to Niu’s face. Niu clutch the hilt of the sword with both hands and strained to keep the monster back until…the lights went out.
Niu had never cried out in pain before. He’d always accepted injury as an inevitable part of life, something to be experienced with dignity. But this was unlike any pain he’d ever felt in his life. His brain had been saved, but not before Rage Dog’s tiger claw pinched its way through his eyes, tearing them out completely. The giant tumbled backward and fell, releasing his grip on the sword as he did.
Rage Dog yanked the sword out of his stomach and ran, anxious to seek out the Emperor.
“Ungh.” In the nearby room, the Whirlwind stirred. “I’ve been trampled by horses with more decorum, I tell you.”
The thief pushed a few bricks off of his body then arose and stepped out of the hole his airborne carcass had made moments earlier. He shook his head, looked around, then spotted Niu on the ground.
“Oh, sure, you lecture me about discipline but here you are taking a nap,” the Whirlwind said. “I have half a mind to…”
The thief stopped mid-sentence when he saw that Niu was now unconscious, and his eye sockets were bloody and bare.”
“That’s not good,” the Whirlwind said. The thief squatted down, slapped Niu on the cheek a few times, then snapped his fingers in front of Niu’s face. “Baldy! Is anyone in there?”
The Whirlwind stood up, then looked down at Niu and held up two fingers. “How many fingers are in the air?”
No response. The Whirlwind stood over Niu’s body for awhile, utterly stupefied as to what his next move should be until…crash!
A window in the hall way broke. Then another, and another. Six in total. Dozens of zombified warriors poured into the palace. They marched down the hallway toward the Whirlwind and Niu, hungry for the living meat that was before them.
The Whirlwind grabbed Niu’s hands and attempted to drag the giant. All manner of grunting and groaning sounds were made as the thief strained his muscles to the limit. “Come on, baldy! Work with me here.”
The zombies growled.
“Bah!” the Whirlwind said as he dropped Niu’s arms. “Just my luck to be stuck with the only kung fu warrior in the country that needs to go on a diet!”
The zombies approached closer.
“Back!” the Whirlwind shouted as he brandished his club. “Stand back, you lousy wretches or I’ll bonk the lot of you!”
The zombies surrounded the Whirlwind and his hefty charge.
“You want this man, you’ll have to go through me!”
More growls.
“Well,” the Whirlwind said. “I didn’t say the subject wasn’t up for negotiation. Any chance you all might just have a quick nibble off this fellow while I saunter my way out of here, no questions asked?”
“Blurgh!” shouted an angry zombie.
“Come on, chums,” the Whirlwind said. “Look at him. He’s massive. You’d have to be a bunch of bloody pigs if you want to eat him AND me in one sitting.”
“Bragah ragh!” screamed an impatient zombie.
The Whirlwind nodded and brandished his club once more. “Right then. So as I was just saying ever so heroically, if you want this man, then you’ll have to come through me!”
Waahh. Waah. Take a memo.
BQB here with a review of The Boss Baby.
This film took a joke and stretched it out to the max. The joke is that babies tend to be little dictatorial bosses. They scream and cry and their parents immediately come running to cater to their every need. If the “boss baby” doesn’t get exactly what he/she wants, the parents are in for one heck of a temper tantrum. In other words, it is pretty much like working for a controlling, domineering boss.
Except this particular boss baby comes with a business suit and a brief case and he speaks in business school lingo with Alec Baldwin’s voice. (“Put that cookie down! Cookies are for closers only!”) I could tell you why he does that, but then I’d ruin the film for you.
Miles Bakshi lends his voice to Tommy, the Boss Baby’s older brother, who must learn to reconcile his “Mom and Dad used to dote on me and now I have to share the love with a little brother” feelings with the need to help the Boss Baby complete an important boss baby mission.
Steve Buscemi voices the villain and Lisa Kudrow and Jimmy Kimmel are the voices behind Timmy and Boss Baby’s parents.
STATUS: Shelf-worthy. As animated films go, it was cute and had some important messages about family. It’s good for an outing with the kids but it probably isn’t destined to become a kids’ classic.
Bookshelf Battle 