Toilet Gator – Chapter 109


A day later, Hurricane Dakota Rothschild had moved up the coast, and downtown Sitwell had begun drying out. The gang wandered through the debris laden streets, walking past buildings with broken windows, caved in roofs, past overturned cars and trees that had fallen right into the street.

Finally, the spotted Skippy’s lifeless corpse. The gang timidly walked toward the hulking carcass, concerned that the giant lizard might spring to life at any second.

“Is he dead?” Sharon asked.

“Sure looks dead,” Maude said, just before taking a big breathe of fresh air from the tubes in her nose attached to a brand new oxygen tank.

“Oh no,” Rusty said. “I’ve see those horror movies before. Everybody needs to steer clear of that thing because just when you think the killer is dead, bam, they jump out of the closet and try to chop off your dick with a machete.”

“What movie was that?” Sharon asked.

“Dick Chopper 5000,” Rusty said. “Damn woman, get some culture in your life.”

Cole picked up a stick and poked the toilet gator with it. He nudged and prodded the big green body to no avail before declaring, “He’s dead.”

Professor Lambert sighed. “Quite a noble beast, now that we have an opportunity to examine him up close without repercussion.”

“Noble?” Rusty asked. “He made the entire world scared to shit.”

“Indeed,” Professor Lambert said. “But then again, did humans ever seek permission before shitting in toilets connected to the sewer system he called home? It was all one big vicious cycle really.”

“You’ve got a screw loose, Professor,” Rusty said.

“I’m simply acknowledging the fact that this alligator was, before his demise, the powerful lizard to walk the face of the earth since his ancestors, the dinosaurs, went extinct over sixty-five million years ago,” the Professor said.

“We’re all just flecks of dust in an ever expanding timeline,” Sharon said.

Maude rolled her eyes. “Jeez Louise, take an upper, girlie. You’re way too young to be this depressed.”

“My only regret is it wasn’t one of my bullets that killed him,” Moses said.

Felix walked up to the lifeless alligator, removed his bandana, and held it over his heart. “My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings, look on my works, ye Mighty and despair! Nothing beside remains round the decay of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare, the lone and level sand stretch far away.”

Moses rested a hand on his buddy’s shoulder. “That was beautiful. Tupac?”

“Percy Bysshe Shelley,” Felix said.

“Same difference,” Moses said.

“Errm,” Felix replied.

Natalie stared at the carcass while Walter filmed the remains.

“Unless a toilet shark starts popping out of toilets to bite people, this will go down as the greatest story of my news career, hands down,” Natalie said.

“Please,” Rusty said. “Like anyone would ever believe that a toilet shark would be possible.”

“Oh, they’re quite possible,” Professor Lambert said. “And very real.”

Burt squeezed Maude’s hand. “Time to go.”

“Yeah,” Cole said. “We should get out of here and let the cleanup crews do their work.”

As the gang turned around, Skippy’s good eye opened. Ever so slowly, he rolled off of his back and onto his belly. He spotted the intruders and inched towards them.

Without looking back at what he thought was a dead gator, Cole pulled the detonator stick out of his pocket. “Why didn’t this work?”

“I don’t know,” Moses said as he took the detonator and examined it. “Faulty wiring…a battery that went bad…for all I know there could have been a…”

Moses slapped the side of the detonator three times, then pressed down on the red button. KABOOM!

Skippy’s innards exploding, sending hundreds of bloody, slimy gator chunks high up into the sky before they rained down upon the gang below. Every last one of the brave heroes ended up covered in sticky red gator blood and gooey gator guts.

“Last time I ever buy a C4 detonator over the Internet, I’ll tell you that,” Moses said.

Wham! Skippy’s severed head fell out of the sky and landed at Cole’s feet.

“Looks like you got your trophy,” Sharon said.

“Looks like it,” Cole said.

“It’ll look good on our wall,” Sharon said.

“Our wall?” Cole asked.

“You know it,” Sharon said.


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